Thursday, September 10, 2009

And I Don't Want The World To See Me

As the afternoon rain poured down showering the driest of Tronoh's land, I sat on my chair with two legs on the table and my eyes thrown far outside the window. 'Speak Softly Love' from the movie The Godfather played beautifully from the old headphone, straightly knocking the passionate Italian violin to ringing my drums with drugged, mixed feelings. My eyes were not looking at the rain but the mobile phone that hung next to the window pane.

It has been days since our last encounter.

It cannot be very obvious to say that I missed rosy cheeks. Four days it has been since we danced in the rain. And if it is not too much to ask, I would love to meet her up for the usual chats and drinks, to see how is she doing and how life has been treating her since we have met. Probably I'll throw some questions about her sister and something else on her studies, just to keep the conversation going, so that her shiny eyes are mine to see for the whole night.

But sometimes, some things are just pretty much unexplained.

When I said that it has been four days since the day I and rosy cheeks danced in the rain, it also has been four days since we ever talked to each other. We never did bump into each other in between now and then. I did try to make contact with her and even stayed at one of the pillars in UTP Library where she oftenly be sitting on the carpeted floor under the shady yellow light, resting alone while reading her cookeries books. The spot came empty every time I was there, never be filled. I didn't see her at all. For each night, my calls turned unanswered, my text messages came unreplied.

And I could not sleep as soundly anymore. In fact, I couldn't even sleep at all. So I sat on my chair with the headphone stuck on my ears for hours playing endless songs while I throw my views to looking outside the window blindly, thinking. My fingers smelt of cigarette while my lips were dried like edging sandpapers. In my hand was a lighter that I sparked over and over with raging waves of thoughts in my mind.

Why did she not reply my messages, nor to return my calls? Why did not she come and see me like usual? Why did she disappear? What have I done that repelled her from me, my own self? Why did she leave after all the things we did and said? Was she in trouble? How was I supposed to know? Why was she being so cold out of a sudden? Why out of a sudden, I was now insignificant to her?

What's with when you said you were missing me? And all the things you said? And the conversations that we both picked? The smiles, the stares, Rush, rosy cheeks?

My mixed feelings were as if stirred in large bowls of sand and stones. These questions came hitting me like a hammer to a nail on the wood, shaking my head as they hit. These hanging, unanswered questions, they piled up in just a few hours with open-ended solutions, none I was sure of its truth. So I kept thinking, and thinking until my mind broke down only to notify myself that there was only one last question left to ask that, if answered, will unveil every answer to every question. The last thing on my mind that ever came out to ask.

And when it did, I felt myself in complete rage. I felt my neck burning and my fist clenching. I felt the muscles in my face started to contract and both the upper side and the lower side of my jaw to push on each other. I could hear how the teeth ground each other as they collided. I closed my eyes and tried hard to calm down. I tried to let loose and let go, but it seemed this time the force was just way too powerful. In my heart I asked for forgiveness and at least for an answer, an explanation. Please, don't let me be the last to know, but,

"Did she play me?

The healing battle wounds from the last war, they started to bleed again.

* * *

This episode uses the last available line from Iris. Let's just hope this is not the last post too.


Isabel said...

dont give up... and be strong. i know you will.

cik jaa said...

hopefully she wouldn't make u 'lost' again, jack??bertenang lah =) take care.

shera said...

no way.carilah dia.laporkan kehilangan dia di balai polis jika perlu.

Razana Adam Lee said...

she might be busy, i presume
hello :)

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

thanks people for commenting.

Isabel: i will =D

Cik Jaa: i already am lost.

pinkeen: she's there. she just didnt answer calls n texts

Razana: probably. lets see how it turns out. hello back =D