Sunday, July 25, 2010

A Big Bird Shitting Into Your Mouth

Looking back, there were always unexpected but nevertheless amazing things I received in my email inbox each day. 

The emails came from a lot of sources, and I found them to be very entertaining; the bigger the news it brought in, the more entertaining it became. Often automatically ended up in my junk mails section, let's go through some of them that I happened to still have in the box:

1. "One Goddamn Million Pound Sterling you have just won, sir."
There we go - an email came in and told that I won a lottery that worths one goddamn million pound sterlings. Wow! What a bloody way to tell me that I won a goddamn million pounds via email, and how surprising it was indeed to know that I fortunately won the lottery despite the fact that I never have bought any lottery ticket my whole life from any local 4D Toto shops, let alone the UK national lottery! What a charming surprise! Moooommm I won one meeeeeeelion pounds!

2. "Offer! A Bottle of Viagra at $10 each!"
WOW! A whole bottle of those blue happy pills at only ten bucks each? No shit?! Mother-freaking great, that should be the best offer ever! I have no bloody idea why would I need those pills at this age but what the hell. Forget the bottle, give me a pail of them instead. So how much would it cost, say, five bucks now? Five bucks oh yeah. Give me another pail, just in case.

3. "I need your help on USD 40 million inheritance money transfer."
No freaking kidding? You're freaking dying over there, and you need to move forty goddamn million dollars of your money into my account? And you don't even know my full name? Where do you live again, sir? Botswana? So when will you die, anyway? Can I have your daughters too perhaps? Hey you don't happen to own some Rolls Royce do you? You do? Great! Bank those shits in too.

4. "For security purposes, we need you to verify your Maybank account."
God-freaking-damn it! You could be the best security check ever! Not only you are able to trace me down to my email and remind me about those possible threats where my account could be hacked any minute now, you could also offer to protect an account that I have never ever had opened my whole life with Maybank! Great! Now the dying Botswana guy can transfer his USD 40 million into my now super-secure Maybank account along with that one goddamn million pound sterlings lottery that I won!

5. "Forward this letter to 10 different people in your email address or you will die in 3 seconds. Trust me, IT WILL HAPPEN!"
Whaaaatt..?! No shits? But how could I actually forward the whole thing when doing those will already cost me more than 3 seconds? And I only have 3 people in my email address and the rests are kangaroos and other marsupials, so how could I forward the email to 10 people? Noooo I don't want to freaking die! I cannot die now! I have not spent not a single cent of the money I somewhat won from the UK lottery and the money the dying Botswana guy wanted me to help him with (he'd better be dead by now oh God please just bless him), and I still have a pail of Viagra I have yet to use and another pail of it too, just in case! 

To the readers: It is to note that by now you should have realized that your emails have been hacked into via a bug that is planted at the beginning of this article. Please send me your email addresses and the passwords for me to neutralize it. In order to compensate your losses, I will pay you fifty (50) million francs to each of you via wire transfer from The National Bank of Mombasa, therefore I need your bank account numbers and the PINs as well. As a complimentary gift, each of you will receive a pail of Viagra. FORWARD THIS BLOG TO ALL YOUR FAMILIES, FANS, FRIENDS AND FOES OR YOU WILL HAVE BAD LUCK FOR THIRTY-FIVE GENERATIONS AND EVERY TIME YOU WAKE UP FROM SLEEP THERE WILL BE A BIG BIRD WAITING ABOVE YOU AND TAKES A DUMP IN YOUR MOUTH!!! 


redblaque said...

handsomely entertaining. i like this.

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

thank you, dearest Nadia ;)