Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Blood Messenger

Things are better left unspoken.

It was raining the whole evening. The day seems to be quite slow. Nothing was done today, except listening to the bloody Ten2five 'You'. Well, maybe the song suit me today. I could barely see the sun outside. Atmosphere was cold, and somehow I am sick of the world today. Lifeless like always, but worst.

I had a small fight with a girl today. Quite big for beginners actually. I dont know what went wrong, but well, things always came up my way.

She claimed that i showed her no mercy. I lost it upon her. Or something like that. I was sad though, and i ended up lying on my bed, thinking over it. But things did not turn out right and so i confronted her digitally to know what was actually coming out wrong.

We talked though. We talked and we talked and we talked, but it seem that she was upset with me over something. I tried to dig things up but she resisted the effort i showed. In the end, I sat on my chair waiting for her reply.

But there was no reply at all. Bloody messenger.

I and her, both of us are getting close together. We exchange thoughts and laughs. We spent time on dinner and suppers. We went to the mall together. We called each other. We used to be that, but not now. But i know i still care for her. I have to admit though, that she always raise my temper with her foolishness that occurs sometimes in her actions. But i dont get mad out of any reason. I get mad because i care. I dont want her to repeat the same mistakes she's been doing over and over again.

But she never take a chance to understand.

Never she can accept me as one of the precious men in her life. Who am I in the first place? I am no one at all. I don't have a promising life yet, let alone the richness and manners. But i never hesitate to learn all that. She was the one who told me that it's okay to breath again in this life of fears. She pulled me up again into my glory times. Im even successful now, compared to the old me back then. It is not that cool to say that i actually changed for a woman, but I did. I did all along, to impress her how i can ace my life.

But this sparrow was never seen by her two violet eyes. I mean, who would love a sparrow anyway?

Mom has been asking me few times about my status. Well, blame that on my bloody little brother who has damn sweet and gorgeous beauties as his girlfriends. Yes, beauties, and many of 'em. Does that make me a loser in your eyes, mom? I know she was just worried since that I only spend my time over my electronic projects and my idiotic-insane apological novel writings and bloggings and forumings. She's an old woman now, 55 of age old. Well..maybe that she just wanted a girl in her life since what she has are only two boys in the family.

I'm sick of love songs nowadays.

Sometimes I took it personally when i failed the second attempt in anything. It's hard to be a perfectionist, that is. But this girl i fought with just now made up my day whenever i was all down to earth back then in the younger days. It was fun to have her though, since that she never gives a damn about what i am all about. She was a friend that i want all these time. To lose her, is to lose myself. Came a point this little heart of a sparrow healed itself, thanx to her sweet smiles.

But what could a sparrow like me do? I can only see that smiles faded away with tons of miseries.

She said i never give a single shit to herself.

Only if she knew that when she was happy with her friends and left me alone at a side, I still kept my track with her of how she was doing and how was she all around through, even when she did not.

If only she knew that when she was down with tears when anything happened to her, i was down with tears too.

Only if she knew that when she was mad or had no mood at all, i still gave calls to ask about her, even when she did not bother about me at all. is hard to be a fool in love.

To me, she was a white rose.

' A sparrow was once in love with a white rose. One find day this sparrow proposed the white rose, only to be told that only when the white rose turns red, the rose will love him.

Sparrow tare his body and slowly spreaded his blood on the white rose and the rose turned red. When the last shed of the sparrow's blood was on her, the rose fell in love with him, only to see that the Sparrow is no more but a dead body in front of her.

She cried over and over but her colour grew more reddish, without her realizing that Sparrow was with her all along spreading his living blood over her all around.

She can never realize it, because for her the blood was just blood while the Sparrow was already in heaven up above.

But for Sparrow, his blood was never his. The blood, was of love.'

Am I a love fool?

We met just now only to sort things out. Her face faded away with tears, that blue black signs under her chocmalt eyes told me that she's been crying a lot. I pulled her over to a bench and we started talking.

No, actually i was the only one talking.

Goddammit i missed those smiles, really. Well, luckily she did talk a bit, and then a lot. Back to the usual girl i know. Got beaten once or twice, but it was really worthy. I let her beat me up, and we both ended up in laughter.

She's just special.

One and a half hours of talking. We talked a bout life, bout consequences of things, bout everything. And there it goes again; that smile i have been craving for some times. Exactly like the way i wish it to look like. I sent her home, and there we go again, folks. Two, men and women, experiencing things we call affections.

"Im stuck in you."

I miss her now. Talk, you bloody messenger!


Hani said...

glad dat ur happy!

pray dat shes just the rite millia yasmin uv been hunting for. =)

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...


someone's gonna strangle

f00 said...

gembiranya hidup dari dalam mata seekor burung ya.

mereka kata chaiyok. entah dari mana.

Hani said...

/me slep jeksepero

u beter stori me bout dis aaa...


Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...


Hani said...

eee jual mahal


-away:majuk ngn jeksepero-

Anonymous said...

peculiar indeed..very peculiar..

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

exactly, dear arif. now why would i feel calm when i said ur name a few times a\earlier, arif? shud i feel quite the reverse? or shud you be reversed?


Anonymous said...

hi jack ..
thinker n dedicated
mcm testimonial lak .. hehe