Wednesday, March 25, 2009

There are times when I get really disappointed with life. Or do I put it as my life? There, it sounds better.

Everyone gets miserable. And that’s a fact. Sometimes people get miserable they’d wish they had more cash. Sometimes people get miserable they’d wish they had more time. Sometimes people get miserable by looking at other people being miserable. Sometimes people get miserable they’d wish they were anymore happier than everyone else. All these things they way they matter to one’s life depends on how important it is to him.

To men, there are only three things that make them happy - power, wealth and women.

To this point, it is necessary for me to say that I have all of the three mentioned above. I am no billionaire, but I have never resort to a time when I need to beg for food to continue living. I am no dictator but I have power on my own self - the power philosophers see as the hardest to obtain. I am no romeo but ..yeah. That’s it. I am no romeo.

But it has never bothered me, really.

Well if you ask me personally, I think that I am just another ordinary guy. You know, the kind of guy you see smoking by the alley, the regular kind of guy you see having trouble buying spices for his mom, the common kind of guy who gets hard times being in relationship, the usual kind of guy who gets his face spat on over and over because some other powerful people (or at least that’s what they think they are) are not in favor with him, and the kind of guy who lives his ups and downs everyday like every other men does.

That’s me alright.

Back to being miserable. Well the only thing that makes me miserable recently and still, is loneliness. Oh don’t get me wrong. I do have people around me, of course. I live with eleven other housemates in this apartment for twelve. I have three buddies who take care of me the way I do them. But it is not that kind of loneliness that I am currently writing about.

Let me ask you a question: have you ever been in a position that you are surrounded by everyone you had but somewhat you feel empty. Like something is missing. Something is not right. You feel empty and lonely and surrounded by cold silent, even though that you are in a loud parties or family get-together or friends gathering or whatever else equivalent. Something that is terribly difficult to explain. More importantly, something that makes you feel miserable.

Do you like being lonely and miserable? I don’t think I do.

I hate it when people tell me that I still have friends. I still have people who cares. I still have this and that other people do not possibly enjoy. And it’s not going to kill me if i don’t have them, and it’s not the end of the world yet. I hate it so much to a point I wish I could pull their tongues off the tract and dig their irritating eyeballs out from the orbital sockets using my bare hands.

You tell me I have friends. Fine. Friends are friends, and that’s it. One day they’re going to leave too. In fact at the time this journal is written, some of them are already leaving. They have lives, like the way I do and you do too. They are not going to stay for long, and I need to remind myself about that every time I start to cling so much on them. One day these people I have drinks with and laugh with and go crack with, someday, the will get married and have kids. Or move to some other places. Or even worst, they die. They’re not going to stay.

And then you tell me that I have my family. Mom and dad they don’t last forever. My brother one day he will go his own way too. Relatives? These days it is so hard to spend time with each other anymore. Everybody is busy when I am not, and I am busy whenever they are not. Worse, some of them I only meet during festival days, once or twice a year.

And I am not being ungrateful. I do thank You oh God for all the things I am currently enjoying. All the things that other people out there don’t really have or will never have. I do thank You. But dear God, I am not happy. I am not happy.

Have you ever sit down at night all by yourselves in your dark, empty rooms when outside is cold and so are you? Looking blindly at the clock on the wall wiping its face listening to every tick it makes and wondering how long more you will be like this? Hugging your own legs close to your chest on the bed leaning statically by the wall looking at the shining drops of rain as they fall from the sky and cross the street light beams? Crying to yourself alone you wish somebody will hug you and tell you it is alright to live again, promising you all these will end sometime soon? But they never come and you’re still the lonely you?

And times like that remind you of those women who used to love you unconditionally. Those women whose hands you have held, whose foreheads you have kissed, whose ears you have said beautiful words and whose eyes you have colored with hopes. Those women whom you have done wrong and who have done you wrong. The women who in the end left you, and the women whom you left. Where are they now? Are they happy? Are they crying? Are they cold as you are? Who do they love now? In whose arms do they sleep tonight? To whose ears they whisper goodnight? Do they remember you? Do they miss you? Do they live their life completely the reverse of yours, or do they live just like the way you do - miserable and lonely too?

And then you look out of the window from your second floor room and you see the rusty spears on the metal fences protruding to the sky. They look at you as if they’re calling you, "Come on, it won’t be painful anymore." As you light up your cigarette and inhale an amount of smoke that burns your dry throat, you look blindly at the horizon hoping to see something but there is none. And you finish your smoke and get onto you bed, doing the same thing all over again.

Completely miserable, lonely, cold, isolated, frustrated, sad, angry, disappointed, demotivated, giving up - all these feelings they start to destroy you. You get bitter, you become hateful and vengeful, you become pessimistic and you become unhappy. You look at everybody with curiosity. You lose your trust in everyone especially the people who say that it is okay to stay single but in the end they resort to having spouses. The people who promise they will stick but in the end leave you alone. The people whom you call bloody hypocrites but were too as well.

And then all that you realize is one thing; no matter what, in the end it is always you who are alone. All alone.

Loneliness is a bitch. But before you start to realize it, please bear in mind that this bitch, it has puppies.

I just got back from the National Postgraduate Conference held in UTP from today until tomorrow.

Presenting one of my finest papers in front of highly educated strangers with strong sense and suspicions, I was quite nervous. But everything turned out to be alright, and I am very glad with it.

At least one of the main cause of stress is eliminated.

Talking about stress, many came and asked me, "how do you coop with it?" My answer was simple - I did not.

For me, I always appreciated myself being in stressful conditions. This may sound absurd to many, but believe it or not, we become extensively mobile when we are under the stress regime. We become more alert, our minds work aggressively and we become solution tanks. Oftenly associated with problems, having stress improves your brains from a usually-static state into highly dynamic.

Simply, it is a type of strong motivation.

If I am too happy and too carefree, I will become a potato couch - relaxing the whole day without doing anything. The food is there ready for immediate consumption, money is available in vast amount in my pocket, the limousines and the chopper waiting outside - what is there to be stressed about? And eventually I will lose my guard and I start not to appreciate things around me. I will have the lack of life skills, and I slowly becoming a moron because I do not think for myself anymore but others do it for me.

By being in stressful condition, it opens my eyes. I start to see what I have been missing. I start to appreciate what I have. I start to think of ways for improvements. I start digging a tunnel out from the deep dark hole I fell into, in which in the end I get to see the sky again.

Because for me, what matters is the ladder going up, not the falling off part. We tend to remember how we were over the years - climbing up the stairs one by one, and we feel proud of it. That is always the sweetest moment, no?

* * *

A friend, via the Yahoo messenger, told me that I am an Agape type of lover. And so I surf around to find the meaning of the newly-heard word, Agape, and I found this:

Agape is selfless, unconditional love. The features of this form of love: it is patient and kind; it does not envy, nor boast; it keeps no record of wrong doing; it hopes, protects, trusts, and is not self seeking.

If there is a dark side to agape, it is in those who claim to act out of love and compassion, but whose love comes at a price. "Do-gooders" and "martyrs" - people who expect dependence and devotion in return for their selfless love are exhibiting the dark side of agape.

Agape is also a blend of two other types of love, eros and storge. This is the love of altruism, of giving without asking anything in return, and of sacrificing oneself for one's partner. Many would consider it to be the purest form of love.

Wicked. All I knew was I am always a terrible lover.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Dear family, friends, fans and foes;

It has been some time since I last updated.

My apologies. It was not that I did not have anything to write about. It was just that I had just one too many things to tell to even fit this small page of mine. Too many things happened, too many things in mind, too many underlying stories over every fact, and too many grudges over small simple things.

Too many heartbreaks. And no I am not being a woman. Men too, do have heartbreaks - it is just that whether they hold it back or the set them flaming. Either way, however, will still be as destroying.

Everyone knows that sometimes we just need to take a break before we get to break apart.

Dead branches, they allow new ones to grow. Old, dead places allows development to take place. Retiring officers get replacements. And it seems that, the plain old me needs a replacement as well.

I need a break. Not a long one, probably only just for a week. I hope it is sufficient enough to put the pieces in me back together to keep me going again. I will leave for a while, and lets just hope that when I get back I'd still remember about this blog.

I used to be this straight-chested, cold-hearted, with strong will but sometimes arrogant, always in control, oftenly brutal with tremendous words of ideas, all the time on the speeding lane and never was such a pussy. I guess there was something in the way that changed me into one, which I am clearly trying to avoid from becoming. And it must be really something that could overpower me, driving me away from the road to my destination, halting me in this deserted place in the middle of nowhere.

Many people came to me and asked me for directions, advices. Some asked for solutions. Some asked for reasoning over things that happened to them. Well everyone seeks the light, don't they now? Everyone wants answers, enlightenment, the truth that matters. Because everyone is in doubt. They're in misery, in complete confusion.

But for now I need to excuse myself, for that I need to seek the light for my own.

I knew I was right about everything. See what happened now. It was exactly in my line of thoughts and predictions which I did weeks before. Tell me on my face where I got it wrong, if any of course. How does one explain some things like this? This is no coincidence. This is what experience and age have thought me so far. So tell me why do you still call me wrong? Isn't it too late now to listen to me? But you don't listen. You just don't listen.

You just never listen.

Am going away now so you guys take care,
I will be with you soon so just hold on there,
It won't take long that I promise you,
Mending myself healing myself I just need to do,

So wait for the day when I'll be back,
Forgive me for all my sins and all I did slack,
Wish me well and wish me luck,
(Wait, what rhymes with last word there?)
ahh what the hell like I give a fuck.

Bye people.

I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be

And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

So why am I running away?
So why am I running away?

Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough

And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

So why am I running away?
So why am I running away?

Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind

Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?

Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind

So why am I running away?
So why am I running away?

What is it I've got to say
To make you admit you're afraid?

So why am I running away?
Why am I running away?

Thursday, March 05, 2009

You want to hurt me?

Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better.

I'm an easy target.

Yeah, you're right:

I talk too much.

I also listen too much.

I could be a cold, hard cynic like you.

But I don't like to hurt people's feelings.

You think what you want about me.

I'm not changing.

I like me.

My family likes me.

My customers like me.

Because I'm the real article.

What you see is what you get.

Taken from 'Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987)', John Hughes, Hughes Entertainment.

I just can't believe it.

What do you guys do when you are bored and lonely?

Enlighten me, please.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Go to hell with Koko Crunch. I want this for my breakfast. Go get it for me, for I am hungry.


Libraca, Arabica and Black Javanese. Orgasmic.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Can't read my
Can't read my
No they can't read my poker face
(they've got me like nobody)

* * *

Take a flip of a coin and try to guess,
which part of it will tell you best,
of all you know about this one guy you craze,
the guy you know he has a poker face,

At once he attracts you and then he leaves,
Like most Adams did to just most of Eves,
take a bow now that the show's over,
the tense gets high now you're a living cadaver,

Be careful now for you might fall apart,
for this particular guy who plays you his card,
you'll fall for it you'll fall so deep,
you'll get away so far than you could keep,

Don't give it a chance darling for you might lose your guard,
he's the type who targets a fortune on a single dart,
and if you wonder why this man's quite an ace,
you've gotta tell yourself that,
"God damn. He's just not an average poker face."

Jacksparrow, "Temperamental", Dec 2008, Poetic Ltd.(C)

Monday, March 02, 2009

Things get pretty much way off control these days that certain things went far well misunderstood.

Quite on the offensive side now i have two families to calm down and that is where the line is drawn for anymore crispy trouble.

It's damn well hard enough to please worried moms and dads. Luckily the impairment of tantrum has been called off and the two parties resided into a solution in which I have to discolor the already darkened symposium of once a happy relationship.

As on the previous issues it is far way diplomatic to apologize to those who are offended and keeping ourselves down and attached to the ground is the best way to do right now.

Moving on now to less controversial issues.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Jom kita pergi jauh jom?

At times, I'd always think I did many thing to people because I care for them. Because I love them.

I'd see them suffer now than they suffer later. Because I don't want them to suffer the way I did. I do not want them to take the same route I take so that they ended up like me. Bitter and sour like me.

But I guess they just did not see it.

Even when I still love them like the way I always did, I do not think that they will take me as the way I am.

I just want the best for you.

Alhamdulillah Ya Allah, kerana terbukanya hijab yang selama ini mengurung aku di dalam kekeliruan. Alhamdulillah Ya Rahman, kerana Engkau masih menyayangi aku. Alhamdulillah Ya Rahim, kerana hari ini panahan petir yang keras menyambar perasaan aku.

Dan aku panjatkan segala doa dan hajat aku kepada Kau Ya Allah, berikanlah nikmat kesabaran aku dan berkat doa aku kepada orang-orang yang aku sayang. Anjurkanlah segala kesenangan aku dan kegembiraan aku kepada mereka, dan tawakkallah aku kepada-Mu Ya Rabb, agar mereka-mereka ini sentiasa berada di dalam jagaan-Mu yang satu.

Sujud sembah aku kepada-Mu Ya Malik.

Ambillah aku.
Ambillah aku.
Ambillah aku.

"Nurse, 50mg heroine, IV, stat."