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Mighty Jacksparrow is an Earth-based sub-intergalactic blogger who enjoys writing and in the same time entertaining his ever-amusing will-kill-to-read fans with sensationally hilarious and at times dramatic musings. This blog offers endless ideas and results; they might be charming most of the times but could be offending in some others. Therefore, it is always noble to remind that if you enjoy the pieces, carry on reading, but if they upset you, do quietly leave like the evening breeze and not like exploding diarrhea, which exactly what you will look like if you ever lose it on me. Enjoy! :D

Monday, September 06, 2010

Reena versus The Bigmouth Bimbo: The Deadly Race to Love


If there were things that could clearly explain why at times women lost a lot of things they wanted to own for themselves but ended up having none, Reena could be one of them, or maybe is the only explanation for the whole major losses experienced by the entire female species of evolved urban human since thousands of years back in the history of mankind.

Or worst.

Reena, as one describes her, was just another teenage girl. A typical Asian female, she was rather a medium built; her height was more or less 160cm and her weight equaled the weight of a common household tissue box, only slightly heavier. She had her days when her hair looked good and the rests when her hair looked just as messed up as her face was every time she looked at herself in the mirror after she woke up from sleep. Quite to her luck she had a fair piece of skin that could match other competitive women in the chase for men, only that to her she felt that she did not find her curves to be attracting enough, hence she previously calculated her chance to win any man to be close to or precisely zero. 

Like other typical female teenager, she had the chance to complete high school and the only thing that increased her value for just a bit was that when she was 'carefully selected in series of interviews and reviews' and gotten herself to enroll into a higher level academia of science and engineering, to which for a long time she had wondered if the students who enrolled there were 'carefully selected in series of interviews and reviews', then how come there were way too many assholes to even begin with? This doubts in here intervened her minds from now and then, and this of course occupied her days as a college freshman until she was in her third year.

Well, much to her dismay that she did not have the size of bosoms that were attractive enough to attract predator men nor she had a set of bottom that could drop jaws of many others, for the furthest they, both her bosoms and bottoms, could make was into the campus's List of Most Humorous Body Figures Ever Seen In Campus Ground', or at least she predicted to have been. Knowing that she could be precisely anywhere in the bottom 500 out of all females in campus in terms of physical attractions, and the chances for her to make it into at least to the mid-table craps in the whole list was nearly impossible, she gave up in the hunt for men without even trying to. 

Therefore her days were filled with academic things, other than to wonder how did the assholes, including the 
group of females her age who behaved like divas and made fun of her curves at all time, pass through the 'careful selection in series of interviews and reviews' and became students just like her. It was not until she was in her third year, just like previously mentioned, that she added a new thing in her daily-things-to-worry-about and therefore became one of the main reason why she went through a number of changes that in the same time redefined herself as these changes occurred.

It was a boy.

It was made known that, despite the increasing number of lesbians the world had accumulated to date, that women belong to men in terms of living partner, including for mating reasons and exchange of ideas that often led to bitter, raging arguments that separate the two, for them to start over, most likely not with the same person. And of course the cycle continues in the run for human to reproduce and multiply into many more human, so that the process maintains. Unfortunately enough, Reena never had the chance to experience this 'courting and hooking up' thing, for that, according to Sylvia (the head of the divas who bullied her to no end due to her curves), Reena owned a chest that was as flat as an airport strip and a bottom that grew up a pear but never really did become a pear - an insult that resulted into Reena bashing the diva in a winning streak where Reena aced three engineering and two mathematic papers in one semester thus shooting her up like a mad rocket to the highest point of academic recognitions while the divas remained to be the group of lesser minds equal to that of a pack of regressed primates whom many of the campus academicians placed a bet on as 'the sort of human even chimpanzees that have no earthly business in mathematics could outrun in a test of fifth-grade geometry'.

Though this triumph against the divas somewhat pleased Reena to no end, she still had the envy towards them. Well, by fact, the divas weren't that attractive. Come to think of it, only one out of all seven diva members who were really attractive while the rest only shared the glorious sprinkles of beauty the prettiest one showered around. And come to think of it again, even the prettiest one wasn't that pretty; she made it as the prettiest because she owned a pair of bosom that could match the size of ordinary rock melons placed next to next, and the bottom that one would mistakenly took as a Russian nuclear submarine at a first glance, while her face was more or less looked like Jennifer Hudson without makeup. She too had the height more or less equal to Reena, only that she wore 3-inch stiletto to classes and dresses that made as if her melons would drop out and roll on the floor each time she walked. Other than that, she was just as typical as Reena is, only curvier and, of course, dumber.

But to Reena's worry, this bimbo and her herd of friends were actually going after a bloke who, according to Reena, was the smartest boy on campus who singlehandedly derived an alternate solution to Navier-Stokes equations of fluid motion in relations to Bose-Einstein Statistical Approximation of identical indistinguishable bosons over the energy states in thermal equilibrium while he was only studying the fundamental of physics, therefore was very attractive to Reena, while according to the bimbo, he was the boy with not only broad, muscular shoulder and a cute face that would kick Brad Pitt into inferiority pit but as well having one of the tightest piece of ass made visible for the world to ever witness, hence as well was attractive to them.  

This, of course, when made known to each other, caused a not-very-cold war to be anonymously declared between Reena and the Bimbos (actually it was just against the Bimbo head but since the others supported the head Bimbo, Reena thought why not might as well include them in the whole, big picture).

The war occurred in view of the public sometime in their mid fourth year of studies. By this time, everyone on campus, including the Rector and the Chancellory board, were inclusively informed not by Reena of course but by the bimbos who were by then were known as the Bigmouth Bimbos who swore to not only crush Reena by means of 'poking a new hole on her using a reduced-price Vincci stiletto', the phrase that many college men misleadingly took as sexually suggesting due to its double entendre, but as well as to grab the boy for the winning. Ashamed at first from knowing that he became a great deal in between the two fighting sides,  the boy however resided with th crowds in excitement and nervousness to see who in the end will win the baffling confrontation - a conflict that could be the biggest one since the campus's The Great Plain War of '92 that occurred in between the soccer club and the rugby club on which gets to use the sport field after 5.00pm everyday, resulted into none getting the place but instead the usage of the field was granted to the Women's Rocketry Science Club, that soon after led to the Great Plain Fire of '93.

Many things happened throughout the 1-year war. For instance, due to the strange hormonal change that occurred in Reena, strange because it happened quite late for a girl, she managed to secure the biological gifts of nature in just months. She was observed to undergo a series of biological upgrade that seen her to acquire a set of body curve that matched that of the Head of Bigmouth Bimbo's in just a short span of time - an unnatural observation that is still debated within the distinguished members of the campus's Biological Society whether it was caused by unexplained cell mutation from one's desire to change with introduction of rivalry components, or a result of leading technologies in medicinal implants and cosmetic surgery. Reena had grown from just a pebble that no one gave a damn about (or as the rugby team described; the thing that when seen makes the trip to hell and back seems to be even more wonderful) to such a diamond that Hugh Hefner will take only three seconds to accept as one of Playboy's most celebrated Bunny Girls of all time. Reena, in line with everyone's agreement, turned into a goddess in just a blip of an eye.

Strange things happened to the Bimbos as well. Never in the history of the campus had it ever occurred that the dumbest of all students had ever changed into a team of geniuses, as it happened to the Bimbos. Three of the Bimbos members turned into student researchers who studied in advance theoretical physics and introduced a challenge to prove that the trajectory of planets may or may have not affect the fabric of time and space, while four others including the Head went striving in engineering chapters where the Head herself struggled her way through and became an established member of the local Society of Engineers who introduced a complex and intricate way of improving the local town communication using advanced fiber optic cables and signal systems that in no time sprung the town to be one of the most delicate and yummy to engineering and technology enthusiasts worldwide.

As the time went on, no clear way of telling who will win the match was known to both parties, Reena and the BB, and as well to other spectators. Reena grew to be the hottest and smartest chick in campus while the BB grew to be just like what Reena was, only in group. Speculations after speculations emerged but still the battle went on without an ending, leading to the Higher Order Associates to be formed, consisting of representatives from each academic department and chaired by the Rector himself, to set a competition to take place in between the two parties as to introduce a fair fight, other than to end the ongoing war that had consumed too much time and also attentions, including from the local newspaper and the local military regiment who by then had split into two - each in each party's side.

Much to everyone's surprise, the Rector, in agreement with the rest of the members of the Higher Order Associates, proposed a race in turbocharged-engine sport cars donated by the Automotive Engineering Department. The rule was simple - who gets to win the racing match will get the boy. As many had by then speculated, the race had got to be a challenging one, since many had seen how certain major groups of females behave behind wheels. This too, according to them, could be a deadly one too. Nevertheless, Reena and BB agreed to the challenge and both were given precisely one week to get prepared.

The match day was a Sunday, and the time was in the morning, and the venue was at the local highway strip that the locales often utilized as informal racing ground most of the time. A perfectly straight strip for almost three kilometers, the highway offered good views from each road side, where spectators started to occupy a day before the match for great spots. The cars had been warmed up and both Reena and the BB Head were already strapped in their each consecutive car seats, ready to go. All they needed to do was to slam on the gas and sprint 2 kilometers forward, where whoever hits the finish line first will win the battle and therefore will win the boy, who was at the time located at the end of the strip, 500 meters away from the finishing line, decorated in all fancy and dandy clothing and seated on a stage all by himself like a Christmas present.

And soon the game was on.

At precisely 9.00am, as everyone was done taking their places and bought their hotdogs and drinks, all 3,500 of them, the Rector pressed a button that commenced the beginning of the match. Both Reena and BB Head were nervous as the lights in front of them turned from red to yellow. As the lights turned green, both pressed on the gas and blasted the tarmac with screeching tires. Burnt rubber smoke and smell filled the morning air as both cars accelerated towards the finishing line. In both Reena's and BB Head's eyes they both could see the boy sitting on the stage from far away and the vision got better as they got nearer to him. They both slammed the gas pedal flat as their heartbeats stomped and their burning loves and desires for the boy grew in fire. 

But there was a mistake in calculation.

Both of them, Reena and BB Head wanted to win the competition so much that all they did was to slam on the gas to reach the finishing line as the fastest. This means they took care of the acceleration part in detailed accelerating plan derived from the cars' specifications, but they did not take into account the braking part. The cars ended up to hit the finish line at the same time, proved by naked eyes, GPS remote sensing, infra-red indicators, motion sensors, slow-motion videos and other electronic sensors, and since braking wasn't taken into consideration they both failed to stop before the stage where the boy sat on and no matter how they pressed on the brakes they successfully slammed into the stage and split the boy into two where a half of him broke through the front shield of Reena's car and landed next to her while his other half did the same thing, ended up next to BB Head. This freaked both the drivers out and of course the rest of the spectators, causing the drivers to lose control of the cars and hit one another, killing both Reena and Head BB, adding another freak-out moment to the spectators. 

The rest of the story can be well understood.

Therefore it is concluded that from this story, of a magnificent event that cost three very hot and intelligent persona and therefore made it as the #1 campus's history billboard and otherwise known as the Super Derby Mishap of '10, that the fights for men, even though how promising and well-leading they might be, will also lead to complete disasters that most of the time do not only consume the lives of the parties who are fighting but also the lives of the prizes they were fighting for. And of course this nonsensical story teaches us many lessons, none of which I have the time or even bother to point them out for you readers, and therefore I hereby hope that you will find them for yourselves and learn something from them. Have a good day now, and for the love of human, stop fighting for men for God's sake!






1 comment:

kakkumei said...

In defense of females, when it comes to guys, they will act stupid.

It's in our nature to have an assurance, and if the assurance comes by the means of eliminating the enemy, no doubt, we'll do exactly that.

Also, why didn't the guy just picked which one he liked the most? It'll end the problem.