Friday, October 17, 2008

Of Being Upset

I had a cut between my fingers. I don't even remember when I got that cut between my fingers.

Life is just full with surprises.


It felt terrible. A cut; shallow but poisonously sharp, penetrating far past the skin layer deep into the reddish flesh. Adrenaline rushes, gushing through the blood stream, pushing tears of maroon fluid through the fine opening. And the beating pain keeps on.

Looking at the trail of blood flowing slowly down my arm towards gravity calms me down. I feel closer to God. I feel His presence.

There were not many days I happened to lose my confidence.

I was thinking: How do you fulfill the needs of your loved ones, when all that you have are old crumbs and dusts in your empty pockets?

How do you fulfill the needs of your loved ones, when all your daily doings are working your ass out for a cheap bowl of cold, overcooked rice?

How do you fulfill the needs of your loved ones, when you cannot even buy them chocolate and roses?

How do you fulfill the needs of your loved ones, when all that you could offer is your endless love but nothing of shelter, of pretty ride, and of comfortable life?

How do you fulfill the needs of your loved ones, when your daily work only make you a penny or two, just enough to survive till dawn appears, when you need to work again?

How do you fulfill the needs of your loved ones, when you look at your money jar you have been saving for better future can hardly buy anything your loved one wants?

How do you deal with the frustrations, when you cannot fulfill the needs of your loved ones?

When I thought of all these, they got to my manly tears that conveyed my frustrations, my disappointments, my sadness and my anger towards life. About how life has treated me so far. About how sickening life has been since the last time I gave it my respect. About how fucked up life has turned over. Of me being upset over myself for not being able to make ready a lot of things I am pretty sure that many men out there will prepare for the ones they love.

Have you ever been up all night in sadness because you just don't have enough to buy your loved ones some happiness? How fucked up it is, inside of you, the anger banging on each side from within your skull; the frustrations that bite into your liver that you swear you can feel every time the sharp teeth sink into the flesh; the confidence attack that as if life slaps you flat on the ground so flat that you can never ever rise anymore, not in a thousand years or so?

And despite the sweetest thing, I suddenly realize that in this world, love is price-tagged. Sometimes it's presents and roses. Sometimes it is cars. Houses. Luxurious life. Vacations. Posh jeweleries. But if you notice carefully, they all chase down to only one root: money.

All but all that I could have imagined was me starting on living a life with my wife, climbing the mountain together, aiming for the tip of the mountain to look at how beautiful the view of the land from top. Falling rain and crumbling stones; harsh weather at extreme conditions; starvation with no shelter to be safe under, but in the end the sweetest fruit of effort tastes never better. I long for that experience. At least that was how my parents started their move - they climbed together and they fall together.

But I guess the time has changed. It is men who climb the mountain alone and the wife comes in between or at the end of the journey - with a helicopter. Worst, men have to climb to reach them who already are at the peak.

Wives, girlfriend, female lovers: appreciate what your men are. He might not be a rich man to start naming, but he works his ass off every fucking gawd damn day just so you can eat your dinner comfortably while your ass stays put on that expensive couch he bought you on his savings.


I am looking at the wound. It still bleeds. And i feel calmer. Never better.


Unknown said...

yo. thanks 4 dropping by at my blog. just started a month ago. only some of it are my brainchild. most of it i 'cilok' from others, then tukar2 and tambah2 skit. wakaka.

abrak said...

You sure are gone for a very long time. It's good to see you back.

Mrs Camillo said...

=) camera mcm kenal~~ tp tak kenal kot...