Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Cause I Don't Think That They'd Understand.

If only there are words that best describe what I feel inside.

The previous two nights seemed to be the most relieving part after such God forsaken drowning that I had gone through since the last forty-four days. It had been forty-four days that I had found myself sleepless on the bed but on the sajadah in the darkest of nights, pleading for mercy from Him - for forgiveness; for warmth of love; for eternal solace from this battle wound that hurt so much, so much that sometimes I found myself lost deep in my own confusing confusions. For fourty-four days, I was that.

But now if someone should come to me and ask, I would say that I had never been better.

And tonight I write just to share this thing inside me - the raging ocean of neverending hopes, both answered and turned down; the burning passion of being in love again; and the bitter part where it rots down the previous two feelings. And I hope this will make you understand better.

Being with her even only for a few hours somehow drew me into her game.

Her open arms seemed to be pleasingly inviting. The way she touched the coldness in me and the way she warmed me up with her brightest smiles brought me down onto my own bended knees. The way she sat right next to me on chilly wooden bench and the way she blanketed me with her gestures locked me into believing that things were changing. The way she danced freely in the rain and the looks she made as she offered her hand for me to reach and join her in the downpour hushed me into my own silence. The way she stroke her hands into my wet hair as she looked at me in the eyes and whispered something I could never understand put me into breaking my own dams of tears that I solemnly beforehand shed only for someone who had left me in my own miseries, helpless, counting days.

But that night I let my tears out in the rain as she let hers. And there were no reasons at all to why we cried, but we did. And while we did, we smiled.

Slowly the pain that lingered around for so long went away. I no longer felt the coldness. I no longer felt bitter. The wounds from previous battle healed up almost as instantly as she lied her hand on my cheek. Not even a word was muttered, but I guessed we just happened to understand each other by just looking into the staring eyes. The loneliness faded away, the void was slowly filled.

Never again I pulled a face whenever I gazed at the shining star. Never again I hated the falling rain. Never again. And if you ask me, I'd say I had never ever felt any better than this.

But then again, there is this still bitter feelings deep inside of me, bothering.

* * *

"Would you love me?"

I looked at her and gently I wiped her lips that was smothered with the leftovers from the fries she just ate. I put down the serviette paper and stroke her fringe with two fingers, exposing her hazel eyes that stared at me, gleaming in hopes.

I rubbed her moist, pink lips with my thumb as gently as silk does to skin, and I pressed on her soft chin, lifting her head towards mine. I placed my warm hand on her smooth rosy cheeks that was hidden beneath her fallen hair, and I felt thin streams of water came down on my cheeks. I was not crying, but there was no way I could explain why tears started to flow down my eyes. But I could explain just one thing.

"Only if you love me back."

I miss you rosy cheeks.


Amalina Madzlan said...

sgt suwit..
bilakah kisahku akan menjadi seperti kisah mu jua?
*blame my pms..

MeiLin said...

:D *that's all I can express..hehe*

Fiza Falak said...

i dont noe y but i cant stop blushing when i read this

Isabel said...

love reading ur posts.. all of them. be happy and look forward for what is coming. :) happy that you are happy!!

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

Aryna: really cant tell, darling, but i know somewhere along the way your tale will be sweeter than mine.

i'll pray for u =)

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

Melinda: you sweet cookie monster! :D

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

Fiza: you sure had your own version of rosy cheeks kan? hey add me la kat facebook =D

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

bellybutton: thank you isabel. your prayers for me did work extravagantly =)

~riena~ said...

omg..this is soo sweeett..
i dont know why, but every entry in ur blog...makes me wanna smile...:)
cant wait to read your latest entry.jack..
i dunno when is it my time to have such feeling..
to fall in love again ...chewaah!!

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

riena: thank you, riena. im sure your time will come pretty much soon =)

Farah said...

Congratulation! Hopefully this time I can say "And they live happily forever and ever...the end"