Tuesday, January 13, 2009

It Comes, Now & Feeling Matthew.

Less than seven days to my birthday.

I do not know whether I should be happy or otherwise.

In fact I feel a little scared.

The questions of commitment. The questions of making fortunes. The implications of unwilling responsibility. The advancement of unfruitful plans. The halts of unfinished business.

The quest of being successful gets to me hard this time.

Maybe I am just too afraid of the future.

Mathematically, my life will be as successful. Flourishing fortunes, highest distinctions in academic, major technology holder in alternative energy and power engineering, et cetera. Everything is taken into account, and the algorithm fits perfectly. If I follow my 5-year plan carefully, everything will be fine.

But as always, life is never an ideal system. Too many affecting factors, too many random variables, too many unexpectedness. And every mathematician knows that any number, prime or not, even or odd, as long as it is multiplied with a factor value of other than 1, the result will be ultimately different.

And this differences in results could mean a disaster in the making. Don't get me started on the Risk Factor Calculation by means of proximate probability methods.

It is scary. Very.

* * *

So it's my birthday.

I wonder how it will turn out this time.

Will I get any present this time? Of designer label items, la viva collections of authentic accessories that cost hundreds of dollars like some kids get from their parents and friends?

Will I ever be thrown a surprise party? With cakes, candles and hugs, friends and kegs all over and around?

Will I ever get sincere birthday wishes? From people around who actually care rather than wishing me because they need to, or because they have any other discreet agenda that in the end will put me into the position of being the only victim?

I do not put much hope anyway. And I do not ask much.

All I wanted is just happiness. Stop taking painkillers. Stop being in stressful conditions. Stop losing confidence over and over. Stop running around providing people with their needs and get nothing in return, not even a token of appreciation. Stop chasing the lights.

I hate the lights. I hate the lights.
Matthew Paulina, I am thinking of it. The game. I want to play the game. The game of a table a razor blade, two chairs and an empty room.

Only this time, the rules say I win.

* * *

- Faculties of Mind -

It's gonna be a fifty-fifty treatment
You'd be in and never outdoor
You'd be king long lost forgotten

It's gonna take a while i once remembered
There were lies i used to tell her
Hidden secrets make it rotten

On and on the days go on
And on and on for what i made wrong
Fall this time the times are useless
Have you been through wonderful minds?

Shout out loud the ants are coming
There's a thought that ever was
Once again and not forever

On and on the days go on
And on and on for what i made wrong
Fall this time the times are useless
Have you been through wonderful minds?

All the things you do you would do know
All the things you said you would say now
All the dreams come true in the meanlum

Have you been through wonderful minds?

p/s: saksikan Butterfingers Sesi Istana Budaya pada 17-18 Januari 2009. Long live royalbutterfingers.


miss eLyA =) said...

hak ala...cko la nk ape!! happines plak.....adeh....tak taw la nk bagi ape kt u jack!!!

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

eniting tp jam tgn. ngeh ngeh ngeh.

oh ya. sarah pun xleh kasik i jam tgn. hu!

Dusty said...

lets play.