Friday, May 19, 2006

Gila dan Sepi

So here I am again on this chair of faith, looking up to dark skies up above, expecting moon and some stars to actually show up. But as usual, none of them really wanna show off the day. Some sort of technical problems with the lightings, i guess.

The coffee here on my table is the seventh cup through the day, just out from the coffee maker sited next to my computer. The aroma sprungs my nose as the dark-choc color of the ground beans melted away along with the draining water. Spaniard Libraca and Javanese Black. Sounds like a ferrari to coffee junkies who know their coffees well.

Let's talk about loneliness.

Oh i have gone a long way of a lonely life. Lonely is when you dont have anyone that goes along with you, or actually be there for you when you need them the most (well that's what i can think about it anyway). Simply is that you dont have anyone to pull you out of shits you have been digging out from everyday.

And loneliness always come together with sadness and sorrow. The pain. The ignorance. The unbeatable monster of emotions that hits you everytime with his bold hand, crushing your ego and pride and dignity and confidence all along. And then you will start to feel hopeless, start to feel sad all the time; simply down. And then hatred starts to take over you, and all you feel inside is sadness; cold as ice and anger; burning anger of hatred.

And here I am, in hatred. Of love.

Sitting on the ledge of this 3rd floor apartment I am left broken in a million pieces. My heart bleeds from a thousand stab wound inflicted by that thing they call love. Down below in my eyes i can see cast iron steel garden poles protruding skywards. Its sharp rusty points seem to be urging me to jump onto them.

"Come join us. It wont be painful anymore",

Those sharp points seem to be talking to me, inviting me to the endless world. Sharp and strong, those poles are hidden behind the glistening road lights, like gream rippers. It would be a quick death when those poles entered your skull when you fall onto them, just like how you push those sticks into a bunch of meatballs to make those sate. But let's just say that i dont want my face and body to actually be torn apart from each other, neither i wanna be buried along with a garden pole inside my crunched bones.

So lonely.

Thank God i have Jenny by my side. Although she just came into my life, she'd always be my best lady. To serve a man whenever he wants to be served; she does that. Hugs and kisses for her, lovely lady of mine. And owh i just love how she shrieks and sounds when i touch those hotspots on her with her body in my lap, my hands on her neck and eyes on her lady lumps.

"Who the fuck is that?" No one. Just my guitar.

Calling all angels. Help me through. This loneliness is killing me deep inside. Slowly I dance my fingers on those strings, producing those sounds that hit my ear drums like enormous lightnings. Hell i dont even know what am I trying to play but i just play it out loud. Like a man.

Because she always wants me to be what men are supposed to be.

And here's another story of her, another newcomer.

This lovely lady, ahh, i just dont know how to describe her. She's just that; lovely. But sometimes she's just being so pessimist about me. I dont know why but sometimes she feels bad for being herself to me. She's doing fine tho, just that i dont really kow how to tell her those facts. She pulls over everytime, and she's inferior about herself. Women, obviously.

But the thing is, dear, being a honey you are doing great. Just that it would be better if you can be sweeter and sweeter.

Quoting myself in a forum recently:

"So, why love? if to love is to make some other people happy, then that's charity. not love.

arent you people fight for love? so i've heard.

to love is to benefit. it's like business, you know. both parties expect a lot.

to let her go is to miss an opportunity. wasted. another address be crossed over inside the little black book.

if to love is to benefit others, then we can start opening a charity store, where we love our crush for loving other men.

isnt that gonna be perfect?"

lelakikah aku kerana menangis kerana perempuan?

baculkah aku kerana menagih kasih seorang perempuan?

lemahkah aku kerana jatuh dek penangan seorang perempuan?

bodohkah aku kerana dipermainkan perempuan?

tumpaskah aku di tangan seorang perempuan?

akukah aku kerana perempuan?

Aku cuma pipit yang gila dan sepi.


Confessions Of A Female Cryptic Mind said...


auwww this is a nice entry :D

To Love to welcome another person in your life to a place where its used to be only you in it.

To Love is to share everything with that person.

To love is to make sure the other person is rarely with tears and if he/she is, its with happiness.

Love holds such a magnanimous and brilliant entity in life. Yet the fact that you can only love ONE person at a time makes it even beautiful.

Wait, pray and hope for it.

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

haha...well...i should've known about it. maybe it's just that i cant love well.