Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Leading Life

It's kinda quiet around here tonight. It is only 12 but the whole place turns out to be an abandoned sleepy hollow. I am tired though after an all day trip to life, but somehow these two sparrow eyes are still up and running in fresh.

And so I am sitting here with this mug of hot plain nescafe gold in front of me, enjoying the scenery at the outside from m dark empty room. No stars, no moon. No nothing. Just black sky that covers us from the incoming space light beams. There is something wrong. There must be. The place is too quiet, and that the stars are no more there in the sky, nor the moon as well. As if there is sorrow inside the atmosphere. Sadness, a melancholic sadness that is putting me down from almost everything.

It's not easy to be one self here on earth. People can sometime look at you up, and someone they look down on you. They cheer you up, and they push you down to ground zero. You enjoy your success in only a small portion of time, and you cry out every and each of your miseries most of the time. It's a total bullshit that actually someone lives in such a way of life, that he or she is happy all the time. There must be a time where your heart breaks into pieces no other glue can stick them back together. And there must be a time you let your tears flow down slowly on your weak cheek, while you sit and hold to yourself in the dark corner of your life, lifelessly.

And there is always a time where everything does not even go the way it is supposed to be.

"Never, Jack, to let anything holding you back from your life. Never."

I am one of the important member of a new-established engineering team here in UTP. Well, quite important to the community though. See, if we talk about all these top positions in an organization, we always go away thinking about the benefits we get from being one. Talk about the fame, talk about the power, talk about the fortune, talk about the success, talk about respect and everything. We usually look up to eagles in the sky, for that they can fly and literally conquer one of a place no other birds can enter. The same goes with authorities; we look high to people with power. And so we respect them for that, as well as to condemn every and each of their actions past everything.

" It's not always easy to be a leader. But you could be one only if you try hard enough."

Apart from all the power from being a leader, and all the fame and the influence one shall shower to everyone, there would always be a time when some people try to push you down. No matter what, by hook or by crook, this people will just demotivate you, making fool of you in front of your people, making you feel so God damn bad that you actually want to just give up and fuck everything else. The motive is always unclear; whether these people in particular want to bring you down because they are jealous of you, or because they don't get to be like you, or it is in their nature that they are so miserable in life that they start to make others become like them. And some would just take it personal that they actually threat you with everything you have: your loved ones, your positions, and even your life.

And the pressure is Godlike. The pressure of being a leader is so big and strong, it comes to you like neverending tsunamis, washing you over and over until you are buried in the rubble of the house you own for yourself. And there is always people who likes to see you go down with it. Pathetic, it is but it always about politics. Head down to the earthly ground, or up high to the blue skies? It does not even be a matter, since the only matter is who'd be the player. Bend the rules, create new ones, and get ready for other incoming waves that will bend yours. That's how the game is played, always. This dirty game of hatred and lies, more the tears of sadness rather than smiles to the blue skies.

And i always try to be stronger than anybody else. And I am now.

So when will you?

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