Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Between Dirty Greasy Hands and Clean White Coats Part III

Previously: He starts all over again on his medicine study and things get out of hand when the love for medicine gradually changes to magical love towards female medical students. Inspired for one, he travels far to undergo his own rehab process in order to deal with his confidence issue, critically compromising his alter-ego who dramatically turns out to be his own self.

* * *

As the medicine study steadily went on well, this developing interests towards young ladies in clean white coats with stethoscopes around their necks troubled me greatly. I could never be able to resist the fancy thoughts of actually being with one, and this had been going on for weeks. As the study turned out to be more and more difficult than the way I personally thought it could ever be since I did not have any proper medicine foundations nor handsomely planned chapter study, I finally suggested to myself that i needed help on it or this thing will never go on.

Which in the end turned out to be a stepping stone for me to get to know a lady from the medical stream.

So this Syarifah Nadiah was from a local institute studying medicine at the time I contacted her via Friendster messaging system. She was not in my friends list (found her by accident) and we have never met each other in person but she was somehow very pleasant and gentle with her words. The way she looked like however, I would not be likely to say she’s gorgeous but anyone with hazelnut-color eyes, long wavy hair and cherry red lips stunned most men just like the way she did me, especially when she wore the clean white coat and her hair softly brushing the coat’s collar. She was indeed an eye candy.

Lets call her Nad.

I started off smoothly in order not to reveal either any of my interests towards medicine or towards her. With carefully arranged words, I sent my electronic notes over to her to draw a bit of her attention. My question was simple: 'How do you deal with flu and fever?'

And within a few hours I received a notification from Friendster via Yahoo Messenger Live Alert informing that a new message had just arrived. And obviously it was from Nad. I was not much of an optimist back then so I checked the message without any hope whatsoever. To me, this could be just another rejection, or some simple 'start to read you moron' types of reply.

The message was somehow very surprising. Apart from the facts on viral flu and common cold that were properly written in simple words and not in the usual technical language, she even asked whether I had them and told me to take care of myself if I did. The fact that she cared differed hers from other replies I received from numerous future doctors; some pasted facts probably copied from a website, some did not even bother to reply, some replied as if they did not want to but they have to in the name of medicine and being nice, and one of them even replied me with ‘Google it’ as the answer for my call.

It is always in the nature of human where they get intimidated with something. This time it was me towards kindness, humility and pretty decent medical student. Further asked why of such reply in order to satisfy my curiosity, she totally cleared it up in a sentence.

"That is how a doctor shall behave. Nice, tolerant, kind, informative, and cute."

And so my hungry heart which was then desperate for a specific knowledge and as well the need of a company after so long of intense spouse deprivation, I proceeded to get to know her better. And everything she did made my love sprouted rapidly, rooting into my veins like dye does to a cup of water. The sensational feelings when i read her messages and the signs of acute syndrome while waiting for her reply clearly explained my state of behavior that time. I was love sick. It was madness, going on for nearly three months.

Oh I had never felt better.

We started to chat and later talked on the phone. We laughed and we listened to each other. Sometimes we texted each other until one of us fell asleep. Sometimes we woke each other up and changed good morning. Sometimes we checked each other during class time and at other times too. Sometime we miss-called each other and hung up when the call was answered. Sometimes we even kissed each other; I sent her the word ‘lips’ over the phone and she replied with ‘on cheeks on nose and on my forehead, do it now or you’ll be dead!"

But I sensed that there was something wrong with this lady.

She constantly refused to talk about her future and avoided any conversation about it. Neither too on family, love, relationships and many other personal things even though we were already working for a relationship to come. Having my curiosity buckled up fast, I further bombarded her with questions related to the topics, only to find her getting upset with me. Surprisingly she never left me at all, but continuously feeding me with endless information I needed, sometimes even stuffs that I did not.

But we argued a lot on the phone on the same issue most of the time.

It was only on the fourth month that I finally, somehow, lost it and asked her of why she hid a lot of things from me. I explained what I felt for her even. Looking at my conditions, she finally gave up. Well she did confirm that she felt the same I did towards her, but she claimed she could not be with me.

"At least not in this life."

What crap. I was mad at her. In my mind was all negative. I could not see clearly. Naughty thoughts linger upon me like hyenas on fresh carcasses. And now, my only confidence issue got to me real good.

"Why? Is that because I am just an engineering student?"

"I didn’t.."

"Because you get disgusted to know that I am an engineering student and afraid your friends and parents compared me to more appalling male doctors, is that what you mean?"

"No..I did not say that.."

"Because you will be ashamed of me, because my intelligence can never exceed yours, because.."

"Because I’m dying." And immediately she hung up.

All of these times I have never been so surprised. How terrible of me treating her that way. How guilty I felt, covering myself in the shroud of shame and disgust. Few days went passed and things became very awkward. Both of us did not message each other anymore. Perhaps maybe she was still upset with me or I was just being a proud coward. Days went by having me desperately waiting for her call or her messages but none ever reached me.

Slowly I turned into a beast one could only imagine; I got grumpy and I became disoriented for my mind was full of thoughts on her. Of her messages. Of our stories. Of our conversations. Of our love.

Never could resist anymore I took the humble way by contacting her via her number, and soon after a few tones her voice softly spoke into my cold ear. It was comfortably warming.

"I'm sorry."

Pause. Then the reply,

"You better be."

And just like that she forgave me. And we started all over again. We soon talked again and we laughed again, forgetting whatever that happened the past few days. We forgave and we forgot.

But the story between Nad and me did not last long. We never made into a relationship and we did not break up either. No matter how joyful it was when I had Nad back then, still I had to remind myself of a fact from which I cried to myself every time when I thought of it.

Nadiah passed away on the 15th of July, 2005 at the age of 19, after nearly 2 weeks from her operation and was only a week plus shy to her 20th birthday. She was suffering from an ovarian cancer, and her body system finally shut down due to complications after the surgery she had in order to remove the cancerous tissues. I was informed by her mom that she died peacefully in her sleep, not exactly what you doctors categorize as sleep since she was in a coma state. Pronounced dead at 6 something am, during when the muazzins was performing the call for Subuh or Fajr prayer on that Friday morning.

All these times she had been hiding this from me.

I do not want to further explain how I felt back then but I guess it is alright to say that i was pretty much fucked up with her sudden, uninformed leaving. She only told me that she was to leave to visit her grandparents in England (she was half Caucasian) and will be away for some time. Even when she earlier stated that she had this cardiac problems and insisted to believe that she will not live long, which of course ended up with me scolding her by saying so, never in my mind to expect that she left this fast, this early.

It was not cardiac problem at all.

Before her ‘leave to England‘ she told me that she will message me once she had the time to when she gets there in Heathrow. But I guessed it was either she never had the time, yet, or because there was no communication device whatsoever, yet, in ‘Heathrow’. At least those were the reasons I believed why the message had never reached me till today.

Her parents and siblings cancelled her Friendster and Myspace account before shifting to England on Spring 2005. I never knew where she was buried, and I lost contact with the family members since then.

Rest in Peace;
Syarifah Nadiah Syed Mazlan
21 July 1985 - 15 July 2005
A friend, an inspiration, a lover, a memory.


IRA said...

oh my god! realllyyyyyyyyyyyy? sedih okk! cancer in such a young age..sad sad..ade part IV ke?

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

yea. there shud be a part IV. kenapalah? you started following the story ke? enjoy it so far? no?

Mireya said...

serious sangat sedih!

al-fatihah to her then.

IRA said...

as long as ending die bukan mimpi or tipu semata2 i think i'm enjoying it! hahaahaha kalau ending nnti kate "tibe2 dengar suare mak aku panggil kejut sembahyang subuh,lah aku mimpi rupenye" mmg nak kene terajang laa hahah.

yer yer saye enjoy. ok nak sambung study ye awak!

Dusty said...

saya ada perasaan aneh terhadap pemuzik.of wind and string.