Saturday, September 19, 2009

And Then This Fool Will Rush In

If only there were explanations that could satisfy.

Entirely soaked by the heavy rain, I sat in my seat without having even the slight intention to move anywhere. This was the last stop I did since I left McDonald quite some time ago. The rain they just didn't seem to stop and to drive in that kind of situation with me being all confused was not the best idea I could've had coming. So I parked the car under a tree in Ipoh Polo Field and looked at the rain smashing on my front windshield, creating shadows of abstracts as they reflected the yellow shades from the street lights. The streams of water seemed to occupy me for quite a while until it came hitting me again.

I could not help but to stare at the empty seat next to me while hovering my left hand into touching the edge of the seat, where rosy cheeks used to place hers on her legs. I closed my eyes and I imagined her sitting and looking at me with her smiles, her fringe covering a part of her face and her sparkling white teeth shone in between her two pink lips. And I imagined of those two rosy cheeks, and the smell of her perfume that never fail to drive me nervous every time I took a hint of it. I took a deep breath, and slowly I opened my eyes to see.

But she was not there. The seat was still empty. I didn't smell anything but my own perfume mixed with stale cigarette scent. My hand, it didn't find anything but the empty cold seat. I pulled my hand back to myself, and I looked into my empty palm - it was all wet from the rain, pale and wrinkled due to the cold weather.

I sipped the hot coffee from the polystyrene cup I bought from the Starbucks in Ipoh Parade earlier. They feel warm and pleasing as they passed my throat, leaving the bitter aftertaste soon afterward. I lied back on my seat, and I saw it again playing before my eyes.

* * *

"Move away."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," I replied to him while I gave way to him as he requested.

He bended over and kneeled on his knees as he sought after her hand and shoulder as she rubbed her arm that hit the tarmac just now. All I did was to stand in front of them, trying to figure out what to do. Please don't get me wrong for being such a pussy- I could have been a gentleman and helped her out, but, but, I was not the person with the highest priority. He was.

I tried to get near and helped her out but he pointed a finger to me, and with the fiercest face he said, "just stay where you are."

I stared into his eyes as he did mine. Being both alpha males, I could say that we were entirely driven by ego and pride as to react to saving the lady at hands. I felt my cheeks went bloated and thickening up when I heard him. My blood rushed through my veins and to my head, and I clamped my hands together, ready for a fight. But instantly I could have guessed where this way going so I took the diplomatic way to just do as he requested to further avoid anymore confrontation.

"I'm sorry," I said it again with hopes. But he didn't even look at me, neither too rosy cheeks. He helped her up, took the umbrella and walked her to his car, parked just a few vehicles away from mine. I saw how he opened the door for her, tossed her tote into the back seat before he did the same thing to the umbrella, got into the car and left without a single word but tire marks on the wet asphalt. Well at least I now knew how it felt when I left them without a word just now.

As the car moved across the street and into the main road, I stood in the rain watching until they disappeared in the clouds of red lights from other vehicles that trailed.

And there she went, the one with rosy cheeks, away with hopes and dreams that were never for me to share with.

* * *

If only one could understand how I felt, it would have been very clear to say that I found it very difficult to withstand the typhoon of emotions I had in mind. It was so sudden that a garden of hopes changed into an empty field of my own miseries. Nothing I could have asked for but just a tiny sensation that makes one smile, and I did get what I have asked for, only little that I knew the price for a smile was this God forsaken miseries that literally only I would have to suffer from.

Many things in mind worth a ponder. Many questions left unanswered. I wondered, how far broken one could be until he finally gives love up?

I will never forget that night, the night when only rain accompanied my loneliness. The night I was soaking wet by the rain and also my pouring emotions. The night when I admitted defeat so easily without even pulling the bravest fight. The night I was left alone bleeding to my last drop, wailing for someone to come and offer help. The night I felt so at rage towards her and her every lie. The night I sat in my car with my head in my hands, thinking about nothing else but you and I.

Rosy cheeks, look what you've done.

* * *

One message received:

"sampai hati you tolak I. apa dosa I?"
Rosy Cheeks, 10.38pm.


W. Suhailaliza W. M. H. said...


"sampai hati u tolak i. apa dosa i?"

for Godsake, wake up baby girl.
first, who do you think you are?
second, for once, maybe a sec, you should think this way, "maybe i deserved that. i was so selfish and maybe stupid to put you in that situation in the first place after giving the i'm available-so-please-take-me-with-you signals"

"i taknak." (referring to the i-nak-balik-dengan-sapa incident from the prev post)

why? were you confused, baby? *(trying to think from her side)

even if you were, this is just not the way to announce people. *(i can't. her little-girl-ignorance style is still unacceptable).

well, coming to the conclusion, maybe she's too young and ignorant to think about this people feelings stuffs wisely. and/or she might feel happy to be adored and to have the power to choose.

jack, maybe not this one. not this time. not yet. you're not fully recovered from the past. you should know what u should do by now. take care =)

It4Ch1 said...

just go straight. no more cutting corners. dun belok-belok no more. tell the truth. then, u got nothing to lose. especially your pride.

Fiza Falak said...

ou-oh. have u apologized?

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

W.S: cool down you..huhuuu. yeah, i might be rushing things, or things are rushing me.

muspa: alright. probably an inquiry would do?

Fiza: uh. yea. hihu.

farishta said...

As I said.. females like these will never *see* what they did wrong, even though they trample on your heart and grind their stiletto heels into your major arteries.

"sampai hati u tolak i. apa dosa i?"

Babygurl needs to wake up and smell the kopi-o. :P