Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Interference in Logic - The Loneliness

There are times when I get really disappointed with life. Or do I put it as my life? There, it sounds better.

Everyone gets miserable. And that’s a fact. Sometimes people get miserable they’d wish they had more cash. Sometimes people get miserable they’d wish they had more time. Sometimes people get miserable by looking at other people being miserable. Sometimes people get miserable they’d wish they were anymore happier than everyone else. All these things they way they matter to one’s life depends on how important it is to him.

To men, there are only three things that make them happy - power, wealth and women.

To this point, it is necessary for me to say that I have all of the three mentioned above. I am no billionaire, but I have never resort to a time when I need to beg for food to continue living. I am no dictator but I have power on my own self - the power philosophers see as the hardest to obtain. I am no romeo but ..yeah. That’s it. I am no romeo.

But it has never bothered me, really.

Well if you ask me personally, I think that I am just another ordinary guy. You know, the kind of guy you see smoking by the alley, the regular kind of guy you see having trouble buying spices for his mom, the common kind of guy who gets hard times being in relationship, the usual kind of guy who gets his face spat on over and over because some other powerful people (or at least that’s what they think they are) are not in favor with him, and the kind of guy who lives his ups and downs everyday like every other men does.

That’s me alright.

Back to being miserable. Well the only thing that makes me miserable recently and still, is loneliness. Oh don’t get me wrong. I do have people around me, of course. I live with eleven other housemates in this apartment for twelve. I have three buddies who take care of me the way I do them. But it is not that kind of loneliness that I am currently writing about.

Let me ask you a question: have you ever been in a position that you are surrounded by everyone you had but somewhat you feel empty. Like something is missing. Something is not right. You feel empty and lonely and surrounded by cold silent, even though that you are in a loud parties or family get-together or friends gathering or whatever else equivalent. Something that is terribly difficult to explain. More importantly, something that makes you feel miserable.

Do you like being lonely and miserable? I don’t think I do.

I hate it when people tell me that I still have friends. I still have people who cares. I still have this and that other people do not possibly enjoy. And it’s not going to kill me if i don’t have them, and it’s not the end of the world yet. I hate it so much to a point I wish I could pull their tongues off the tract and dig their irritating eyeballs out from the orbital sockets using my bare hands.

You tell me I have friends. Fine. Friends are friends, and that’s it. One day they’re going to leave too. In fact at the time this journal is written, some of them are already leaving. They have lives, like the way I do and you do too. They are not going to stay for long, and I need to remind myself about that every time I start to cling so much on them. One day these people I have drinks with and laugh with and go crack with, someday, the will get married and have kids. Or move to some other places. Or even worst, they die. They’re not going to stay.

And then you tell me that I have my family. Mom and dad they don’t last forever. My brother one day he will go his own way too. Relatives? These days it is so hard to spend time with each other anymore. Everybody is busy when I am not, and I am busy whenever they are not. Worse, some of them I only meet during festival days, once or twice a year.

And I am not being ungrateful. I do thank You oh God for all the things I am currently enjoying. All the things that other people out there don’t really have or will never have. I do thank You. But dear God, I am not happy. I am not happy.

Have you ever sit down at night all by yourselves in your dark, empty rooms when outside is cold and so are you? Looking blindly at the clock on the wall wiping its face listening to every tick it makes and wondering how long more you will be like this? Hugging your own legs close to your chest on the bed leaning statically by the wall looking at the shining drops of rain as they fall from the sky and cross the street light beams? Crying to yourself alone you wish somebody will hug you and tell you it is alright to live again, promising you all these will end sometime soon? But they never come and you’re still the lonely you?

And times like that remind you of those women who used to love you unconditionally. Those women whose hands you have held, whose foreheads you have kissed, whose ears you have said beautiful words and whose eyes you have colored with hopes. Those women whom you have done wrong and who have done you wrong. The women who in the end left you, and the women whom you left. Where are they now? Are they happy? Are they crying? Are they cold as you are? Who do they love now? In whose arms do they sleep tonight? To whose ears they whisper goodnight? Do they remember you? Do they miss you? Do they live their life completely the reverse of yours, or do they live just like the way you do - miserable and lonely too?

And then you look out of the window from your second floor room and you see the rusty spears on the metal fences protruding to the sky. They look at you as if they’re calling you, "Come on, it won’t be painful anymore." As you light up your cigarette and inhale an amount of smoke that burns your dry throat, you look blindly at the horizon hoping to see something but there is none. And you finish your smoke and get onto you bed, doing the same thing all over again.

Completely miserable, lonely, cold, isolated, frustrated, sad, angry, disappointed, demotivated, giving up - all these feelings they start to destroy you. You get bitter, you become hateful and vengeful, you become pessimistic and you become unhappy. You look at everybody with curiosity. You lose your trust in everyone especially the people who say that it is okay to stay single but in the end they resort to having spouses. The people who promise they will stick but in the end leave you alone. The people whom you call bloody hypocrites but were too as well.

And then all that you realize is one thing; no matter what, in the end it is always you who are alone. All alone.

Loneliness is a bitch. But before you start to realize it, please bear in mind that this bitch, it has puppies.


Max J. Potter said...

i don't like loneliness. i like being in a place where there are people. and being single to me, isn't lonely. but i guess it's just me. i'm still in my selfish zone, where everything i have isn't to be shared. my time, my hobbies, my life. my 24 hours are for me and me alone. im in that zone, that period. and i'm happy.

i know there will be a time when i'd be willing to share stuff with someone. but not now. hehe.

my friend said, 'aku suka lonely. aku loner. aku buat apa pun untuk aku sorang. takdelah miserable sangat sebenarnya. melainkan aku dah takde apa nak buat.' so i guess, as long as there are things to do, you won't feel lonely.

but then again, maybe that's just me.


Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

well i think the effect varies, maybe. thanks for dropping by, you.


mInImOy said...

i feel you cause i felt that kind of feeling before. i turned out to be a goth because of it.

but i got tired of it, and i worked myself out to look for my own happinesss,regardles whether im with others or im alone.

Loneliness eats your life up. but who am i to give a piece of my mind, right Jack? im just a young girl :)

but i know one thing, open up your mind and heart - be really open. and you'll be surprised of what you will feel.

Silverleaf said...

You just reminded me of my life...I'm lonely and I'm miserable...worse I got no power, wealth or women...

That mean that I'm not alone in feeling this miserable. now I will go on trying being happy...You should too...