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Mighty Jacksparrow is an Earth-based sub-intergalactic blogger who enjoys writing and in the same time entertaining his ever-amusing will-kill-to-read fans with sensationally hilarious and at times dramatic musings. This blog offers endless ideas and results; they might be charming most of the times but could be offending in some others. Therefore, it is always noble to remind that if you enjoy the pieces, carry on reading, but if they upset you, do quietly leave like the evening breeze and not like exploding diarrhea, which exactly what you will look like if you ever lose it on me. Enjoy! :D

Friday, January 21, 2011

Twenty-Six They Say and I Refused to Admit





Hai.


Today is my birthday. 

(just ignore the age damnit)

Therefore, just like every normal person will do on their birthday, I will take a day leave. 

So the blog will not be updated until when I have sobered up from all the shits they do to you on your birthday.

So till then, enjoy whatever that you can see here so far, and do wait for my return.

Thanks for all the wishes. Thanks for all the wishes. 

You have a great day now.




Best regards,


Thursday, January 20, 2011

#SoMalaysian: Are We at the Right Track?


Since few days back, my Twitter timeline was flooded (at various intensity) with the hash-tag #soMalaysian.

The hash-tag #soMalaysian is a specific hash-tag used by Malaysian tweeters to point out their views on what makes Malaysian Malaysian. This hash-tag has been used by a large number of Twitter users, and the number of tweets on it has steeply increased since it was first introduced. The cause behind it could be because people wanted to make it into the first ten worldwide trending - not a case we have not achieved, last were #tanyanajib and #khairulfahmi previously.



At first, I thought, this could be a good move by us Malaysian tweeters. By making #soMalaysian a worldwide trending for another one hammer time, I was quite excited actually. Imagine, just how the world will again acknowledge us Malaysian on Twitter, this time about us particularly and about the people, the cultures and the multiracial stands we have today in this beloved nation. Now is that not great? In a way, we could be helping the foreigners to have a greater perspective on us, and might trigger their curiosity at an even alarming rate right sufficient enough to draw them all here visiting the country.

As much as I anticipated on the outcomes of #soMalaysian, I was in the end very much disappointed.

#SoMalaysian hash-tag is nothing but mostly a very discouraging (though in some eyes are 'entertaining, funny and unexceptionally hilarious') group of tweets of just how ugly Malaysians are. All the dirty secrets came out since the previous few days for the whole world to view. Interesting enough, some of them were even re-tweeted multiple times.

As much as I too agreed on the facts that carried #SoMalaysian hash-tag, they are not the kinds of things that can possibly represent all Malaysians. Some of them were only practiced by ethnicity. Some of them even only occur in rural areas. And do we take these smallest of localized occurrences to represent us Malaysian? We did. #SoMalaysian appears to expose to the world just how ugly we are. 

I am no doubt a Malaysian. 

But when I looked at the trending of #soMalaysian, I was like, "holy shit, what is this stuff?!" There were a lot of ugly things that happened to the not-so-majority group of people but were tagged as #SoMalaysian. What the FUCK are you talking about? When did I buy bikes for my kids just so that they can race on tarmacs? And that thing on flushing toilets, when did I ever forget to? And miss-calling others for the fun of it? 

Seriously, what is this stuff?

Do we nurture these kids with our #soMalaysian?

When neighboring countries poked on our faces some times back, we were awfully at rage over the matter. We completely denied their accusations and insults that we were no good, that we were useless piece of shits. Today we look at our own Malaysian, proudly presenting #SoMalaysian hash-tag into world wide webs, just as humiliating as how we were humiliated by previously foreign nations. 

The hash-tag should have not been #soMalaysian. It should have been #BadMalaysian or something. Anyway I was wondering too, of all those bad things getting tweeted by Malaysian themselves on #soMalaysian, were they aware that they were, in a way, speaking of themselves? Well aren't these tweeters Malaysian? 

I feel embarrassed, sorry and sad.

If you don't believe me, go ahead and click #soMalaysian now and look for yourself, and then ask yourself once and for all, are you Malaysians of those kinds, provided that #soMalaysian should have represented yourselves and others of the same kinds? 

If not, then are you still Malaysians?





p/s: CIMB - Cina India Melayu Bank.


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Melayu, Anjing dan Najis


Just what did I do wrong!?

* * *


Satu petang di sebuah kedai minum.

Ada seorang manusia sedang duduk seorang diri di meja plastik bulat. Kedai minum itu kelihatan begitu tua sekali, termasuklah orang-orang yang duduk minum di situ, tidak terkecuali manusia tadi. Nampak gaya lelaki tadi rupa parasnya Melayu. Tapi papan tanda kedai tak ada pun yang bahasa Melayu. Nampaknya kedai itu dimiliki oleh satu bangsa lokal lain yang bukan Melayu. Apa dia buat di situ? Di tangannya ada gelas berisi air dan ketul-ketul ais yang timbul dan bergerak-gerak tiap kali gelas itu dihalakan dan dibawa pergi dari mulutnya. Gantungan kulit tua jelas kelihatan apabila isi gelas itu diteguk melepasi tekaknya sebelum gelas itu direhatkan di tepi botol tempat air minuman itu asalnya disimpan.

Oh, dia minum arak rupanya.

Kelibatnya yang selamba menyebabkan aku leka memandang dari seberang jalan tanpa langsung disedari sambil menikmati sebatang gulungan tembakau pahit yang benar menyelerakan. Interesting, kata aku. Langsung tidak merasa bersalah apatah lagi mahu berselindung. Ini barulah namanya Melayu moden! 

Kejap lagi datang seekor anjing ke bawah meja tempat si tua kaki botol itu menunggang, dan si tua itu tersedar akan kewujudan anjing tadi. Berang dengan apa yang dilihat, terus dihentakkan gelas rendah dan bulat tadi ke meja dan terus dilayangkan sebelah kakinya ke kepala anjing tadi. Mereng kepala anjing tadi dibuatnya. Lantas dia bangun dan memandang anjing tadi yang pada waktu itu kepalanya masih merewang tak tau hujung pangkal cerita. 




"Cih!" jerit si tua tadi. "Najis!"





p/s: ini kisah benar.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Benarkah Sistem Pendidikan Malaysia Lemah?


Ini adalah entri intelektual.

Demi untuk menunjukkan betapa intellektualnya entri ini, gaya penulisan entri ini akan digayakan dengan gaya penulisan Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad. Tajuk entri ini adalah sepertimana tertera di atas dan tidak perlu ditulis kembali kerana membuang masa. Tajuk ini perlu dibincangkan secara serius se-serius-seriusnya dan tidak boleh main-main. 




Sebagai amaran, entri ini adalah entri makan dalam. Jaga-jaga.


* * *


1. Ramai rakyat Malaysia menyalahkan sistem pendidikan hari ini kerana gagal membimbing dan mendidik anak-anak mereka menjadi apa yang mereka seringkali hajatkan. Ini termasuklah silibus pendidikan, Menteri Pelajaran,, Kementerian Pelajaran, warga pendidik dan pengajar dan dalam kes-kes ekstrem turut melibatkan tukang kebun dan tukang paip sekolah yang tak ada kena-mengena.

2. Sistem pendidikan di Malaysia sering dibandingkan dengan sistem pendidikan yang dipraktikkan di negara-negara sekeliling baik di dalam Asia Tenggara, Asia mahupun di Eropah dan di Amerika Syarikat. Pihak-pihak yang membuat perbandingan ini berpendapat sistem pendidikan di negara ini sudah lapuk, tidak masuk akal, membodohkan dan tidak membantu sama sekali dalam mendidik para pelajar dalam perjalanan menjadi orang dan bukan monyet di masa akan datang.

3. Persoalannya di sini, adakah benar sistem pendidikan di negara ini adalah seperti yang sedemikian?

4. Melihat kembali kepada hari-hari awal Malaysia, sistem pendidikan negara ini adalah berdasarkan pendidikan Empayar British dan juga pendidikan Melayu yang masing-masing menggunakan bahasa Inggeris dan tulisan rumi untuk sekolah aliran Inggeris manakala bahasa Melayu dan tulisan rumi serta Jawi untuk sekolah aliran Melayu. 

5. Kedua-dua sistem pendidikan ini kemudiannya digabungkan menjadi satu dan kini dikenali sebagai sistem pendidikan Malaysia dan dipraktikkan di sekolah-sekolah umum negara ini.

6. Melihat semula kepada prestasi pelajaran di Malaysia, negara ini telah berjaya melahirkan ramai ahli akademik berpendidikan tinggi yang berjaya sejak dari awal perkenalannya pada tahun seawal tahun 1900. 

7. Jadi sekiranya benar sistem pendidikan di Malaysia adalah bertaraf sampah, maka hari ini kita seharusnya dapat melihat lebih ramai bangsa kita berperilaku seperti monyet daripada manusia. Tapi itu tidak berlaku.

8. Sebaliknya sistem pendidikan Malaysia masih mampu untuk menghasilkan bakat-bakat baru dalam akademik. Rata-rata di sekolah masih ada pelajar berprestasi tinggi dan berprestasi rendah walhal gaya pendidikan yang diamalkan adalah serupa. Keadaan ini serupa sepertimana yang dilihat sejak awal sistem pendidikan diperkenalkan.

9. Jadi layakkah sistem pendidikan negara ini dipersalahkan sepenuhnya? 

10. Pada hari ini adalah sangat mudah untuk pelajar memperoleh maklumat daripada Internet dan tidak seperti dulu di mana untuk mendapatkan secebis maklumat, beberapa buah ensiklopedia perlu diselak dengan penuh kesabaran. Sepatutnya, pelajar pada hari ini seharusnya lebih bijak dan pantas. 

11. Tiada akses ke jaringan Internet adalah alasan yang tidak boleh diterima pakai sepenuhnya kerana pelajar di bandar kebanyakannya telah disediakan perkhidmatan komputer riba dan internet terutamanya di kalangan keluarga mampu. Namun prestasi mereka masih lagi di keadaan yang berbeza. Ada pandai ada kurang pandai.

12. Demi untuk menyedapkan hati sendiri, sesetengah akan menyalahkan guru dan barisan para pengajar yang dikatakan tidak bijak dalam mengajar, malahan kualifikasi mereka dipersoalkan. Untuk menangani masalah ini, sesetengah guru diarah mengajar kelas berprestasi tinggi dan kelas berprestasi rendah secara bergilir-gilir untuk memastikan kedua-dua kelas menjalani latihan serupa.

13. Walaupun ada kenaikan di dalam prestasi pelajar, secara umumnya prestasi itu masih lagi rendah. Ini menimbulkan satu lagi tanda tanya di mana siapa lagi perlu dipersalahkan demi untuk menyedapkan hati semua pihak?

14. Mestilah pelajar sendiri. Duh.

15. Persoalan mengapa adanya pelajar yang berprestasi rendah dan tinggi di dalam satu-satu kelas adalah sangat menarik perhatian. Mereka menjalani latihan serupa, gaya pengajaran serupa, di kelas yang sama dan kondisi yang sama. Tapi kenapa ada perbezaan?

16. Bagaimana pula dengan peranan mak bapak yang pada hari ini dengan senang hati dan tanpa segan silunya menuding jari kepada pihak tenaga pengajar yang kadang-kadang perlu berdepan dengan perangai anak-anak mereka yang macam setan walaupun mengikut kata mak bapaknya di rumah di lagi baik daripada Mother Teresa?

17. Soalan itu saya buka kepada para pembaca untuk menjawab. 


Beza Pelajar Di Kampus Dari Pandangan Ikhlas Aku


Entri ini bukan untuk tujuan provokasi kaum. 

Entri ini bertujuan untuk membuka mata beberapa pihak yang berkenaan. Siapa terasa baca entri ini, maka anda berkemungkinan besar tergolong sebagai pihak yang berkenaan tadi. Maka bacalah dengan tanggungjawab sendiri dan aku takkan bertanggungjawab terhadap apa-apa yang berlaku pada pembaca selepas selesai membaca entri ini.

Sekali lagi, entri ini bukan untuk tujuan provokasi kaum.

Segala yang ditulis di dalam entri ini adalah dilihat dari mata pandangan aku sendiri sepanjang hidup aku. Aku mungkin betul dan aku mungkin salah. Terpulang kepada penilai. Tapi selalunya aku betul. 

Entri ini mengisarkan tentang apa yang aku lihat sepanjang hampir 3 tahun menjadi pendidik dan selama lebih 5 tahun menjadi pelajar di UTP. Ini pun aku tak kata semua, tapi kebanyakannya-lah!



* * * Fesyen Pegi Kelas * * *

Student Melayu: Seluar mahal, baju mahal. Kasut hebat, beg ada brand. Kadang-kadang pergi kelas bawak kertas kosong 2 helai dengan pen tak ada dakwat. Rambut ada gaya. Pakai perfume mahal. Tak pun seluar buruk koyak-koyak, t-shirt faded kaw-kaw, rambut panjang messy habis, selipar jepun bawak pegi jamban, bau longkang. Tak bawak apa-apa pergi kelas. Dia kata style.

Student Cina: Baju biasa atau plain, jeans, beg sandang biasa, tangan ada buku tebal. Rambut pacak tak pun rambut natural. Ada botol air kosong satu.

Student India: Baju biasa, jeans, beg sandang. 



* * * Perangai Masa Lecture * * *

Student Melayu: Datang on time atau lambat. Duduk belakang-belakang. Suka SMS. Tak pun main game dekat handphone. Catat nota lebih kurang. Usha awek atau usha jantan. Kadang-kadang borak. Kalau kelas bosan, tido. Kalau kelas memang dah confirm bosan, tido kat bilik, suruh member sign attendance.

Student Cina: Kelas belum start dia dah ada. Duduk tdekat engah atau depan hall. Catat nota kaw-kaw.

Student India: Selalunya ada di kelas. Duduk tengah atau depan. Jarang catat nota. Tapi attention memang first class.



* * * Bila Ada Kuiz * * *

Student Melayu: Buat sendiri. Tapi kalau tak tau usha member sebelah. Kalau tak datang kelas, suruh member coverkan. Tinggal nak tulis nama je.

Student Cina: Buat sendiri. Tapi mata ada jugak jeling-jeling kiri kanan.

Student India: Buat sendiri. Jarang meniru.




* * * Bila Ada Assignment * * *

Student Melayu: Buat sendiri. Kalau tak tau, tiru. Kalau dari awal memang tak tau, tiru habis. Tak pun tak buat langsung. Bila lambat hantar, alasan bersepah. Pilih mana suka.

Student Cina: Duduk ramai-ramai kat kafe buat sama-sama.

Student India: Sama ada buat sendiri atau buat ramai-ramai.




* * * Gadjet * * *


Student Melayu: Handphone mahal. Laptop mahal. Ada motor/kereta. Motor/kereta pulak ada hias-hias nak match Ferrari. Pergi kelas 5 minit jalan kaki pun naik kereta. 

Student Cina: Handphone yang nak MMS pun kadang-kadang tak boleh. Jarang ada kereta atau motor. Ada basikal je. Laptop. 

Student India: Lebih kurang dengan budak cina.



* * * Aktiviti Sampingan Masa Lapang * * *



Student Melayu: MLM. Main game. Sports. Dating. Internet. Jalan-jalan. Tido. 

Student Cina: Main DoTA. Lepak library. Sports. Tido. 

Student India: Sports. Lepak library. Tido.



* * * Bila Kena Saman * * *


Student Melayu: Komplen. Komplen. Komplen. Taknak mengaku salah. Universiti tak bebas. Tak boleh pakai round-neck, selipar jepun, rambut panjang dan busuk ke kelas. Universiti macam sialan. Tak guna. Makan duit budak. Tak adil. Takkan bayar sampai kena ugut tak boleh masuk exam hall. Komplen balik. Universiti tak memahami kesusahan hidup student yang tak ada duit (sambil hantar SMS pakai iPhone masa lepak makan di Dome). "Kipumakpu punya pak guard."

Student Cina: Komplen. Bayar.

Student India: Bayar. 


* * * Aktiviti Hujung Minggu * * *

Student Melayu: Pergi Ipoh. Enjoy dengan member atau pasangan. Tengok movie. Makan dekat fine dining/franchise. Shopping.

Student Cina: Pergi Ipoh. Makan. Movie. Buat assignment.

Student India: Pergi Ipoh. Makan. Buat assignment. 






* * * Bila Dapat Scholar * * *

Student Melayu: "Bila scholar nak masuk? Bila? Bila? Sial lah. Ini semua konspirasi nak susahkan student." Bila masuk, tak cukup. "Gila apa RM500 nak hidup sebulan!?" Pufukifi betullah siapa yang bagi scholar ni. 2, 3 hari, scholar dah tinggal separuh. Itu pun kalau tak habis. 

Student Cina: "Ok la dapat scholar. Can eat and survive, more than enough dy."

Student India: "Thank you so much for the money :)"






* * * Bila Grad * * *

Student Melayu: Satu kampung datang. Paling happy. Bunga teddy bear hadiah bagai. Snap gambar banyak-banyak masuk Facebook mobile. Third class, second class upper, second class lower. Jarang first class. 

Student Cina: Grad first class atau second class. Dapat bunga. Mak, ayah, adik-beradik datang.

Student India: Grad first class. Kadang-kadang Rector's Award. Family dengan member-member datang. 








Pandangan aku je la kan. Betul tak betul, terrrpulanggggg.


Sunday, January 16, 2011

Kenapa Komputer Saya Meletop

Hai.

Yesterday when I was having fun Twittering and Facebook-ing, some very strange things happened. There were this 'crick-crick-crick' sound came from the back of my CPU. First I thought it was the issue of the power supply unit where the connection of the cable was not secured. So I went and looked at the back of the CPU.

Suddenly, an explosion happened. Blue sparks came out from the back of the CPU followed with some whitish smoke. 

Some things are best to explode massively.


I freaked out and almost shat in my pants. But due to the fact that I have went to the toilet earlier to empty my mobile organic sewage tank just enough to give ways for the remaining solid waste to accumulate for the next routine tank-clearing session. So instead I changed color and rolled myself into a ball like an armadillo does (I wanted to bury my head in earth but my floor is made from concrete and to dig a hole up is just too tiring and time-consuming) for some time. 

When I cooled down, I decided to open up the power supply unit (PSU) where I suspected the smoke came from. I didn't care about the guarantee because it expired ONE day before this happened. What luck. 


Completely naked, baby.

Above is the view of the power supply unit. Everything looked fine until I took a finer look at it. 


Kick ass large capacitors. They zap.

Above are the capacitors meant to regulate the electric output supply to the computer, assuring regulated and tuned power. As you see, there is a brownish smear on the circuit board. Hm, this could be the main reason the PSU went boom. But why?


Something had clearly messed these twin up. 

I kept looking at the failed area of the circuit board until I finally decided to look what was hidden beneath it. The reasons why circuit board fails are generally failing electronic equipments or power surge and short circuit event. 


WTF %@$#


And then when I opened up and lifted the board up, I CURSED frantically. 


Electrically-roasted reptile for tonight's dinner. Take it while it's HOT.

This was a closeup of the little bastard who claimed the lives of my PSU and then itself. The fella was literally fried very well from 500W worth of power. 



That doesn't look so nice, does it?

Above is the view of the base of the PSU where the electric sparks took place. I just can't imagine just how the lizard died, but I am very sure it was very fast and shocking. 

Due to this very unfortunate event, I have to buy myself a new PSU and is showed in the picture below. The computer now is up and running again, and I am now back online. 


EXTREME Power Plus. Bunyi macam ubat kuat.

The power supply unit cost me MYR225.00 though.




Bastard.


Friday, January 14, 2011

Perempuan Murahan dan Tetek yang Gatal


Hai. 

Hari ini kita bakal membincangkan tentang sesuatu yang bakal mengguris hati ramai pihak terutamanya para perempuan yang akan menjadi bahan belasahan untuk entri kali ini. Perbincangan kita pada hari ini secara kasarnya berkisarkan tentang persoalan yang ditujukan oleh Cik Liza Razak di halaman Twitter dan beralamatkan kepada @m_jacksparrow. Persoalan tersebut adalah sepertimana yang tertera di bawah:


Perempuan murah?

Heh. Lauk ni.

* * *


Tidak pula dinyatakan apa erti murah di dalam tweet tersebut. Tapi tidak apa. Dengan kuasa pemerintahan kuku besi selaku pemilik blog, aku dengan senang hatinya menganggap bahawa persoalan itu adalah ditujukan kepada mereka yang berstatus 'perempuan murahan di mata lelaki'. 

Kita lihat dulu definisi perempuan murahan.

Perempuan murahan, atau dalam bahasa Inggerisnya cheap women, adalah satu golongan perempuan yang mana adalah tersangat mudah untuk didekati dan didampingi untuk tujuan-tujuan nakal khususnya oleh golongan lelaki. Tujuan-tujuan jahat ini adalah tidak tertakluk hanya pada tubuh badan, di mana perempuan-perempuan yang tergolong sebagai cheap women ini membenarkan dirinya disentuh dan diperlakukan apa saja sewenang-wenangnya oleh mana-mana (perhatikan perkataan yang ditebalkan) lelaki dengan sebutharga semurah kata-kata, juga melalui tutur bicara dan perilaku yang sejurusnya dikawal oleh para laki-laki, juga pada satu sebutharga. 

Persoalannya, adakah dengan berbuat sedemikian oleh perempuan kepada lelaki yang disayangi dan dicintai dikira murahan? Contohnya kekasih ataupun skandal? Itu susah nak kata. Ada yang berpendapat ya, dan ada juga yang kata itu adalah tidak murah kerana ada unsur-unsur kesetiaan, cinta dan hanya kepada satu lelaki pada satu-satu masa, dan adalah amat berlainan kepada golongan perempuan murahan kerana golongan ini tidak kira sayang atau tidak, setia atau tidak, dan selalunya memberi khidmat kepada lebih daripada satu lelaki sahaja. 

This is why they are called cheap women.

Kategori-kategori cheap women ini berbeza-beza. Ada yang kategori biasa dan ada yang kategori melampau. Untuk lebih lanjut, kita lihat senarai di bawah yang menggolongkan semula golongan perempuan murahan ini di dalam kelas-kelas yang berbeza.


Kategori A: Gatal
Ini adalah golongan perempuan yang gatal atau flirty. Golongan ini bukan saja menggatal secara terbuka malahan berbangga dengan kaedah-kaedah memikat lelaki melalui cara-cara yang adakalanya bila terlihat menyebabkan satu rasa lain macam di dalam perut. Golongan ini sudahlah gatal, memikat lelaki pula menggunakan kaedah-kaedah yang tiada class pula. Tapi yang baiknya, mereka ini sekadar menggatal sahaja dan masih menjaga maruah tubuh badan. 

Contoh: Puak-puak yang menggedik di Twitter dan Facebook dengan post-post yang sedikit double entandre.


Kategori B: Sangat Gatal
Golongan kedua ini adalah agak kehadapan sedikit. Mereka bukan saja menggatal di khalayak ramai malahan memberi laluan sepenuhnya kepada lelaki untuk dilihat, disentuh dan didengari. Golongan ini belum pandai mengenal erti wang dan kuasa di sebalik perkhidmatan, dan selalunya berbuat demikian kerana mahukan perhatian semata-mata. Kategori ini selalunya dikhaskan kepada golongan perempuan yang gemarkan perhatian dan belaian lelaki. Yang bagusnya mereka ini masih kenal batas, walaupun ada juga sipi-sipi yang terlepas. 

Contoh: Minah-minah baru clash yang sangat-sangat perlukan perhatian lelaki dengan apa harga sekalipun.


Kategori C: Habis Gatal
Ini punya golongan dah kenal wang dan kuasa. They usually go all-out. Asalkan ada timbal-balik, semua jalan. Golongan ini sudah tak kisah batas. Tak kira siapa saja, jalan! Tak ada hal. Asal duit masuk, attention dapat, ada pula lagi benefit and privilege lain, semua boleh. Ini kira pukul habis la ni. Masuk filem 3GP pun tak ada hal-lah kata orang. 

Contoh: Minah rempit.


* * *


Untuk menjawab soalan Liza tadi, iaitu kenapa perempuan murah sangat (bukan saja di zaman sekarang ya) adalah mudah. 


1. Pulangan 
Dengan menjadi murah, ini dapat mengundang perhatian lelaki tanpa perlu berbekalkan muka yang lawa dan badan yang PERGH!. Ini membezakan mereka dengan golongan cantik, perasan cantik, pandai dan lain-lain yang tidak semua lelaki berani nak dekat. Antara pulangan lain daripada aktiviti berlaku murahan ini adalah wang dan kuasa. Katakan satu malam keluar dengan 5 orang skandal berbeza dan setiap kali keluar dapat makan dan minum mereka belanja, tak ke seronok namanya tu? Hendak pula yang kehidupannya sempit, tak punya banyak duit.

Tapi lepas tu mendapatlah. 

2. Sangap
Nafsu beb, nafsu. Siapa berani cakap perempuan tak ada nafsu seksual. Persoalannya sama ada tunjuk atau tidak saja. Bila air dah naik ke kepala, dah tak kisah apa benda, semua pun jalan. Dapat mana-mana yang sudi, tak perlu bayar pun tak apa. Bangla minum air kosong mencangkung tepi jalan pun boleh. Asalkan dapat lepas saja.

Lepas tu menggelabah bila perut mula buncit.

3. Tekanan
Ramai perempuan yang tidaklah lawa mana yang mengidamkan tumpuan daripada lelaki sepertimana yang dinikmati perempuan-perempuan lain yang boleh dikatakan boleh mencuri tumpuan hanya dengan menarik nafas sahaja. Siapa tak mahu jadi tumpuan? Kalau anda perempuan, apa cara paling mudah untuk dibuat demi menjadi tumpuan lelaki? Yezza. Kau memang pandai. Kalau tak percaya, cuba benda ini: Tweet atau post "eh gatal pula tetek ni". Tengoklah berapa banyak reply anda dapat. Itu belum kira yang DM atau private message anda lagi. 

Tekanan lain pula berpunca daripada lelaki-lelaki sekeliling yang mantop iaitu mempunyai ciri-ciri lelaki idaman yang tidak mungkin dapat dimenangi oleh diri sang perempuan, menyebabkan dirinya tertekan untuk diperlakukan apa saja oleh lelaki tersebut hanya untuk mendampinginya pada sekian-sekian masa. Asalkan puas hati. Ini bukan skandal. Kalau skandal at least ada sedikit faktor tolak ansur dan ambil berat. Ini apa pun tak ada. Kira habis murah la ni. 



Maka dengan itu terjawablah persoalan Cik Liza tadi. 




Eh betulkah apa yang aku tulis? Kalau ada yang tak cukup sila tambah-tambahkan, tengok apa pandangan pembaca pula. 


Thank You, My Dear Unbeloved Baboon.



In life, there are two types of people you will meet
those who say thank you, and those who don't.


* * *


As a social animal, human prone to be surrounded by many others of the same kind who give and receive attentions to each other to fulfill the requirement as social pacts. The interactions in between the species varies in terms of intensity, method and other compounding variables that more or less shape the way communications are performed in between two or more of these very intelligent primates. However, more often than not we miss to notice that despite human being the only social beings that are able to vastly communicate, there are some who at times brought uneasiness in communication processes that take place at every second of the day. 

Also known as spoilers, these type of people most commonly contribute in sparking negative emotions in the members of which certain types of communication that include them. These are the mostly ill-mannered, rough, proud, often making noises to attract easy attentions, and as one may already ponder about, poorly educated, in a sense of social ethics.

My suggestion is to avoid these types of spoilers best when you spot them. There shall be no need for conflicts, though in every circumstances the chance for conflicts to occur is pretty high, for conflicts are for those who are not quite conscious of what specifically happen to them. Amidst the rule for engagement should one day a conflict might brew with these kind of fouling fodders, it is best to withdraw the swords, for these kinds of blindfolded fighters fight more like a thousand baboons at rage - full of energy but is channeled to non-specific targets, only aiming at mass destructions but missing most of the intended targets. 

In the army, these people are not suitable to handle a machine gun or any gunnery equipment for safety reason; these trigger-happy people may not only be emptying the barrel in less than a minute without even hitting a target but instead sending the whole battalion into chaos for aiming and sending out friendly fires. Having them to work in a nuclear power plant will be the worst mistake ever done in the whole history of mankind, second to having them in this world in the first place. 

Intolerable, arrogant, mindless and superbly and terrifyingly irritating and annoying bunch of fellas. An undeveloped potato can win them over by 50 points when it comes to IQ test. It was once rumored that even a tiny little pebble can outsmart them in a tic-tac-toe game, and a helpless electric guitar to trash them by minutes in a 100 meter sprint. 

To quarrel with an immature, proud and loud person is like to drain a moving river with a pail, one full bucket at a time - it never ends, and only end up embarrassingly. Much as I express my sadness for having accidentally bumped into them and tried my best to assist, only to in the end get not only humiliated but charged with very despicable replies (though this was fairly expected mainly from early justifications made on their choice of words when speaking - very very ill-mannered), I have somehow grown into not to give any affordable attention to them anymore, for my time is best spent to those who are worth it. 

To name one, a few days back I was assisting, or rather trying to, an undergraduate student from a local university (not UTP) over some questions he needed help with via social media. He made countless mistakes in deriving the questions (it was a Bernoulli's and a few thermal-energy related issues), and in the same time stood rigidly from being corrected, and instead of, accused me for bluffing him off and advised me to study on thermal energy before speaking to him again.

I have been in thermal energy field for almost four years you stupid sonofabitch.

Therefore, avoid them at all cost. Always remember to remain at your class, for succumbing into theirs shows that you are of no class at all. When challenged or criticized by this time of people, simply nod off and allow them to proceed with their subjects - pride and self-claimed fame - and carry on with what we were with previously. It saves times generally, and prevents humiliations, primarily. There is no way to change these people no more, for they are already way too damaged that if ever to be repaired will not only cause another waves of damages but also wasting a lot of treasured times. Just give them what they want, they'll walk away. Just like what I did to the student mentioned previously.



Because nothing makes my day better than to know that he is making God-knows-how-much errors each god damn day throughout his entire life. 


* * *



In life, there are two types of people you will meet
those who say thank you, and those who don't.


Tips: Stick with the first one, middle finger at the other.



Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Anticipated Debate and Buying Fish


Everyone is anticipating about the debate challenge originated from DS Anwar Ibrahim towards the prime minister, DS Najib Razak.

Which to me, of course, is pointless.

Though some pointed out that by initiating a debate in between the two great minds, the people may become instantly educated and therefore be able to choose wisely in between the two, I beg to think the otherwise. 

A debate, first and foremost, is "a formal method of interactive and representational argument. Debate is a broader form of argument than logical argument, which only examines consistency from axiom, and factual argument, which only examines what is or isn't the case or rhetoric which is a technique of persuasion. Though logical consistency, factual accuracy and some degree of emotional appeal to the audience are important elements of the art of persuasion, in debating, one side often prevails over the other side by presenting a superior "context" and/or framework of the issue, which is far more subtle and strategic" (source: Wikipedia).

Mind the word mentioned up there: persuasion. Debate is an art of convincing by means of superiority. The point is to make the opponent to shut the hell up. This technique, though quite hard to master, can be very beneficial in winning arguments. As long as one is able to condemn the opponent to an end of silence, then he shall be announced as the superior winner. But just how accurate that the arguments can be? 

Provided that DS Anwar Ibrahim is already a bewildered speaker, his talent mostly revolves around his words. He has the advantage of advancing his moves by mobilizing his entire speech. DS Najib Razak on the other hand is not quite a speaker. This difference in debating ability in both sides has already determined the ending outcomes. And if I were Najib too, I would have done the same.



Take me for example, I am quite an established writer.  I have wide range of vocabulary and tactical ways of writing. With this talent I am able to do many things; all of them mainly depending of what my intentions are at the time. Therefore, if I ever to challenge a person in a writing contest, and provided that I have adequate knowledge that the person I am challenging has moderate, if not poor, ability in writing, I would have done it, just because I can already predict the outcomes of the rivalry contest. This situation can be clearly visualized in the effort shown by Anwar by challenging Najib into a duel, which he convincingly knows that Najib would have completely declined, hence his winning prizes were granted once Najib did. 




And therefore Anwar can gain more supporters: a solid move to collect back all the supporting losses previously, especially for the incoming general election.

The unknowing minds will portray that Najib happens to be a coward and that Anwar is at the right side. It is commonly typical, given that mostly the Malaysian ways of thinking are partially to completely funny. Malaysian loves provocation very much for still unknowing reasons; a trait that generally consumes the bearer once he or she is challenged into a similar kind of duel. 

Because some Malaysians are just like that: they love conflicts that occur between any interesting parties, be it in politic or socially-derived events, but chicken out when they themselves become the involving parties. Furthermore, it is not very hard to convince a large group of poorly-informed people, especially those who are poorly educated, ignorants, and not able to get their hands to informations. This too depends on how the convincer acts upon them, be it with provocations, facts and some other methods. 

Therefore too, I think that the debate will not only project into a catastrophic ending but as well missing the real pictures in local political scenes and whatnots. It will be more productive if both parties can come out with factual statistics and data rather than debating on stuffs that perhaps will take years to debate on. That way not only real facts (better be certified facts before each party asks about its originality), not only statistical and analytical review can be done perfectly but also justifications can be done independently and realistically.


The only guy with the coolest reaction.

Who would you have trusted; the cooking oil price you see on the shelf at Tesco for yourself, or the price of cooking oil overheard from a heated argument in between two strangers you bumped into on the way there? 


Think about it. 




p/s: Malaysian ways of thinking are really funny, don't you think?


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Oh Aku Sayang Kamu Juga!



Aww.

Aku sayang kamu juga, Fiza!

p/s: maaf. baru semalam perasan. memalukan di situ. 

tak, aku still tak sombong.


The ETP: Brief Opinions on The Matter


Despite the recently announced Economic Transformational Project (ETP) by the Prime Minister to further develop the nation into a high-income country from the current mid-income one, numbing questions started to surface on how specifically the success of ETP may be reached mainly due to the concerns about the weak global economic waves and instability of various businesses around the world. The visions to create a high-income Malaysia is rather exclusive and extravagant, due to which the ETP was announced in early 2011 where the future of many current economic efforts are quite inconclusive. 

The ETP promises RM67 billions worth of investments most prominently in the oil and gas business, healthcare and data center among other related industries that require vast amount of not only monetary power but as well technologies to be continuously pumped into the country. Apart from the large number of more than 35,000 allocated jobs once the ETP is in its growing period, the absolute success of the plan is still in question. The rigidity of the plan is very astounding, but yet perhaps the total faith in the mega project is still not properly conceived by the people of Malaysia. 

Many Malaysians too do not know or/and properly understand the government's aim in launching the ETP. Negative comments flow continuously towards the mover of the project, though rather finely expected, but it seems that the project still faces the problem in convincing the people of its outcomes. Best described as still in its initializing era, the ETP does not deserve quick justifications and meets its predicted verdict quicker than expected, as is supposed to be allowed to quickly initiate and meet its objective prior to the whole blue plan described by Dato' Seri Najib Razak, the prime minister of Malaysia, recently.

The effects from the project are highly beneficial in terms of economic drive and social responsibilities. With growing numbers of experts currently penetrating the rich hydrocarbon deposit blocks within the Malaysian water, the oil and gas industry is seen to hit its new transformation in terms of better hydrocarbon management and refurbishment of old offshore complexes to increase daily oil productions. In terms of deepwater technology, the valuable information transfered into this country is important, mainly supported by the amount of hydrocarbon deposits still lying up to more than 2,000 meter below water surface in certain oil blocks off Sabah shorelines. 

Other than the main concerns about possible nuclear disasters, the government has made the right decision to establish a nuclear powerplant to power up the nation's electricity lines. Currently depending on mainly coal and hydroelectric motive powers, the aging plants are not sufficient to supply the growing demands of energy currently faced by the country today. The limited geographical area suitable for dams makes it difficult to build one, and further dependency on coal may introduce the country to higher expenditure due to the hiking price of coal worldwide. Nuclear disaster from failing nuclear powerplants, though possible, is heavily overrated mainly due to lack of information about just how nuclear power sources are managed, other than being a second attempt to erect a nuclear facility in this home ground of Malaysian. 

Heavy development in pharmaceutical and medical sectors will soon improve the health of the people and reduce the dependencies on foreign advices on the mentioned sectors. Increment in knowledge in the sectors will further provide the local experts with information on health handling and management, hence lowering the needs to employ non-locals for health consultations. With these available knowledge and experties, average medical costs may be reduced hence makes it affordable for everyone to enjoy health benefits necessarily. This may also apply for tourism and education transformation projects too, where instead of sending local students out, Malaysia will soon be able to attract non-locals to enroll into new education centers established in this country.

Following the slow-moving agricultural sector in Malaysia, the agricultural expansion pack also included in the ETP will boost the sector forward at a recognizable rate in not only conventional cultivations but also advance techniques in mass food production to sustain the needs of Malaysians overall. With growing biotechnology industries in the country, Malaysia is looking into a total development in food cultivating culture, in line with the government aim to provide food for everyone from home-grown products hence declining the needs to import large quantities of food from other world countries. In later years, with continuous efforts and good management, this objective may be met, provided that as a tropical country located near the equator with vast amount of fertile land and continuous supply of the sun, Malaysia does not have any problem particularly in cultivating large crops for food processing. 

Another good effort also enlisted in the 19 projects is to develop a high intelligent country by promoting mass investments in the education sector. As per current date, Malaysia lacks of academicians and hence highly educated experts that are valuable assets in managing a high income country. This serious problem may soon meet its solution when the people can properly choose their education options from large offers from many education centers in the country. With increasing number of postgraduates in the country, better management and education systems are highly anticipated. With sufficient highly educated professional movers, Malaysia may be able to hit the Vision 2020 with an easy pace. 

However, the ETP is still in its early progression and needs to be evaluated and properly and carefully monitored to ensure better outcomes. It is important to stay optimistic for now unless there are proven links and signs that the plan may not be as successful as it is hoped for, if not extremely a failure. The heat can now be experienced with more and more ideas, opinions and actions are pumped into the ETP effort bank by daily basis, and with good management, it is not impossible that the ETP may be the largest and most successful tool to providently sustain not only the energy, social and commodity businesses but also the wellbeing of the Malaysian people entirely for years to come. 


Tutup, Tutup, Balik Malaysia.


Ini adalah post lepas geram.


Eh apalah kau Jack post dekat blog nak lepas geram, macam perempuan!


Habis tu, nak buat macam mana lagi? Nak pergi punching-punching? Punching muka siapa, muka kau? Manusia ni kalau dah geram, kena keluarkan. Macam jugak time nak buang angin dan sisa-sisa cecair serta pepejal dalam badan. Takkan kau nak biarkan bertakung. Dah la kapasiti bukan besar sangat. Samalah macam geram jugak. Dah penuh, kena la keluarkan, baru boleh isi yang baru nanti. Jangan biar sampai penuh melimpah, karang kalau tangki geram pecah, susah. Itu pasal kadang-kadang kalau pagi-pagi baru bangun tidur pergi ruang tamu baca paper sambil garu belakang (oh syiok seh) tengok-tengok ada cerita orang mengamuk layang parang la, bini tua kena tetak la, apa la. Kes orang kena liwat pun adalah satu contoh kes lepas geram, tapi itu geram lain. Itu tak sama dengan geram dalam jiwa aku ni.

Aku cukup geram dengan perangai setengah-setengah anak Adam ni. 

Antara benda yang paling aku geram sekali ialah masa beratur di cashier kalau pergi supermarket. Aku bukan geram pasal kena beratur tapi pasal orang-orang depan aku yang memang kadang-kadang aku cukup berbulu betul. Okay, kau bayangkan kau pergi supermarket tolak troli merata dan ambil barang-barang yang kau nak beli. Ayam beku, susu kotak, tisu jamban, sup bunjut, kobis separuh, cokelat, sabun, shampu apa segala sampai penuh troli tu, then agak-agak dah cukup kau pun pergi la ke kaunter cashier tu. 

Dalam kepala kau dah siap congak-congak dah agak -agak berapa ratus kau kena keluarkan kat cashier tu nanti, dan kau pun dah siap-siap keluarkan duit dari dalam wallet (atau mana-mana tempat tersorok strategik lain sekitar badan). Depan kau ada la dua, tiga orang, dan nak dijadikan cerita ada la seorang perempuan. Bila cashier tu dah tit tit semua barang dia,  baru la dia terkial-kial nak keluarkan duit dari beg tangan then purse dia (aku pernah nampak sorang nenek ni keluarkan duit dari bra dia, kat Carrefour) then boleh pulak purse tu jatuh ke lantai. Masa nak ambil purse tu balik beg tangan pulak meleret jatuh dari bahu. Tudung pulak dah serabai lah apa lah. Lepas tu terkial-kial nak korek purse, boleh pulak tanya "eh berapa tadi?" dekat cashier padahal depan mata dah terpampang skrin LCD tulis nilai sebut harga yang perlu dibayar. Orang kat belakang berbulu je tengok.

Kadang-kadang kalau beli shampu pun kes yang sama. Padahal memang dah tau dah harga shampu tu RM7.90. Apalah salahnya keluarkan dulu sehelai wang merah siap-siap? Ini tak, depan cashier tu jugak dia nak korek purse dia. Hangin aku. Tu belum kira yang jenis parking troli tengah jalan sambil berborak takpun tengok-tengok barang lagi. Selalunya memang perempuan. Kau tak percaya kau pergi Tesco ke mana-mana, tengok ada ke tidak orang macam ni. Takdelah aku kata semua perempuan. Setengah-setengah je. 

Antara benda lain yang bikin aku hangin satu badan adalah yang jenis melaram tak tentu pasal. Kadang-kadang kalau pergi shopping complex ke, mesti ada punyalah jenis-jenis ni. Aku kalau yang jenis fesyen funky-funky ni aku boleh tahan lagi lah. Tapi kalau yang stok pakai cermin mata hitam dalam bangunan, apa cerita? Apa kau ingat kau Lady Gaga? Tak pun jenis yang pakai hoodie, pakai jaket kulit bagai tengahari buta. Tak melecet ke ketiak kau? Boleh cakap satu badan dia dah lencun berpeluh-peluh, stok peluh kat dahi tu memang tak payah cakap la. Tapi dia rilek je jalan-jalan. Cuba bayangkan kalau dia libas muka dia time dia melintas sebelah kau masa kau tengah makan roti canai. 

Itu memang kes roti canai epic sepanjang hidup kau la kot. 

Cakap pasal peluh, ni satu lagi benda kasi aku hangin. Ini baik lelaki baik perempuan, sama dua-dua. Bau badan. Paling senang nak experience benda ni adalah di dalam Komuter time orang balik kerja. Pergh. Memang terbaik. Nak-nak bagi budak-budak perempuan yang kecik-kecik comel-comel rendang-rendang semua yang entah apa nasib terpaksa berdiri sebelah jantan-jantan yang tak pernah kenal apa itu deodorant. Ha siap la kau. Kejap lagi dia masa tren mula bergerak, dia pun angkat tangan sebab nak pegang pemegang tangan kat atas kepala tu. Ha merasa la kau. 




Perempuan pun ada. Ni jenis yang sama jugak. Tak reti pakai deodorant. Pernah la sekali ni masa aku undergrad, kelas pukul 12.00 - 1.00pm. Aku duduk dekat tengah-tengah lecture hall, buat bising macam biasa. Kejap lagi ada sorang minah ni masuk kelas, terus duduk depan kitorang. Terus senyap satu row depan belakang. Bau dia, pergh. Aku pun tak tau nak describe la beb bau dia macam mana. Satu macam punya tengik. Meleleh jugak la air mata nak tahan bau dia. Terpaksa tahan je la bau tu, takkan nak tahan napas. Tak bernapas la aku nanti. Itu belum kes masa dalam lif lagi. Dia sorang je cukup la dalam tu. Tu kira elevator ride paling lama la aku penah rasa, walaupun sebenarnya naik dua tingkat je. 

Ha, apa lagi aku tak puas hati?

Ada satu lagi. Last, last. Aku tak puas hati dengan mak bapak yang tak jaga anak diorang. Itu lagi aku berangin. Kadang-kadang time dekat kedai makan, mesti ada punyalah budak-budak yang berlari ke sana ke mari tak tentu pasal. Mesti akan ada punyalah budak yang melalak menangis punyalah bingit. Mak bapak dia buat tak tau je. Takpun tengok aje. Bukannya nak dipujuk, nak dimarah ke budak tu. Kalau aku dulu masa kecik-kecik buat perangai macam tu, rasanya tak sampai 3 saat pun aku dah kena lepuk dengan bapak aku. Harapnya tolong la mana-mana mak bapak yang macam ni beri kerjasama jaga anak-anak masing-masing. Besok kalau dah ter-landing atas kuali roti canai ke dalam periuk kuah dal ke, dah tak guna menyesal. Time tu mulalah nak salahkan semua orang. Tak pasal-pasal dengan kerajaan pun kena. Apa pulak kerajaan yang salah? Adakah kerana kenaikan harga bahan mentah di pasaran tempatan menyebabkan anak kau termasuk dalam periuk kuah dal? 

Nanti adalah siapa-siapa yang terasa penting pergi sita barang-barang kedai tu. Suruh pekerja dia balik India. Itu lagi satu benda bodoh yang hanginnn je bila aku baca dalam newspaper hari tu. 

Cukuplah setakat di sini bebelan aku hari ni. Sebelum bilik aku ni jadi rumah peranginan sebab banyak sangat benda yang aku hanginkan, adalah lebih baik kiranya aku chiow dulu. 

p/s: kalau blog aku kena sita, apa agaknya orang akan cakap? "Tutup, tutup, balik Malaysia"? WTF.

Sombong Sial Kau Ni Jacksparrow!


Ada orang kata aku sombong.

Dia kata aku pilih kawan. Aku ni kawan dengan artis, ikon-ikon besar dan awek-awek cun je. Tak pandang la orang-orang common selain daripada kategori yang tiga tadi. Tak reti nak tegur orang. Kalau ditegur tak pernah nak tegur balik. Kalau bercakap nak dalam English je. Berlagak habis la kalau kata orang. 


Entah.


Aku pun tak tau nak cakap macam mana. Aku bukan berangan sangat nak kenal-kenal dengan artis ni. Tapi kalau dekat Twitter dengan Facebook pun, aku berborak jugak dengan rakyat jelata yang ada la dalam 800 orang so far dekat Facebook, 600 lebih lagi dekat Twitter. Tak ada la yang terlepas pandang ke apa. Kalau ada yang kena buang negeri tu, alasan dia mudah saja: sama ada kau dah bakar hati kertas aku ni, atau dah kau memang saja carik pasal nak kena buang dari Twitter dan Facebook aku. So itu kau tak boleh marah la kan. Aku pun ada perasaan. Aku bukan ayam. 

Kalau ada kes yang tegur aku tapi aku tak tegur balik, itu bukan pasal aku sombong. Kadang-kadang yang berjalan tu badan aku saja. Roh aku ada kat tempat lain. Kadang-kadang kalau aku tengah berpikir tu, tu pun lagi satu hal. Mak aku hambat dengan penyapu depan mata pun aku tak perasan. Lagipun telinga aku ni pun bukan betul sangat. Kadang-kadang kena panggil 4, 5 kali baru aku menjawab. Aku ni macam ada pekak sikit. Aku rasa mic telinga aku dah nak blow kot.

Part aku tak tegur awek tak cun tu, karang kalau aku kata aku ada je tegur awek tak cun nanti kau kata aku ni macam la hensem sangat. So senang cerita, aku tegur je lelaki perempuan pondan segala. Aku takde nak pilih-pilih punya. Dekat Twitter tu lagi la, kadang-kadang dengan bot pun (bot yang programming tu, bukan kapal) aku ajak berborak. Kadang-kadang kalau angin tak betul aku datang, dengan diri sendiri pun aku tweet. 

Pasal cakap orang putih, alahai, kau ni betullah. Bukan sepanjang masa aku pakai English. Merepek apa. Takkan la aku nak beli nasik lemak dekat simpang depan tempat Makcik Limah tu nak cakap orang putih, "hello, jolly good morning my dearest beloved old lady, may I have a serving of coconut-milk steamed-rice with that impressive looking cockles cooked in chili paste sauce and that extravagant-looking slices of extraordinarily delicious cucumber, and a piece of that temptingly delightful fried egg and that crispy deep-fried anchovies and a half boiled egg, all take away, please?" Tu memang nak kena penyepak la dengan anak dara makcik tu (nama dia Ina), kalau tak kena hentak awal-awal dengan periuk besar Mak Limah kat kepala. Ada masa, aku pakai English, ada masa, aku pakai bahasa Melayu. 


Aku pun orang jugak. Aku campur je semua orang. Artis aku kawan, ikon aku kawan, orang ke, bukan orang ke, kucing ke kertas tisu ke, semua aku kawan. Aku pun makan belacan jugak. Pagi-pagi aku berak jugak. Aku sama je dengan semua orang. So jangan la kata aku sombong. Aku tak sombong punyalah kalau kena gaya. Kalau tak kena gaya, itu dah cerita lain. Takkan la orang dah usik-usik aku lebih-lebih aku nak biarkan je. Aku bukan ayam. Ayam pun melawan kalau kau usik-usik dia. 

Kalau aku terbuat silap ke apa, tolong ingatkan aku, bak kata Ana Raffali, pemenang Anugerah Juara Lagu paling kontroversi zaman ini. Ana Raffali tu dulu satu kelas dengan aku masa sekolah menengah. Duduk pun lat dua rumah dari rumah aku. Tapi dia tak ingat aku pun. So adakah dia sombong? Itu aku tak tau. Itu kena tanya dia. Itu pun satu hal lagi. Kalau aku cerita kat orang, orang kata aku penipu besar, tak pun berkawan dengan artis je. Cilakak. Dia memang dah duduk sebelah rumah aku. Takkan la aku nak hempuk, halau dia keluar rumah? Gila kau. Dia baling dengan trofi nanti. Trofi tu besi, tau?

So kalau masih ada yang rasa aku ni sombong, try la tegur-tegur aku kalau nak kenal-kenal. Kadang-kadang aku pun heran pasal ramai je yang baca blog ni hari-hari tapi tak ada yang nak drop comment. Post-post aku semua stok tak boleh komen ke? Ke orang takut nak komen kat blog ni? Apa nak takut, aku bukan suka sangat hentam orang. Takkan la orang nak komen kat blog aku, aku nak hentam kot. Apa korang kalau posmen datang rumah hantar surat, ada korang baling dengan lesung ke? Tengok surat la jugak kan. Kalau surat merepek-repek (gores dan menang, surat layang, diskaun kedai bra, skim cepat kaya, jual ubat batin pasti tegang etc) memang siap la siapa yang hantar tu. Sama la macam kat sini. Kalau komen elok-elok, sure aku publish punya. Baru aku tau apa pendapat pembaca. 

Kalau nampak aku online dekat Twitter ke Facebook ke (atau untuk yang terpilih, di Skype, YM dan Gtalk), tegur je aku. Aku sure boleh tegur balik. Bukan la aku ni berjiwa diva nak kena tegur dulu baru nak menjawab. Aku taknak la nanti orang kata aku kaki mencapab pulak. Aku bukan Dr Rozmey atau Uncle Seekers. Kalau tak percaya cuba la buat tengok macam mana. Harap benda ni sedikit sebanyak dapat la menolong komunikasi antara aku dengan korang semua. Akhir kata terima kasih banyak-banyak sebab melayan post jiwang ni, dan dijemput la korang join fanpage aku sepertimana URLnya tertera di bawah dah di sebelah kanan post ini. Terukan menyokong dan terima kasih sekali lagi. Maap makan minum tak ada. Nanti la sok kalau aku dah kaya aku buat la majlis sikit untuk korang ye.  



::Klik SINI untuk ohsemness::


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Nothing


I just don't get it.

Before we proceed, I would like to state that there are so many things that I don't exactly get the ideas behind them but nevertheless happen in this world daily. For instance, how women can experience mood changes in less than a split second, why some people hum very tedious and cheerful march songs while peeing and the all-time puzzling and mind-riddling question of why exactly did the chicken cross the road? and the sort of other troubling questions that otherwise answered will always be the reason why my mind gets cracked up every now and then. So bear with me on this one because, trust me my dear readers, it will unknowingly happen again. 


CAN SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHY

So let's move on.

Imagine that you are walking into your room one midsummer morning and see your _____ (choose from the following: roommate/friend/sibling/parent/partner/soul/other human elements) sitting on your chair with both legs resting on top of your table while one hand digging the nose, one hand is inside the pants scratching the butt and doing a couple of other things too such as peeping on the girl next door hanging her undies on outdoor cloth hangers, slapping an unfortunate mosquito against the wall flat, burping and humming that one stupid song you wish you'll never have to listen to again, and worst, farting and trying to match the keynotes of that stupid song that was hummed earlier with the neverending supply of morning gas supply. 


Digging for gold. Whoaa damn syiok you know.


And then you ask that person, "what are you doing?"

And the reply will usually be, "nothing."

Nothing. How exactly can that be? Clearly he (or she, depending on the gender of this case victim) was digging his nose, scratching his butt, smacking a mosquito right on and squashed it into a million pieces of smearing blood and inner guts, peeping on the girl next door, burping, humming, farting and trying to perform an orchestral performance using nothing but his wet-sounding farts. Clearly he was doing all those but nothing.  

I am sure most of you have gone through the same experience. 

So it occurred to me, really, that why exactly we choose to say from time to time that we were doing nothing when asked? 

"Hello laling. Sorry ah calling you at night. I damn horny la. Eh what you doing? Nothing? Nothing ah? Serious?"

"Yo bro, aku nampak kau kat opis tadi sibuk-sibuk. Kau buat apa? Tak ada apa-apa? Serious?"

"So what did you do the whole weekend at home, that was two days long? Nothing? Serious?

Sometimes, this occurs too to places. For instance, let's take a look at the conversation below in Malay:

"Kau keluar ke tadi? Kau pergi mana beb?"

"Tak pergi mana pun dowh! Dah la hujan. Aku pergi kompleks je tadi. Then aku lepak mamak tunggu hujan berhenti. Pastu pergi pickup barang jap kat ofis. Time on the way balik tadi rasa macam nak singgah kedai Janda Bontot Besar tu kejap. Lepas lepak, aku terus chiow balik sini. Tapi sebelum tu aku singgah 7-E kejap beli rokok. Jumpa plak brader jual ikan tu. Dia ajak plak lepak kedai ikan dia. Then sebab hujan dah reda sikit, dia ajak pergi mancing udang plak kat sungai besar tu. Then baru la aku balik. Takde pergi mana pun. Hujan."

Kau tak pergi mana-mana pun? Serious?

Has it ever occurred to you before?

What is it? Come again? I can't hear you. What did I eat that made me come out with this kind of crazy example of completely useless and absolutely rubbish thoughts on nothing? Nothing. Serious!



Ah Chong and Orang Kita


"Halo, halo."

I was at home the whole weekend recently when he came to our house. When I went to the front door to answer his call, there stood Ah Chong with both his hands resting in between the metal gate grill. He was always in his usual: worn out short pants, faded blue t-shirt and that thing on his head that could either be a very old helmet, half a coconut shell of a cross of both.

"Halo, halo," he said while smiling and waving his hand at me. "Want to collect newspaper fee."

"Hello, Chong," I said while opening the gate for him and allowing him to enter the shaded part within the house perimeter. It was sunny outside, and it was very unkind to let him stand in the hot sun. Once in, he took off his half a coconut shell helmet and placed it on a chair we occasionally used in the evening to sit on and relax. His shorts was torn at some parts near his knees. He was about to sit down when I held his hand up and asked him to get inside the house instead.

"No need to go inside lah," he said. "Here also can."

"It's alright la Chong," I told him. "Come get inside, it's comfortable than here."

He constantly refused to follow me into the house for sometime until he finally gave in. My dad appeared at the main door and greeted him with a handshake. He later proceeded to invite Ah Chong to sit on the sofa, from which he constantly refused to and wanted to sit on the floor instead, only to in the end gave up and sat on the sofa after my dad told him that he won't get the newspaper money unless he sits on the sofa. 

My mom later came to the living hall with a large jug of chilled water, a large kettle of coffee, three empty glasses and a plate of various traditional Malay kuehs all carefully arranged on a tray. She later served them all on the thick glass coffee table. The standing fan was spinning moderately. 

Ah Chong was again refusing to drink and eat anything but again gave in when my dad told him he won't get his money unless he takes something up. After all it was just coffee, water and kuehs. Ah Chong drank up his coffee and later a cup of chilled water and then another after he finished eating two pieces of bingka ubi. Clearly the man was hungry and thirsty from all the traveling he did in the hot tropical weather. He then laid his back into the sofa and said thank you to my dad, who was sitting on another sofa next to him, and to me who was sitting on the floor at the time. I preferred the cold marble tiles better. 

"How's work, Chong?" My dad asked.

"Like that lah boss," Ah Chong replied. He always called everyone boss. "Morning time I sell newspapers, evening go back home and rest, tomorrow do the same thing all over again."

"You have been selling newspapers here for almost 20 years, Chong. Don't you get tired or bored?"

"No lah boss," Ah Chong replied with chuckles. "I can only sell newspapers."

"I don't believe you lah Chong," my father said while making a thinking expression on his face. "You must be doing something else too."

"No lah boss. Nothing. I only sell newspapers."

"You better tell the truth la Chong. I am your customer for 20 years what?" 

Ah Chong laughed for a while and in the same time patting his own hips slowly. He then looked at my father's face and then at mine. 

"Okay lah," he said. "But you don't tell anyone lah, hah? This I share with you only."

My father nodded to his request and waited for him to continue. 

"I have been selling newspapers for 20 years, right? In that 20 years also I met my wife, who also sold newspapers at the time in front of Giant supermarket there," Ah Chong told us as his hand went up pointing to what he thought was the direction to Giant but was completely the opposite. 

"Then we got married lah. Both of us sold newspapers then. That time I only have a motorbike. That motor outside your house lah! I still use until today!" He laughed hard as if he was amused by the motorbike capability. I started to think that his half a coconut shell helmet aged almost the same as the motorbike. 

"So using the money I collected from the newspaper selling, I bought her a van so that she can pick up a lot of newspapers and I can send them to the customers' house, your house." 

"Then after some time, I used the money I saved to buy a roof factory in Puchong. That factory makes the clay atap lah! But I don't know how to sell the roof so I asked my nephew to help. I still sold newspapers at that time."

"Then one day of my customer asked me if I wanted to buy a supermarket. He doesn't want the supermarket anymore because he needed money, so I bought the supermarket using the money I collected from newspaper selling and the roofs also. But then again I don't know how to handle supermarket business so I employed a guy lah to take care of the business. That supermarket in Kepong area there lah."

My dad was by then in total disbelief. I was already regurgitating blood from my mouth.

"Then what else?" My dad asked Ah Chong.

"That's all lah. Where got anything else? Hahaha," replied Ah Chong.

"Come on lah Chong!"

"Okay lah. I bought some land lah back in the days using some money I saved. I keep some vegetables and fruits lah in the land. And some belut lah! Send to Hong Kong there. People there like belut so much!"

"How big lah is the land?"

"I also don't know. You ask my wife lah! I never remember also. But there got around 20 kolam lah for belut. I have to buy a small lorry lah to carry the belut to ship. The 3-ton lorry."

3-ton lorry is small?

At this point my father went speechless. All he did was to look at the guy who was in his mid fifties, in torn shorts and faded t-shirt, riding in a fossilized motorbike while wearing a half coconut shell helmet collecting newspaper money from house to house in a hot midday sun every end of month and supplying newspapers to almost all houses in the neighborhood as early as 6.00am in the morning every other day. I on the other hand was given a CPR by my mother. 

"Eh okay lah! I still need to collect money from other customers. I have to move now la hah!" Ah Chong said in his loud, friendly voice. My dad handed him an RM50 note and an RM10 note without a single word, still stunned by Ah Chong's story.

"Okay ngam. Sorry ah disturb you today. Thank you for the money, tomorrow I send you newspaper again as usual. See you all ahh! Keep buying newspaper from me ah. Thank you, thank you," Ah Chong spoke to all of us while nodding and laughing, sinking his eyes all in every time he smiled. He then proceeded to the chair outside the house, wore his half a coconut shell helmet, kicked-start the motorbike and left slowly while waving his hand at us with smiles. We all stood by the gate looking at him leaving, while my mom struggling to hold me up as I was by then losing all my motor controls over the shocking experience I had with Ah Chong's tale.

Not a while after that a car passed by. We all recognized that black Mercedez Benz. It was driven by the neighborhood poser who always talked about nothing but himself. He rolled down his window and we all could see him completely in a black suit with necktie and black shades. He then greeted us, and my dad asked him what's up.

"Nothing lah uncle, quite busy lah now! Million dollar projects, too much to handle! I am now going to discuss with some Dato's over some land transactions. RM500 million, uncle! So I go first okay uncle, see you!"

He rolled up his window and left. All of us watched him left the road without a word being said. 

We all know he works as a driver for a Dato' somewhere in KL, and that the car he was driving belongs to the Dato'. Everyone knows. 



"Orang kita," my dad said.



p/s: I was driving the other day in Puchong and saw Ah Chong's van parked at a roadside in front of a supermarket. Then Ah Chong and his wife came out from the supermarket with a plastic bag full of oranges. He and his wife then gave some passing school kids who were at the time going to the nearby school on foot an orange each for free. He then gave a bunch of keys he found after digging deep in his torn shorts pocket to his wife. He patted his wife's back and laughed before getting into his van and left alone. His wife then left in a freaking red Ferrari.