Friday, December 12, 2008

Saya Penat-lah

You were right. I should have complained less.

Maybe I was just being jealous. Sometimes I am just a kid who envy another kid who owns a bigger candy than I do, even when I know it was from their moms or dads. I envy kids who make frequent trips to expensive candy shops and buy them as easy as letting pee out from the bladder.

Maybe I was just too proud. I cannot accept the fact and the bitter feelings that shake me when I cannot offer to give a candy to a needy kid that is close to me, even though I know I am able to with just a little bit more time. I feel bad. And the pride prevents me to buy any candy that has been bought by those other kids before.

Maybe I was full of hatred. I hate to see other kids toss and throw their candies around. I hate to see other kids spit out candies that they didn't like. I hate to see how easy other kids get to eat expensive candies that I could not afford to buy.

Maybe I was being less grateful. Every day I wish to have a better candy than I do already have now. Like those expensive candies, you know?

Maybe I was just pissed. No matter how I do, I can never buy a better candy. But younger kids can buy a whole load of them. Mommy's treat.

Maybe I was just being cheap. I bought myself the most relevantly affordable candy within my own budget, for the sake of having a candy. But then my candy will never rival their candies.

Maybe I was just being stressed. It is very hard to keep to the standards of other lucky kids. To play along, to be inside the ring of common.

Maybe I was being angry for fighting a losing game. I hate it when they flash their candies around and in front of me.

Maybe I compare too much. I always compare other people's candies, especially the better ones with mine. And I compare other kids pocket money with mine.

Maybe I didn't make much. Maybe I should make more to buy better candies for me and my loved ones.

Maybe I was being less patience. I want the good candies as soon as possible.

Maybe I was pushing too hard. I keep pushing the limit to reach a par point where I can taste what it's like to eat a bigger, better candy. But I can never will. When I reach the bitter truth that I can never compete, it makes me feel awfully bad.

Maybe I was just too tired.

Maybe it is time to let go.

Maybe it is time to fuck it all off.

Fine. Go eat your fucking candies you capitalist pricks. Go to your fucking expensive candy bars and flash your fucking candies to poor kids who can only watch and wish. God bless you all.

1 comment:

yattie nopiah said...

haih..gado ke..