Thursday, January 22, 2009

Between Dirty Greasy Hands and Clean White Coats Part IV

Previous Episode: Nad's death became a tipping point for him, this time for him to fall to either of the sides but to stay on his stands. Emotion began to brew as he faced the saddening news only by himself, together with the dreams he always had trouble with. Will Nad's death changes everything?

* * *

She's gone. And I still couldn't believe it.

I cramped myself inside the small room of mine, hugging my legs at one corner of the room. It was a dark night, and it was raining heavily outside. Nothing lit the room but my old table lamp. Papers and books everywhere, lying on the cold, white marble floor. The cut on my arm finally stopped bleeding. Not far from me were shattered glass from a mug that I hit into a million pieces earlier due to the extremity I had in mind. The wall where I leaned onto was chilly, but I did not really care. I rested my head on it, trying to take my mind off by glazing off into something. My eyes were all swollen and painful every time I blinked, but I never bother to entertain the irritation. And then I saw the computer.

The monitor screen was on, showing off a custom screensaver with dozens of Nad's pictures one after another, continuously. She seemed to be so natural, and she seemed to be so much alive. The way she smiled, the way she looked into the camera when the pictures were taken were as if she was looking at me. Those shiny brown eyes were always full of dreams and hopes. There were then pictures of her in her robe and coat, the clean white coat that I had always wanted to wear instead of my coverall. But I could never will. My hands were dirty. They were greasy.

"They were not greasy, sayang. I'll help you clean them out. You will feel better."

I really wish you were here, Nad.

I wonder how was she doing. She was all alone down there. Would she be fine? It was raining outside. Would she be alright? Sure it was very cold. It is damn dark, and it was sure damn crampy there, six feet down under. Would there be someone to hug her through the night? What if she cries? Would she be able to contact me? Would she miss me? Well I know I did.

And I wepy again that night. For the last time.

Days went by slowly after that, and finally I was in my fourth year in engineering studies. I became somebody else. I didn't talk as much, and I spent most of my time in my small room. I abandoned my studies in medicine, but I never throw the books and journals away. I kept them in two boxes, sealed peacefully. I never open them at all, and I soon forgot about them.

I started to focus into my engineering studies. I started to familiarize myself with engineering terms, and I spent most of my time calculating and predicting. I resorted myself into studying economics and philosophy. I tried hard to distract myself from remembering the catastrophic lost, even when it cost me my only dream. Sure, I never forget Nad in any way, but I did not want to remember her either. So I got myself busy on other things, pushing myself to the limit.

But then I got too busy.

I became a manic. I started losing vast amounts of sleeps. I read twice as more as I did before, sometimes three times. I sometimes skipped my meals, and I smoked heavily. I stayed awake when most of the people in the campus were sleeping, and when they were awake I stayed awake too. All I did was reading and speculating, rationalizing every information that I obtained from the books I read, mostly philosophy. Worst, I started to skip my classes, and I became socially isolated from the outer world.

But I forgot all about Nad. I got what I wanted.

One day when I was reading, I realized that the sentences on the pages of the book were all blurred. I blinked a few times but it didn't change a thing. So I took a look into the mirror on my wardrobe, soon to see that there were bloodshots in my left eye. It was red, and the blood vessels were as if they were embossed from the eye surface. And slowly I took a look again at myself, this time a close one.

I was messy. Long, unmanaged hair. Oily face. Beard all over. My lips were dark and dead. Look at those wrinkles. Look at that sad looking face. I ran my fingers on my face. I ran them along my hard, messy hair. Slowly I realized how spoilt I became. And how ridiculous I look like. What changed me so badly? Was it you Nad?

As I stood in front of the mirror looking into myself, I felt something in my head. It was this pin-and-needle pain poking into my brain. It hurt a little at first, but it grew gradually into a terrible one. I could not feel my legs, and I started to sweat a bit. And I saw how horrified my face was in the mirror. I was pale all over.

I walked out from my room slowly on my numb feet trying to call for help but I couldn't make a sound. I lost vision from my left eye already, and probably soon my right eye. I leaned against the wall and pushed myself forward along the corridor to the nearest room next to mine but I was losing energy fast. I felt so damn tired to walk for even a few more steps. Soon I found myself sitting on my own legs, panting for breath. Sweat flowed into my eyes. It hurt a bit.

Didn't they say that when your life is about to end, your memories flash in front of you?

I pulled up my head and I saw somebody looking and calling at me but I didn't recognize who. Everything was so blurry. The vision went on as if it was in slow motion. I could hear beautiful music. It was rather dramatic than tragic. Slowly the voice faded away and my eyelids were shut. And I curved my lips a little.

Fuck. Is this it? Is this it Nad?

I blacked out.


IRA said...

part V pls!

IRA said...

lupe plak, happy buftday!

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

yay! thanx IRA! :D

someone is addicted to the story i see?

IRA said...

u can say that! hahaha nak avatar comel satu!

Pill Pusher said...

u sure u not married to Tabitha and living in Maine?

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

IRA: bak gamba!

Tranquility: quite unsure of what you're talking about mate.