Monday, May 29, 2006
For some reason, im starting to miss the old grapevine.
Home is where the heart is.
Come altogether, i surely miss the old days where words are widely spoken, none of the topics were happily closed in order to satisfy other peoples needs, where all the harsh words were taken openly in arms, and many stood up to speak like a man.
Gosh i missed my old days, where many took my writings as inspirations, where many messaged me about how at large my speeches were, and how extravagant the forummers back then when we talked about stuffs.
Here in K5, there are hardly heavy discussions. Religion sector was somehow be put apart. nobody cares about reading current issues, while many others put their basic thoughts on other visual entertainment and spamming.
I miss Kai. I miss Genjo Sanzo. I miss Solidus Snake. I miss how ableze used to stand and talk out loud. I miss the way how Effi put his ideas at rage. I miss how Silumaniax used to take over the counter by every and each of his words.
[quote][color=#FF0000]Mangifera:[/color]cam gvine, more matured issues, byk issue2 hangat yang dibincangkan secara terbuka dan suka-ati-kepala-makcik-dia-nak-flame. tp, aku learn something that is very valuable in gvine. not to be soft. melayu or specifically ASIAN ni soft hearted. bukanlah nak ngajar korang jadik kurang ajar, tp when you need to speak up your mind, or DESPERATELY to speak up, just go on and let people hear your voice. and gvine asked lots of thinking, especially in heavy discussion. nak post bukan leh sebarang.[/quote]
There were times when i was so sick of the way i think nowadays, where there were no development and nothing as such as critical thinking. When triggered, human tends to think better and wiser, and on the contrary human will only stand like trees by the river when there were nothing to trigger their minds out.
Sorry to say, but as always i stick to my principles. Some may say that "You can go to hell with you stupid principles" or "Fuchtzie you and your fuchtzie principles" but these are what i learn from back there in Grapevine. Some might take the road not taken, and i am brave enough to drag my balls all along the road alone before, until came to a point where many has follow my leads in Grapevine. I have thought many others to stand like a man, to speak like a man, and to be responsible like a man, when many others said that it was just like the other way around.
It made me sad to see this forum becomes like GOLDMEMBERS-only-forum. Where the same face, same kind of writings, same stuffs and same shit came out everyday from the very same hand that type all those words. When I tried to bring many more into this K5, using my provocation method as usual, many of the members turned against me by saying that i should have learnt to take care of others feelings. Then how about my feelings? How about others' feelings that agree with my provocation method? We live in a world of variety, only that the significant ones will treat the small groups like communist.
Sometimes we need to grow up, young ones. By saying young ones, im not saying that you are entirely young to actually say anything, but along the time we learn how to get involved and how to be matured upon other things. Try to accept others opinion no matter how bitter the truth is. That is how Grapevine works, and still we (some of the Grapeviners leftovers) have the heart for Grapevine.
Flaming blindheartedly is stupid, but to flame in such situation that it opens everybody elses' eyes, it makes you strong. It builds your confidence. It makes you tough. But hardy no one realizes this fact. Many people withdraw themselves from foruming era after being flamed, only because they feel offended and lack of confidence and all. And should the flammers be blamed on this? The one who got flamed should stand upon like strong men do, and that is when people who understand you give you respects, while the others will only kill you with their narrow minded mind.
K5 is running low at heart. No hot stuffs. No nothing. Limited. Totally remote, where all the unnecessary 'flamings' are to be wiped off the screen at no time, providing so-called comfort to the other forumers. that is what that makes K5 a boring place to actually be made a forumming place. No integrity. More entertainment-like. Some topics need to be closed entirely over 'just to make sure no one is feeling anything' reason. Then why the hell you opened such thread at first?
Brothers and Sisters,
Outside there, there could never be like this (and someone will say k5 is k5, gv is gv, outside is outside). More alike, no one will treat you like the way we treated you here. Even in GV we were shown no mercy at all. So that we can take things like a man, and so we can grow matured in only a short time. We youngsters are too child-like these days. We ought to take things casually and half-heartedly. We dont know what is actually responsibility.
"Kalau terasa diri itu [i]fragile[/i], kena marah sikit pun tak boleh, baik duduk diam2 saja. Kalaupun duduk diam, tak akan ada orang kata kamu bisu. Kalau berani bersuara, berani la tanggung. Kalau tak mahu tanggung, bisu." Rashid Razak, PhD. Admin Forum
Sometimes we hardly bite the bitter facts, but learn to. Try to accept that in this world, we need to stand up and speak up so that others will listen to you. And try to accept that not everyone is the same, there are varieties of others out there yet we need to learn about. Out there we need to fight to survive. And from where do all that starts? Here, from the very ground of us.
Brothers and Sisters,
I hope that you guys will stand up and be brave, with confidence to stand upon the other forummers and get the grip of being the true forummer, not only kiddies who cry when they get scolded. You guys are far more matured, and you guys can do it well. Look at other universities, they are far more leading than us. So be the leaders of others, lead them all the way up, making integration among students and create a brave social community with bright ideas. Together, you will make K5 something that makes you proud, rather than its 3-words-championship and hey-im-mad-today threads.
After all, this is only my personal opinion over the current matters. More or like I and Mangi are almost the same, where both of us were treated so badly that concurrently that made me be responsible of what we said and still, we are tryig to be the man who mean what we speak.
Have a very nice day.
little bitch. i hate you.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
When Tun Dr Mahathir left his seat as the Prime Minister back few years ago to his successor Pak Lah, he must be thinking that Pak Lah can proceed with what Tun had already started during his reign.
But he (Tun) lives today only to see the ruin of his dreams. Pak Lah, somehow, has failed to perform up to Tun's expectations and idisyncracies. Expected to be the successor of Tun's reign tradition, Pak Lah was somehow act quite the other way around when he turned down Tun's legacies in many ways. Pak Lah has certainly frustrated Tun over many reasons, one of them is the bridge we were supposed to build across the ocean boundary between Johor and Singapore, which in the end the government decided to cancel the whole project.
On the contrary, Tun was somehow feel personally offended about the whole thing and tried to give his personal opinion over the very matters, only to be told to shut his mouth up all along by the government over the bridge issue. The funny thing was, one of the minister in Prime Minister's Department - who once served under Tun's cabinet assembly - told Tun not to interfere anymore regarding the issue.
Nazri should realize how this old Mahathir brought up Malaysia into one of the most spectacular country in the world. After all, who is Nazri to question Tun's action when he is only a small minister like any others in the cabinet?
It would be better if the government approach Tun for advice on major decisions for he has the experience and thoughts for the betterment of the nation. From there on, the government could make a decision on what’s best for the nation and also, collectively, not irritate Tun.
When the current Prime Minister sold MV Agusta at the price of 1 Euro, I should say that the national automotive industry was facing moments of disgust and disgrace. Proton is having a very hard time now, especially when the selling price of Proton shares over the index board decreases from time to time, showing that the company is desperate anyway anyhow. People are losing faith over Proton.
In fact, people are losing faith in him (PM) as well.
This is not about BN or anything. Back then when Tun was still around, i could say that everyone was happy (despite the unhappy others) with Tun's visions and dreams. Call them mega projects, call them wastings, call them anything you want. But look at those so called mega projects. Look at KLCC, KLIA and many others. Yes they cost a lot, but in the way of getting the main and side benefits, some features must be sacrified in order to give ways to incoming fresh incomes. We are talking about investment here, no direct selling like you people always fall into in order to get fast cash.
When we say benefits, are we Malays always think about the money?
I recall this conversation with much an older person some time ago:
"Itu KLIA bazir duit aja. Buat mahal2. Membazir. Hak rakyat terabai."
Is it true? Quoting my post in one forum regarding this mega projects:
"Tapi selalunya yang komplen pasal KLIA ni, adalah orang yang naik kapal terbang dua tiga kali saja. Yang moderate dengan frequent traveler ni tak cakap apa pun sebab mereka puas hati dengan tawaran yang ada di lapangan terbang baru berbanding LTAB Subang. Yang banyak buat bising cuma pakcik2 dan makcik2 di kampung aja.
Sekarang biar kita cakap terus terang. orang kita miskin, salah kerajaan ke? Orang kita tak makan, salah kerajaan ke? orang kita bodoh tak belajar, malam2 rempit kat jalan raya, rogol anak orang, hisap dadah, salah kerajaan ke? tak dapat kerja sebab bodoh sangat, salah kerajaan ke? Kita sendiri tau siapa yang mendapat faedah dan siapa yang tidak. nak hidup, kena usahalah. takkan nak tunggu makanan sampai ke mulut.
Bila kita cakap rakyat layak mendapat pulangan berganda daripada keuntungan kerajaan. layak ke orang2 yang hidupnya hanya modified kereta pastu abai anak2 di umah, dapat duit tu? Atau budak2 dadah dapat duit tu? Budak2 yang tak tentu arah hidupnya, tak ada arah tujuan, dapat duit tu? budak2 yang hidup melepak di kedai kopi, dapat duit tu?"
Now let's get back to our story, which is about Pak Lah.
Pak Lah told the media that he wanted to put large numbers of Malaysian fruits as export items and he mentioned about enlarging the agricultural economy. Now we DO sound like some of the third world countries. What is Pak Lah trying to do, bringing back the country back 30 years ago when we were still in Razak's era? Don't we have anything else to be brought upon the industry than a bunch of mangosteen and bananas?
And it seems that Mahathir-Abdullah clashing is still an ongoing issue.
Quoting BeritaMalaysia on Abdullah-Mahathir meet in Tokyo:
UNDER ordinary circumstances it would hardly be noticed, but when Prime
Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi and his predecessor Tun Dr
Mahathir Mohamad had a meeting in Tokyo yesterday, it rang bells.
Firstly, it was thousands of kilometres from home, and secondly, it was not
in the best of times considering the fact that the former Prime Minister had
been critical of late of some decisions of the present administration.
But Abdullah was quick to quell speculation when he was asked about the
meeting at a scheduled Press conference later in the afternoon. "Yes, I did
call on Tun," said Abdullah. "But it was only to say hello and to tell him
about my visit and my meetings with several Japanese businessmen here. Nothing more than that. And please don't speculate."
This meeting will surely tell us something: wrong predictions of Tun over Pak Lah means there IS a total error somewhere. Or else, why would people speculate when there is nothing fishy about the very outcome?
Will Pak Lah stay still during next election, when he has nothing to bring Malaysia up upon except his Hadhari and fruit market strategy? Malaysia in breaking apart. Nothing more to be proud of except many of the artifacts that Tun has left us with. PakLah has turned down his predecessor and Malaysians far too much that many has agreed that Pak Lah is nothing but just a wrong pick.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Hell i cant stay sober for a day long without taking any caffein. I mean, for real dude. Im a coffee junkie. I drink coffee a lot. From as light as Ipoh white down to the darkest roast ground beans, mostly Libracan and Costa Rican dark roast. Creamy Robasta and sometimes a bit of bitter high ground Javanese ticks me on as well.
Coffee is about passions.
Back at home, usually during holidays, i used to spend a lot of time at my favourite coffee house - Starbucks. Hoooly, many of the baristas over there are my friends, or at least they recognize my face and straight away prepare my favourite order, custom made seasoned caramel frap with caramel drops at the bottom and extra caramel and whip creame for toppings. The result? Imagine this: it's like having a block of heavenly chocolate melting inside of your mouth you, refreshing yet so rejoicing.
It's life. Just plain life. 'Coz sometimes you need to find a way to escape from everything by having something special for yourself. Pampering your life with extra care, right from the experts.
I spend a lot of time in coffee houses, San Francisco, Starbucks, The Coffee Bean, Dome, Gloria Jeans and many more, just to travel around in order to find the best ground coffee to satisfy my needs.
Well, some may say it's some sort of high class things, but trust me, this is not about high class things or whatsoever. It's just that i like to have my lucky sip of coffee at anytime, anywhere.
I have my own coffee maker in my room so that i can brew my own cup of coffee. Might not be very nice, as nice as Starbucks' but Im satisfied with it, since i am my own barista.
Say what, coffee mate?
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Want one? Go to http://geocities.com/testiflash
Here it goes. Pictures of my lyfe. will post more later on. enjoy.
Just love this picture. Right beside the lake in front of the campus. Used to spend a lotta time there.
that's it. for the past 15 hours, i dont have anything in my mind that i can actually spit out.
and i miss fira a lot.
I spent the whole night on my bed licking off the creamy peanut butter using my tongue and my fingers. My mind wandered off to somewhere between the brightest star and the black hole. Damn i couldnt even remember when did i pass out last nite. Woke up with this stupid headache inside of my head and a little bit of hangover (over a jar of peanut butter?).
"perangai macam sial"
who, me? Hey come on man, you can only see the outside of the whole story. Well she's a woman so what? Do you know how much trouble i have gone through with her all along? Goddammit how can you be so blind over a lady, you manwhore? Yeah okay i know she's cute (what the fuck..) and happy and whaddyacall 'Gedix' all over but you guys actually abandoned me for her?
I mean, owh come on man...i treated you like brothers, dude.
What are you guys, huh? A bunch of losers who wait for women to flirt with you so that you can dump a friend like me for her? Gosh i cant believe she could flirt with you guys and i got blamed for it? Dammit man...seriously. She flirts with EVERY AND EACH OF YOU, open your cheap eyes man!
Im with fira. She's much more expensive than any of the street whores or very much of a Queen Elizabeth style of women. At least she does not flirt with anyone! not with you cheapskate monsters.
Ooops. lost it again. Time to lick the creamy peanut butter again. humm humm budeebum bum bum
|You Have A Type A+ Personality|
You're driven to succeed every single second of the day
And you don't let up on your goals, no matter how tired you are
You've already acheived a lot in your life... but it's not enough for you
Always on the go, you tend to get things done quickly and effectively
You have the personality to be a successful enterpreneur
Just remember to play a little too, even if play is the most difficult thing for you!
Yeah cool. So it was true that 'they' were just jealous? Well who else makes half a million dollar by sitting on a chair and play games the whole day??
i realise i haven't cooked a meal for myself in a long time and i wonder what i've been feeding my body all this while besides the familiar poison in increasing quantities. i know it doesn't help but i still end up wanting to numb my senses to escape from myself and the way i end up feeling. this week it's been even worse than before. i can't remember a single day without it. i really need to control myself before it gets out of hand. i'm sure it's affecting everything.
then people ask me about it and i try to brush it off like i'm dealing with it just fine. but no. i'm sure they can see it in my eyes. i get so conscious about it. i can see it in their faces. they know how i feel. they can see it swirling around deep in my eyes. the vacant stare that confesses my sadness. pupils blacker than black. eyes glistening even in darkness. coated in liquid.
i stop to assess myself. nothing changed. i don't know what to do about it. pushing and pulling, i'm torn. i know what i could do to feel better, but i don't really want to do it. because it might affect others too. i scratch my head and try to think what i could do that i'm not already doing and come up with nothing. no answers. how long will i live like this? something has to happen. i don't think i even know yet what lengths i would go to for it. there's some proof already. but i'm letting it be because i know all i can do now is destroy. nothing helpful. i'm already in love.
i wanted to be there. maybe not physically. just knowing that someone was there for her, to listen to her, to support her, to push her forward in the direction she knows she wants to head towards but just feeling too afraid and insecure at times. to be her best friend and defender no matter what she does. asking the right questions at the right times. the constant in a world where things are changing so drastically and quickly that we find it hard to trust anymore.
but sometimes i felt confused. like i was being pushed away. i thought that, yes, it was good that people have their own little space and life that they can keep for themselves. some sort of independence. so i let it be. i ask myself all the usual questions about what if i did it differently. what if i didn't accept it. what if i showed the more fearsome side of me. the fire that rarely burns out of control. the one i conceal so well. and i feel like engulfing her in those flames. not to harm. a wall of fire. consuming everything that brings harm.
i need new shoes. mine don't fit too well anymore. they're quite worn. peeling off in places. used and abused everyday as i walk for miles and miles. taken all over the world. mostly reliable. but i need to change them because they hurt my feet now. if i don't it might hurt me terribly. it will be sad to see them go. unused. so many memories strangely attached to them. tagged onto the laces. dragging along on the ground behind me. when i bought them i was told that not many of my kind liked them very much. it felt unique and different. just a simple pair of shoes. nothing fancy. not too costly. i looked around briefly. nothing i seem to really like. nothing particularly cheap either. i have to keep looking. my shoes are stained. different shade from when they were new. barely ever cleaned. grimy, dirty, grubby. hmm. is it possible to get myself a new heart along with my shoes? tonight my heart is a rotting fruit.
I've been through some rough times lately, but that does not mean that I need to focus on the temporariness of the situation and of the emotions. If you subscribe to that sort of thought, you must subscribe to it for all situations and emotions. I prefer to wallow in my good. It's important to experience all emotions completely and thoroughly. You feel for a reason.I spent a lot of time in my early 20s dealing with "friends issues" and moving past them. The closer I get to taking on a new role in life (friends, foe, etc.), while not imminent, the more the issues have creeped back up into my life. I have to remind myself what not to be. That does not mean I am being bitter and unforgiving.
I don't hate anyone. Shit, I don't even hate Phoney Friends and Butt monkey. I feel sorry for 'em. Well maybe I could not even learn the fundamentals about how to treat people. I couldn't grasp the fact that no human being should be struck. Playfighting, horsing around, slapping someone on the arm, that's one thing. Punching someone, smacking them in the mouth is another. Well MAYBE I didn't get it.
I don't hate my friends, the family. I just don't really like them right now. I don't hate them. I hate the situation I'm in. It would take more energy than I have right now to sit around hating anyone or holding grudges. I have my own best interests at heart for a change. And what I need to do is get my shit straight and figure out what I want to do with myself.
We need to embrace our human truths more often, whatever that truth may be. Just being our (real) selves is something we could all stand to do more often. Take the mask off once in a while, let people see your humanity... maybe you'll be vulnerable in doing so, but it's worth it.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Dulu masa kecil2, saya ada seorang datuk. Iyalah, siapa yang tak ada datuk, kan? Cuma saya sempat dengan seorang sahaja datuk saya, iaitu yang di sebelah bapa.
Seawal umur saya 2 tahun lagi, saya dibela oleh datuk dan nenek saya di sebuah rumah papan kecil di sebuah perkampungan pinggir Kuala Lumpur. Perkampungan kecil tepi bandar yang pada ketika itu masih giat membangun. Nak buat macam mana, ibu bapa saya bekerja di Damansara, dan pada masa itu manalah kami mampu untuk menggaji seorang amah di rumah. Lagipun datuk dan nenek saya berkeras hendak menjaga saya di kampung pinggir bandar yang damai itu.
Pukul enam suku pagi, kami sudah meninggalkan rumah dan menuju ke pusat bandar Kuala Lumpur. Saya masa itu masih lagi berdengkur di tempat duduk belakang kereta dengan bantal busuk saya. Sampai sahaja di rumah datuk, saya didukung oleh ibu saya ke dalam rumah. Tapi selalunya saya akan meronta-ronta hendak turun, untuk didukung oleh datuk yang pada masa itu selalunya berkain pelikat dan berbaju kemeja.
Dan di dalam dukungan datuklah saya melambai jauh ke arah kereta ayah yang semakin lama semakin hilang di mata pandangan saya.
Datuk saya badannya besar, besar betul. Hampir dua kali ganda badan saya sendiri. Maklumlah, orang lama2. Dahulu datuk saya bekerja membuat rumah dan menjadi drebar lori sahaja, tapi mampu membesarkan 12 anaknya sehingga kini berjaya delam hidup masing-masing. Rumah papan di kampung itu juga dibina oleh bapa dan datuk saya sendiri, dan masa itu bapa saya hanya berumur 12 tahun.
Di kampung kecil itu, terletak sebuah sungai hampir 20 meter sahaja dari rumah datuk. Pagi2 buta itu datuk akan mendukung saya menuju ke sebuah pangkin di tepi sungai untuk melihat deruan air sungai yang jernih. Atuk selalunya akan membawa sebotol kicap manis cap kipas udang dan sebatang sudu kecil bersama2nya. Ibu sayalah yang selalunya rajin membekalkan telur separuh masak dua biji untuk atuk tapi selalunya sebiji akan saya lahap disuapkan oleh atuk. Dan kami akan duduk berdua di pangkin itu melihat naiknya sang matahari.
Dalam pukul tujuh empat puluh, atuk akan menghidupkan api berlaukkan tempurung kelapa kering untuk memasak air. Bukan air minum, tapi air untuk saya mandi kerana air kolah di rumah atuk selalunya sejuk. Masak sahaja air, atuk akan memanggil nenek untuk mencampurkan air panas itu dengan sebahagian air kolah simen di bilik air. Sementara nenek memandikan saya, atuk akan memanaskan enjin vespa tuanya di depan rumah dan menunggu saya bersiap di dalam rumah.
Nenek akan memakaikan saya baju dan membedakkan saya. Habis putih muka saya, seperti orang India yang baru pulang dari perayaan wel wel.
Atuk akan mendirikan saya di antara dua kakinya dan saya akan berdiri di atas panel vespa tua itu. Saya dibawa berjalan di sekitar Keramat sebelum berhenti di Pasar Keramat untuk membeli sarapan pagi. Selalunya roti canai kegemaran atuk.
Di rumah, saya akan melantak roti canai dengan gula merah, manakala nenek dan atuk makan bercicahkan kuah dal yang pada masa itu masih pedas bagi saya.
Kemudian, apabila perut sudah kenyang, atuk akan menepuk punggung saya di hadapan tv dan kami akan tidur sehingga menjelang tengahari. Selalunya nenek akan memberus kain di belakang rumah. Atuk akan bangun pada tengahari, tapi saya selalunya akan terlansung sehingga ke petang.
Pukul 3 petang selalunya atuk akan mengajak saya ke kedai pakcik Harun di lorong sebelah rumah untuk mengutip tempurung kelapa untuk dibakar nanti. Selalunya pakcik Harun akan memecahkan sebiji dua kelapa yang dipilih atu untuk mendapatkan tombong kelapa yang berwarna kuning keemasan di dalamnya. Atuk tahu saya gemar sangat dengan tombong kelapa kerana rasanya yang lemak manis. Dan saya seperti biasa akan melahap tanpa meninggalkan sedikit pun untuk atuk.
Atuk akan membawa pulang seguni penuh kelapa kering. Saya sibuk dengan tombong kuning saya.
Kemudian atuk akan membawa saya melihat koleksi burung merpati dan tekukur miliknya yang banyak terkumpul di sebuah sarang besar. Atuk akan menyanyi2 sambil saya mencuit2 burung tersebut. Dan kami akan duduk di sebuah pangkin batu di bawah pokok rambutan depan rumah yang rendang dan sejuk sambil menunggu ayah dan ibu saya pulang dari kerja.
Beberapa tahun selepas itu, saya mulai ke sekolah. Tiap2 pagi atuk akan memimpin saya untuk menunggu bas di tepi jalan. Tangan saya dipegang kemas kerana dia atuk tahu saya tak reti duduk diam. naik sahaja bas, saya akan menangis2 melihat ke arah atuk yang melambai perlahan ke arah saya. Jelas di muka tuanya tergambar riak risau apabila apek cina pembawa bas itu membawa saya jauh dari atuk.
Di tadika saya tak sabar2 hendak pulang ke rumah.
Bas yang sama akan membawa saya pulang ke pangkuan atuk yang setia menunggu di tepi jalan dengan seluar lusuhnya serta singlet putih. Dan saya akan melompat turun dari bas dan memeluk atuk saya. Terlepas rindu saya pada tiap2 pagi tatkala saya berpisah dengan atuk.
Dan kami akan duduk di tepi sungai sambil makan aiskrim dan atuk akan memetik buah ceri masak untuk saya makan. Kadang2 atuk akan membawa lastik getah untuk melastik burung2 gagak yang melintas di hadapannya.
"Nanti pegi sekolah belajar rajin2. Dah besar boleh bawa atuk pergi jalan2."
Atuk sering kali berpesan kepada saya setiap kali saya hendak ke sekolah. Dan setiap kali itu jugalah saya menangis bila bas kuning kontot itu semakin lama semakin jauh meninggalkan atuk yang melambai perlahan di tepi jalan.
Satu hari itu, saya dapat nombor satu dalam peperiksaan, terbaik dalam tiga mata pelajaran. Saya punyalah gembira sehingga tak sabar2 hendak pulang ke rumah. 3 piala berada di genggaman saya untuk saya tunjuk kepada atuk.
Tapi bila saya turun dari bas kuning kontot itu, atuk tidak ada di tempat selalu dia menunggu. Saya heran. Terus saya melompat turun dari bas, kata "Terima kasih uncle" kepada apek cina pemandu bas itu seperti yang atuk ajar, dan kemudian berlari pulang ke rumah.
Ada kereta ayah. Tak kerja ke?
Di dalam rumah saya melihat ayah sedang berbaring di dalam uniform kerjanya, manakala ramai saudara-mara saya berkumpul di dalam rumah. Ibu saya sedang menolong nenek mengemaskan kain baju atuk dan dimasukkan ke dalam beg. Saya tanya ibu, "Mama, atuk mana?"
Mama senyum. Katanya atuk masuk hospital. Demam.
Kemudian ayah saya membawa nenek, ibu dan saya ke hospital untuk berjumpa dengan atuk. Di sana saya lihat ada macam2 wayar masuk ke badan atuk. Atuk tidur, fikir saya kerana saya lihat dia terbaring dan tidak bergerak2. Di sebelahnya ada TV yang terpamer garisan panjang turun naik dan berbunyi dit dit dit.
Saya lihat ayah saya bercakap2 dengan doktor tapi saya malas nak ambil tau. Saya cuma pegang tangan atuk dan berharap dia bangun untuk melihat piala yang saya dapat pagi tadi.
Tak lama kemudian, ayah saya memanggil saya dan ibu saya untuk pulang ke rumah. Walau bagaimanapun, ayah saya meninggalkan kami di rumah dan menuju entah ke mana, saya pun tak tahu.
Dalam pukul 3 petang macam tu, ayah saya kembali ke rumah dengan muka yang sugul. Dia masuk ke bilik dan menutup pintu. Saya dengar ibu dan ayah saya berborak2.
"Mi pegi mandi. Kita nak pegi rumah atuk," kata ibu saya sambil tersenyum.
Saya apa lagi, berlari ke bilik air dan bersiap2. piala2 yang tiga ketul itu saya bawa sekali. Tak sabar rasanya nak jumpa atuk.
Sampai sahaja di rumah atuk, saya lihat ada ramai orang pakai songkok. Saya jadi tak tenteram sebab saya nak jumpa atuk, bukan jumpa mereka semua ini. Ada juga makcik2 bertudung yang keluar masuk dari rumah. Seorang pakcik saya sedang menyiapkan pancang kayu dengan kain putih tergantung di hujungnya. Di dalam rumah saya nampak nenek sedang menangis, dan anak2 nenek yang perempuan juga menangis.
Saya toleh ke belakang dan melihat bapa saya sedang duduk di pangkin batu tempat saya dan atuk saya sering menghabiskan masa bersama2 tiap2 petang. Ibu pula berada di sisi bapa saya sambil mengurut belakang bapa.
Tiga2 piala itu jatuh dari tangan saya.
Saya berlari masuk ke rumah, hanya untuk melihat jasad besar atuk terbaring di hadapan tv tempat saya dan atuk saya sering tidur bersama. Ada sehelai kain batik lepas menutupi jasad atuk.
Saya berlari ke arah atuk tapi saya dipegang erat oleh makcik saya dari belakang. saya menjerit2 meronta2 ingin dilepaskan tapi saya hanyalah seorang budak kecil. Akhirnya saya menjerit2 menangis.
Saya cuma mahu atuk saya.
Bila atuk selesai dikapankan, ibu memimpin saya untuk mencium dahi atuk. Saya cakap dengan atuk (sambil tersedu sedan dengan hingus meleleh2 dari hidung) untuk buka mata sekejap saja. Mi dapat piala hari ini, atuk. Bukalah mata atuk. Mi nak makan buah ceri lagi. Mi nak makan pisang rebus yang atuk selalu masakkan. Mi nak makan tombong kelapa lagi. bangun la atuk. lepas ni siapa nak bawa mi naik vespa pegi jalan2. Baba tak tau naik motor. Atuk, bangun la.
Tapi atuk tak bangun langsung.
Budak bandar seperti saya, susah hidupnya. Tambahan pula saya sekolah pagi, dan mak ayah saya bekerja pula. Hendak tak hendak, terpaksalah saya diseret oleh ibu saya ke bilik air setiap pagi untuk mandi. Masa itu Kuala Lumpur masih lagi di era pembangunan. Rumah kami di tepi bukit sering membuatkan saya menggigil ketakutan apabila melihat air kolah batu yang seperti air batu dinginnya.
Kasih ibu membawa ke syurga. Ibu saya akan menjerang secerek besar air panas utuk dicampurkan ke dalam baldi untuk saya mandi. Dan saya pun mandilah dengan senyuman yang lebar seperti bayi2 yang meneran hendak membuang air besar.
Selalunya pada pukul enam suku, saya dan ibu bapa saya akan meninggalkan rumah. Pagi buta, ayam pun masih berdengkur di dalam reban. Tapi pada masa tu Jalan Ampang sudah penuh dengan kenderaan. Kadangkala saya tertidur di dalam kereta sepanjang perjalanan ke sekolah yang mengambil masa lebih kurang 15 minit.
Pukul 6 setengah pagi saya sudah tercegat di depan pintu pagar yang masih belum dibuka lagi oleh pakcik jaga sekolah. Seperti orang bodoh, saya akan duduk melihat kereta lalu lalang di Jalan Semarak (sekolah saya berhadapan dengan Menara Celcom kini). Sesetengahnya akan menurunkan anak mereka, manakala yang lain2 hanya melintas lalu. Itulah rutin saya seharian, dan ianya sangatlah membosankan. Sehinggalah pada satu hari saya ternampak satu kereta mercedes lama berwarna putih yang dipandu oleh seorang tua. Kereta itu berhenti, dan menurunkan seorang kanak2 perempuan baya2 saya.
Walau sudah 12 tahun berlalu, tapi wajah kanak2 itu masih segar dalam ingatan saya. Putih bersih melepak. Berpakaian pinafore biru sahaja. Rambutnya panjang lurus berwarna cokelat muda, diikat seperti ekor anak kuda. Beg kecil tersandang di bahunya. Lawa dan manis pada pandangan mata saya.
Masa itu, maklumlah, nakal. Saya sering bermain bola cop di padang, main kejar2, main sorok2 dan macam2 lagi permainan, termasuklah menconteng kapur di seluar rakan2 saya. Nakal bukan main masa tu. Saya juga sering mengacau rakan2 perempuan saya sampai mereka menangis mendayu2 memanggil mama masing2. Piat jugalah telinga bila si cikgu dapat tau. Nakalnya saya memang tak terkira.
Satu hari, saya menyorokkan satu buku cerita kawan perempuan saya di dalam beg saya sendiri. Curilah, senang cerita. Buku warna-warni tentang puteri raja dan entah apa2 lagi. Sekadar suka2 kata orang.
Pada masa rehat, saya nampak kawan saya menangis mendayu2 kerana bukunya hilang. biasalah, anak perempuan. menekup muka dengan tangan dan menangis dengan kepalanya hilang di celah lengan di atas meja. Kami yang laki2 bersorak sorai di belakangnya sambil menguis kepalanya dengan pembaris kayu 30 sen beli di koperasi sekolah.
Buku itu masih ada di dalam beg saya.
Pada masa untuk pulang menaiki bas sekolah, saya lihat rakan saya yang menangis mendayu2 itu sedang duduk di tepi longkang (dia pulang dengan ayahnya). Dan saya lihat kanak2 kecil yang sering saya usha dan ekori setiap pagi itu duduk di sebelahnya sambil membelai2 kepalanya. Saya dengan penuh minat melihat dan mencuri2 pandang ke arah mereka.
"Itu Mia," kata seorang kawan saya. "budak kelas kita."
Oh, mia namanya. apa nama penuhnya, ya? Saya mencuri peluang berkenalan melalui kawan saya yang duduk di sebelah saya di dalam bas yang penuh dengan budak2 yang sedang berbuat bising sambil menggigit aiskrim potong di mulut.
"Saidatul Maria. Orang panggil Mia."
Wah, kata saya. Saidatul Maria. Sedapnya nama!
Bas yang saya naiki kemudiannya bergerak perlahan meninggalkan perkarangan sekolah. Saya masih lagi mencuri2 pandang ke arah mereka berdua sebelum keduanya lenyap di sebalik asap bas yang hitam dan busuk. Hilang sahaja mereka, saya buka beg saya dan saya keluarkan buku warna-warni yang saya curi dari rakan saya tadi, kononnya untuk menghilangkan rasa bosan. Seronok membacanya, tambahan ada lakaran kartun2 yang menggelikan hati. Saya dengan asyik membelek2 buku tersebut sehinggalah ke muka surat terakhir, yang terconteng dengan satu tulisan yang kemas.
"Selamat hari jadi Saidatul Maria, dari mama dan papa."
Sampai sahaja di rumah, saya belek2 buku itu. saya baca dan baca dan baca sehinggakan ibu saya naik risau. Kadang2 saya cium buku itu dan memeluknya. Sampai masa tidur, buku itu saya simpan di bawah bantal.
Saya ada juga berkira2 hendak memulangkan kembali buku itu tapi saya takut kerana Mia mungkin akan marah dan membenci saya. Buku itu saya simpan untuk hampir dua minggu. Selama itu jugalah saya membelek2 buku itu dan membalutnya dengan plastik. Lama saya berfikir2, sehinggalah saya tertidur sendiri pada satu hari itu kerana terlalu penat mengelinjang di sekolah.
Seperti biasa ibu saya akan mengejutkan saya, cuma pada petang itu dengan buku kesayangan saya ada di tangannya.
"Mana dapat buku ni?"
"Mi pinjam," kata saya.
"Betul.." balas saya.
mama menarik nafas panjang dan bertanya lagi.
"Betul ke pinjam?"
"Err..tak..." saya hanya tunduk kerana takut. Tapi mama saya tak pernah pukul saya pun. Ayah saya sahaja yang rajin berbuat begitu.
Ibu saya kata, baik pulangkan balik buku itu kepada tuan punyanya. Hidup kena tanggungjawab, kata ibu. Saya katalah yang saya takut, tapi mama kata jangan takut. Saya mula2nya tidak mahu, tapi bila dipujuk saya akhirnya berlembut hati. Saya berazam, esok saya akan memulangkan buku tersebut selepas dua minggu berada di dalam genggaman saya.
Seperti biasa esoknya saya akan menunggu mercedes lama itu di depan sekolah, akan tetapi mercedes itu tak kunjung tiba seperti selalu. Sehinggalah saya menaiki bas untuk pulang, saya tidak berjumpa dengan Mia. Mia berlainan kelas dengan saya sebenarnya.
"Mia masuk hospital kena denggi," kata kawan saya di sebelah apabila saya bertanyakan tentang Mia.
"Denggi tu apa?"
"Denggi tu sebab kena gigit nyamuk."
Saya heran. Saya selalu sahaja digigit nyamuk tapi tak pula ibu saya hantar saya ke hospital. Sepanjang perjalanan saya diam membisu sambil memegang beg saya, yang di dalamnya tersimpan kemas buku Mia yang berbalut rapi dalam balutan kertas hadiah. Saya sendiri yang balut, meskipun tidak selawa mana.
Hendak juga saya melawat Mia tapi saya tak tahu dia di mana. Lagipun saya masih budak.
Enam hari berlalu. Mia masih tidak datang ke sekolah. Sehinggalah pada suatu hari, ketika perhimpunan hari Jumaat pagi (sekolah kami ada perhimpunan pada setiap pagi), pengetua menjemput ustaz untuk naik ke pentas dan memberikan ucapan. Saya dan kawan2 seperti biasa gelak sakan di belakang sambil bermain lawan pemadam.
"Anak2 semua, kita bacakan Fatihah ya untuk seorang anak perempuan yang meninggal dunia malam tadi. Rakan kamu juga. Ustaz pasti dengan doa kalian, dia akan dapat ke syurga."
Bila saya dengar, saya jadi gemuruh. Kawan2 saya juga berhenti bermain lawan pemadam dan bermain penutup botol.
"Ada orang mati laa.." kata kawan saya.
Saya tergamam. Siapa yang mati? Saya lihat riak ustaz di pentas tampak tenang dan bersahaja. Alah...mungkin anak ustaz tu kot yang mati.
"Bismillah...mudah-mudahan Allahyarhamah Saidatul Maria Muhammad Syukri akan bahagia di sana nanti. Al-Fatihah, anak2. Bismillah..."
Saya seperti hendak menjerit. Muka saya pucat, tapi terasa darah menderu naik ke muka. Rasa sedih yang tak terhingga. Rasa seperti kehilangan yang amat, seperti kehilangan Ultraman Ace di tangan King Joe (masa itu saya hanya budak2). Saya buka beg dan lihat buku yang berbalut itu ada sedikit terkoyak. Sehingga habis bacaan Al-Fatihah, telinga saya tidak berfungsi langsung.
Sahingga waktu rehat, saya tidak bermaya. Melepek sahaja di atas kerusi. Cikgu saya yang juga seorang perempuan memeriksa saya di dahi. Rupanya saya demam. Terus saya dihantar pulang ke rumah.
Dua hari saya demam. Sepanjang dua hari itu jugalah saya menangis kepiluan. mungkin itulah kali pertama saya merasakan apa itu rasanya sayang dan kehilangan. Saya termimpi2 tentang Mia.
Sejak dari itu, saya tak dapat menerima pemergian Mia. Saya masih menunggu kereta Mercedes putih itu di tepi jalan seperti yang pernah saya buat setiap hari. Saya tidak pernah miss pun menunggu kereta itu.
Tapi kereta itu tak pernah datang.
looking back at life, to all of the women i have left, all of them have already got themselves good joy boyfriends, even husbands and fiancee. And here i am standing at the point of no return, to ponder and to regret my mistakes and my sins. Alone in the dark, boring life, wasting my time for nothing in particular, juz to wonder whether this life is still the same as before. i am happy for them, even though i miss them in every and each way. but a spilt milk would never be recovered as it goes mix with every other subtances it meets all the way into the cracks of stones.
I would be more than happy to continue my life to do whatever that i could, and i am now at the peak of my time; im doing my research on robotics and everyone is turning their heads into it, i am one of the popular icon inside the university for my appearances and my mind talks, and i am like a brother to many other souls, as for that i think, i act and i talk like a 25 year old man.
but then, when night comes and there is nothing to do, i always think about my lonely life. i need love as well as other humans, but who am i to exceed God's will? pathetic, that i have spent my portions of life with many beauty queens, but i left them for the better ones, just to realize that the one i am searching for, is the one who only comes in my dreams.
quoting Effi Weiland:
Khas buat kamu yang cantik jelita
Suka tersenyum senang ketawa
Amacam hidup amacam kerja
Jangan boros kurangkan belanja
Khas buat kamu yang kini gembira,
Bersama tunang bertitle Engineer,
Aku hanya artis yang hina,
Harta, muka semua tak ada
Khas buat kamu yang seolah lega,
Bila aku mula bertegur sapa,
Dengan kamu melalui friendster,
Nak jadi kawan konon alasannya,
Khas buat kamu yang tiada perasaan,
Aku digunakan macam kenderaan,
Kemana kau mahu aku bawakan,
Ku sapport kamu baju dan makan
Khas buat kamu yang buat ku marah,
Segala priorities telah ku serah,
Agar hidupmu di UTP menjadi mudah,
Selepas kau keluar aku disampah
Khas buat kamu yang dipanggil baby,
Kusayang kamu dimata dan dihati,
Ku telefon kamu setiap hari,
Harapanku agar tidak kau lari
Khas buat kamu yang kuat menipu,
Diam-diam kau pasang lagi satu,
Tap tup kamu sudah menjadi menantu,
Kepada mak dia bukan mak aku
Khas buat kamu yang telah kumaafkan,
Kuhalalkan minum dan juga makan,
Dendam kesumat aku batalkan,
Keranaku manusia bukannya haiwan
Khas buat kamu yang senyum disana,
Harap kau tidak menjadi buta,
Dengan duitan dan juga harta,
Kerana itu hanyalah sementara
Khas buat kamu yang bakal menikah,
Dipalu kompang dan kenduri meriah,
Berkebaya labuh berlipstik merah,
Besrsuami hensem , tegap dan gagah
Khas buat kamu di hari bahagia,
Harap kekal bersama selamanya,
Aman damai rumah tangganya,
Tidak terbang periuk belanga
Khas buat kamu sampai disini,
Kita takkan berjumpa lagi,
Cukuplah sekali ku tak hendak lagi,
Aku kan bujang sampailah mati
The coffee here on my table is the seventh cup through the day, just out from the coffee maker sited next to my computer. The aroma sprungs my nose as the dark-choc color of the ground beans melted away along with the draining water. Spaniard Libraca and Javanese Black. Sounds like a ferrari to coffee junkies who know their coffees well.
Let's talk about loneliness.
Oh i have gone a long way of a lonely life. Lonely is when you dont have anyone that goes along with you, or actually be there for you when you need them the most (well that's what i can think about it anyway). Simply is that you dont have anyone to pull you out of shits you have been digging out from everyday.
And loneliness always come together with sadness and sorrow. The pain. The ignorance. The unbeatable monster of emotions that hits you everytime with his bold hand, crushing your ego and pride and dignity and confidence all along. And then you will start to feel hopeless, start to feel sad all the time; simply down. And then hatred starts to take over you, and all you feel inside is sadness; cold as ice and anger; burning anger of hatred.
And here I am, in hatred. Of love.
Sitting on the ledge of this 3rd floor apartment I am left broken in a million pieces. My heart bleeds from a thousand stab wound inflicted by that thing they call love. Down below in my eyes i can see cast iron steel garden poles protruding skywards. Its sharp rusty points seem to be urging me to jump onto them.
"Come join us. It wont be painful anymore",
Those sharp points seem to be talking to me, inviting me to the endless world. Sharp and strong, those poles are hidden behind the glistening road lights, like gream rippers. It would be a quick death when those poles entered your skull when you fall onto them, just like how you push those sticks into a bunch of meatballs to make those sate. But let's just say that i dont want my face and body to actually be torn apart from each other, neither i wanna be buried along with a garden pole inside my crunched bones.
Thank God i have Jenny by my side. Although she just came into my life, she'd always be my best lady. To serve a man whenever he wants to be served; she does that. Hugs and kisses for her, lovely lady of mine. And owh i just love how she shrieks and sounds when i touch those hotspots on her with her body in my lap, my hands on her neck and eyes on her lady lumps.
"Who the fuck is that?" No one. Just my guitar.
Calling all angels. Help me through. This loneliness is killing me deep inside. Slowly I dance my fingers on those strings, producing those sounds that hit my ear drums like enormous lightnings. Hell i dont even know what am I trying to play but i just play it out loud. Like a man.
Because she always wants me to be what men are supposed to be.
And here's another story of her, another newcomer.
This lovely lady, ahh, i just dont know how to describe her. She's just that; lovely. But sometimes she's just being so pessimist about me. I dont know why but sometimes she feels bad for being herself to me. She's doing fine tho, just that i dont really kow how to tell her those facts. She pulls over everytime, and she's inferior about herself. Women, obviously.
But the thing is, dear, being a honey you are doing great. Just that it would be better if you can be sweeter and sweeter.
Quoting myself in a forum recently:
"So, why love? if to love is to make some other people happy, then that's charity. not love.
arent you people fight for love? so i've heard.
to love is to benefit. it's like business, you know. both parties expect a lot.
to let her go is to miss an opportunity. wasted. another address be crossed over inside the little black book.
if to love is to benefit others, then we can start opening a charity store, where we love our crush for loving other men.
isnt that gonna be perfect?"
baculkah aku kerana menagih kasih seorang perempuan?
lemahkah aku kerana jatuh dek penangan seorang perempuan?
bodohkah aku kerana dipermainkan perempuan?
tumpaskah aku di tangan seorang perempuan?
akukah aku kerana perempuan?
Aku cuma pipit yang gila dan sepi.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Things are better left unspoken.
It was raining the whole evening. The day seems to be quite slow. Nothing was done today, except listening to the bloody Ten2five 'You'. Well, maybe the song suit me today. I could barely see the sun outside. Atmosphere was cold, and somehow I am sick of the world today. Lifeless like always, but worst.
I had a small fight with a girl today. Quite big for beginners actually. I dont know what went wrong, but well, things always came up my way.
She claimed that i showed her no mercy. I lost it upon her. Or something like that. I was sad though, and i ended up lying on my bed, thinking over it. But things did not turn out right and so i confronted her digitally to know what was actually coming out wrong.
We talked though. We talked and we talked and we talked, but it seem that she was upset with me over something. I tried to dig things up but she resisted the effort i showed. In the end, I sat on my chair waiting for her reply.
But there was no reply at all. Bloody messenger.
I and her, both of us are getting close together. We exchange thoughts and laughs. We spent time on dinner and suppers. We went to the mall together. We called each other. We used to be that, but not now. But i know i still care for her. I have to admit though, that she always raise my temper with her foolishness that occurs sometimes in her actions. But i dont get mad out of any reason. I get mad because i care. I dont want her to repeat the same mistakes she's been doing over and over again.
But she never take a chance to understand.
Never she can accept me as one of the precious men in her life. Who am I in the first place? I am no one at all. I don't have a promising life yet, let alone the richness and manners. But i never hesitate to learn all that. She was the one who told me that it's okay to breath again in this life of fears. She pulled me up again into my glory times. Im even successful now, compared to the old me back then. It is not that cool to say that i actually changed for a woman, but I did. I did all along, to impress her how i can ace my life.
But this sparrow was never seen by her two violet eyes. I mean, who would love a sparrow anyway?
Mom has been asking me few times about my status. Well, blame that on my bloody little brother who has damn sweet and gorgeous beauties as his girlfriends. Yes, beauties, and many of 'em. Does that make me a loser in your eyes, mom? I know she was just worried since that I only spend my time over my electronic projects and my idiotic-insane apological novel writings and bloggings and forumings. She's an old woman now, 55 of age old. Well..maybe that she just wanted a girl in her life since what she has are only two boys in the family.
I'm sick of love songs nowadays.
Sometimes I took it personally when i failed the second attempt in anything. It's hard to be a perfectionist, that is. But this girl i fought with just now made up my day whenever i was all down to earth back then in the younger days. It was fun to have her though, since that she never gives a damn about what i am all about. She was a friend that i want all these time. To lose her, is to lose myself. Came a point this little heart of a sparrow healed itself, thanx to her sweet smiles.
But what could a sparrow like me do? I can only see that smiles faded away with tons of miseries.
She said i never give a single shit to herself.
Only if she knew that when she was happy with her friends and left me alone at a side, I still kept my track with her of how she was doing and how was she all around through, even when she did not.
If only she knew that when she was down with tears when anything happened to her, i was down with tears too.
Only if she knew that when she was mad or had no mood at all, i still gave calls to ask about her, even when she did not bother about me at all.
Well...it is hard to be a fool in love.
To me, she was a white rose.
' A sparrow was once in love with a white rose. One find day this sparrow proposed the white rose, only to be told that only when the white rose turns red, the rose will love him.
Sparrow tare his body and slowly spreaded his blood on the white rose and the rose turned red. When the last shed of the sparrow's blood was on her, the rose fell in love with him, only to see that the Sparrow is no more but a dead body in front of her.
She cried over and over but her colour grew more reddish, without her realizing that Sparrow was with her all along spreading his living blood over her all around.
She can never realize it, because for her the blood was just blood while the Sparrow was already in heaven up above.
But for Sparrow, his blood was never his. The blood, was of love.'
Am I a love fool?
We met just now only to sort things out. Her face faded away with tears, that blue black signs under her chocmalt eyes told me that she's been crying a lot. I pulled her over to a bench and we started talking.
No, actually i was the only one talking.Goddammit i missed those smiles, really. Well, luckily she did talk a bit, and then a lot. Back to the usual girl i know. Got beaten once or twice, but it was really worthy. I let her beat me up, and we both ended up in laughter.
She's just special.
One and a half hours of talking. We talked a bout life, bout consequences of things, bout everything. And there it goes again; that smile i have been craving for some times. Exactly like the way i wish it to look like. I sent her home, and there we go again, folks. Two, men and women, experiencing things we call affections.
"Im stuck in you."
I miss her now. Talk, you bloody messenger!
Sometimes life is just great.
I can't sleep since yesterday. Too many things in mind, making my brain worked on actively even though my sugar count was running on low. My body burnt out horribly of heat of my own rage and bursting adrenaline rushing in my veins.
I met Tasha again this morning at around 6.40 in the morning. I promised her a CD which i include many of the newest songs and clips. Since that she's going to leave at 8.00 am, I just wanted to spend some of my precious time with her. I drove my car slowly in heavy fog, heading to Ruby in the old campus area. As i past the lake, i can see the shimmering light telling me that sunrise was to occur in few minutes time. In fact, it has already started.
So there she was, standing while leaning against the metal bars that supports the blocks foundation and load. She was smiling in such a pleasing manner that it actually made me smile as well. She wore a blue lacoste shirt and a blue jeans with a pair of high heel shoes. As i stopped my car and parked a few metres away, she started to make her paces towards me, full with vogueness and elegance.
Hell of a lady, i could see.
I opened the door to let her in and she sat next to me. And again I captured the smell of her perfume. It was not that strong though, but somehow it chained me to moments of silence. Before i start to get really kinky, I handed her the CD and told her to take a look at the contents once she gets to a computer. And i so i just continued talking and talking, and she responded well. Slowly, the mood was set and we're both were into conversation up to a point that we laughed and smiled at each other. And so we realized that still the chemistry is still working.
But I am a changed man now. I am no longer that kid who was once full with passion to fulfil everything life asks from him. I have live a life long enough to see what the world can do to people with dreams. I was torn down, i was hurt. I was slashed to pieces just to learn what mercy means in this real world. I am no longer the kid who believes in life justice and perplexion of happiness. Sadness and sorrow from all the way here taught me to be strong to even shed a tear upon any misery. And slowly the love which once was there slowly faded away and died in total emptiness. I can no longer love, not anymore.
We ended up watching the sun rise from the inside of my car. Not even a word was spoken, it was a total moment of silence. For quite some time we were like that, enjoying our own passion and feelings, exploring each other.
" Maybe you need to go now, Tasha."
Some of the UTM students of whom Tasha has to look after had come out from their blocks and walked to their bus to get ready for the next journey. I went out from my car and opened the other door so that Tasha can go out easily. Well, people might see it as cheesy, but I just stick to the gentlemen code of ethics. Once she was out of the car, i gave her a last smile, and i shook her hand. I could not let her go, as if I wasnted to keep her forever. But I know, that time has already gone. She was no longer the rose that this sparrow owns for himself. She is now free to entertain anyone with her tremendous beauty. Slowly, i let her hand off mine, and we exchanged smile for the last time.
"You take care now Jack."
I turned on my car engine, and with full calm i waved her goodbye. I moved my car slowly so that I can see her from my rear-view mirror. I could see her standing, looking at me from my back. The extreme feelings were killing me slowly as i moved more further from her. Heartful of sorrow, i was. When i took the corner to my left at the cafe heading to the main road, i saw her for the last time waving her slender hands at me. And that was when my heart cried again in the inside. This is it...this will be the last time i will see her around for another couple of months or even years. The chain breaks again for now, until one jolly good time to meet each other once again.
Time passed by so slowly. I wasted the whole day sleeping on my bed. I did not want to even think about it, about her, about everything. When I woke up, it was already sunset. And so i rushed down to my car, started the engine and went off to where I was this morning when the same sun rose. The parking area in front of Ruby was clear. There was no human. There was no bus. No car. Nothing. The silence broke my emotion. I walked out from my car to where i met Tasha this morning, hoping for one crazy thing which no man can make it possible. I walked to the metal bars, expecting to see her smiling at me with her arms wrapping around her body. When i got nearer to the bars, i closed my eyes and opened them again after a few seconds.
But she was never there.
I just want to scream.
I received a call at early morning from a friend, saying that she is now in UTP. She came over to UTP representing the UTM-SPE for some sort of talks and stuffs. She is the secretary of the highly respected community in oil and gas industry, and i respect her for that as well. And so she informed me whether I am free at any time today since that she was here and maybe a casual outing would do if I can clear my schedule for the day in any way. Im free of course, but there is something about her that actually creates a barrier between this table for two.
She was my ex.
And so I planned to bring her out for dinner, and since that i dont really wanna get too awkward, i invited two of my friends. Dina and Aesha quickly agreed and we straight away planned for the night events. Unconditionally nervous, i tried to calm down and prepared to act profesionally. Since both of us are leaders and we used to be exposed to proper communication manners, I dont think Tasha will get awkward as well.
8.30 pm. I walked down the stairs in calm and headed to my beloved baby. She was there, right at the place i left her before the heavy rain this evening. As i rotated the key to ignition, Dina came from my side and greeted this old man as usual. Her dress was simple but stylish. Dina has this kind of style where she can exist as a vogue as possible, and her smiles and laughs always cheer me up whenever that bloody black cloud hovers over me on my bad hair day.
"Are we ready, Jack?" Yeah. Let's go then. I inhaled some big volume of air and gave out a big sigh before reversing the car to fetch Aesha in V3 cafe porch.
Aesha came in white long sleeve t-shirt and black pants. 3 up, one more to go. And this last one lady will give me hell of a big anxiety over my ownself. I looked at Dina before i gave Tasha a call to tell her that we're ready to pick her up. Dina smiled in sympathy and nodded her head. It's gonna be it.
"We'll be there in a minute, Tasha."
Miss Tasha, still as gorgeos like the last time i saw her. As tall as a model, she can attract any guy who crosses her path. She is even successful now, and that's what making me proud of her still. Just a simple brown shirt and jeans, she gailed her jacket around her shoulder while fixing her lovely long hair with her firm long fingers. She lost some weight though, and she looked even hotter now. More confident, and more lovely.
God, i really miss this lady.
As she entered the car, her perfume reminded me of the good old days. She still wore the same perfume, and the smell broke my man heart deep inside.
In the car, three of the girls talked and talked and talked while I listened to the radio and shut the hell up. Many things came into my mind. All the fucking memories and all the bloody phenomenal incidents that happened that finally brought us up to a point of no return. Too many memories. Too many sadness and sorrows. As the aircond blew, her perfume killed me slowly inside.
We went to Moven Peak for dinner, and the girls have hell of a nite. Tasha and Dina and Aesha...they seemed to get along together. Which is good though. We had hell long of a chat and laughs. Especially Dina who extremely bossing us out by showing off her skill with chopsticks and cili jeruk. All along, my eyes were on Tasha, and i knew the other two (not Tasha of course) realized that. Well, not that im a stalker, just that i missed my girl too much.
(She was once yours, Jack. She's not anymore now. Get over it.)
Coffee Bean was our next stop, and again we blew the place up with laughters and cheers. i started to get along with the girls and you know, get in the mood slowly. And i started to feel the warmth of Tasha, silently invitating to her intimate space. At a glance, i just knew that somehow the feelings were still there.
But none of us spoke anything about it. Some things are better left unspoken.
Ipoh to UTP seems to be so long, but still i wish it to be longer. I never bring Tasha for dinner before, and i felt guilty for not doing those sweet and nice stuffs that i supposed to do when i with her before. None of us four did really talk, and the journey came out to be the most silent ever. But from the reflection from the street lights, i could see Tasha smiled. The smile which i missed all these times. And i was somehow happy to see it.
She was happy.
Time to say goodbye though. I dropped Tasha at Ruby, and the three girls hugged each other saying goodbyes and take care and all. I leaned over by my car and watched them over. Some sort of feelings catched me and i started to rumble inside. The impersonating enigma of love that was never there striked me. I was thundered with a lot of things, and it all ended when i shaked her hand for the last time. Tomorrow, she will never be there anymore. And fuck Im gonna miss her a lot.
I took a glance at her while she walked back to her room. And we're off to where i belong, each and every of us.
I dropped Aesha off at V3, and i parked by the road at V5 before walking Dina back to her lair. All the way she said that Tasha was one babe that was worth befriend with. I have to admit it though, since Tasha is still my bst girlfriend ever up to this day. None of the others can match her beauty, internally and externally.
"But some things are just not meant to be, Jack," Dina said in small voice but i knew she meant it.
I walked back to my block using the pavement walkway by the road. I took a look at the stars and i remember this song of Disagree. With a crying heart i sang it out loud:
And if she doesnt go your way
Look up to blue skies and say hey
It's okay. It's okay.
Good night Tasha.
It's kinda quiet around here tonight. It is only 12 but the whole place turns out to be an abandoned sleepy hollow. I am tired though after an all day trip to life, but somehow these two sparrow eyes are still up and running in fresh.
And so I am sitting here with this mug of hot plain nescafe gold in front of me, enjoying the scenery at the outside from m dark empty room. No stars, no moon. No nothing. Just black sky that covers us from the incoming space light beams. There is something wrong. There must be. The place is too quiet, and that the stars are no more there in the sky, nor the moon as well. As if there is sorrow inside the atmosphere. Sadness, a melancholic sadness that is putting me down from almost everything.
It's not easy to be one self here on earth. People can sometime look at you up, and someone they look down on you. They cheer you up, and they push you down to ground zero. You enjoy your success in only a small portion of time, and you cry out every and each of your miseries most of the time. It's a total bullshit that actually someone lives in such a way of life, that he or she is happy all the time. There must be a time where your heart breaks into pieces no other glue can stick them back together. And there must be a time you let your tears flow down slowly on your weak cheek, while you sit and hold to yourself in the dark corner of your life, lifelessly.
And there is always a time where everything does not even go the way it is supposed to be.
"Never, Jack, to let anything holding you back from your life. Never."
I am one of the important member of a new-established engineering team here in UTP. Well, quite important to the community though. See, if we talk about all these top positions in an organization, we always go away thinking about the benefits we get from being one. Talk about the fame, talk about the power, talk about the fortune, talk about the success, talk about respect and everything. We usually look up to eagles in the sky, for that they can fly and literally conquer one of a place no other birds can enter. The same goes with authorities; we look high to people with power. And so we respect them for that, as well as to condemn every and each of their actions past everything.
" It's not always easy to be a leader. But you could be one only if you try hard enough."
Apart from all the power from being a leader, and all the fame and the influence one shall shower to everyone, there would always be a time when some people try to push you down. No matter what, by hook or by crook, this people will just demotivate you, making fool of you in front of your people, making you feel so God damn bad that you actually want to just give up and fuck everything else. The motive is always unclear; whether these people in particular want to bring you down because they are jealous of you, or because they don't get to be like you, or it is in their nature that they are so miserable in life that they start to make others become like them. And some would just take it personal that they actually threat you with everything you have: your loved ones, your positions, and even your life.
And the pressure is Godlike. The pressure of being a leader is so big and strong, it comes to you like neverending tsunamis, washing you over and over until you are buried in the rubble of the house you own for yourself. And there is always people who likes to see you go down with it. Pathetic, it is but it always about politics. Head down to the earthly ground, or up high to the blue skies? It does not even be a matter, since the only matter is who'd be the player. Bend the rules, create new ones, and get ready for other incoming waves that will bend yours. That's how the game is played, always. This dirty game of hatred and lies, more the tears of sadness rather than smiles to the blue skies.
And i always try to be stronger than anybody else. And I am now.
So when will you?
Monday, May 15, 2006
Heavy drops of water from the sky bring me life once again. The chilly feeling as the flow runs between my hair refreshes everything inside my mind. I just wanna get the hell out from this ring of intellectuals, the ring of the human gods of engineering. I can't go on like this anymore; or else I'd be killed by the uprising pressure building between my shoulder sooner or later on.
Life in Robocon is kinda tough these days, especially when I need to involve in academic activities while in the same time fabricating the prototype of the robots as well. All of my fellow mates have been working damn hard these days and somehow i must say that the spirit is still strong and the surprise factor is still at stake at the maximum level. They just dont know how to give up. Days to days we combine power and strength to overcome the difficulties we face all along the way, together as a team.
But somehow it rains today.
As i lock the doors of the massive laboratory building formerly known as Block N, i can hear the tapping sounds from the extensive fibreglass roof above me, giving me signs that the gift from the sky has come to bring tears and joy to the earthlings. Once all doors are locked, i went to the parking space near the test room where i parked my car earlier just before the rain gets heavy. I throw my mobile and my keys inside the car, and with a small glance to the sky i can see sparkles of pearls shooting at me at free fall velocity. And that is when i really feel free and joyful as those liquid pearls hit me everywhere.
I am rejoiced.
Two hands up as the rain gets heavier. Face up to the sky and smiles are curved between my weak lips. A small sigh of joy comes out slowly from my dry throat, a sign to show how grateful I am to Lord for His gift today. Let free of all the miseries. Let free of all the sadness. Let go of all the loneliness and sorrow, since today I am surrounded by thousands of 'life particles' that heal everything that is on their path to earth. I grin with my eyes closed tightly and i feel like a free man once again.
Thank you Lord, thank you.
A man like me is treated differently for being different than others, I am one of the minorities who receive sceptical looks from people who think they are more superior by having tons of complex humans around them. People who think they are smart enough by having lots of friends who end up being useless to them. Yes, i might have friends that i can count using my own fingers and toes, but these friends whom i keep for life are the best among everyones. The people who stick with me no matter what. The friends that i have are the ones whom i trust and i care all along, together with their respects and brothership. Probably some of few who know me by my full name.
It's kinda funny to hear how some people ended up creating stories about me. They looked at me, make simple (when i say simple, i am referring to infant level thinking ability, which is idiocy) judgment and start to create turbulence in my life. They talk about what i wear, about the car i drive, the way i talk, the way i behave and what i do everyday. As if I am a rock star or something, you know. I dont really get it why, but it's not those criterias that matter most; except me as a human being. That is why when i say, "He is my friend," I mean it, since that a friend have nothing towards you; not the clothes, the car, the perfume, not even everything.
If you don't like my Bolzano, then maybe you can come out with something better, or can't you? Together it goes to my Nike or anything. Back in my hometown, nobody gives a damn about what you wear or what you drive; they're just too busy to get along with those small details. But in here, it is different. People are busy finding one's flaw to laugh or play about.
Well..sometimes people are so miserable that they actually start to make other people lives become miserable as well.
The only reason why I am still awake at this hour is just that something came across my mind just now. Something that i have considered to be quite worth thinking of.
Sometimes it is quite hard for us to look at someones' success, while us keep on losing opportunities. We may blame it on luck though, but till when can we stand the luck-to-be-blamed thingy until we finally realize that we are actually the only reason why luck can never be on our side? This time, as usual, we take one small glance at losing a partner in love.
So, what's so hard about girls?
Oh yes, girls are complicated these days. Especially when we start to have Benz and Beemers on our roads, styling clothes and many other expensive yet so complicated things that breed in such a great way they mutanized themselves twice their numbers each day. All around we can see great men in big cars, big houses and nice Bolzano suits with of course, a beauty who always be on their sides each time. We can say that rich bastards always win everything, but why? Is that about the charm, or everlasting love they can provide, their success or just about the money?
And so it happens that one might have just lost their loved ones to the one who drive a Benzie or Beemers, and the way this poor man takes it is always disastrous. Not to say that being materialistic is an offence, but there must be a reason why the girl leaves the man who loves her so much, practically.
Say, who will choose a man without a future over something we call love? Love is not that godlike these days, since money is more important than to get a happy life.
Losing a partner over this kind of hectic situation sometimes create small turbulence in life. Bereavement is among the most difficult experiences one can undergo; a welter of emotion once he loses a partner can be overwhelming, including despair, confusion, sadness, guilt, disbelief and anger as well as pain at the loss. Might one wonder how to carry on with life, with emotional rug be pulled out from under you, leaving the helpless you wondering how to go on.
Aside from day to day practicalities, you will also have to deal with the most significant long-term period effect of losing a partner - loneliness. Isolations might can just put you into troubles, especially when you start to sit on your bed thinking what the hell had happened to my life? There comes the beauty of thinking; the more you think, the more you start to act differently, come to a point where you emotional thought takes over everything while your rationalities sink slowly beneath the cracks of your broken heart. Then, that is when one might just awake the sleeping giant inside and run amok, over something that we call love.
Funny, isn't it, to see how love can lead to hatred and destructions. So, why love?
Some says that love is just a feeling. How sure you are about that? Is it just plain old feeling, or it starts to acimilate with great power one can posses, the filthy wealth than can buy the world, and the outstanding physical appearances of a man who make everyone falls in love with him? Now think again, be it only plain love, or is it with some impure essences that actually guide your love upon someone?
Love? My ass.
i dont know what you like to wear.
i dont know how you tie your hair to class,
i dont know you were even there.
i dont know the things that you do,
and i dont know how you look at life.
i dont know where you have been,
everyday from early eight up to five.
i never appreciate my friends,
i never appreciate you.
all that i do everytime is to complain
whining why my life was so in blue.
i never stare at you with my eyes
nor i ever smile at you in such a sweet way
but all i do is to stare at everyone else
making you down deep in decay
i never appreciate everything around me
i always keep them apart
i never see them through all along
be it in my eyes or even in my heart
i dont know how to please you
i swear to God if i only knew
i will make you the happiest person in this world
i give u love, let alone those golds and glaring pearl
i dont know you, no really i dont
but i am willing to learn about you somehow i do
from everything inside to the outside of you
from back then all along to the present you
when you came to my life, i was just a stupid boy
mind not at state, i acted like a water buoy
take a look at me now sayang, im someone new
for that i changed a lot, i changed because of you
you wanted me to appreciate God all along
I swear to you baby, i certainly do
when you asked of what would be my priority in life
be them My Lord, myself, my family and of course you
you wonder about what i want in life
even when i say it is always you
you doubt me in every single way
i tried to explain, i even gave you that clue
but you never understand it my dear
instead you leave me alone, not knowing what to do
i went out with that girl
i went out with that one too
but dear, have you ever realized
that always i come back to you?
i wanted to say im sorry
i wanted to say please forgive me
i wanted to show you how much i care
i dont give a damn if it is my heart you need to tear
yes oh yes it is true that
i never try to communicate with you my dear
just that im such a super dumb bloke
too superior yet im too inferior
i have made you cried in front of me
i even made you down
yet i never cry in front of you
or cheer you up, or be your forever clown
i love you since back then
i even love you now
wanted to tell you i love you so much
but i just dont know the way how
i wanted you so badly my dear
i wish you were mine, oh yes it's true
but to see you in somebody's arm everytime
i told to myself this one line, it's nothing new
it's okay, someday maybe we'll be together
together me and you.
im sorry sayang, but i need to go
nothing is with me now, only your perfume still on my nose
for that now im down all around, oh yes i do
as you wish dear, i will walk away from you
dont cry sayang, i hate to see those tears
it hurts me a lot when i cant even offer you comfort
i dont know how to kiss, i dont know how to love
and you know it well, i just know how to hurt
goodbye my lover goodbye my soul
i have told you everything, nothing left untold
my wasted heart will always love you dear
and i always wait for you, nowhere else but here
Dedicated to you, obviously. Thanx dude. At least i have something to cry my head off about tonite.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
I have fell in love with many women; some of them were the petite ones, some of them were the average. And all these times i was just tested with my gifted abilities: my words and my charm.
But still im a disaster with women around me.
Past experiences taught me to be very careful. One single mistake and that's it, Im gonna be gone for good. I always keep that thought in mind, only that I've forgot about it few days back. Im not sure how i would love to describe about it here, but i better put it this way: It was a total disaster.
To fall in love is one thing. To kill it without mercy is another, but both bring the same perspective and complexions: hurtful.
So, what's the story like, this time? Meet a girl, get to know her, fall in love, get rejected in the end? Some sort. Well, what else? Same plot, same episode, same prologue and epilogue.
Lets talk about this lady. She came into my life a few weeks back. One of a writer I was back then and still, I write to make people know and feel of what I know and I feel. I write in many sites, and she happened to drop into one and start following my writings. Just another reader of mine, i guess.
We did meet though. Just an average girl physically, actually. But it wasn't her physical that I am interested most, it was the perplexion of beauty that she actually emits from her inner heart. Kindness, love, admiration, bitter and sweet blends together to create a woman like her. And so this boy was hooked up with another episode of life journey, in search for the right one, with one hell of a lady he calls her 'Angel'.
Sinful. How I wish to have this lady in my life. Her hazel choc eyes made me trembling whenever she digs inside black jet mine. With her i feel pleasure. I feel rejoice. I feel love. I feel complete.
Yes. I fall for her this time. Nice trap anyway.
But whatever. I still dont have the balls to actually confess, quite literally. It's hard you know, really. I wanna keep her around without telling her my feelings, coz i know exactly what will happen if i make a confession.
Things wont be the same again after that, i surely aware of this.
So what should i do? Im trapped in my own plan. Confused. Fifty-fifty outcome. Good or bad, i dont know. Higher chances that i might be rejected as always, and I just knew it. But how long will this relationship lasts if i dont make the first attempt? Or shouldnt I?
Will she ever get tired of me? Get bored? Well of course. She is now, i guess.
I somehow, idiotically, made her mad at me just now. I dunno. Im just plain stupid i guess. No, I am one actually. I dont know how to show love. I dont know how to assure her. In the end im like other losers, miserable and helpless.
I've contacted her, but she didnt reply. I guess this is it, maybe. Im just so sorry of what i've done. I didnt mean it. I was just missing you as always, it hurt me a lot just to think of you whenever ur not around. Im so sorry.
Still i miss her now.
"Make my day, dear"
Im just an idiot.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
I spent most of the time of the day in the workshop. Well, my supervisor called me in the morning while i was still in bed sleeping. Slept late last night, thanx to this hectic life of mine.
(I just cant stop writing)
So i woke up, a bit pissed since i was lack of sleep since then. He kept on calling, and he made me got up from bed and kicked my own ass to gain conciousness. Gosh i was so furious when he said this:
" Now you better get here quick. We need some couplings to be done today, you see?"
I walked down the aisle (after i took my shower and everything) with my morning strength, slowly making my way to the workshop at block 21. All along i could see many people; guys and girls, some were still with their morning sickness signs on their faces, while some others were laughing and smiling happily. And so i felt the charm of life had already striked its possession. Love is in the air.
Walking down the road to Pocket D, the greens that surrounded me brings some fresh sensation. The birds sang and the clouds lapped open wide. What a wonderful day, very.
"Early this morning, young man? Have you taken your breakfast?" Yes and no, sir. Im early because u wanted me to be, and i didnt take my breakfast because you wanted me to be as well. The couplings, remember?
Without any words, i gave him a smile and started off with my work. i have this problem of being grumpy whenever Im hungry or sleepy. I just walked to my workplace and I could smell the bizarre liquid coolant all around the heavy machineries section, the smell i have missed for quite some time. I grab an apron and a goggle, applying them all around my body, and started warming up the lathe machine.
Couplings. I just love couplings. This innovation couples two different things together, thats why they call it couplings or couplers. But to manufacture one, is a big headache.
"Good morning, baby."
See, i have this attitude of calling other non-living things as baby, darling, sweetheart or anthing that shows love, you know. It's just an attitude of appreciation, i guess.
I put the aluminium block into the machine arm, turn the spindle and switch on the power. And the block rotated at 3000 revolution per minute, creating turbulence air all around it. Slowly i placed the diamond edge cutter and applied it onto the block.
It took me a lot of time, though.
I saw the block spinning. it spun and spun and spun. but the cutting wasn't so nice, as if im forgetting something i should do before i actually cut the workpiece. It was the coolant cum lubricant.
I turned on the coolant flow button and white coolant liquid slowly flew down the stroke tube and onto the block. This time, shiny surface was created on the block piece, as well as on my smiles too.
And so, i learned something.
This piece rotates. Life rotates. This aluminium is hard, and so is life. The cutter makes this aluminium goes into shape like us putting effort into our own life for some shape. But sometimes we push just too hard that we actually destroying life, the barrier, resulting some spectacular tragedies in life, just like how this diamond cutter cut the alloy block without coolant applied onto it. The block becomes unnecessarily ugly and uneven. It needs coolant. Life needs coolant too.
We need to cool down sometime, because to overcome rotating wheel of life, is not that easy after all.
I finished off my workpiece and it looked great. Shining, up to desired dimension. See, if u know how to design life, we can actually create a wonderful one. and when the wheel stops rotating, people will see, owh look what he had done with his life, truly marvellous!
Yes, that is only when the wheel stops rotating. When the soul is separated, departed from the heart.
So, it is a good lesson after all. I looked at my workpiece and i smiled in proud. I have done a good thing today. It might not be much, but it is enough for me. Apart from my grumpy attitude this morning, i should actually thank my supervisor for having me here to earn this lesson.
I turned around just to see him there, standing and looking at me with that smile on his face.
"Let's go for lunch, shall we? It's on me" he said.
See? What if i actually lose my temper on him this morning over waking me up and preventing me from having my breakfast? It's good to be cool anyway!