Wednesday, January 13, 2010

All I Ever Meant Was To Do Was To Say Sorry - And I Did It.

First of all, this is not an entry made in order for me to brag about anything.

In life, mistakes are meant to be forgiven.

However, commonly we see that mistakes are often forgiven after the ones who did it seek for apologies. And as expected too, these people who made the mistakes beforehand at times hardly ask for forgiveness at all. Now these could be contributed by many factors - ego, pride and dignity whatsoever, but little did we ever hear about fear that causes some to not to seek forgiveness from those who deserve them.

Now I was one of the latter.

* * *

As often as everybody else did them, I did mistakes too in the past.

Now the level of these mistakes vary from the highest degree to the lowest according to the way the community sees it. Pinching someone physically much to his annoyance is a little thing, but to unleash hell on someone by bashing him up half-dead is way bigger. This is how the community sees it. And when one did a mistake, one has the responsibility to say sorry to the person the mistakes was targeted to.

But I did nothing criminal. Only this one particular thing that had caused me going sleepless for many nights since day one.

Hundreds of days went past until I finally came to reason with it. I did come to reason with it many times, nevertheless fear to know about the reception of my apologies prevented me from pursuing with it. And then one day arrived to me that I said to myself, "all of this has to meet an end," and that was when I finally decided to seek apologies from a number of people who really deserved it. And this time, I was quite serious about it.

I bought a number of cards and instead of writing on the cards I wrote what I needed to say on blank papers. And I was right - many of these blank papers with my thought on them ended up in the dustbin, for I was not satisfied with them to my standard. I spent two days working on them to come out with the best I could.

And I finally did.

And then it took me another two days to just sit down and to stare at the cards, then sealed in a Pos-Ekspres envelope, and to ask myself if what I was going to do was the best to do. I was worried over the acceptance and the reactions from those who were going to receive them unknowingly. Now some of you might laugh at this, but very little do I care. What I went through was no laughing matter. It took me months to gather these amount of courage and bravery just enough to make me turn the other way from the usual one I took.

So I did it. I posted them letters. "Whatever happens," I said to myself, "happens."

My speculation was that the letter will reach the front gate of the receivers today, sometime in the afternoon. While I was doing all jolly in the morning, the sense of concerns grew along the clock as the sun started to decline. I got worried and edgy, for I have yet to receive anything at all at the moment. Hope was declining fast. I knew I should have not done that, for I knew the time was either too soon or too late, nothing in between.

As I see the sun set from the balcony of the five-storey building, I patted myself on the back and told to myself that it was alright, it was okay, though I definitely could tell that something could have went wrong. I gave up all hope.

When I came back to the small space I call room with mixed feelings, I sat down on my chair and lighted a cigarette up. My mind was racing with all the hypotheses and random, sometimes irrational inferences. The cigarette tasted nothing like usual. It was bad, way too bitter, and not calming as always.

I killed it and stroke my hair backward with two hands before landed my back on the chair, sloped down a little and rested my head with both of my hands behind them while looking at the empty ceiling. I let out a long sigh, and I closed both of my eyes.

That was when the phone rang, telling that a message just went in. With the movements similar to a giant sloth I slowly picked it up and read the fresh message.

Roughly it said, "you are forgiven."

* * *

I am not ashamed at all to admit that I wept for many minutes while smiling so broadly similar to those shown only on the faces of proud new fathers who have just been told about the birth of their first child. I am proud of myself because I did the right thing. I did it for myself, I did it by myself, and if I may say - I did it my way.

Though my heart is full with so many emotions right now that even if I could have written a book about them it needs twenty volumes altogether to describe about them fully, all I could say is just one word to express completely on how I would love to respond to this event:



Unknown said...




Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...


thanks shee shee. best ever! =D

W. Suhailaliza W. M. H. said...

o me lord!! i reaaaaallly love this one!!! really do! ::D

*jumping and hugging u if ure in front of me*

that's how it should be ::D