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Mighty Jacksparrow is an Earth-based sub-intergalactic blogger who enjoys writing and in the same time entertaining his ever-amusing will-kill-to-read fans with sensationally hilarious and at times dramatic musings. This blog offers endless ideas and results; they might be charming most of the times but could be offending in some others. Therefore, it is always noble to remind that if you enjoy the pieces, carry on reading, but if they upset you, do quietly leave like the evening breeze and not like exploding diarrhea, which exactly what you will look like if you ever lose it on me. Enjoy! :D

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Cinderella: The Legend


Once upon a time in quite a faraway land, best not to be described by distance in order to preserve its sentiment, there was a beautiful country that, despite it being outstandingly neat for a country, was never mentioned in any historical evidence to prove its existence but nevertheless mentioned as a set from which this story took place, and by having it stated the writer was expecting to receive not at all a question about just the hell why would he mention such a beautiful, hope-promoting imaginary place for this particular story that should have begun by now but yet to because he needs to make everyone clear before proceeding. If everyone is clear about it then we shall proceed.

Alright.

In that country lived one, despite his mountain-worth of money and possessions, lonely widowed man that had been living in extreme loneliness for almost twenty years since his wife passed away after delivering their only child, a sensationally beautiful daughter that was then in her early twenties. Although she was indeed an eye-popping damsel, she never attended any proper education institute whatsoever because her father, the widowed man, became so messed up after the death of his wife that he abandoned his duty as a father and instead let his daughter to grow by herself, totally uneducated and as many would have already figured, best known as the town idiot.

But no one knew that this idiot had one day became a legend of the country, from which the reason will only be revealed at the end of this story.

Strangely enough, the widowed man one day decided that he had had enough and decided to marry a widowed woman with two slightly older daughters than his. When the second wife and her daughters arrived at the house for the first time, they asked him about his daughter, who was at the time seen to be sitting by herself on a piece of rock next to the fireplace.

The man of was speechless. It slowly came to his mind that, quite to his own amusement, he did not even name her since she was born twenty years back. In fact he didn't much realize about her existence at all, for she was taken care of by the servants of a hundred and two in total since birth, and always mistakenly took her as one of them each time they bumped into each other at any part of the house, which was too pretty messed up. Not wanting to be seen as a complete joke to his new family, he quickly gathered information about what he saw when he looked at his daughter and her surrounding. After around a minute of intensely-hard thinking moment, he finally told them that her name was Cinderella, after the rock segment she was sitting on at the time that was a cinder type, completely rejecting the first two names he came out with; Lady Arserock and Little Miss Pebble, in the name of decency and maturity values of this story.

To cut the story short, her father somehow died the first night he was in bed with his new wife. Not wanting to spoil the entire town's sense of humor, the police classified his death as natural death, though they found him that morning to follow up with the second wife's report about the unfortunate incident covered in what appeared to be plentiful of leather garments, colorful rubber balls, a six-foot long whip and spots of whipped cream with cherries on top. Following this incident, the second wife became somewhat a flaming-hot celebrity among the policemen for quite some time, and is still believed until today as the real reason why the town lost thirteen policemen in the course of three months after that, all from natural causes as confirmed by the police, due to the fact that she was seen to be the scenes with those dead cops just a few hours before their deaths were reported.

She was then known as the town whore, causing her to painfully retreated to her late husband's house and stayed there as to remain low for a while with the three daughters; two of her own and another will be Cinderella.

Now Cinderella, since the death of her father, was forced by the Stepmother (from whom was referred to as The Whore or codename 'W' as encouraged by the 102 servants of the house) to work as a general worker in the house with never at all any specific field of job. She fixed the plumbing issues, mowed the lawn, washed the horse-cart, bathed the horse, bought groceries, cooked, did the laundry, provided manicure and pedicure service to W and her daughters (later known as the Pears; one reason because they were always in pair, and another thing was because both of them owned the biggest female bottoms ever recorded in the country since the dawn of mankind), picked up the newspaper, set the fireplace, guarded the house, and also assisted the Pears to move around due to their extremely huge bottoms.

In the same time, the Prince of the country, was desperate enough to get married that he would pick anyone as his wife or, unless he did so, he will be forced to marry his own cousin, who held the title the Country Whore, an advanced supreme title a few levels higher than the one currently at the time held by W. The Prince despised his cousin so much that he was once heard to say that "I would have married a pig than to marry that woman, the Country Whore," but later pulled back that statement after a few of the country's finest pigs were brought before him, one to be chosen as the royal bride, from which he offensively refused that the royal guards had to slaughter all the pigs to stop him from crying and stomping his feet wildly on the castle ground.

As to ease his search for a wife, the Prince ordered for a ball to be held at the castle in three days time, and later changed it to that day's evening itself, and all available ladies were invited to attend. Hearing this, W, being a whore she was, insisted to go to the ball together with the Pears; a trick she pulled so that, comparatively to the Pears, she was the most appealing, because she had not the biggest butt in the history of the country. This was somewhat overheard by Cinderella, who was then unclogging the sewage pipeline that was clogged starting from the Pears' room toilet all the way to the town's main underground sewage junction, a phenomenon that oftentimes occurred after the Pears had too much meat in their meals days before.

Cinderella decided to go to the ball, for she was indeed looking for a new challenge. The Prince surely owned a kickass big castle, and that could mean that there were many lawns to be mowed, more pipes to be unclogged and more other relatively challenging house chores that she found extremely interesting to participate in. But as to notice her completely unappealing clothes features, she gave it up a few seconds after and instead focused on what she was doing - unclogging the clogged pipeline. And then somewhat in a completely unexpected and unplanned accident, she knocked her legs against the wall of the pipeline that made her to yell out loud, "holy shit!"

And almost at an instant, a ray of light started to radially shine in front of her right at the end opening of the pipeline, that was also the toilet bowl, blinding her for a few seconds. When she gained back her sights, she saw somewhat a little fairy that at first looked like a seriously hot-looking woman with seriously curvy physical appearance but soon appeared to be a confirmed hermaphrodite once Cinderella noticed her extremely flashy, out-of-the-earth kind of attire.

"Hello," the fairy happily greeted Cinderella, "I am the toilet fairy being summoned when you cursed just now." Right when Cinderella wanted to say something, the fairy cut into her speech and continued, "not to be completely mistaken with Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, I am not as disgusting. I strongly assure you that me and him are not at all related, and I am here to help you with anything that you need."

And so Cinderella gave the fairy her first task - to unclog the sewage pipeline, from which the fairy finally completed in a handful amount of a total three hours, before being ordered to complete the rest of the house chores, from which the fairy did without a complain being logged in. And then once W and the Pears left the house for the ball, Cinderella ordered the fairy to do something so that she too could attend the ball. This let the fairy, as to make Cinderella pay for making her (or him, whichever applicable) do all the chores, insisted Cinderella to find a pumpkin, a rat, four mice and a lizard before she could do anything, from which Cinderella, over the course of the next three hours managed to find them all.

"So are you going to put a spell on them like the story said?" asked Cinderella to the fairy, from which the fairy replied by shaking her (his?) head. "Nope," the fairy said. "I was just messing with you. By the way I have called the horse limo and the dress rental. They could be here any minute now."

And they indeed did.

Cinderella put on the dress the rental service provided and she was annoyed to notice that her shoes were made of glass, but didn't say anything about it, though when worn the completely unpadded, 3-inch stiletto shoes were killing her toes and heels. She threw herself into the horse-limo and the fairy soon slammed the door close before telling her to be careful with the dress and all and come back home before midnight because the rental for the limo and dress will end by that time, and that the bill will soon be debited from W's account.

And then the limo dashed to the castle, which was not too far at all and took only three minutes travel time before it arrived at the entrance of the castle where the Prince, after greeting almost a thousand ladies including W, the Pears and his awful cousin the Country Whore, stopped the cart and was about to greet Cinderella who apparently was the last to arrive when he suddenly saw the extreme beauty and appealing features that Cinderella presented, including the completely unpadded, 3-inch stilettos she was wearing. He quickly ordered the guards to ask all the other guests to leave and return home as immediately, and to open fire to those who ignore and/or resist to do so. As a result, at least thirty-five people were shot dead, among them were W, who still insisted to meet the Prince nevertheless, and the Pears, who were too tired to move around after parading their ass around the ballroom since their arrival.

Cinderella was then brought to another ballroom by the Prince himself in order not to scare her with the massacre that happened in the other room, and they both had their entertainingly pleasing night together, and by the look of it the Prince was clearly pleased with her, until when the bell from the tower started to ring indicating that the time was then midnight. In panic, Cinderella jumped over the royal dinner table and ran full speed to the entrance, leaving the confused Prince behind, only to see that the limo was about to leave. She quickly pulled her dress up and started running down the stairs as to chase after the limo, a decision that proved to be a disastrous one when she accidentally stepped on her other foot and rolled down the stairs, covering over a full twenty-foot distance, before hitting on the ground, face first. When she stood up, the limo was gone and the Prince was still behind her, causing her to put off both her shoes and dashed to leave the royal compound.

She reached home safely but was charged double the next morning over the loss of both pair of shoes rented to her by the rental service.

In the meantime at the royal compound, the Prince was still sitting at the gate into the castle with the two royal guards who were completely surprised by his presence. The Prince looked very miserable, clearly the result from losing the only lady that had astonished him completely the night before. All he had was a pair of shoes that she wore, by a lady he did not even remember her name because he was busy checking her out the whole time. Frustrated, he ordered the royal guards to look for the one who can wear such shoes, for he was sure that there was only one person that could wear them, and that person has got to be the lady he fell in love with less than twelve hours ago.



And so the search begun.


* * *


The expedition to find the girl whose feet could fit in the glass shoes took a total of three months, and during the search there were more than three hundred women, including the underage and the menopause, managed to perfectly fit and wear the shoes, for the shoe size was not uncommon in the country. This had led the Prince to break down and decided to reside in his castle for the rest of his life from his extreme frustrations and was later reported to be mentally-retarded as a result from the prolonged period of grieving. This provided his cousin the Country Whore a golden opportunity to claim the throne and ruled the country as the first female of such kinds to have such power over the entire kingdom before she died of HIV a few years after. She was later replaced by her daughter, who proved to be the grandest of her mother's kind but somewhat managed to keep the economy at best despite the whole commotions.

Cinderella suffered for a long time from very bad injuries on her face following her fall the night she rolled down the castle stairs while attempting to chase after the limo. She dared not to open the door of the house, that had since belonged to her after the deaths of W and the Pears, when the royal guards came to ask for anyone who could wear the glass shoes, twice. She did attempt to have facial makeover using the newly-developed plastic surgery technique but died on the operation table on her third visit.

During her funeral the rental service people came to claim their overdue bills, and that was how the crowds were made known that she was the person to have caused the Prince to go haywire and ever since had been the talk of the town for the next twenty-six generations, from which her stories were re-created over and over to produce what we today know as the fairytale story about the same person, only that the stories differ in a lot of places.

And from then on, from truly a local idiot, she became the legend.


4 comments:

Wan Nur Aishah Wan Ali said...

Hahahahahahahaa couldn't stop laughing!

Thumbs up!

Mighty Jacksparrow said...

hahahahaha thanks aisha..!! =D

El Moe de la Rocha said...

wow, u're paving your way to become the next Tim Burton.

:D

KU-FUCKIN-DOS!

Mighty Jacksparrow said...

takdelah bro. biasa-biasa saja :D thanks for reading bro!