Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Words I Want To Hear, Tell Me

Sprinkles in my head.

Why did you go missing?

Not even one day went by without me thinking about the same bloody question. We still haven't met each other since the last week incident - where things got too emotionally intense that I felt something must have tipped that cause her walk her path to a point where there is no turning back. At one point too, I did dig into the worst of reality by thinking that she might never return anymore. And if only I could tell how devastated I was.

But I was wrong. She finally texted me the other day and asked if i did miss her. Well of course, of course I did. I missed her a lot. And that was what I told her, unwillingly, only to see that there was no reply whatsoever after that. Again, she went missing. And again, I got myself speculating things, asking numerous questions that in the end hurt me and only me. Regardless, I never stop questioning.

But I still didn't get the answer for that one bloody question.

* * *

"Why did you go missing?"

She brushed her hair as the evening breeze blew onto them from the opened window of the car. She placed her left hand on the door's armrest while the other stationed firmly on her small petite hip. The sun was to set and the road was full with speeding vehicles, but that did not bother me much than her. I had too many questions in mind that I would love to ask, but I decided to go directly to the point where a slap could instantly kill, figuratively speaking, in the form of a question. I just happened to be so pissed with her, but I managed to put myself calmly on my seat for a week or so while waiting in vanity, and nothing satisfies me better than a softly spoken sort of explanation.

She didn't look at me but at the outside.

"I was busy."

"Even to attend to an SMS?"


There. Firmed and gripped, her answer was. I knew that if I pushed her a little bit, things will not be in my favor and the evening will be over without me knowing. And I still was confused on the issue why she asked me out to have our breakfast in McDonald out of a sudden after disappearing for so long. But being the one with courtesy driven with extreme curiosity after meeting her just now at her block to pick her up, I put away my resistance and got myself in control again soon as I saw the expressions on her face - a mix of upset, disappointment and burnout. She was depressed and still, so I did not want her to blow up. At least not now, no matter how swollen my heart was as to react to her disappearance.

"Why are we going to McD?" I just wanted to remove the awkward moments by tossing out casual talk. But she didn't reply at all but to throw her looks to the scenery outside, from the back of her shades, looking at a crowd of kite-fliers at an open field in Falim right before I took a right turn to head into Ipoh. Her hair got messed up by the wind already, so I turned on the air-conditioner from a touch of a button. As soon as I put my hand on the switch that turned the air-conditioner on, she slowly lifted her hand and held my wrist. I felt her warm, soft skin as it gripped me slowly.

"I nak rasa angin luar, if you don't mind?"

"Sure," I said. But the hand didn't let go. Instead from the top of my hand it found the gaps in between my fingers, and slowly gripping in by filling the gaps with hers. She then pulled both hands and placed them on her blue acid-washed Levis. In my mind, I started to feel a lot of things, random inquiries came hitting. Why, now? What went wrong? Why did she behave so weirdly? At once she repelled me and now she came hitting on me again. That was when I recalled on what both Noraz and Dzul told me the other day - about the game she's playing. So I responded by gripping her fingers firmly back, feeling the gentle touch that warmed my hand up, sending this kind of energy that I could never really interpret but I could say that the feelings were extremely wonderful.

I looked at her and she was looking at our hands gripping each other. Well probably she felt it too. Probably.

As we passed the last traffic light next to Jusco, her mobile phone rang out its message tone - the sound of a frog went 'bribbit bribbit'. So she pulled her hand back from mine and she dug her tote for it. She read the text, looked at it for some time, typed the reply message and sent it before placing the phone back into her tote.

"Your dad?" I was just too curious.


"Then? Your sis?"


"Hm," I was being careful not to tip the standing bedrock and cause it to collapse, but I just couldn't help but to ask, "then who was it?"

She took a deep breath and clasped her hands together for a while before removing her shades and placed it on the dashboard. She brushed her hair and fixed her fringe, as if she did not hear me. And that did it for me - I just couldn't take the pressure anymore. I turned to her and was about to ask her again when she turned at me too, her face was expressionless.

"My boyfriend."

Everything froze.


LuTaNiA said...

i feel u man, i feel u~ :((((

Nur Diana said...

ooppss.. who r u, then?

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

lutania: yea it kinda hurt when i heard that

yanne: a question i have yet to obtain its answer, diana.

dyn al said...

i tahu u kuat kan?
be strong !

It4Ch1 said...

sorry mate. I saw this coming when she went missing without replying any of your texts or calls.

shera said...


cik jaa said...

omg.apekah yg sedang berlaku sebenar nyer??adeh -_-''

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

amoy: i have to be.

muspa: i shud hv seen it coming kan?

shira: uh

cik jaa: entah la cik jaa T_T