It has been more than a year since I last wrote in this little space of mine.
And my God has it been so dusty in here.
I recently spoke to a few who have been following this blog since its very beginning, and the conversations I had with them can mostly be summarized to questions that began with the word 'why'. There have been many speculations of why I stopped writing. Best guesses are 1) I have already gotten what I asked for, and 2) therefore I am no longer miserable.
I write best when I'm miserable. And for all you know I had best been miserable for a series of solid ten years. The rising of this blog was owed much to that.
Looking back, I wasn't much of a happy man. Perhaps the main source of my miseries was my own doings, if not my pride and ego. Over the years and thousands of mistakes after, I finally found the peace that I had since been searching continuously for from everywhere I had gone to and among the people I knew. And there it was. There's the biggest mistake I have ever done in life so far, in my own endless effort to find a handful of solace: I searched around and wide, but never I searched for it in my own tiny self. And the price paid was way more than I ever bargained for.
I paid the price dearly, and for that, all my mistakes I will always remember. And most of these stories can still be found in the archive section of the blog. I have no intentions to remove them (except for some sensitive ones) just so that my readers can investigate my path, to which will mostly answer to the question how I became myself today. They were all there for you to see.
It was only at one point along in the timeline of one year back, that I finally put down the pen and called for a long hiatus from writing. Perhaps I have written so much, that I have nothing else to write about, to write for, and by all means, to write to. Perhaps I was too disappointed with life, that it forced me to give up the one thing I did consistently for years.
And within that one year, many things happened. I got married. Monty died. I started gardening. I opened up a business. I went to places. I made new friends and I lost old ones. Many things happened, and it's going to take me some time to dig them up one by one. And most importantly, I totally forgot about all the things that I used to pour out in this blog.
And now, many years after, here I am, staring back at all my past writings. And all the long lost, locked-up memories broke their way out of the forgotten vaults from deep inside my otherwise very peaceful mind, come crashing one after another. Some were good ones, while some others were just plain hurtful. Some made me smile, while some just gave me the most senseless beating of my times. The familiar faces, smiles and curses, love and hate, joy and pain, came down like evening rain.
Revisiting can be both good and bad. And that explains the mixed feelings I'm experiencing as this is written.
To some, facing back the past may be one of the most frightening moments in their life. It becomes a complete taboo. It becomes something that can break one down into half and bring them down to their knees, begging for mercy, begging for forgiveness, begging to be forgotten. But how can one forget, when there is always something associated to the things one wants to forget?
It is remarkable, just how some old songs stir up our calm emotions, just how some places remind us of some forgotten memories, and just how the facial features of people in random remind us of certain somebody. And these effects last a life time.
Ironic, that the more you try to forget, the more you will remember.
That being said, I remember the reason why I abandoned this beloved blog a year ago, and it was the same reason why this entry finally became void to my application. It was happiness. I was, and still am, too happy to write. No more the mind-shaking, heart-gripping miseries in my long nights. No more interrupted sleeps. No more reasons to explore the hidden, twisted, often terrifying side of my weatherbeaten mind. And still the solace I found wasn't in me, but it was in you. I previously said that finding own solace and happiness in others is the wrongest thing, and if that is just another mistake I did, then it must be my most favourite mistake ever.
I shall thank you for that, my wife.
And for all I have lost, for all the long years of suffering, I am finally happy.
|Rusila beach, Terengganu, Oct 2014.|
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This signifies the revival of this blog. I won't let my happiness stop me from writing again. I have so much to tell, so let's do it one entry after another, yea?