The feelings that don't always occur
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Many told me that I am intelligent.
That I am a nerd. A geek. An intellectual being that stands out far beyond the average of the population in terms of education background. The sort of persons from which many have mixed feelings towards. This often occur when they read my blog and soon they cry out loud, "Oh my Lord, this young man is special!"
Talented, gifted, smart, clever, brilliant, masterly phenomenon.
But it is actually worthy to note that I started just like the all of you readers; I was born a clueless baby, I made my way up as a curious kid and somewhere along the line I got lucky and ended up here at exactly where I am now. I don't specifically categorize myself as intelligent; there are still some certain problems I cannot solve, some daily questions I cannot answer and some technical jobs that I cannot carry out, for instance, I cannot solve sometimes the easiest of nursery riddles, nor I can tell you what specifically are the ingredients needed to cook a nice hot pot of rendang, let alone fixing metals parts together by means of arc welding.
Hell I can't even tell what is there in the head of a cockroach when it stares at me in the eyes when both of us cross each other in a series of common ultimatum where we often share both winnings and losses.
We were brought up with the generalization about intelligent people; they don't mix with the crowds much, they spend most of their times in laboratories in their white coats doing experiments or molesting a group of unwilling mice, that all they do all day are reading CPU-thick books and deriving super-complex ten-level mathematical integration calculation on chalkboards, that they wear thick glasses and at times have evil thoughts in their heads about taking over the world. All these things, though at times may be true, may also be untrue at many other events.
I would want to be different than that. I don't want people to start having thoughts in their minds each time I fulfill their inquiries on what I currently am doing. I don't want my students to feel the distance between me and them. I don't want the people I go out with to feel inferior and as a result not to have any discussion with me about anything at all. This of course are not made up, for they have occurred to me in the past. The standard of treatments often are different to us academicians than to other groups of social sapiens, as if we only belong to our kinds with similar level of intelligence.
Come to think of it, I still am just like everybody else.
I play guitar. I play computer games. I tweet and I have a Facebook account and spend a lot of time in them. I listen to a variety of songs; rock, rap, ballad, jazz and instrumental. I still wear shorts and faded t-shirts and some el-cheapo foot sandals wherever I go. I still laugh at myself whenever I make foolish mistakes at times. I still loiter at mamak outlets till early in the morning. Hell, I even smoke tobacco too.
There's nothing much to differ me from others except probably the extensive curiosities towards everything.
And come to think of it again, I didn't continue my postgraduate studies just so that I can make use of my intelligence, that is not even there in the first place. I am no intelligent guy. The reason why I continued my studies was simple - I was curious about this whole biomass mambo-jumbos, apart from to have my clear way of access to UTP library where I can plant myself on the cushy sofas in completely air-conditioned surrounding reading on cookbooks, novels and sometimes kid's bedtime stories every damn daytime. It's a nice place anyway; imagine, so many interesting books on so many interesting subjects - love, romance, psychology, literature, history, men and women, anatomy, drugs, explosive materials, crime, war, diseases, animal societies, photography, music, fictions, science, engineering and many unmentioned others - that sometimes from reading a book about frogs I could end up reading on astrophysics.
It's just like Google and Wikipedia, anyway.
So I hope from here you guys can see how I personally am, with only just one aspect that for years have been digging a gap in between us due to incredible misunderstandings. I still am a human being, and despite this critically-debated status and standards between ordinary commoners and the upper class of academicians, I still behave like a human; I still have feelings and sensations towards everything around me (although at times I really could be the coldest of a bastard) and I believe there is nothing scary about me at all. Therefore, I hope that I can expand my relationship with the many of you without having to go through the usual, "oh you're the smart guy and I am just nobody" kind of thing.
So let's just sit back and relax, and together we seize the moment, for this seconds of time will never return to us anymore. Cherish it, love it, remember it.