Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Is This Some Kind of Joke?

This is going completely ridiculous already.

Now what are the odds, to be having the same dream over and over again for three nights in a row?

Though the venue took place at completely three different and unrelated places, the main characters remained the same. So did the acts and the words and the drama and others that followed, among other things.

The same eyes I had been staring into, looking for some definite answers that may be the only thing I would really love to know at this particular instance. The same hands that danced around me like angels do to a Christmas tree, touching me deep into my own core. The same smiles that brought me comfort and happiness throughout the nature of desolation that also, quite naturally, occurred to me at times.

The hugs, the kisses, the love.

What are all these, this streak of events that perfectly turned my days into my nights and my nights into days, on the account of how completely nonsensical time it is, for the way it decays. Is this some kind of joke?

Seriously, what reasons there may be, for you my mind, to have been having toying with me?

* * *

A balcony.

All I knew was, I was at an instant sudden appeared to be at a balcony, facing the sea, with only a bath robe on. Quite to my relief, the bath robe was black in color, not like any white other you could usually find off the shelf in Tesco or Giant, whichever store you prefer to go to. I was sitting on what appeared to be a sleek balcony chair, with both my arms resting on the armrests comfortable. In front of me was a small, round coffee table with a circular glass as its top and other parts made from metal.

And there she was, sitting with her legs crossed in front of me, a cup of steaming hot tea in her hand. She was wearing too a bath robe, only hers was soft pink in color. Her hair looked wet, to which I presumed she had just had her shower.

In my hand was a cigarette. I did not remember when I lighted it, but since it was there I took a puff of it anyway.

This place, the balcony, it seemed to be a place that I once visited quite some time ago. The setting sun shone quite strikingly but the sea breeze cooled me down as it blew. The weather looked promising, and the sea looked calm and blue as ever. At a far vicinity, one could inspect that the bluish surface of the sea changed gradually to greenish, somehow. I looked at the sea before I turned my attention to this person in front of me.

"Hello," I said.

She didn't reply. She sipped her tea once.


Three times and that was it. She placed the cup onto its base on the table, next to what appeared to be some Danish pastries and fruit spread. I tapped my cigarette ash into the ashtray which was on the table too, and I stared at her.

"Hello," she said, "hello, lovely one."

I did not reply that but to look at her, inspecting all details. Everything seemed to be legit and original. I knew what wind usually does to her hair. I recognized that lips. I knew that posture she was currently doing. That was her voice. The way she talked and they way she stared. This brought me endless and total confusion, not to mention the awkwardness I was currently feeling at the time.

And then she laughed. "Kenapa," she asked, "you seem so surprised?"

I coughed a little.

"I," her smiles bothered me a little, "I am not supposed to be here."

"Why not?," she looked even more relaxed now. "Aren't you in love with me?"

"I was, yes," I said. "And apparently I still am, I guess."

"That's good."

"I guess so."

And then the conversation died.

"You are not supposed to be with her, you know?" she proposed a question.

"Her?" I said. "Her who?"

"Rosy cheeks."


"She worths not even your single penny, for I must say," she continued. "In fact, she is not supposed to appear in your life at all. A pure illusion she is. A phantasm, a fallacy."

"How did you know all these?" I have every reason to be curious.

"Don't bother." She took another sip of her tea. "I just knew. In fact I knew a lot of things about you, you know?"

I wanted to say something of my thought that moment. But on a second thought I preferred to just shut up.

"She isn't worth a chase, darling, at all nothing" she leaned forward and rested her both arms on her legs while doing so, "while me here, worths everything."

I thought about this.

"I didn't mean to be this way: no one consulted me or considered my feelings in the matter, not even you" she continued saying. "I don't think it even occurred to you that I might have feelings. After you left..."

"I left?" I interrupted her. When did I leave, I must ask her for an answer. She otherwise gave me the stare that caused me to instantly zip it. She then continued:

"...after you left I suffered a little bit at first and then it inclined to be a little too much. And me with this terrible pain of missing you. I called for succour in my loneliness, but did you come? Did you hell. My first and only true friend was our memories."

She leaned back to her chair. I thought this was a good time to say something, anything.

"Funny," I said, "how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does."

She took a pastry and cut it in between before gently filling the void with some of the fruit spread. She held it in one hand, stood up, came next to me and signaled me to not to cross my legs no more. She then sat on my lap.

She looked at me with a soft look. She brushed my hair and she played with my lips using her fingers.

"Oh how I missed you," she said.

"You did?"

"I did."

She played with my eyebrows. She brushed the back of her fingers slowly on my cheek. She put down the pastry. She rested then her hand on my neck and she pulled me gently towards her, to which she planted a quick peck on my forehead. Then she hugged me and placed her head next to mine, her cheek against mine. I could hear and feel her breath. The smell of her hair and the scent of her perfume struck my nose.

"I love you," she whispered to my ear. "I will always love you, no matter how much hatred I have for you inside."

She then stood up and slowly pulled me by the neck into the room. Cold breeze from the air-conditioning stroke my skin. The room was well and cozily lighted, just like the way I liked it when I left it last time. There were roses on the bed, to which I landed on quite a few seconds after by a push from her. She then went on top of me and stared me in the eyes, and a series of those perfect kissed followed.

Whatever happened after that, is self-explanatory.

* * *

I just don't get it.

I just don't know what to do or what to get, in order for me to get it.

This has got to be some kind of joke. For long I sat in my chair, thinking about the dream over and over the whole morning, feeding myself up with endless supply of hot instant coffee and Oreo.

I was in my wudhu'. I read the verses before I closed my eyes, to keep me free not only from devils' trick, but the devils himself. I even hugged the Holy Koran when I slept.

Now how could it possibly be, that the dream to appear to be just another devils' trick, yet another joke? Thinking about this has not only sent shivers to my backbone but also some sense of deep and dark curiosity into my mind, quite strong enough to keep me occupied with the thoughts all day long.

Why the ghost of girlfriend past came haunting, three days in a row? And why must it be you? Why not Ana Ivanovic or Lena Heady (I prefer Ana anyway) or the like? And what's up with the smiles and the hugs and the kisses? And whatever that happened after that, that is self explanatory? And the pastry?

What is this? Is this some sort of subliminal message? Is it? Is it a sign from God Himself? Is it a telling that something is going to happen? Is it just another way to cheer me up? Or is it just another mean dark joke? What is it? What is this, what are all these?! My God I am so confused and nervous that I could challenge a vacuum cleaner for a 100m sprint another one time around, and still lose the race.

I am afraid to go to sleep tonight.


shera said...

mungkin kerana kamu terlalu memikirkan dia..

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

i did not. in fact i did not think about anybody at all but my own self. That's the tricky part.

LuTaNiA said...

I'm telling you dude...
She's the one!
Call her before you go to sleep tonite. :)

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

I can't. i am bounded by my own vow that she made me to speak of not to establish any contact anymore. second, i am quite concern that this time around I might be the jerk who thought things might be in his favor, only to know that all these are not only entirely spectacularly nonsensical but also just some dreams.

so she might say, "dream on, you."


shera said...

the dream = last chapter

who knws?

Farah said...

Always go to Him, ask for His guidance. You migt not necessarily get the answer instantly but He will answer. Be patient Jack.
Had d same dream too except for the self-explainatory part. For d whole week I saw him smiling at me from afar. So I pray for his safety, his happiness and pray that if he is really d one for me, may the obstacles along our meeting path be cleared.
Then I wait...next week d dream gone.