Saturday, June 12, 2010

Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty

Let's recap on the stories of the legendary Cinderella and the heroic Mr Stupid who both were mentioned about in two separate stories not a little too long ago in this blog. Still remember them? Very good, very good. At least you people have stronger memories than that of a goldfish that currently proven to only have 8-seconds memory regardless of physical size, age and gender.

Enough with scientific fact now.

Today we are going to go through another epic adventure of a true hero in the pursuit to save his true love from a certain degree of disaster; a romantic adventure where there are a lot of unnecessary violence, extreme missions and a foolhardy journey of men in finding what we casually refer to as the true lovers. This is not a common story you occasionally bumped into unwillingly in the book stores, for this is a story so great no publishers in the world would even have the second thought of re-reviewing it; an epic story of love, courage, bravery, heroism and determination that no men today will have even the slight chance to practice. Though generally the characters in this discussion are still, as always, typical; a charming, handsomely-looking prince in his prime age that once seen will not only melt the ladies but as well as the corrupt, devastatingly desperate male homosexuals, a beautiful princess that is so beautiful she makes Megan Fox a paragon joke, and of course the story is not complete without involving the good and the bad fairies.

So before we start, I would like to remind you all that this is not just another fable story.

This is the story of the Sleeping Beauty.

* * *

Not a little too far away from the town of Dumbshire, that at the time was yet to take foundation, there was once a small country that set place five hundred years before Dumbshire was open for residents. The country was remembered as one of the few pioneers that started the bigger nation that was formed later on despite its perimeter size that was so small. In fact, the country was so small that within its perimeter there were only a castle that accommodated all the country's 35 residents, a 24-hour grocery store that was built next to the castle to supply the residents with everyday items, and in between these two a miniature lighthouse that had no earthly business doing there, for the country's location was on a plain surrounded with mountains and valleys and hills but never at all sea. This had caused certain confusions to the residents but seeing that there was no difference whether or not the lighthouse was there, other than wasting a great amount of capital and blocking the view to the east, they decided to move on with life and cared less about it.

But that was a grave mistake they did.

It is wise to note that in the lavatory at the top of the lighthouse 30 feet above the ground level lived an evil female fairy named Susan that roamed the lighthouse since she last scared the lighthouse operator half to death by poking a fork on his butt that one time when he rested his bottom on the porcelain toilet bowl to relief himself from a certain foreseen danger from not attending quickly to the active bowel movement he had that day. Prior to the poking, the operator freaked out, left the toilet with his trousers still down at his ankles and accidentally stepped on himself at the edge of the spiral staircase, causing him to spin all the way down to the ground to his death. He was found later that day by a national guard who wanted to take a leak at the sidewall of the lighthouse, butt naked with a fork sticking out on one cheek of his bottom.

That had certainly caused the guard to get way too nervous that he peed in his pants, causing the entire squad of four guards to be made mandatory to wear adult napkins during work hour in order to attend to this kind of unexpected occasions. As for the lighthouse operator, his death was made a secret from the public as to not alarm the population and his body was flushed through a giant refuge pipeline all the way into the underground sewage system and later came back to life as a fairy who lived in the underground sewage system. The only way to summon him was to yell 'holy shit' real loud like Cinderella did, but that only occurred 500 years after the day he came back to life.

Now a few days after that the king of the country decided to wipe out the lighthouse to get rid of the evil fairy Susan as well as to make way for the country's first four-lane highway that was to connect the castle to the grocery store and back. And so the guards, all four of them, were ordered to take down the lighthouse by setting it on fire, because other than the roof that was made of clay, the whole infrastructure was built from wood so more or less it the job was very easy to do especially when Susan was inside so that the fire will cook her pretty nicely for dinner later. They first set the foundation on fire and then they all went to the grocery store to buy some beverages to drink while looking at the building being burnt to ashes. When they entered the store, the unthinkable happened.

They all were stopped by Susan at the entrance to the grocery store - in her hands were plastic bags containing some fishes and vegetables, apparently someone was doing some shopping, and a packet of female sanitary pad, and judging from the last item all four guards knew that that was a very wrong time of the month to burn someone's residence, and their fear increased by the minute when they knew that the resident was standing in front of them at the moment and they already had started burning her house.

"Curse you all," said Susan. "I curse this microscopic country for burning my house! When your princess reaches her adulthood, she will be hurt from a needle of a spinning wheel and she will fall asleep until someone special wakes her up. And so will you all!"

Susan then popped and disappeared, causing all the guards to shit in their pants. But thanks to the generous supply of adult napkins by the government, they all were able to wear their pants for more days to come without the hassle to cleaning them up extensively.

The story reached the king pretty much soon, causing him to summon the castle's fairy and the joker, the latter for no apparent reason. According to the castle's fairy, the curse was irreversible and the only way to prevent this was to either destroy all the spinning wheel in the country, all three of them, or to kill the princess. "Either way it works," said the fairy confidently. Hearing this, the joker burst into laughter and laughed while rolling around the hall at random pattern for finding the case somewhat hilarious, infecting the other two of the castle guards, and finally the fairy too because the laughter was damn infectious, causing all of them to be executed at once for not taking the serious problem seriously enough.

But the king did the necessary and destroyed all the three spinning wheels, causing the only person who manufactured threads from cottons using the traditional by-hands method at the time to lose all the three competitors and successfully created a monopoly empire in only three months of trading time soon after that. The king too imprisoned his princess at the top of the tower of the castle away from everyone, but despite of all the heavy commotion and the speculations of how high the tower actually was, the fact is that the tower was only three-storey high, merely because the castle itself was only a single-storey building and the king himself was scared of height.

And so the time went on painfully for the king that he lost weight over worrying too much whether or not Susan's curse will one day happen. For full four years he was worried until one day his heart just could not take anymore of the completely discouraging and good-for-nothing worrying that it finally quit its job and went for static retirement instead. The country went mourning for two days over the death of the king and went back to normal as if nothing happened on the third day, business opened as usual.

To cut the story short, a common cock-up took place in the government office soon after that that the then 17-years old princess who was at all time imprisoned was ordered to be released for no apparent reason at all, and was free to roam the castle at her wish. And by this time there was a commoner among all the commoners who lived in the country had to disobey the law and started building a spinning wheel as to making his dream a reality in challenging the then thread-making tycoon in the industry. Now this commoner happened to also be a helper in the castle, and he built his spinning wheel, one part after another in the room where the princess was imprisoned before that. And what soon happened was already expected - the curious, stubborn-to-feet young princess happened to sneak into the room and injured herself from touching the spinning wheel's needle that caused her to instantly, according to the witnesses, fall asleep with no possible way to wake her up anymore.

Susan's curse was already happening.

One by one of the country's resident fell asleep too soon after that, following the epic tragedy that struck their princess. Thorny plants started to grow around the perimeter of the country, blanketing the entire place with no possible way to enter and exit. The country disappeared over time and maps, became long forgotten until at least three hundred years after that.

Not too far from there was another country that developed a few years after the small country disappeared. There lived a king and her queen and their only son; a prince so charming that the whole population decided to address him as Prince Charming, or PC - easy to recognize, easy to remember they said. Now this PC was one terribly spoiled child that according to the folks of the country as one who 'needs to be slapped over and over so that he grows up a real man', most probably from their growing concerns on their prince that over days was turning into a woman. To handle this situation, they urged the local shaman to give a visit to the castle and cock up some stories so that the prince will leave the country and save their future fate of being ruled by one pussy king.

And so the shaman did.

"At the end of the forest," the shaman told the king and family, "there was a lost country, a long forgotten place where no men have been since, and there lies a beautiful princess who fell asleep from an unfortunate incident along with her people, waiting for their savior to come." He then pointed at the prince, make one hell of a serious face and said, "and that savior is you."

And so the prince finally decided to leave the country to find the lost glory of a disappeared nation far deep at the end of the forest. This had caused the entire population to gather around the castle to cheer the prince up prior to his adventure with only one thought in their minds; the faster he leaves the better. And they cheered upon the local shaman for cocking up a story so neat that the whole royal family bought it, but very little did they know that the shaman had not only accidentally revealed a historical event that really did take place but also pointed at the right direction where the lost country was, accurate to 1-meter precision.

That was seriously a big, big mistake that will soon lead to their own terror.

* * *

What happened was this:

The PC did find the lost country that was then surrounded with poisonous, thorny plants. He sprayed an enormous amount of pesticides and wiped out the whole inhabitants to make way into the castle. He successfully woke up the princess by kissing her lips, and almost as suddenly all the country's sleeping people woke up as well. They thanked the PC and threw a slumber party for him before telling him to be on his way back to his country to prepare for an incoming wedding. This of course caused some excitements in the PC and so he dashed back to where he belonged just on foot and arrived long before his own horse, the fastest in three hundred miles radius, did.

Back in the lost country, the security guards were curious of how the PC woke their princess up. And so they went through the security camera, that for no historical reference and any explanation whatsoever happened to have had been equipped around the castle and running at all time for a full three hundred years period, only to find out from the footage that before the PC kissed their princess, he went through her drawers to check out on her undergarment collections and even did a few things that were totally indecent to her and to the people who were at the time still sleeping; so indecent that if the acts are mentioned here, this blog will be straight away forced to terminate and thrown into the dustbin by tomorrow morning for promoting indecent activities through writing and literature.

And that sure did caused some stirs in the once lost tiny nation.

Prior to this findings the small nation declared a war with the PC's country and followed up with a number of serious upfront attacks that not only destroyed the preparation for the incoming wedding but also killed everyone in both countries by the end of the war time exactly a hundred year after that except the princess and the PC, who both ended up in a totally bizarre, ironic, wicked and nonsensically romantic relationship that they right away started producing the very early generation of what we today know as the people in which Cinderella and Mr Stupid came from.

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