Monday, September 20, 2010

Piranha Craps

So I went to The Curve the other day with Miss Banker.

We'll talk about Miss Banker later, because in this post I would like to touch on the movie we both went to watch - Piranha. 

As most of us know, Piranha is a member of Characidae family in Characiformes order in the animal kingdom. Though very much legless and on top of all just a fish, this freshwater specimen is known for its sharp teeth and its huge appetite for meat. This fairly celebrated animal has been taken into film industry since years back when the first Piranha movie was released for worldwide shows. 

I'm not going to review the movie because I think, despite its huge collection of curvy chicks in wet, mini bikinis, it is completely rubbish.

I didn't enjoy the movies at all because my mind was trying hard to explain some of the few events in the movie that I could not understand and fairly explain, other than to bear with the high-pitch screaming from Ms. Banker each time the piranhas went and bit some people butts off. In order to explain my own doubts, lets take a look at some of the questions that I came to ask during the movie show:

1. Prehistoric Piranhas. 

So the piranhas were from the prehistoric ages. They were trapped in a secluded lake under another and were released into the upper lake when there was an earthquake that created an opening that connected the two lakes together. For two million years the piranhas were trapped in there and the only way for them to survive was cannibalism, which means the strong ones ate the weaker ones to ensure survivability. Fine, I am totally fine with it. But just how the hell did they all breath all these while? Don't they need oxygen to breath? From where did the oxygen came from? From their butts each time they took a crap? And imagine how much  craps had they laid on the bed of the lake for two million years - didn't the water become contaminated or something? Can anybody explain about what happened to all those tonnes of carbon dioxide and methane whatsoever that were released for two million years in an underground, secluded lake?

2. Dynamic Evolution

For two million years the piranhas were trapped in an underground cave with no light source whatsoever. When they were released to the upper lake, they still have eyes. To understand this, we look at the evolution of species. 

When a pair of normal man and woman is made to live in a dark cave all the time and creates a generation worth two million years of time, they will first lose their eyes because the organs slowly evolute and disappear, for they are no longer needed as one of the main sensory system organs. Their younger generations will be blind, but as a result will as well develop sharper senses from auditory and other sensory body parts - skin for example. This goes to many other animals as well. For instance, most of the fishes that live far in deep water ocean are blind. 

These piranhas were stuck for two million years and still have eyes. Not only that, they were fast and furious as well, indicating that their fins and mobility were never at all impaired these two million years. And worst of all, they still remember the smell of mammal's blood. 

How impressive.

3. The Bombing

When the piranhas were released to the upper lake, they were so freaking hungry that they went for breakfast right away. This explains the mass feast at the beach of the big lake. There were so many people were eaten alive and died in the water, enough for the piranhas to keep for one week supply. 

And out of no reasons at all, they all left to another location probably miles away to eat on other humans, the hero and heroines of the movie who were stuck in a boat after it hit surfacing rocks, leaving all the fancy corpses behind. So here's the question - why the F would such a fish left a barbecue party behind for a plate of jellyfish? 

And then the guy with both his legs bitten to none but just bones - he managed to collapse and faint for a few moment, only to wake up minutes after that to mumble some craps and dropped dead after that. How could a person, with most of his blood was drained after his veins were cut open, still be alive for like what, more than fifteen minutes? Try cut both your legs off and see how long could you stay alive if you don't believe me.

And then again both the hero and the heroine were submerged underwater after the hero released the flare into the compartment of the sinking boat that was by then had been filled with cooking gas. And then the hero waited for his savior who was at the time on a speedboat to pull them out from the bloodbath. Let's recap - first, the big boat the hero and the heroine were on board hit some big rocks and sank. Now these rocks were to big that you could see them in between the big boat and the smaller boat, protruding out from the bed of the lake. Now the hero and the heroine were exactly behind those rocks, holding to a rope that connected them to the smaller speed boat, expecting the speed boat to pull them away. 

Won't they slam into the rocks first when the speed boat take off? You should look at how fast the speed boat went when it was pulling them both underwater. With that speed, the boat can easily rip the hero's body into two when it pulls the rope that was tied at the waist of the hero. No. You won't get both of them alive at the end of the story. You'll be lucky if you pull them as freaks with no head and legs from the water. 

And then the big boat blew out and all the piranhas died. ALL of them. Do me a favor, someone - try take two tiny cooking gas tanks, fill a boat with the gas and match it up and then see how the water goes. You can slam a torpedo into the boat and still the water wake and underwater shockwave won't be that great, unlike how the boat in the movie created, more or less close to becoming a small nuclear missile to me. 

* * *

There are of course many more that I would want to ask but I guess I better just zip it for now. Or else my head will explode into so many me that the world will get even more troubled that it already is.

Hey you people. Go watch Piranha.


Hidayah said...

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Khairul said...

this is why I rarely take my chances watching movies with boobs because they are bad. better go watch RE.