Tuesday, May 23, 2006

What The Fuck?

A lot of what I've heard lately has been peppered with "forgiveness", "bitterness", "grudge", "temporary", "rise above". It's funny because I've spent my entire life "rising above" the things done to me. If I didn't, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere in life. I had good times living under my parents' roof, with a lot of baby treatment from my mother heavily sprinkled in. Not just the physical stuff, but constant teasing about the things that make me me.

I've been through some rough times lately, but that does not mean that I need to focus on the temporariness of the situation and of the emotions. If you subscribe to that sort of thought, you must subscribe to it for all situations and emotions. I prefer to wallow in my good. It's important to experience all emotions completely and thoroughly. You feel for a reason.

I spent a lot of time in my early 20s dealing with "friends issues" and moving past them. The closer I get to taking on a new role in life (friends, foe, etc.), while not imminent, the more the issues have creeped back up into my life. I have to remind myself what not to be. That does not mean I am being bitter and unforgiving.

I don't hate anyone. Shit, I don't even hate Phoney Friends and Butt monkey. I feel sorry for 'em. Well maybe I could not even learn the fundamentals about how to treat people. I couldn't grasp the fact that no human being should be struck. Playfighting, horsing around, slapping someone on the arm, that's one thing. Punching someone, smacking them in the mouth is another. Well MAYBE I didn't get it.

I don't hate my friends, the family. I just don't really like them right now. I don't hate them. I hate the situation I'm in. It would take more energy than I have right now to sit around hating anyone or holding grudges. I have my own best interests at heart for a change. And what I need to do is get my shit straight and figure out what I want to do with myself.

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