Tuesday, October 06, 2009

I Am Happy For You, You Know?

The day was great so far. The engine ran at full capacity and us researchers were able to observe and study the principle behind the single-cylinder experimental internal combustion engine without having fearful thoughts that the engine might break down again causing any or all of us to respond with the common "oh man, not again."

I was enjoying my chilled can of coffee by Boss when the phone rang.

"Hellew?" That was purposely. I liked to play tones with her.

"Hello," she said. "What's up?"

"Well," I replied while looking upward, "other than the ceiling, we have a number of perfectly working fluorescent lights, a couple or more of spiderwebs and, holy camoly, there's nothing else."

"Very funny," she replied as I sipped on my coffee.

"I know," I put the coffee away, "what made you call? It has been a while, you know. You don't love me no more?"

"Aww," her voice turned into somewhat that of cats', "of course I do. I had been busy with the Amusing Aunties activities and the cooking classes. And open houses."

"That's great. What else you did?"

"Sent the cats for jabs and the other two little ones that needed anti-crab spray."

"Alright, great," I wasn't really paying attention because my eyes were more attracted to the spinning rod of the engine. This somehow occurred to my ears too.

"Hey," she sounded rather excited, "you still remember your first girlfriend? She's getting married."

"Oh really," I replied in quite monotonously, eyes still on the rod, "that's great too."

And then I thought for a while. "Mom, wait," I said, this time around I pressed the phone closer to my right ear even the left one could hear,

"what did you just say now?"

* * *

So she contacted my mom to let her know about the wedding.

Very well, finally she is getting married. Speaking of my feelings, well, they are pretty much alright. After all, it is not that there were anything going on between us. Not at least since the past three years, when the cumulatively six years worth of relationship went down in flame just like a crashing plane. Just like that.

Well it wasn't that both of us broke up over one's mistake let alone both. It was probably we were not meant for each other, despite the six years attempt to make it happen. It happened, yes it did, but to no avail in the end things went absurdly out of control and for the best of her I took the responsibility in command to speak for our then still-blurry future.

That was the first time I felt it - how would it feel, to go through a very painful breakup. I and her we did not argue nor we had fights over things, no, no that did not happen. In fact it didn't happen at all. We happened to agree on the fact that we needed to split.

The only thing I still remember to date was that there were a lot of tears. Day went by devastatingly, painstakingly. I finally came to my own duel with myself while there were still a lot of emotions going on. She broke down into pieces and so did I. We were going through bad days for months, only at the time she didn't have me and I didn't have her to console each other into feeling better again. We cut all connections, because we know that by appearing to one another again, we won't be able to fight this terrible feeling of longing, the feeling of loneliness. I felt it almost instantly, even since Day 1.

That day onward, my handphone never made a sound anymore.

* * *

I feel happy for you, you know?

You were the first woman I had ever loved so much. You were the one who taught me how to love. You touched me with your skin and you touched me with your words. You taught me that it was alright when things went astray, and you were always there when I got hurt. You hugged me through my painful days, you helped me step from pace to pace.

You used to mean everything to me. Everything.

I was and still am sorry that what we had planned for our future did not have even a slight chance for them to materialize.

You must be so beautiful in those wedding dresses.

It is good to know that there is a man, a very special man I'd reckon, who loves and accepts you the way you are; who treats you the way how you should be, who is willing to hug you through the coldest of nights where you wouldn't feel lonely anymore, who will be there all the time to listen and wipe your tears, who will let you lie on his chest and play with his hair, who would be kind enough to hold your hand and lead you through life, who would be loving enough and calls you his wife, who would have children with you where you will be one good mother and him a good father. You will always make a good wife, and you will always make a good mother. I know it by mind and I know it by heart. Never again your nights will be tied up with you being lonely on the bed wondering: who will be here to save me?

So go on now, take his hand and proceed. My prayers are with you all the time. May you two have a joyful, long and prosperous life together until the end.

* * *

I killed the cigarette in the ashtray and drank the coffee slowly. I looked out of the window at the pitch dark night and I let out a small sigh. I felt relieved. Slowly these worries from all these years they went away, fading with our memories.

I am happy for you, you know?

1 comment:

LuTaNiA said...

Ohh... break-ups, they are never easy. even when reading abt it, I was almost in tears. damn!
Well, I dont know abt u, but if it happens to me, I'd feel a lil bit hurt knowing he would be happy with someone else, and those memories.. Phew~