Monday, October 13, 2008

The Reason

If I am to write today, I will write for myself.

There were times in life where I found myself completely clueless; looking out through the age-stained mirror on the wall and wonder about many things, but most of the time, nothing at all.

There were times in the past where I found myself cutting my own memories into pieces, only to find that in the end they rearranged themselves back into what they were before perfectly, sometimes beyond perfection. Worst, they improve to be what we used to describe as a tiny burning coal in a silo of haystack. It might burn slowly, but point is in the end the haystack is gone without you knowing. And until it does, per se, you will never realize what you could have missed.

As hard as it is said to be, love could never be as merciful.

How would you feel when the only reason for you to live is the only reason for you to die? What do you do when all you have wanted to see all these times, and you did, but inside an indestructible glass box? You swear you could have seen it shines, could have tasted it and smelled it but point being you can never go beyond that thick glass wall that divides the both of you into two different worlds. All you can do is just looking at it painfully - like watching a stripper from outside her glass cage while she dances her curves around - you can see but you can never hold.

What do you do when the only thing you could have always wanted gives you series of false hopes and intimidating sacrifices as the price? The thing that provokes you to move forward, pushing everything that crosses your way aside, putting an end to every chance of failure only to see that at last never you could have reached it.

Does it matter, or not, to know everything that you have ever wanted, is everything you could never have? Does it matter, or not, to accept every failure en route to a neverending smile, if ever you could reach for one? Does it matter, or not, to love consecutively, unconditionally?

Years. Solid years since I have become a cripple - emotionwise. Years have passed since my heart was unconditionally broken over my unconditional love. Never could i have forgotten nor I could have ever forgiven of what one might describe as sensational torment. Years I have worked myself out in order to face my only mistake and my agony - to fall intimidately in words I swore I would have never believed; into the eyes I swore I would never have trusted; in the woman so demonic I swore I would have never met.

What else would you feel when the only reason for you to let stay, is the only reason for you to let go? Worst, what do you do when the only reason for you to forgive, is the only reason for you to condemn? Even worst, what do you do when the only one that can fix your heart, is the one who broke it?

And to condemn you, I shall do,
For all the pain you’ve walked me through,
Stop telling him your love is on fire
Because you were nothing but just a liar.

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