Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Love? What Love?

the past three weeks or so has left me feeling so tired. parents, work, restriction, lack of sleep, school, dealing with new things, recording, going out with friends, enjoying too much, in addition to feeling emotional, stressed and tense. i haven't been treating myself too well and i'm feeling the effects of the physical, mental and emotional strain. my body isn't behaving as well as it should. my thoughts are dulled and lethargic and every day is an emotional rollercoaster. happy, sad, depressed, ecstatic, laughing, despair, carefree, melancholic...

i realise i haven't cooked a meal for myself in a long time and i wonder what i've been feeding my body all this while besides the familiar poison in increasing quantities. i know it doesn't help but i still end up wanting to numb my senses to escape from myself and the way i end up feeling. this week it's been even worse than before. i can't remember a single day without it. i really need to control myself before it gets out of hand. i'm sure it's affecting everything.

then people ask me about it and i try to brush it off like i'm dealing with it just fine. but no. i'm sure they can see it in my eyes. i get so conscious about it. i can see it in their faces. they know how i feel. they can see it swirling around deep in my eyes. the vacant stare that confesses my sadness. pupils blacker than black. eyes glistening even in darkness. coated in liquid.

i stop to assess myself. nothing changed. i don't know what to do about it. pushing and pulling, i'm torn. i know what i could do to feel better, but i don't really want to do it. because it might affect others too. i scratch my head and try to think what i could do that i'm not already doing and come up with nothing. no answers. how long will i live like this? something has to happen. i don't think i even know yet what lengths i would go to for it. there's some proof already. but i'm letting it be because i know all i can do now is destroy. nothing helpful. i'm already in love.

i wanted to be there. maybe not physically. just knowing that someone was there for her, to listen to her, to support her, to push her forward in the direction she knows she wants to head towards but just feeling too afraid and insecure at times. to be her best friend and defender no matter what she does. asking the right questions at the right times. the constant in a world where things are changing so drastically and quickly that we find it hard to trust anymore.

but sometimes i felt confused. like i was being pushed away. i thought that, yes, it was good that people have their own little space and life that they can keep for themselves. some sort of independence. so i let it be. i ask myself all the usual questions about what if i did it differently. what if i didn't accept it. what if i showed the more fearsome side of me. the fire that rarely burns out of control. the one i conceal so well. and i feel like engulfing her in those flames. not to harm. a wall of fire. consuming everything that brings harm.

i need new shoes. mine don't fit too well anymore. they're quite worn. peeling off in places. used and abused everyday as i walk for miles and miles. taken all over the world. mostly reliable. but i need to change them because they hurt my feet now. if i don't it might hurt me terribly. it will be sad to see them go. unused. so many memories strangely attached to them. tagged onto the laces. dragging along on the ground behind me. when i bought them i was told that not many of my kind liked them very much. it felt unique and different. just a simple pair of shoes. nothing fancy. not too costly. i looked around briefly. nothing i seem to really like. nothing particularly cheap either. i have to keep looking. my shoes are stained. different shade from when they were new. barely ever cleaned. grimy, dirty, grubby. hmm. is it possible to get myself a new heart along with my shoes? tonight my heart is a rotting fruit.

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