Sunday, May 16, 2010

A Promise To Break

I have never openly talk about my relationship.

Especially the last one.

But lately the amount of questions that came about were too tiring to handle. It's a good thing that I have yet to decide whether or not I should open a Formspring account, though I think the application is just another instant way for a fame makeover, unless I would have seen myself stuck all day to answering these questions among the unrelated others. By the look of it, probably I shouldn't at all, at least not until this total, unexplainable hype that started to peak sometime a month ago settle down over time.

So let's look about what I have to say about my past relationship.

* * *

First, I wasn't the person who left.

In fact I stayed all along, despite the many unfortunate incidents that at times really did force me to make a decision to split up. These includes the totally unnecessary arguments and strong turmoils in emotions that had relocated me again and again on the scale of love each time it happened. The relationship was indeed intense, sometimes with a lot of love and sometimes with a lot of hate. Confusion started to build up fast and fierce, and before I knew it it was already happening.

I held on to my promise to never to leave. And I did till the end.

If there is anything I would want to say about the relationship that finally went haywire, it would be this: the relationship, after a series of carefully-done thinking and re-evaluations, could be the biggest mistake I have ever done in my whole entire life. This was not because any of us was too wonderful for each other, neither too was any of us was too bad, but merely because although in major things we were somehow fit in together, there were too many little things that over the time together had accumulated and finally became an obstruction for the both of us to submit to.

Many of you did ask me the real reason why I didn't at all talk about my past relationship.

Well the reason being was simple; there was nothing else to talk about anymore. No matter how the reminiscence are explored, the fact that we split (though the word 'we' here is highly argumentative) would never change at all. Once the lightning strikes the rock, it splits into two, and that's it.

And when a number of freelance, self-proclaimed analysts came over to analyze things, I simply told them to just walk along, for there was nothing else to prove. It doesn't matter who was right or wrong; because relationship is the only vessel where two captains are allowed to decide the direction to go, and disagreements are always imminent. There is no escape to conflict, and that should be the first thing you have to know before you set to sail with someone whom you thought was very pleasant in land but otherwise in the open sea.

I am not very sure about what she would say, good or bad (but commonly in this world people usually give strong impressions on the latter), about me behind my back but if you ask me whether I would listen to it, I would have to decline. First reason has got to be because I am no longer subjected to her nor anyone, and I do not see the needs for me to listen to what she needs to say, best because I am not her first audience. Let her audience listen and what they need to do about it after that is totally out of my business, hence me keeping to my won perimeter all these while.

Except when some of them actually came over to ask me a few things in order to obtain a finer justice, I accepted them with open arms and let them hear my story. This of course I appreciated; at least I didn't go unnoticed and unheard. To become a good judge, you have to listen to both parties, and then only you make a decision. Best, don't become a judge at all, for the only who can precisely judge things at best is not human after all.

Second, I was not brought up as someone who label people whatsoever. I could be arrogant and the likes, with every big or little flaw you see as completely unacceptable for human to possess, but I try hard not to talk bad about others. My parents did a good job with that, and I am proud to say that I could be one of the persons you knew that gossip very less, nor condemn others at his best. Plus there is no logic behind it at all. There is no benefit to it at all, to trash other people just because they are not in line with the one we are following.

That is purely childish and immature, and I certainly do not have what it takes to bring myself so low to that point. In fact, I have lost all that it takes - I am a grown up, and I should behave like a grown up. If she needs to speak her piece then let her. I don't need to, and I don't see the need to.

I have had my shares and she had hers. We were happy then and we were sad, we were joyful and we were mad. Apart from some very little sacrifices I made to keep the relationship going, I did not really lose anything. In my position, there is nothing else to worry about.

And I have reached to a point where nothing could make me tick anymore. I am now calmer, happier, and freer than ever. I no longer need to entertain and spend like I used to do in an excess no one could ever really understand. I never shopped this much in my life. I never laugh this loud too. And never at all I thought I could be surrounded with these beautiful, handsome and strictly worth more than US yearly budget put together in twenty-five freaking years. Imagine, I built catacombs over my world for almost a year, secluding myself from the globe, failing to see the beauty of things around me, subjecting myself to just one person who in the end brought benefits of none to my life.

And lastly, there was a time when I was asked if I ever will get back to her should the day comes. Well I did make a promise during when I was in the relationship, that I would wait no matter what happened. Seeing that I did hold to my earlier promise that I will never leave, one may consider that I am still hanging to this one last promise I made.

Very little did they know, that that promise has already been broken.


El Moe de la Rocha said...

"This was not because any of us was too wonderful for each other, neither too was any of us was too bad, but merely because although in major things we were somehow fit in together, there were too many little things that over the time together had accumulated and finally became an obstruction for the both of us to submit to."

Wow. Dejavu.

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

same thing happened to you, perhaps?