Sunday, October 11, 2009

In Mere Seconds

Day #80.

Here I am on my chair, wide awake like a recently-awoken baby, looking around the room with a cigarette in one hand and a ruler in the other. I pretty much understand that the cigarette is for me to consume, but I am not sure about the ruler.

A house lizard just walked past the window.

A mug of coffee stands before me. I don't remember when I last used that mug. But I am pretty much certain about how the mug ended up in my room, and the person who gave me the mug.

She's right there in my Google Talk right now. Just a click away.

Just a click away.

* * *

Have you been in a tight situation where you saw the thing you have always wanted just a few inch away from you, but you did not reach out a hand for it because you were somewhat afraid that it does not even belong to you in the first place?

Imagine this: You see someone from which you missed so much in front of you but did you hell. You take a step one foot to the left (or right in certain cases) trying to be out of their way/vision, because you were afraid that just by saying the simplest 'hi' will cause a butterfly effect. And for this reason you decide to hide in the shadows, instead.

In your mind, things raced wide and around like a typhoon full with suggestions and doubts. You will be thinking, you will try to reason things out. In your mind, a part of it will torture you with doubts and uncertainties and bad comments, while the rest supports you, urging you to go ahead and do it anyway.

But for these reasons, you cannot make up your mind. You hide in the shadow hoping that you finally make it up, and by the time you did they are no longer there.

And the voices in your head get even louder. They said, "you are a plain nothing but just a coward." And so on. And for some cause, they affect you quite badly.

But you know, it is not cowardice at all. Being afraid is entirely normal. There is no such thing that makes you a coward by not pursuing something before you are done with your decision, complete with risk factor analysis and calculated error using every method possible, from the range of conventional statistics to numerical approach.

So you tell yourself that, "I should have done what I should." And that encourages the evil side of you to push you down even harder, which in the end you see yourself to settle at the same ground zero. You get this over and over, until somewhat it reaches a tipping point that will give you only two choices: get there, or get the hell out.

It is within my most excitement to inform that currently, I am on the way to this point.

* * *
Day #81 00:01

She went offline in just mere seconds.

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