Saturday, December 31, 2011

Friday, December 30, 2011

And so here we are again at the end of the year. 

Big event alright. 

And just like every other end of the year we do the same thing all over again. We wish for things to get better and may our souls be always in peace. And throughout the year when we see that things start not to go the way we wanted, we take a bow and wait until the end of the year again hoping for a new beginning. And then we have that mixed feelings and tingling sensations while waiting for the year to dramatically change during that often unnerving countdown moment. 

All the damn time. 

And so as to follow this well-celebrated tradition I would allow myself to cite a little prayer and hope for good things to start happening soon as the fastest hand on the clock hits the first second of 2012. Too many too hope and wish for, actually, but as I got to my realistic ground I soon started to remind myself to jot down something that I most probably will work out for next year. Or at least hope to happen if I give enough to what it takes. 

A wedding isn't certainly in the plan. 

So let us see what I have in store for 2012. 

* * * 

1. PhD, full speed ahead - I am done with master's degree now, and I have been given the opportunity to give my PhD a stern kickoff. I foresee that for PhD I would have been able to pull some strings of time since I am continuing on the same subject of research. With my knowledge in the matter it wouldn't be so aching to get it done on time, from which I previously aimed for at least two years and a half, three maximum. 

I hope that I will be able to publish quality works as much as I am able to, and I would like to expand my range of contacts in the circle of biomass researchers and experts around the country, if not worldwide. By all chances I hope that by the end of next year my works in research will establish well enough to gain some attentions.

I'd like to make some real money too. Seeing myself so broke after the relationship ended that I literally ended up having to eat dry crackers with plain water three days straight, it is about time for me to watch my spending over the unnecessary. 

2. Going places - It had been a real pleasure when I got to travel abroad to foreign lands in which I had encountered many memorable experiences worth telling. Previously I had been to Vietnam, Indonesia and China. This time around, let's hope for somewhere further. Now that my wedding plan got ponged up  real nice and I shall see no more rubbish like that anytime soon, I am planning to spend the previously allocated cash for this travel matters.  

My mother and I are planning to pay a visit to the Holy Land sometime in the summer next year. Perhaps we may drop by in Turkey for some sightseeing. And maybe we'll visit somewhere cold too. Australia sounds awesome by the way, or maybe the States. Let's see on that. Hopefully the visits will be able to bring some peace to mind and heart following what had happened to us. 

3. Be awesome - I have realized just how many wonderful things I have missed along the way here and I have been given a second chance now to look around me again and start taking things with all seriousness and not for granted. I had led my life in such a lame fashion that it aches for me to look back at what I have done so far with it. And so I decided that it is about time for me to explore the hidden sides of life and be swell with it, for all it's worth. I wanna be awesome, and I wanna inspire others to be awesome too. That way, we'll appreciate people and things better and never again we will end up in sorrow and tears. 

I had no idea my Twitter fans are so awesome. And for that, i dedicate this to all of you. 

4. Be a better man - I'm gonna be 27 in less than a few weeks. It's about time I get serious with my life now. Time to catch up with some old bits. Time to start watching over my health. Time to get down to business and make the most of out it. Time to change some bad habits. Time to shape up a bit too. I missed my abs and my muscular arms. It has really been a while since I hit the gym. Good thing is that since the bitter ending of my otherwise a tender relationship I have been running and started my body-shaping regiment all over again; bad thing is that I have at least 10% more body fat to reduce, and it's going to be a real pain in the ass. 

I want to write better too. It is nice to write again and although a bit of brushing up has to be done before I get back to my previous self in writing, I could easily express that my writing has improved since the very beginning. And to add more to that the amount of readers coming my way are excellently increasing. And I thank Thee for that, with all my pride and soul.

Perhaps I would love better too.

* * *

I don't want to plan much this time around. 

To commemorate this year end celebration I would like to conclude here that my life has been awesome this one whole year albeit a series of miserable moments that I'd like not to remember. With all hopes I would like to see just how my life improves after this; building my ruined castle again brick by brick with or without you (you here does not refer to anybody). I would want to see that six months forward from today I will be looking back and say, "hey, I'm okay, I'm alright."

And it is not yet too early to say that too.

I mean, hey, I'm okay, I'm alright.

Happy New Year everyone, and have a ponging good one this time around. 

If only there are enough words to best express what I have inside for you.

Of all the many beautiful things that could happen, of all the vast love and care the world could ever offer, they all came from you. Being grateful is never enough, and being thankful is just way too little. 

If only there are enough words. If only.

* * *

Laid upon my chest the flowers of my soul,
Years gone by but I did never get old,
No more tears I feel no more pain,
There goes finally all my endless rain,
How are you feeling, how do you do?
In my mind all I had at night was you,
Strange, just how I would feel this way, that
I couldn't anymore find a way to be sad,
So much love from you, too much kindness,
For a stranger like me, you're the finest,
Of all the beautiful things that could ever happen,
Rare is the occasion to find the path to heaven,
Your love embraced me; this feelings I can never forget, and
Of all the things I could ever wish for, of all wishes best be said,
Unify our feelings I will; and best hope this will never end. 

The poem, it doesn't matter. Really. 

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


This morning after I came back for a jog at around 5.45am, I sat on my chair for a while and fell asleep. I woke up minutes after that when the calling for morning prayer from the nearby musallah hit me awake. The time then was around 6.05am. So I have been sleeping for 15, 20 minutes flat.

I had the weirdest dream ever. 

This was even weirder than that one time when I dreamed about my mother running after me with a frying pan and I ran straight ahead in all fear, or that another time when Maria Ozawa sprayed my face using a garden hose for no reasons at all. This time, I dreamed of a girl

She looked nothing familiar. But she surely looked awesome though. I couldn't recall where both of us were but the place was cold. Other details were so blurry. I remember I was lying down on a bed when I saw her coming and she sat right next to me. I was having some fever or something. She placed her hand gently on my forehead before placing it on my cheeks. It felt so warm.

"Wait," she said. "I won't be long more."

And then she stood up and walked to the door. I looked at her, terribly clueless. She then turned around and she smiled at me. Now this was the only expression she made that I can still clearly remember.

"Don't go anywhere," she told me. "I'll come back for you."

She walked into that door of darkness and disappeared. I suddenly felt so lonely. The longing. The missing. The biting coldness. The still emptiness. I felt a tear fell from my eyes. And that was when I woke up, and I pulled by head up from my arms.


I saw a drop of warm liquid on the skin of my arm. 


* * *

I never really knew how to draw.

So I made this just so that I can preserve my memories of her from that short meeting. Strange. I still can remember her face clearly.

Bloody dream.

But whoever you are, damsel, God bless you. After all these time? Always.

p/s: You'll come back for me? Pong me sideways.

I find myself sleepless again tonight.

A few things in mind, research mostly, some other unimportant things and this one last matter that currently bothers my mind at best. Imagine, of all the most exquisite things that I could have cared for, this one thing stays in my mind like nobody's business. By far it is the most unimportant thing, but now it suddenly wins the highest priority in which I would have given by right a vast amount of pong. Now pong here refers to the popular English word of fuck, in which |I would want to reduce the usage of it in my blog, therefore I replace the word with pong. 

So this was what the pong happened to me. 

* * *

Have you ever been stunned by the beauty of a lady?

I have. Like all the bloody time. 

But today was different. You see, I have been quite active in Twitter lately, main reason was to fill my unoccupied time, other than to amplify my doubtful awesomeness and to create a wide network of awesome men and women (although women win the proportion by 20 women for every man in my Twitter list). Among the people in my Twitter list was this one quite, no, good looking lady whom, God forgive me for this, I liked to look at her face. Like almost every damn day I visited her just to click on her profile picture which she used to change in every 2 days or so. 

But we never tweet each other at all.

I mean, come on, look at her. She's all that. The kind of woman that most men will fight for. Look at the way she smiles and the way she gives that extraordinary looks. Yes, true, I have confidence and all that, and as long as I follow the rules of engagement and the art of attraction pretty neatly, I could have topped all those clueless men in no time, at least to the best fives, but of course in me I had doubts, and these doubts prevented me from saying hi to her, not even once. Even she too never dropped a tweet to me, and that was as far as the relationship went. Pure electronics. But then sometime a week or two back, I noticed that her account suddenly disappeared.  

And I was like, "what the pong?"

Never really did give a damn at first, my days went by smoothly. I made new friends in Twitter, recounted the old ones, and had wonderful times with them all. But in my mind I still thought about her. I wondered what happened; must be ponged up enough to cause her to disengage from her daily Twitter chore. But then again, however I see it, it was still my loss for not being able to establish a direct contact with her when she was around. Talking about some bitter regrets. If only I said hi to her. How I wish if she reappears just so that I can say hi to her or something. If she reappears again, I said to myself, I am so going to say hi to her to make up for my regretful past. And you know what? Today she did. 

She reappeared right in my direct messaging box. 

Oh pong. 

* * *

"You've gotta help me."

You see, help is a strong word, darling. Before I am able to help you, I would want you to know that I require help myself, especially in dealing with my shaking legs and sweaty palms from this very surprising course of event. A miracle! Or maybe not. I don't know. But what I know was that she came right to me and asked for help, in which, "yes ma'am first officer Jacksparrow right at your service, ma'am."

Long story short, she's having some relationship problems. And she was expecting that I would be able to give her some advises. At first I was like, "mean woman, you have hurt me enough, GTFO" but of course, being a completely wet sponge when it comes to damsels in distress without taking account of my own frustrations, I decided to help her anyway, although I knew that I was going to get a punch right in the stomach again soon enough. Since Twitter only allow 140 characters in every reply, and I am the kind of guy who will write a thesis just to tell someone to close the door for me, I found it very difficult to communicate with her. So I asked for her number, and she gave it to me. But when I called her, she never picked it up. 

I mean, what the pong la? Fine then If she didn't want to pick up the phone. Good luck with the ponging problem then, and that ponging guy, whoever the pong he was.

It was not until a few minutes following that last call to her that I received a call from someone who introduced herself to me as one of the gorgeous lady's friend. Pissed off, I answered her with a bit of resistance and somewhat disappointment. And what she told me next stunned me so badly that I had to hold my forehead in my right arm while resting it on the desk. I only hold my head in my hand like that in only three occasions: 1) while listening to endless whining from the office, 2) while listening to my mom's 1,001 advises in only a 5-minute session, and when I receive a call saying that someone just died. So if I did it this time, then it must be ponging important and shocking enough.

"She didn't answer your call because she can't hear you," the friend said. She had a pretty voice.

"Can't hear?" Wait, what?

"Nor talk. She's deaf and mute."

And so it hit me. 


* * *

You are still so beautiful.

I'm sorry I didn't know. But I do now, and I will do whatever it takes to make you happy again. Just so that I can come by your Twitter and stalk on your profile picture again. Please be happy. You can't hear me, and you can't reply me either, but for sure both of us can write and read. 

So I did this for you:

But if that doesn't cheer you up still, I hope this will:

So yeah, I'd hope that things will be fine for you soon. I wish you all the best and hope that my advises work for you. Hope that you'll smile again. I missed that smiles. Thank you for being awesome all these whiles. And I want you to stay that way. Not for just a moment but for every damn day. 

Smile for me, smile for me, and I'll smile with you. 

p/s: pretty as hell, doesn't nag, doesn't need to hear my ramblings. The perfect one? Pong me sideways

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Just a few more days till the end of the year. 

And just like every other end of year we say goodbyes to the current and then anticipate for a new beginning as the new year slowly gets closer. New hopes appear, old ones resurface. Joyful feelings will cover our sorrows on that day, even when only for a short meaningful while. The squares will be filled with mixed crowds, all nervously waiting for the countdown to the new beginning. New dreams begin to bloom; nightmares die in agony. Many stories will be shared; many secrets ready to unfold. Like spring, the new year promises many fortunes to come to those in need. 

It has been a long year.

Many things happened to me on this eleventh year of the second millennium. Strange, just when I think about it, that I was at the highest peak and the lowest pit of my life both at the same time. Too many things to remember, too many too to forget. Life comes flashing before my eyes like a movie without a sound. Still pictures all around. Some of these memories are easily erasable; some of them stick to me like super glue. Some of them are too easy to let go; some of them I would want to keep for myself, or, boy, I don't know what to do.

There could never be one single thing that could wholly express my feelings about this year, for they are mixed from one extreme to another. And these mixed feelings often contribute to my own state of confusion; about just how my life had started from one hopeful point and end up like this right here. But of course, life has its own method of having things its way without giving not even half a chance for you to assume a full control of it.  Life is just a game where it ends when you die. If you are still alive, you've gotta keep playing. Worst, never with your own rules. 

Nothing much can summarize my year this time around. But let's go through from the positive ones first. 

I finally get my Masters of Science in Mechanical Engineering by Research after three years worth of effort. How very great. I too have been involved much in the political scenes where I have appeared before crowds and press as the SSLK UMNO Youth Information Chief. I've been in and out of the country too. My research papers started to be read and quoted internationally. Invitations came like nobody's business from various academicians and groups of interests. And now I am continuing with my PhD in Mechanical Engineering, and by the look of it I might be able to complete it just shy of a few months before I become 30 years old. 

I could have never felt any better. 

But on the other hand, there were also things that for all that mattered were very painful to endure. I have stood to see just how how my relationship was torn up to pieces before my very own eyes just weeks before things were to settle down for good. I have had myself on my knees from these unbelievable sights one after another. Had myself any idea of how badly it was to end, I would have never at all proceeded with it. Strange, just how I have strove this far only to see that things I wanted did not at all materialize. Nevertheless this entirely unfortunate event has to be faced with bravery and courage, and for all that happened I did not regret any of it, for every time spent on the entire affair was all well worth it. 

At this point I am not very sure if being single is a good or a bad thing. But all I know is that I am now back to square one all over again, and chances are that things are going to be this way for some time until I am fully healed from these battle wounds from such an unforeseen defeat. Better a single defeat than a final one, I supposed. Or else, let's wait for miracles to happen. 

All I hope is that my career in applied engineering research will be better in time. Perhaps my involvement in UMNO too will start to bear some anticipated results. Let us wish that I will be a alright again and perhaps even better in the near future. In one year time from now, I would want to read this post again and see just how much I have changed and just how many of my plans are fulfilled. Perhaps with what I have at the end of next year will be far much greater with less worries and heartaches.

I wanna be happier than I ever did too.

Let us all forgive and move on to yet another chapter in time, for better or worst doesn't matter, because we're already in the game and we're gonna face it together. Hey, we made it people, and we're gonna make yet another year, together. 

You with me here?

p/s: And among every other hopes too, I hope that letter will finally reach you. 

Thursday, December 22, 2011

"So how's life?"

The rain was getting rather heavier than previously. A little soaked from the shower from heavens, I shivered a little inside my jacket. The air-conditioning unit was blowing at the most minimal, but somehow I still thought that the engineers in Perodua have had the most minimal setting to be arctic temperature. God knows what the maximum air-conditioning capacity was; I never went that far to try. The lady beside me sat comfortably albeit the frosting condition. In fact she didn't show any sign of coldness whatsoever. They said only angels and demons could warm themselves up from within; which one was her, I couldn't tell. 

"Hello mister," she said to me. "I asked you a question."

"I know," I replied casually. I wasn't that deaf.  

"So why didn't you answer me then?"

I turned my head to her and took a look straight into her eyes for a few joyful seconds before getting my vision back on to the wet road. That short glance sure did give her some hints. I waved at the guards as the car moved past the guard post and into the campus ground. 

"You know what happened, young lady," I said without looking at her. "I do not have the capacity to express that my life is anyhow better, neither do I have the fundamental to say that my life isn't that blissful anyway."

She didn't reply. From the corner of my eyes I saw her turning around, her face was directed to me. Her wavy long hair was moved by the blowing air-conditioner. Her facial expression showed a bit of womanly concerns. There was not a word being spoken. Dead silence filled the air. Rather uncomfortable, I tried to make a conversation, but nothing came out from my dry throat and in between my dry lips. But I tried anyway.

"Where did you come from?" I asked her simply out of nothing at all. 

"Makan with friends."

"Uh huh." Say something more, damn it, I lost words.

"Then when we stopped at Petronas just now, I saw you. Thought of saying hi."

If that was a hi, Rosy Cheeks, then how the hell you ended up sitting next to me now. 

"Very well then," I replied. At that time the car was passing the white, floating mosque of UTP. "You still live in V1?"

She laughed a little, so I turned my head at her. My, how I missed those laughs. She covered her mouth with her palm, from which in between the fingers I could see those lovely white teeth showing. Her cheeks blushed cheerfully. Her bold eyes almost completely shut, showing just how much she was having, from me asking her if she was still living at her old block. 

"You," she said in between chuckles. "V1 has become an all men territory, remember?"

And then I realized. Just how times flew all these while. It has been like two years since we last talked, since that unfortunate incident at the Old Town. Quite so suddenly all the bitter feelings resurfaced. What she did was completely way too awful to even think about. I couldn't even remember if I did forgive her. Maybe I did, that could be the reason why I let her enter the car just now. If I didn't, then how come I felt so damn comfortable having her next to me right now? I threw my face to her again.

She still looked the same, although with some observable changes. Her skin was a bit fairer than it was before, I could say that. The way she dressed showed some maturity; a pair of grey legging and a thick long-sleeved plain white tee that revealed some of her shoulder, and a hairband that kept her long hair together in a classic ponytail fashion. With good approximation i could say that that hair when released could reach the top of her belly. I could also tell that she has applied some moisturizing balm from that shiny look on her lips. She changed her watch to a rather elegant one this time - a silver body with a brown strap that looks somewhat expensive compared to her last one that looked rather kiddish. On other note was her earring; I had never seen her wearing anything like that before. 

When did you grow up to be such a lady?

"I live in the same residential with you now," she said after a long pause. Probably she was being a bit taken aback from the look I gave her just now. Her blushing cheeks and running eyes confirmed that. Why, since when you grew so shy, dear you?

"Very well then," I said as I took a turn to her residential college. "Guess I'll just drop you down at the covered walkway or something." 

"Now," she spoke in her softest voice. "That isn't very gentlemanly, is it?"

Damn it.

* * *

"Thank you for walking me back."

"No worries," I replied as my hands wiped off drops of water from the rain just now as we both ran from the car to the covered walkway. It got even colder to me, now that I no longer had my jacket since I gave her to cover her head and body from the rain, while I myself was soaked like a bone-dry sponge thrown into the Indian Ocean. I placed both of my hands into my jeans for warmth as we both walked towards her block, less than a hundred meter to go. I hope this would be a quick one since I was starting to feel that one of my fingers was about to catch some nasty frost bites from the freezing temperature. I couldn't stand coldness that much. Anymore colder than this and I could have sworn that I may just drop down and die from it. 

She covered herself tight with the thick jacket, and as she moved her hair danced in silence. Not a sound was made other than from our footsteps and the tapping raindrops. It didn't take long for us to reach the entrance of her block, but to me the walk was almost forever. When we finally stopped, she turned around at me and tilted her head up for a bit. That eyebrows could have never been so lovely. 

"I'm sorry I asked. I hope you will face it strongly." Her face showed her concerns. Or worries, I couldn't tell.

"It's alright, and I sure hope so."

Her eyes looked into mine deep, trying to dig for some comforting words or something darker, I didn't know. But I was sure that those eyes were getting a bit teary already. That eyebrows suddenly bent in sadness. And there we had it; a tear dropped out from her shiny eyes. 

"What's wrong?" I never was so confused. 

"Nothing," she said as she held her head down. "It has been so long."

"Sure it has." But why did you cry? Did you miss me?

"I never had the chance to say sorry before," she continued after a long pause. Her head was still looking at her feet. "I would want to, but I was so afraid."

Ah. So that was the reason for all these teary segment this rainy evening. I didn't say a word. Mixed feelings lingered upon. Another drop of tears fell, I saw it clearly. At this point I was so clueless than a little teenage girl choosing on her first brassiere. What do I say, what do I do? Do I stand here doing nothing, or do I just extend my hands to you?

"I'm sorry for all my faults. I really am," she said in her wet voice.  

At this point I wasn't sure if what I was doing was right, but I proceeded anyway. Screw all these monsters of feelings, I said to myself. Yesterday's grudges will only hurt me worst, so it was about time to let it go. I placed my hand on her chin and pushed it up in the most gentle manner just so that I could look at her face clearly. That teary eyes, wet cheeks and trembling lips. My dear God, what has the world done to you, Rosy Cheeks? It hurt me to see you this way, you know? My thumb ran slowly on her soft skin, wiping her tears away. But she just won't stop crying, she even cried harder. Every time that bold eyes closed shut, more tears came out. Something broke inside me. I felt like slapping myself. Say something nice, damn it, something nice...

"Darling," I said in my softest voice. "I already forgave you long ago." 

There, I said it.

"Come on, stop it already," I tried to comfort her from her miseries. "Don't cry anymore. You look so miserable this way."

She placed her hand gently on mine that then was resting on her face. It felt so warm as she gripped on my fingers. She nodded a few times fast and wiped her tears with her other hand. She gave out a smile, and I knew right away that that smile came out of relief. Suddenly all burdens were no longer there. All released. She was freed from her miseries from not being able to say things she wanted to for so long. For two bloody years. Her eyes looked at me, full with unknown meanings.

"Thank you."

* * *

When I reached my room, it was already past sunset. 

I turned on the light and the room was alive again. I lit a cigarette and sat down at my chair, looking at the pouring rain outside. I had so many things in mind, but most of them was related to Rosy Cheeks. What just happened? There was no answer for that. Her face filled my mind. The sinful smoke filled the damp air. In a way, I felt better, despite the fact that I no longer have my jacket with me because she insisted to wash it first. My hands were so cold that I could bite my fingers off without feeling anything. I looked at my right hand for some time while my left one was holding the cigarette. For no reason, I pulled it close to my nose and I took a long breath. 

It smelt of Rush.

Oh God.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Nothing is better than to spend some fine moments with a best friend.

A very best friend, Chubb, came yesterday. He just got back from the States following a three-week abroad assignment, and upon hearing the unfortunate news he took a train from Kuala Lumpur and all the way here after his 13-hour flight just so that he could pat me in the back like we used to do back in the old days every time each or any of us was going through our hardest moments in life. The amount of kindness he shown, priceless. But he couldn't stay long; work awaited him back in the city of sins, and he had to leave late in the evening later.

I drove him to the train station.

Along the way rain poured down like nobody's business. The road was filled with all sorts of vehicles that moved cautiously to avoid any collision whatsoever. We had long talks; the sort of talks that grown men have among themselves, deep and full of meaning. Rather emotional we were, for we have not met for so long and by the time we realized it, it was almost the time to say goodbye. Supposedly the best man of my wedding, he expressed himself in great detail and his hopes that things will be alright pretty damn soon; that all dusts will settle and everything goes back in perfect linearity. Points of view exchanged, wise words taken. The half-hour journey seemed so short.

As I walked him into the platform while having a stick of bitter cigarette during a rainy day, I saw some of the station crews having theirs at a sidewalk kiosk nearby. Familiar faces. They smiled and nodded at me, a simple gesture of respects taught by manly tradition. All around anxious passengers waited in patience. Around three minutes or so before the train arrived, and these last three minutes couldn't be anymore critical than they already were. These last three minutes could be the time when he'd tell me the words I wanted to hear. We stopped at the end of the station and I leaned against a big metal pole as Chubb searched for his ticket. He found it seconds later. 

"This," he said as he showed it to me, "is a one way ticket."

I nodded in agreement.

"And this one way ticket takes me to only one destination. To get to another, I have to get another ticket."

I nodded again.

"You have had your ticket, Jack," he continued as he folded the paper and placed it safely in his pocket. "Your last ticket has expired now. This is your last destination. But it doesn't mean you have to end up here forever."

"I see what you mean, brother." I looked into his meaningful eyes.

Then some clinking sounds were heard. From afar we saw the train approaching the platform fast. He then looked again at me, and so did I to him. 

"Get yourself a new ticket to a new place, brother. Don't stay here. There are new destinations in life to explore."

"And I can never thank you enough." 

"Save it," he said to me as the the train entered the platform, braking down to a complete halt. The smell of burnt rubber stroke my nose. Hissing sound followed next. He stared at me for a little while.

"Till we meet again," he said.

He showed me his hand and I shook it tightly. We hugged and we patted each other in the back while we were. I could have sworn that both of us was holding our tears back. All the memories we had together since the past nine years flashed before our eyes fast. The fact that we grew up together so close to understand each other to the finest without having to have a single word spoken hit us that very moment. What I felt, he felt it too, and what he did, I did. We let go of each other and we stood facing one another in a very gentleman posture, mostly suggested to be practiced during which men were to say goodbyes. The train doors all opened in a synchronized fashion.

"Till do," I said. "Have a safe trip, man, goodbye and godspeed."

"Godspeed to you too, sir," he curved a bitter smile on his lips. "And goodbye."

He turned around and entered the coach and sat down after placing his bags securely at the top baggage compartment. The train only stopped for one and a half minute. The doors slammed shut, the horn was blown, and the train was back in motion again. Through the thick glass window I saw him looking away. Bitter goodbyes could never get any bitter. Probably he didn't want me to see his face the same way I didn't want him to see mine. He slowly disappeared as the train moved further away. 

And I wept a little. 

* * *

The journey back could have never been anymore lonelier.

Another cigarette lit. Sinful smoke filled the air inside the car, mixed with the ever so refreshing smell of the rain. Sundae (I named my car Sundae) dashed on the road fast as the lingering feelings troubled me to an unbearable point. So many things in mind left unspoken. So many words left unsaid. A complete numbness raged within. Every concrete slab I saw along the way looked at me as if they were saying, "come on, hit on us, it will be painful no more." Pain was such a painful word. In all extremes, pain could still never disappear. Suddenly there was a blinking light next to the odometer.

Low fuel.

Lucky enough I was about to enter UTP that very moment, so the nearest pump station was the one next to the campus ground. I parked my car at the usual place - pump no. 4 - and proceeded to the counter. I filled up the fuel quickly since it was still raining outside and I couldn't stand the weather. I looked around and there was only another car next to me that just arrived for the same purpose I was doing. A bunch of young ladies in there, I couldn't see clearly. Not that I bothered much. Once done, I placed the pump back at its holder and plugged in the fuel cap of my car, and secured the fuel inlet cover. I got into the car and closed the door quickly for I long for the pleasant warmth air in it. I was preparing for ignition when there was a few knocks on the window at the passenger side. 

I looked to my left only to see a lady standing near, just her body and never her face at first. I rolled the window down and she slowly bent over to show her face. That shiny lips. And that familiar face. That eyes, that fringe. That very memorable smile, a pair of dimple showing. A rather neat row of teeth followed her unforgettable smile. And that cheeks. That cheeks.  

"Can I share a ride with you?"

She stood there smiling at me while I froze into complete silence. I didn't know how my face looked like at that very point, but for all I knew it must shown glimpses of confusions. Many unanswered questions came shooting. What do I say, what do I do? Of all the people, must it be you? After a few more seconds I got a grip of myself again and I tried, hard, to smile back as my finger unlocked the car. Her face looked so mesmerizing. Oh how I missed you.

"Well why not," I said. 

Welcome aboard, Rosy Cheeks.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

I could have never felt so blessed.

Can't imagine just how so many people poured their loves on me just so that I could get better in no time following the series of unfortunate events that struck me hard weeks ago. Without these people, I could have gone nuts by now. 

There's no way I could do to repay your kindness. But I am sure Allah will. 

I've been better. As the picture above which was taken two days back shows, I am living myself well. Despite the fact that my daily sleeping time have reduced from 6 to 3 hours and that I have lost 10kg so far, I could have never been any better. 

Thanks, loves, for your cares and attentions. 

Given much time and faith, I am pretty sure that I will be up to sketch soon enough. With all your helps and kindness through this dark path of mine I currently am travelling on, it makes recovery speedier than anticipated. Your generosity will always be remembered, and I could have never really expressed just how thankful I am.    

Thank you. I love you all.

See? I'm smiling. 

Days gone by calmly. The weather has been very kind these days. Not being able to sleep anymore on a normal basis, I often found myself awake at wee odd hours, having nothing to do but to observe my surroundings. Sooner than I thought, I started to see just how things around me changed all these times without me noticing. How the trees around me grew so much, how the paint started to flake off my walls, how the things in my room have changed places. How I missed so much to notice all these little things. More disturbingly, just how I noticed a friend changed so much. 

I took an effort to visit him after all these years. 

I stared at him in silent. How I miss you, buddy. But those cold eyes looked back at me, dead. He looked so tired. For years I knew him, he was never this weatherbeaten. I looked at him with no expression at all, and no expression too was returned. I looked at just how his face have changed over time. He used to smile a lot. He used to laugh loudly, he cared for nothing. But in front of me now was a reflection of somebody else. Somebody new. Somebody I didn't know much just yet. Somebody I missed to notice all these while. I tried to smile. He didn't smile back.

Who are you? Why don't you smile?

Strange, just how a person can change so much in just split seconds. And I failed to notice this, just how lonely and miserable he is. He kept on throwing me empty responses, empty look. Not a word was spoken. A familiar face, how come no more familiar like before? What have the world done to you, I wondered. Seeing that tired and exhausted face, I died a little inside. Had I known how to help. Had I but known. 

Those dead eyes kept on staring back. His brownish skin showed clear paleness. Dry and flaky lips stuck together, unmoved. They didn't make a smile, didn't scowl either. A straight face that made it harder to tell his true feelings. Like a mannequin. Like a madman. Like a dead man. What happened to you friend, what made you  become like this? How come you are no longer the person I used to know?

Do you still know me? Do you still remember?

Do you remember the times we had? The laughs we shared? All the good times back in the days where we cared for nothing, together you and me? We used to spend time with each other so much until we took our own ways, for times I didn't remember, to places I didn't know, for reasons I don't understand. Separated, we made our way back again, why aren't you happy, old buddy? I smiled at you but why, why didn't you smile back at me? Where have gone the warm and firm handshakes, the pats in the back? What happened to the friendliness we had? 

What did I do? Was it me or was it you?

Perhaps time changed us so much. Maybe we have went through too much. We became bitter, we lost our smiles. Our hearts were broken so many times over, no chances to recover at all. Perhaps we have seen so many terrible things that killed us from within. Perhaps we have seen just way too many shattered and forgotten dreams. Empty and broken promises. Perhaps we stopped to believe, we stopped to trust. The fears inside that we failed to realize. Perhaps the fire in us died so long ago, only remaining ashes left. Perhaps our spirits were slaughtered once, twice, many times, only to be revived again for yet another massacre. Perhaps we were so disappointed with life and the way things are going. We both went through all that, but we survived, right? We made to hell and back, right? Right? 

But why didn't you smile back at me?

I had never seen you so beaten up this badly, old friend. You used to be so strong. So brave. You feared nothing. I only did leave you for a little while, and you became this? I'm sorry I didn't care much about you when I departed, while I was away. I'm sorry I never came back to say hi even for a while. The fact that I never visited. Perhaps we can make it better this time, old chap. We spent so much time together, both of us are back being single, perhaps this time we can make it better? I took a look at him, hoping for an answer. I hoped that he would believe what I said, I hope he would smile back at me. Come on, man, don't be so hard on me. Yesterday was just a nightmare, today it'd be better, tomorrow it better be. I give you my words for that. No more loneliness, no more empty promises. I curved him a smile, a most sincere one. Hopefully he'll smile back this time, for mercy I bid.

And finally the reflection in the mirror did.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

In every broken heart, there's always still some words left unspoken.

Now these words, if left unspoken and kept within, will progressively consume the soul of the owner of the broken heart. Therefore, for the best of self, one must decide to pour all of them out before more damages are done. In the hopes of my well being, I must let out of most of the things I previously kept within me, and by luck, I hope that what I am going to convey will ease myself in the pursuit for inner peace. 

And I hope this will be the end of all suffering. 

* * *


The past 495 days were the most wonderful time I had in my whole life. It was the longest and most serious relationship I have ever had, and nothing I could repay you for the kindness, love and care that you have shown to me beyond your every capability. All the times spent together, I truly enjoyed and remembered as our experiences and memories for all these days and nights. Bittersweet, doesn't matter. Every story has two sides of perspective, one or another. Every dream and hopes, every laugh and smile, I treasure them greatly. Every good moments shared together will be remembered, and so will the fights and arguments we had that in time brought us even more closer as days went by.

Feelings grew fonder when we were separated for a while, and even more stronger when we were together.

All the dates we went for, all the diners we went to, all spoken words and promises, I treasure them all. All the songs I sang for you, all the notes I wrote, the gifts, the flowers, all the hugs and kisses, and all the love I showered for you, they were all sincere and without prejudice. All the tears shed for you, they were all from my truest feelings, nothing left hidden. How lovely you were to me. And how I missed all our conversations.

I honestly miss you. How I missed your voice.

Life was very difficult when you left. With fading hopes, I woke up every morning and slept every night thinking of you. Emotions got the best of me, and drowned in my own fears and disappointments I buried myself deep in my own pit of sorrow begging for miracles to happen. Every minutes or so looking at the cold iron gate of home, hoping that you will, for every good or bad reason, appear there like you used to. Every second staring at the still and silent phone, hoping that it will ring with good news from you. And as much as hoping for rocks to form into butter, none of these happened. 

I had only hopes. 

Loneliness came blanketing. I don't know how you are doing. Maybe you have had moved on. Maybe you don't suffer at all. Perhaps feelings have faded. Perhaps feelings have changed. A real sad case to examine, knowing that we used to be so close, now that we are back as strangers to each other. Not even a last goodbye. Not even a single word of anything. Not even a single chance to look at you for the last time. As you drove away into the darkest night, I stood by myself watching you go, at a place where our love first bloomed, the same place where our love finally shattered. I didn't have the chance to wave at you. 

You left so early. I had so much to say.

Mistakes were made, and we learned from them. Being a human myself, I could never be the perfect man you desperately wanted. Hours passed, thinking of what went wrong. Perhaps I didn't show how much I loved you. Perhaps I didn't let you know how much I valued your soothing presence. Perhaps I never did let you know just how much I love your smiles and the way you laugh. The way you looked at me and uttered those lovely words. Perhaps I never showed you how much I missed you through my stormy nights. Perhaps I wasn't being the man you ought me to be. Perhaps I wasn't the man you thought you'd marry. 

Loneliness. Unloved. Perhaps our story was just a plain lie. 

Strange, just how I am at the lowest part of my life when I am actually achieving in a lot of things. The dreams I shared with you, the futures we planned together, the life we wanted to have, none of them become a reality. The names of our sons and daughters that we never going to have. Around me the smell of you still lingers. Fresh as if it was from just last night. I could still feel the warmth of your skin, and your voice whispering into my cold ears. I could still hear you calling for me, and as I turn around, you are not there. Hoping for the impossibles, could never really hit me that well. 

Hardest were the days without you.

But I can't be like this forever. I can take a few tears and pretend as if things are alright. Confused and lost, I have nothing else to lose. I've got to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer here, and that I am to walk this road alone again, carrying my hopes and dreams to unknown futures. I have loved you within my best capacity, and I have expressed myself so much by wanting to marry you. I have taken care of you sincerely with pride and responsibility. I have cared for you and your whole family, and all I wanted was just the best for us. Perhaps those were just not enough to satisfy. Perhaps I was so wrong I could no longer be right. Perhaps everything I did and anything I do now never really matter at all. Perhaps the love I had for you worth nothing of expense.

I still love you you know. 

But I have to let you go. I have to let you go. Although I can still see you everywhere, I've got to move on. It hurts the most. Maybe there are better plans for us in the future. Maybe we'll meet again. Maybe we'll end up with somebody else. Maybe one day in a few years we'll look back again and wonder about each other. Maybe we'll never look back at all. Maybe we'll remember, maybe we'll just forget. Maybe we'll smile at what we have ever had. Maybe one of us will leave this world first, and all I've had for you are neverending prayers. Maybe we'll never move on. Maybe we will. Maybe we will never love again. Maybe we will. Uncertainties. Regrets. Sorrowful sorry. Come long miseries. 

I wish you all the best in life and in whatever you do. I hope that you will finally find the man you really wanted to spend your whole life with. I hope that all of your dreams will come true, with or without me. I hope that you will take a good care of yourself. I hope that you will study hard and achieve what you work for. Thank you again for all the cherished memories. I had good times with you. All my smiles, laughs and tears, I regret nothing. I forgive you, and you know where to find me comes one day when you need me the most. But for now, Autumn, I'm letting you go. I have to let you go. I'm sorry, and I let you go. I never did leave you, but when you did leave me, I have no choice but to let you go.

Don't worry about me, I will be alright. I hope I will. 

One day I will.

So Julie,
Now that we were wrong,
I'm sorry that it took so long.

So Julie, when you think of me,
Does it come to mind,
We're living in the same room,
In the same house,
On the same street,
In the same town?

So why don't you come and dance awhile?
So why don't you come and dance awhile?

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

"Because at the end of the day, there are just too many words in me that are left unspoken. And I ought you to know that these words I keep so closely in myself all these times are meant for you to fully understand, because in between these words there are dreams and hopes, wishes and blessings, love and sincerity, and in between these words too, there is me."

p/s: Please bear with me. These few days, if not weeks or months, this blog will be full with my saddening nonsense.

Life is full with mysteries. To those who have lived long enough, they will realize that there were a lot of things that often went unexplained by means of logic and science. And often too these unexplained mysteries bore a lot of speculations; some were correct, some were not. 

I have went missing for a period of two weeks.

Sometimes being honest with self is the hardest, while being honest to others in second hardest thing to do. After taking two long weeks to be honest with myself, I today take the courage to be honest with all of you who often come and visit this blog in a regular basis from time to time. And as I carefully arrange my words in order not to offend anyone nor myself, my mind runs like a failing clockwork. My sore eyes try hard to open, and my trembling fingers work their way to convey what I am going to say next.

Hardest were the last two weeks. 

Love is a delicate matter. When two souls love each other, they start to float to up above the high clouds in happiness and joy. Life seems to be so easygoing and practically charming to deal with. Nothing seems to matter at all but love; love that completes one another and perfects the imperfections of each other. 

But as love starts to fade, there comes the falling rain and thunder. There comes the windy storm and tormenting typhoon. Everything seems to be so wrong in order. Bit by bit the holding hands give away, and the two lovers are thrown away from one another, often so close, yet so far away. And the eternal flight ends immediately, as these two lovers fall fast from the sky and smash into the ground, deep into the deepest pits of sorrow. Alone by self in the dark. 

Miserable best describes what I feel inside. 

It has been two long weeks since I smiled widely. Since I was ever so bloody happy. Since I was so much in love. Since I was so at the peak of my life. Since perfection was perfectly perfect. 

But now, nothing was more lonely than my late nights and my early mornings, and very much in between. Nothing was more empty than my heart now, if there is still any bit of it left, and nothing is more broken than my heart now, if there is still any other bit of it around. Gone were the days of everlasting love; the shared smiles, laughter and dreams. Gone were the warmth and the protective shrouds of shelter. Thunderstorms over my head, breaking grounds below my feet. The future seems so cloudy now; confused, uncertain, indecisive. 

As much as I wept over what had happened, deep inside I know that there is nothing else that can be done to undo all these mess. Needless to say, there is still so much explanations to be done to a lot of people who are anticipating the incoming big day just a few more weeks from now. Whatever it is, what has to be done has to be done, and with a cold heart I walked from one person to another to inform that there will be no such thing anymore. And the receptions I received were mixed; some were shocked, some were sympathetic, some were neutral, some were supportive, while some other laughed. People being people. Being an imperfect man I am, I take all the blame and responsibilities from what happened. 

I have to. 

Looking at how my mom cried and how my dad reacted to the news, my almost-healed heart torn apart into so many pieces. If only those empty door gift boxes could cry too. The long lists of guests. The gloomy walls of despair and sorrows. And almost everything else. I have to be strong, because if I don't, I will only cause many other heartbreaks.   

Never mind my heart. Never mind my heart anymore. 

Had I a chance to turn back time, no matter how physically impossible, I would have had. I would have looked after our mistakes and mend them before they went beyond control. Had I a chance to love better, I would. Had I a chance to be a man that makes everything perfectly, I would have. Had I a chance to love again, I would have. Blame it on me, I take all of them with open arms and open hearts, and may I will be strong and patience in order to walk through yet another Allah's test to me. May my eyes one day stop weeping, and may one day my nightmares stop haunting. May the readers accept this as Allah's fate and please do not blame anybody else but myself. May all be well again, insya Allah.

You left so quickly. I had so much to say.

I am so very sorry my all dear friends, but there will be no wedding for me this time around.

p/s: I will remove all the posts once I am strong enough to face all these. In the mean time, they will stay as they are. Please kindly understand. 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I woke up early this morning. 

Didn't even remember what happened last night. 

With the first cup of coffee as early as at 6.45am and a few bitter cigarettes, I started working. I started doing all the readings, the inspections, the calculations. Mathematics, conceptual engineering, philosophies, sciences, in pursuit of dreams.  

Didn't even notice the sun rose. 

Didn't even notice the sunset either.

Cloaked from everything, from the surrounding. Nothing else mattered.  Nothing ever did. More coffee. More cigarettes. More thinking. In my mind was empty. Entire numbness. I was a robot. I was a machine. Numbers danced on changing empty papers. My eyes weren't alive anymore. 

Bohr. Einstein. Planck. Eddington. Basu. Vijay. 

The barrier of mind limits were broken. 

I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to heal. I just wanted to remember. And be remembered. 

I'm happier this way.

The clock is now showing 9.00pm.

And my hands are still scribbling. 

Happiness. Would you stay longer? 

Because all we wanted was just a bit more.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Assalamualaikum, Hello and Salam 1Malaysia,

It has been quite a while since I last wrote in an elaborated manner. Time has not been very kind to me, as I always saw myself struggling to keep up with it these days. Fortunately, today I have some extra time that I can wisely spend on updating this otherwise dusty blog. 

It would be noticeable by now that I am an UMNO member.

My entrance into UMNO was only recently; I registered in 2009 under the Seri Setia Lembah Keramat (SSLK) branch. However, my involvement with the party has began since 2002 when I was in MRSM Jasin. In June that year, a very drastic change in UMNO had occurred where the nation saw how Dato' Seri Dr. Mahathir Mohamad, now carrying the title Tun, announced his resignation from all posts in Barisan Nasional (BN) and the party during its annual assembly. I, along with other surprised students, watched his announcement that was aired on the evening news when we were about to have our early dinner that day.

That day, some of us shed tears while watching the news. You can find the clips of this in the following video attachments:

News clip from TV3

As taken from spectators' seatings

My history with UMNO did not only start when Tun M announced his resignation. It started when I first got to know about the party movement from my own parents. My mother then worked in Kementerian Belia & Sukan (KBS), where as a child I used to roam the office floor, playing and meeting with a lot of now very prominent figures such as Dato' Seri Mohd Najib Razak (used to give me 50 cents for no reasons every time I met him), Tan Sri Annuar Musa and Dato' Abdul Ghani Othman, who then all were the ministers of KBS. One of my good friend there was Dato' Seri Dr. Ahmad Zahid Hamidi who then was the political secretary of Dato' Seri Najib Razak. 

At home, both my parents introduced me with a lot of information on UMNO and the BN. Both being avid UMNO supporters guided me in knowing my roots and my journey in the future. This of course strengthen my foundation as a politically-savvy kid, but it was not until one day when I was accompanying my mother looking for furniture in Subang Parade when we came across a man, along with two of his bodyguards, whom my mother told me to shake and kiss his hand. He then put his hand on my little head and advised me to study hard. At that time, I have no idea of, or even if I did, I never realize his importance in my life. The identity of this man will be revealed later in this writing. 

When I was in university starting 2003, I was exposed to many political news. In 2003, the sentiment against the BN government was still evidently showing, mostly due to the dismissal of Dato' Seri Anwar Ibrahim from the cabinet back in 1998 due to his sodomy case. Many knew that I came from an UMNO family, and I was not spared from the public bashing by the opposition supporters among the students. However I continued my journey in the open as an UMNO kid, facing mixed opinions from others, most of them were negative. After one point, I decided to stay low for my own safety.

Later in 2008 when the result of the general election was aired, I was in my room at the university watching the television, where one after another seat was lost to the opposition. The BN lost four states as a result to this. This major losses have caused many, including myself, to accept them in complete disbelief. I had been trashed by many opposition-supporting students whom all of them were Malays. I was in my final year at the time. In that year too, I met again with the man who placed his hand on my head when I was little and advised me to study hard. This time, we both shook hands before he handed me my degree in engineering as the chancellor of the university. The smile on his face I cannot forget, let alone the feelings in my heart at that time.  

The Chancellor of Universiti Teknologi PETRONAS, taken at my graduation dinner, 2008.

In 2009, as the local political scene started to show a lot of critical changes, my awareness became significant enough to encourage me to enter the field. I handed in my membership form to Datuk Hj. Mohd. Kassim Othman, the SSLK branch head through my mother, the branch secretary of Pergerakan Wanita UMNO. At that point, my journey in politic made its first formal step. 

My mother (first from left) as the Wanita UMNO SSLK secretary during a meeting

Even as a beginner, I had numerous supports from many people. I started to get involved with a lot of activities hosted by the branch and also by the residents to get to know people and offered help whenever necessary. I started to give out information on many things to clear out confusions and to gain back their confidence in the Barisan. And slowly the people started to realize just how the state administration has abused its power in governing the state, and they are willing to change by voting for the Barisan in the next coming election to again bring back order and balance to the state, other than to have a better administration. 

My most active year is 2011, where I was involved in many activities both held by UMNO and residential committee. The following pictures and accompanying details explain:

With the Pemuda and Puteri members during Kem Jati Diri Pemuda dan Puteri UMNO SSLK
at Dusun Eco Resort on 23-24 July 2011.

While answering questions from the spectators after giving a speech
at Kem Jati Diri Pemuda dan Puteri UMNO SSLK 

While attending Rumah Terbuka Hari Raya Aidilfitri anjuran Gabungan 8910 SSLK,
an NGO that supports UMNO movement at my home area. I am also a member in this NGO.  

With Naib Ketua Pemuda UMNO Gombak (3rd from left), Ketua UMNO Cawangan SSLK and Bendahari Perkasa Selangor, Datuk Haji Mohd Kassim Othman (blue shirt), Ketua Penerangan UMNO Gombak, Ismail Ahmad (3rd from right) and Exco Gabungan 8910, Tuan Sallehuddin Mashor (2nd from right) during Acara Mengacau Dodol anjurang Gabungan 8910 SSLK. 

With Datin Sharifah Salmah Syed Agil, Ketua Pergerakan Wanita UMNO Gombak during Acara Mengacau Dodol anjuran Gabungan 8910. This event involved 5 huge craters or kawahs of dodol and 50 participants. Each crater produced 50 to 60 kg of dodol to be donated to members and residents. 

My latest involvement. Taken during I was giving a speech representing UMNO Gombak to spectators from UMNO Gombak and UMNO Baling in Persidangan Meja Bulat Perwira UMNO held in Kuala Kangsar on 11-13 November 2011. 

With (from left) the Persidangan Meja Bulat Perwira UMNO program secretaria and an UMNO Veteran Pak Zawawi, an accompanying representative from UMNO SSLK who is also my psychological warfare specialist, Muhd Amin Sahak and Ketua Wira Perkasa Selangor, Mohd Nor Safar Mohd Darus. 

At this current moment, I am the assistant secretary of Pusat Daerah Mengundi (PDM) DUN Hulu Klang for the upcoming PRU13. I also have been given the responsibility as the Ketua Penerangan Pemuda UMNO SSLK and an UMNO cybertrooper along with Muhd Amin in the last picture above to work on the psychological warfare for PRU13. 

My involvement in UMNO aims at helping my generation to face the dog-eat-dog world by providing them with information and knowledge about Malaysia's political scene, other than to motivate the elderly to continue supporting the Barisan and the Youth. I am one of relatively very few Malays who are proceeding towards the world of higher academics by enrolling for a PhD. With my knowledge, I believe that I can be a good help towards the society by means of knowledge sharing, for I am aware that not many has the opportunity I've got. 

The government has helped me since I was born, and it is time for me to return the favor by improving the system for a better tomorrow. Although UMNO is a party specifically for the Malays, I offer help to anyone who comes to me regardless of their race. In Malaysia today, BN aims for a united Malaysia, hence 1Malaysia, in order to strengthen the nation's integrity and well-being. In fact I have offered many academical assistance to Malays and non-Malays, international students included, with my expertise to ensure their brighter tomorrows. As also a Barisan Nasional supporter, I have the responsibility to help Malaysians, and not only Malays, as long as it is within my capacity and does not compromise any of the government policy and people's harmony. 

My hopes are that Malaysians can live in peace despite our differences, and together we build a better Malaysia by doing something that matters to the country. We have seen so many people trying to destroy our nation, including our own people, and it is time for us to hold hands and make a change that leads to a long time harmony for the people and not only just for a small portion that may jeopardize the people as a whole. I don't believe that by changing the government as a whole will change anything. The oppositions cannot even control their own people nowadays, how can we give them the mandate to govern an entire nation? The existing government has been here for long as has since worked effectively. It only needs a few improvements here and there, and I am sure that by choosing for the Barisan, Malaysia will be ready for greater challenges of tomorrow.

Make a change. It starts today.