Tuesday, March 29, 2011

And she comes to me without any word.

Stand before my eyes her entire body, covered with velvet cloth in grey, as I sit motionless, my eyes on her. Little do I move, or having the slightest need to, for my weatherbeaten self begins to deteriorate from punishing journey of all time. Tired and powerless, my body rests on that old patio chair; my hands lie quietly on its peeling armrests, my back lean against its hard wooden structure, my head tilts to one side. From my half-opened eyes, I could see her standing, her face darkens from shining bright light from the background. There is nothing else around but her, for everything around me is nothing but just an empty white room with white walls and white floor and ceiling and everything.

She pulls her gown upward, revealing a bit of her fair-skinned leg.

She starts walking around me, taking closer look at how exhausted I am. I feel cold inside, and when she comes closer I could feel the radiance of heat brushing against my skin from a distance, and disappears as she moves further. In my nose I smell the scents of thousand flowers, fresh morning meadows, cooling spring water. I close my eyes and inhale it deep into me, pushing my nose towards the sky, adoring the sensuality. I feel refreshed.

And then she stops behind me, placing her palms on both sides of my shoulder, rubbing out the pain gently; the radiating heat from her body slowly travels into me. She moves her fingers, I could feel her very soft skin, up to my neck and onto my cheeks and entire face. The intoxicating scent gets awfully real, awfully intimidating. She lets her palms pressed against the skin below my jaw, on my ears, caressing my head in the most lovable manner. She leans forward and her hair - her long, thick, wavy hair - falls onto my face as she pulls my face up to look at her; very little do I resist, for the smell of her hair warms me up even more pleasantly. I slowly grab the armrests with my naked hands, slowly taken aback by her sensual approach; my wondering mind slowly becomes so empty, the pain diverts away.

And her lips.

Her soft lips lands on my face, just a little away from my deafening ear. I could feel her warm breath brushing me as she moves her lips down along my neck line to my bare shoulder. Her moist lips leave a mysterious trail of love and affection. Softly she sinks her fingers into my hair, grabbing it, pulling it away from her face just so that my neck appears more approachable, for her to sink her plush cheeks and moist lips onto, while her hands still caressing my face, my shoulder, my chest. Never I open my eyes anymore, not because I am too tired, but for something tells me not to. Just sit and enjoy the show, her warm breath whispers, as she lets it travelling close to my helpless ear.

And then her arms fold around my neck pleasantly, as she presses her face against mine closely. And oh, the warmth and the joyful love I feel, nothing can really describe. The intoxicating scent of her body pushes me deeper into my own sensations, my own imaginations, my own dream. Barely I can breath from this killing scent, let alone from her tightening hug. But I feel just well damn better. Her tender motions make me slowly dying in her agonizing beauty.

And then she turns around and tenderly she sits on my lap. With her hands pushing against my chest she comes closer; the featherlight pressure from her palms grows as she does. In no time her face comes before mine, just as inch apart; my whole face warms up, so does my whole body, so does my weak heart. Her long hair, around my face creates a barrier, and from my closed eyes the white light disappears. Her hair shades everything as she lowers her face closer towards mine, I could feel her breath again wiping on my dry lips, drawing them into me makes me feel even more alive. Her sweet-smelling breath gives me power as it lightly travels into every vein in my weakened body.

I raise my arms and my hands find her by her velvet-covered waist. She is so warm, so pleasantly warm, giving a sense pleasantness, like a living fireplace during the worst of winter nights. I lay my arms across on her back, my fingers grab the velvet fabric tight, the moment gets more intense. Time seems to stop, the air no longer moves. With my eyes still closed I find her hair and caress it gently, sinking my fingers into, and brushing it as if I am brushing my fingers against priceless sheets of silk. Our beating hearts reach the same pace. I feel her silky skin on her neck, as she lets out a short sigh next to my ears.

Come on now, tell me that you love me.
Come on now, tell me that you desire me.
Come on now, tell me that you want me.

I opened my eyes to look at her beautiful eyes, and almost as instantly, she disappears into thin air. My hands hang unsupported, all the warmth dissipates away. All that is left is her intoxicating scent that is, too, slowly thinning in the ambient. Within a minute or two, she disappears completely into complete nothingness, leaving me still stranded on probably soon to be my death bed. And my body starts to rot again, as I slowly lose my breath, my whole body weakens more and more till I can no more feel any pain, even from those little peeling paints on the armrest that poke into my arms. Here comes the bright light again, and for the last time, I close my eyes. Tears come rolling down the corners of my eyes, not from the sadness nor the disappointment I am feeling, but from the unexpected visit of an angel in grey velvet, minutes before everything ends for real.

And soon, it does.

* * *

p/s: me and my sad imaginations.

[Ini entri pendek untuk orang yang panjang berfikir.]

Pandang kiri-kanan, lihat apa yang tak kena.

Mesti ada punya. Dan selalunya apabila ada benda yang tak kena di pandangan mata, mulalah mulut menggatal nak bersuara. 

"Ini siapa punya seluar dalam campak atas lantai, tak reti nak campak dalam bekas baju kotor?"
"Ini siapa punya kerja kotorkan meja, pandai kotorkan tak reti nak lap balik?"
"Ini siapa punya anak merayau tak tentu hala, dah reti buat tak reti nak jaga?"

Bila dah mula bersuara sebegitu, kadang-kadang mulut ada sedikit lagi gatal nak bersuara lebih lagi. Alang-alang kata orang. Mulalah keluar benda-benda yang tak berapa sedap didengar.

"Ini siapa punya seluar dalam campak atas lantai, tak reti nak campak dalam bekas baju kotor? Bapak tak ajar ke?"
"Ini siapa punya kerja kotorkan meja, pandai kotorkan tak reti nak lap balik? Bapak tak ajar ke?"
"Ini siapa punya anak merayau tak tentu hala, dah reti buat tak reti nak jaga? Bapak tak ajar ke?"

Selalunya bila dah sampai ke tahap yang begini, jarang sekali ada yang menyahut, termasuklah sesiapa yang bersalah itu sendiri. Maka untuk mengekalkan momentum bebelan yang sudah mencapai tahap kedua, perlulah ada sedikit lagi tambahan terhadap bebelan yang sudah sedia ada tadi. Selalunya, tahap ketiga ini melibatkan tuduhan bersasar. Melulu atau tidak itu belakang kira, yang penting ada yang kena.

"Ini siapa punya seluar dalam campak atas lantai, tak reti nak campak dalam bekas baju kotor? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti si John punya kerja."
"Ini siapa punya kerja kotorkan meja, pandai kotorkan tak reti nak lap balik? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti si John punya kerja."
"Ini siapa punya anak merayau tak tentu hala, dah reti buat tak reti nak jaga? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti si John punya kerja."

Nak sedap lagi, tambah sedikit celaan terhadap tuduhan-tuduhan tadi, agar yang tertuduh dapat berikan perhatian yang sewajarnya.

"Ini siapa punya seluar dalam campak atas lantai, tak reti nak campak dalam bekas baju kotor? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti si John anak haram tu punya kerja. Kau dengan bapak kau sama je la John."
"Ini siapa punya kerja kotorkan meja, pandai kotorkan tak reti nak lap balik? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti si John anak haram tu punya kerja. Kau dengan mak kau sama je la John."
"Ini siapa punya anak merayau tak tentu hala, dah reti buat tak reti nak jaga? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti si John anak haram tu punya kerja. Kau dengan keturunan kau sama je la John."

Kalau masih tak dapat perhatian daripada yang teetuduh, lemparkan lagi sedikit kata-kata provokasi yang mampu menaikkan darah sang tertuduh. 

"Ini siapa punya seluar dalam campak atas lantai, tak reti nak campak dalam bekas baju kotor? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti si John anak haram tu punya kerja. Kau dengan bapak kau sama je la John. Wei John pukimak, kau dengar tak ni?"
"Ini siapa punya kerja kotorkan meja, pandai kotorkan tak reti nak lap balik? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti si John anak haram tu punya kerja. Kau dengan mak kau sama je la John. Wei John lancau mak lu, kau dengar tak ni?"
"Ini siapa punya anak merayau tak tentu hala, dah reti buat tak reti nak jaga? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti si John anak haram tu punya kerja. Kau dengan keturunan kau sama je la John. Wei John takde kote, kau dengar tak ni?

Selalunya bila sudah tiba ke tahap ini, orang kena tuduh (OKT) selalunya akan memberikan reaksi. Kalau bukan penyepak John singgah ke dahi, John akan mula buat hal-hal lain untuk menunjukkan rasa tak puas hati terhadap tuduhan yang singgah di mukanya, betul atau tidak itu lain cerita, yang penting perang sudah bermula. 

Tapi sebelum itu, kita lihat pula variasi tuduhan seperti di bawah:

"Ini siapa punya seluar dalam campak atas lantai, tak reti nak campak dalam bekas baju kotor? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti anak haram tu punya kerja. Kau dengan bapak kau sama je la. Wei pukimak, kau dengar tak ni?"
"Ini siapa punya kerja kotorkan meja, pandai kotorkan tak reti nak lap balik? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti anak haram tu punya kerja. Kau dengan mak kau sama je la. Wei lancau mak lu, kau dengar tak ni?"
"Ini siapa punya anak merayau tak tentu hala, dah reti buat tak reti nak jaga? Bapak tak ajar ke? Ini mesti anak haram tu punya kerja. Kau dengan keturunan kau sama je la. Wei takde kote, kau dengar tak ni?

Agak-agak adakah John akan mengamuk tidak tentu hala dengan tuduhan-tuduhan tersebut, sedangkan tuduhan-tuduhan itu MUNGKIN disasarkan kepada dirinya, tapi tidak ada apa-apa pun tuduhan yang melibatkan namanya dibuat? Sekiranya dia melenting apabila dikatakan sebegitu rupa, itu menunjukkan yang dirinya ada rasa bersalah. Maka, apa maknanya?

* * *

Itu saja untuk hari ini. Untuk latihan adik-adik di rumah, sila kembangkan masalah di bawah:

"Ini siapa punya video seks ni?!"

"Dan ketahuilah kalian semua bahawa hamba ini baru berhadapan satu malapetaka yang amat dahsyat sekali..."

* * *

It seemed that my being missing has been heartfelt by many.

As much as I wanted to assure you all that I have been taking care of myself well since we last met, much to my conscience too to inform you that, despite I am physically alright, I am emotionally not. 

There has been something bothering my mind, and still.

In life, there are some stuffs that you may get to know and some other that you need to leave them be without knowing. Just as much as God has told us not to investigate into matters too much for the amount of unrevealed knowledge might be just too extreme for us to handle, I did break through the barrier just to know just a little bit more, only to find that in the end I am in a position where I knew too much. And The Prophet was all right about when one knows too much, one goes nuts. 

Therefore I am. 

Revealed beyond the eyes of mine who wanted to know just a little bit more beyond my ability, the hidden knowledge of the past that should have instead stayed buried deep within time. And made before my own eyes the real story; the big picture, the real chain of events that brought out my most and only fear, of knowing what I should not be. 

What I know does not matter. 

But what it does to me do. Since knowing it I have seen myself sitting at the corner of my bed in the dark since the past few days, shivering, not from the coldest of night rain outside nor the flickering street lights that shone through the wet window glasses, but from my own fear. I have seen myself placing my palms on my sweating face, cursing, damning, blaming my own curiosity, my cravings that caused me to know too much, just way too much.

If I could travel back in time, I would have stopped myself from stepping into the matter, because my life could have been better without knowing what I already knew now. But that could not be done, at least not now. And henceforth I am left with no choice but to endure the fact that I have known, and I shall forever be that way. 

What I am currently going through right now, come to think of it, could be more worst than The One-Year Depression I went through in the period between 2009 to 2010. And even more worst, there is no possible way to reverse the effect of knowing, except by either losing my memory or my head, or perhaps both. 

When I got to know about this thing that currently bothers my mind so much - the thing I should have not known at all - I felt like I was punched continuously by a jackhammer in the stomach, got hit twice by a 3-ton truck, got run over by a one-kilometer long passenger train back and forth, thrown into a pool of burning gasoline, and back to the jackhammer series of punching, and repeat. 

It's like, it's like a lightning bolt coming and hit you right at your face and blew your head up so bad even the coroner won't take a second look at you once you hit the morgue. 

At the time this entry is written, I still am struggling against my own mind; the battle I foresee might last for some couple of years or so, unless, of course, I lose my mind, or my head in that very long course of war. And by the look of it, my raging mind has most of the advantage, leading in position against my own conscience, pushing me all the way down into a clear sense of defeat.

Or probably a bullet in the head tomorrow would do.

* * *
"Dan ketahuilah kalian semua bahawa hamba ini baru berhadapan satu malapetaka yang amat dahsyat sekali, sehinggakan jantung yang berdenyut di dalam dada hamba ini seakan direntap dengan kasar sekali.
Tiadalah mampu hamba bernafas dengan sempurna, apatah lagi melangkah dengan tertib. Gelap pandangan mata hamba ini tiada berkehujungan, berbasahlah hamba dek hujan yang berpanjangan. Tiadalah berselera hamba untuk bersuap nasi, apakan lagi merasai rasa riang dan ria, dek gundah gulana yang bermaharajalela di hati.  
Namun sekiranya itulah yang tersurat buat hamba, tiadalah hamba mampu melawan lagi, tunduklah hamba kepada segala yang mendatang, demi rasa bahagia yang kekal abadi." 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Tidak lama selepas diterbitkan, entri sebelum ini mendapat kritikan hebat daripada para pengkritik bebas yang sepanjang hidupnya tiadalah benda lain yang dibuatnya melainkan mengkritik sahaja. 

Katanya, orang tak sekolah tinggi pun boleh jadi jutawan. Contohnya Syed Mokhtar Al-Bukhary yang sekolah cuma sampai tingkatan lima, tapi kini punya harta lebih RM 2 billion. Disebut pula nama Robert Kuok dan Lim Goh Tong yang masing-masing sekolah tak tinggi mana tapi kekayaannya tak habis dimakan. Itu belum kira Loh Boon Siew lagi. Ini lagilah, sekolah pun tidak, datang ke Penang naik sampan dari China, dan jadi jutawan di akhir cerita. 

Satu common trait dalam mereka: belajar tidak tinggi mana, tapi hidup kaya raya.

Dan dicananglah cerita-cerita tersebut kepada para mereka yang entah apa nasibnya tidak begitu menyerlah dan hanya mampu skor cukup-cukup makan saja di bidang akademik. Maka untuk tidak menghancurkan semangat para mereka yang kurang bernasib baik ini, diceritakanlah kisah-kisah bagaimana orang-orang yang sekolahnya tidak tinggi mana boleh mampu berjaya. Dan berbunga-bungalah hati mereka-mereka ini dengan kisah-kisah halwa telinga yang berjaya memarakkan api yang mulanya kembang kuncup di hati. 

Masalahnya, mampukah mereka ini berjaya seperti Syed Mokhtar, Boon Siew dan Robert Kuok?

Syed Mokhtar pada awalnya membantu bapak beliau mengerjakan lembu belaan. Dan berpatah riuk lah beliau mengerjakan lembu-lembu belaan tersebut; mana yang nak diberi makan, mana yang nak dimandikan, mana yang nak dibawa jalan-jalan, mana yang nak dilayan dek merajuk mahukan perhatian, mana yang nak disepak-terajang akibat berkurang-ajar dalam kelakuan, semua ini perlu dibuat dalam masa beberapa jam saja. Bayangkanlah betapa gilanya work schedule Syed Mokhtar pada ketika itu.

Boon Siew adalah individu yang bertanggungjawab membawa masuk motosikal Honda Cub ke Tanah Melayu. Beliau masuk ke Pulau Pinang dan bekerja sebagai mekanik di bengkel sejak dirinya masih baru nak hidup kata orang. Dan bergelumanglah Boon Siew dengan minyak hitam, kuning, merah dan entah apa warna lagi di sekitar masanya di bengkel. Berkawan dengan alat-alat ganti yang diperbuat daripada besi padu waktu itu, tidak mungkin Boon Siew boleh balik tanpa sedikit pun kesan calar di mana-mana bahagian badan. Itu belum kira tokay bengkel yang kalau Boon Siew buat salah sedikit, mesti kena hempuk di kepala. 

Robert Kuok pula, katanya orang, menulis pun tidak tau. Lim Goh Tong pula belajar setakat sampai darjah enam. Tapi mereka kerja kuat untuk menggapai apa yang mereka idamkan, sebijik dengan apa yang kau orang semua idamkan - mau hidup senang, mau hidup kaya raya.

Kita tengok pula budak kita hari ini. 

Nak disuruh kerjakan ladang lembu? Lembu sekor pun belum tentu boleh hidup dibela. Tahi cicak sebesar sebutir beras jatuh atas meja pun nak harapkan pembantu rumah sapukan (jijik kononnya), inikan pulak nak bersihkan kandang lembu? Tahi lembu besar mana, tahu? Nak menebas rumput pagi-pagi buta, nak diusungkan pulak sampai ke mulut lembu tu, sanggup? Nak berkasih-sayang dengan lembu yang baunya Ya Rabbi tuhan saja tau, mampu? 

Tak mau. Malu

Nak disuruh kerja di bengkel? Nak pasang almari pasang siap beli di Tesco pun terkial-kial, ini nak baiki motor, kereta? Enjin kereta mati sendiri, macam mana nak hidupkan semula pun kau dah garu kepala. Silap-silap nanti kerja kau dekat bengkel tu dah jadi benda lain. Korek blok, potong piston, modify ekzos kasi bunyi gegar dunia; motor elok-elok kilang keluarkan, kau nak ringankan, nak lajukan lagi. Bila dah laju, kau nak lajukan lagi. Dan lagi. Dan lagi. Sudahnya orang kampung jumpa kau tersangkut atas pokok mangga hujung simpang; badan kau atas pokok, tapi perut dengan kaki kau melekat lagi dekat motor. 

Sanggupkah berguru dengan tokei bengkel, kena ketuk kepala setiap kali buat salah? Cih. Cikgu dekat sekolah naikkan suara sedikit pun kau sampai panggil mak bapak dengan orang suratkhabar ke sekolah, inikan pulak kena ketuk dengan spanar dekat kepala. 

Hidup mana boleh cepat kaya, kawan. Mana ada orang boleh kaya dengan duduk goyang kaki. 

"Alah apa susah, main MLM la."

Ini lagi satu hal. Eh, apahal login Facebook dapat RM100? Siapa nak kasi? Siapa dah kaya buat benda ni, cuba tunjuk sini. Siapa berani kasi RM100 kat kau semata dengan main Facebook? Cuba fikir betul-betul. Ini tidak, ada orang ambil gambar atas kereta mewah sikit, kau dah buta mata. 

Perasan tak, yang selalunya orang MLM ni kalau nak iklankan perniagaan, kalau yang laki-laki mesti pakai tali leher, kot segala, dan kalau yang perempuan mesti nak pakai gelang emas sampai ke ketiak dengan rantai leher emas yang tebalnya macam tali lembu. Di belakang mesti ada banglo besar, tak pun kereta Merc dua tiga biji. Paling koman pun, duduk di meja bersilang tangan dengan duit RM 4 juta cash bersusun cantik di depan mata. Yang duduk tu senyumnya pun lain macam saja. 

HOI! Kau tak takut pencurik ka? 

Maka bila orang ceritakan kisah Syed Mokhtar, Boon Siew dan semuanya tu pada kau, hendaklah kau tanyakan pada diri kau sendiri, adakah kau sanggup lalui apa yang mereka lalui demi untuk mengubah masa depan sendiri? Atau kau lebih senang menyalahkan kerajaan sebab hidup kau miskin papa, sedangkan disuruh kerja malas, disuruh belajar kau tak mau. Bangun pagi pun susah, bila malam tak pula reti nak tidur. Lepas tu kerja kau komplen sajalah. Itu salah ini salah. Bila disuruh betulkan, kau menyorok belakang pintu. Bila orang tegur, kau melenting, baling-baling penyapu. Makan tak reti nak berhenti, tapi bila disuruh cari makan kau buat tak reti. 

Macam ni nak jadi Syed Mokhtar Al Bukhary?

Lepas tu kalau ada orang lain yang hidupnya senang sikit daripada hidup kau, kau mulalah nak dengki khianat segala. Haha, tak ada benda lainlah tu, cuma satu cara saja nak explain kejadian sebegitu rupa:

Biasalah, orang kita.

Keputusan SPM sudah diumumkan.

Maka berduyun-duyunlah para mereka yang telah menduduki peperiksaan ini berhijrah ke sekolah untuk melihat keputusan masing-masing. Dan seperti biasa akan ada yang melompat kegembiraan, dan ada pula yang berguling di lantai dikerumuni rasa kecewa. Ada yang tak sempat menyempat nak balik rumah tunjuk sijil pada mak bapak, dan ada yang sampai ke malam tak balik-balik akibat rasa takut nak tunjuk sijil pada mak bapak. Ada yang saja lepak lama-lama di sekolah untuk berlagak dengan keputusan yang diperoleh, dan ada yang lepas dapat keputusan terus cabut tak nampak muka lagi. Ada yang menangis mendayu-dayu, tapi sebab disebalik tangisan itu tidaklah pula diketahui. 

Dan pagi ini ada yang bangun tidur dengan muka puas, dan ada pula yang bangun tidur dengan mata bengkak, sama ada kerana menangis sepanjang malam, atau akibat menerima penumbuk bapak. 

Apa pun SPM sudah berlalu. Kini sudah masa untuk maju ke hadapan. Masa untuk masuk ke alam universiti. Dan kalau keputusan kau bagus, kampus-kampus pengajian tinggi semuanya merayu-rayu untuk kau mendaftar di sana. Kalau keputusan kau lingkup, kau pulalah yang merayu-rayu nak masuk ke sana.

Martabat dan harga diri kau pun tinggi melangit. Ramailah yang nanti mengaku keluarga, mengaku kawan-kawan, mengaku yang tercinta. Banyaklah nanti makcik-makcik yang datang menyapa:

"Pandainya dapat 9A. Nak kahwin dengan anak makcik?" 

"Pandainya dapat 9A. Nak kahwin dengan makcik?"

Offer yang pertama tu sedap juga bunyinya. Offer yang kedua pula buat kau berfalsafah, yang kononnya perjalanan kau jauh lagi. Dan kau pun mulalah tak sedar diri. Sekarang kau sudah jadi hero bukan satu-dua hari. Tawaran pusat pengajian tinggi datang tak henti-henti. Yang mana tawarannya elok kau simpan bawah bantal, yang mana tawarannya kurang bagus di pandangan mata kau, kau campak di luar pagar agar orang lalu-lalang boleh tengok. Itu belum tawaran biasiswa lagi tu. 

Budak-budak berbulu saja dengan kau.

Sampai masa masuk ke universiti, kau bawak lagi rasa megah kau ke sana. Apa salahnya ponteng kelas sekali dua, kau kan 9A SPM. Apa salahnya tak hantar assignment sekali dua, kau kan 9A SPM. Apa salahnya tak buat kuiz sekali dua, kau kan 9A SPM. Apa salahnya sampahkan lecturer dengan tutor sekali dua, kau kan 9A SPM. Apa salahnya tak study sekali dua, kau kan 9A SPM. Fikir logik, kalau 9 subjek kau boleh dapat A, takkan 5, 6 subjek satu semester kau tak boleh dapat A? 

Kacang sajalah kata kau. Kau kan 9A SPM.

Sampai masa nak final exam, kau pun siap-siap nak belajar. Lepas tu kau menggelabah. Buat past year paper semua tak faham. Kau pergi kedai buku cari 'Soalan Ramalan Calculus' dan 'Skor A Fluid Mechanics' tak ada dan tak pernah ada dijual. Nak harapkan tips daripada lecturer pun bunyinya macam sangat asing di dalam telinga kau. Nak mintak tolong tutor pun kau rasa malu, sebab kau pernah panggil dia sayur satu masa dulu, tambahan pula kau selalu tak pergi kelas dia. Lagipun kau kan 9A SPM, apa class tanya orang lain. Malulah kau nanti. 

Dalam dewan peperiksaan kau termenung mengenang nasib. 3 jam kau termenung.

Nanti bila peperiksaan habis, cuti pun bermula. Kau pun mulalah bersuka ria. Tak ingat hujung pangkal tak ingat dunia. Iyalah, budak 9A SPM balik kampung halaman. Budak-budak lain berbulu tengok kau, awek-awek pula kepit peha tengok kau. Mak bapak tanya exam macam mana, kau kata, "alah tak ada hal lah, saya kan 9A SPM." Masa berlalu tak kenal berhenti, pejam celik pejam celik dah tiba masa keputusan keluar. Kau pun dengan muka bangga kau buka komputer. Klik klik klik, result terpampang di depan mata. 

Bila kau baca, rahang kau jatuh ke meja. 

Eh, apa sudah jadi? 2 subjek gagal, 1 lagi C, 2 D? CGPA kau pula sama berat dengan 1 kilo gula. Celaka! kata kau. Ini mesti tutor sayur tu punya kerja. Ini mesti lecturer tak guna tu punya idea. Aku kan SPM 9A, mana boleh dapat keputusan macam ni! SMS mula menghimpun masuk ke telefon bimbit, kawan-kawan tanya result dapat berapa. Kau mula menggelabah kali kedua. Mak bapak tanya result macam mana, kau kata server kampus meletup, result tak boleh baca. 

Seminggu lepas tu kau balik ke kampus. Kawan-kawan sudah ke depan, kau repeat dua paper. Tutor yang kau kata sayur tu sengih sampai ke telinga. Apa tidaknya, kau masuk lagi kelas dia. Tak lama lepas tu kampus hantar result ke rumah. Bapak kau telefon kau menggeletar nak angkat. Pihak penaja pengajian pun mulalah hantar surat cinta, kata kalau kau tak berubah lagi baik putus saja. Dengan azam baru kau mula bersemangat semula. Tapi tak sampai separuh semester kau balik ke perangai lama. Kau mula buat tak kisah, nak study esok-esok pun boleh, setakat 4, 5 subjek takkanlah kau tak boleh nak skor, senang cerita assignment, kuiz semua itu belakang cerita. 

Apa nak risau, SPM dulu kau dapat 9A apa.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Ever wonder how the hell that picture of yourself you took right after shower ended up in the world wide web?

Well a few ways actually.

However, today this educational series will discuss only the most common doings that lead to such occurrences. Today we will talk about how those pictures you took discreetly can travel all the way to the knowledge of everyone; how your pictures got leaked into the internet, and how to prevent that from happening. This information is crucial since there have been too many unsuspecting victims of this kind of information breaches and manipulations recently.

Before that, this entry is meant to give you only the very, very brief information on the matter. So don't expect any tutorial whatsoever.

Let's take a look at how your pictures and sometimes videos went to the wrong hands in the first place:


When you take pictures of yourself spreading your legs for no particular reasons using a camera, these images (or videos, if you'd prefer) will be stored in the unit's memory. Just like you take a look at people and store the images in your head, this memory works just similarly, only that it can be erased willingly and otherwise stores the images in them for an awful long time unless jeopardized or damaged.

This physical memory device most commonly comes in terms of memory cards, flash cards and whatever you call them, if not as standalone memory cards in your camera/phone. What differs these two is that, you cannot remove a standalone card (or built-in card) the way you can remove the removable memory cards.

You can store those kinky images of yourselves in either or both types of memory cards, and when they are full, you can always transfer them images to your hard drives in your computers or laptops, and empty the cards for another session of kinky photo shoot.

Suppose that one day, your mobile phone, camera or your computer/laptop went crack and decided to shut down for slight bits of your attentions. And when this occurred, most often you will send them for repair. You think that it will be safe by just removing the removable memory cards, which really is, unless you store your kinky images in your built-in memory cards in your devices.

And this is where the fun begins.

Usually, the camera devices are commonly sent to repairmen without their internal memories wiped out, and even if they were, not sufficiently. Even when you execute the 'DELETE' and 'FORMAT' commands on your device's internal memory, the data is still recoverable. This can be done using just some data recovery softwares widely available in the internet. By using these softwares, improperly-deleted data can still be recovered.

Same goes with your laptops and computers. The deleted data can still be recovered, provided that the data was recently deleted. Even worse, some of the customers will send their computers and laptops for repair without even deleting their personal files. This provides the way to the repairmen to not only access them but to copy, to store and in very unfortunate cases, to share.


Simple. Follow this guideline:

1. Store images only in removable memory cards.
2. Make sure to have at least 2 memory cards - 1 for daily use, and 1 for kinky and unconventional use.
3. Do not store your 'memory card for kinky purposes' anywhere near public access nor in places where it could certainly be lost - in your bag, wallet etc. Hide it carefully. One of the best hiding place will be in your ass cavity, as long as you don't forget about it the next time you take a dump. No, seriously.
4. Before sending your phone/camera for repair, remove all removable memory cards and wipe your built-in memories with special formatting software (CCleaner etc).
5. Don't lend your phone/camera along with the removable memory cards attached. (Note: this method could backfire, especially when the borrower uses your devices to take kinky pictures of themselves, leading you to be able to recover their data even though deleted upon return)
6. If it is permitted, stay around at the repair center to make sure the repairmen do not access your data.
7. Treat your phone like your own dick. Or boobs, whichever applies. Bring them everywhere. Don't leave your phone around. I can take your phone and copy all data in just a matter of less than 3 minutes, maybe lesser.
8. Get a removable hard drive (or DVDs). All the daily stuffs can stay in the primary hard drive for your computer/laptop, while the rest can stay in the removable hard drive. And treat your removable hard drives like your dick and boobs. Hide them properly, and protect them like you're protecting your own dick. Or boobs, for that matter, whichever applies.
9. If you cannot follow all these stated above: don't take any picture with your face visible. This include jewelries, clothes or other personal items that can distinguish you from others out there. That way, you'd stay anonymous.

Follow this guideline and hopefully you'll be safe from information thievery. Otherwise, please prepare to appear in ways you don't always want to appear in the internet :D

"What are you, a girl?"

He looked straight at her face as she uttered those unexpected words out from between her cherry lips. His face turned slightly red. 

"Well I am quite sure you know that I am definitely not one," he replied while tapping the ash off his cigarette into the ashtray. He felt rather disturbed inside his chest from those words he just heard, and in the attempt to cover up his changing color, he threw his eyes to the large army of thick clouds that were coming their way, bringing with them thunder and lightning, and plentiful of rain. Realizing his changing bits, she cleared her throat and carefully arranged her words in order not to cause anymore disturbance to the man she had known for almost three years. 

"Listen, awak," she spoke to him as her eyes toned down greatly as she leaned a little bit forward and closer to him, showing her helpless concerns for him. "I have had enough of looking at you this way. It hurts me damn well the way it hurts you."

"And I am sorry for that," he replied. 

"For what?"

"For my unhappiness had affected you greatly over all these years."

"No, you, my God." She buried her face into her palm and paused there for a while. "Damn it you're missing the point."

She threw herself back to the chair and crossed her arms. Her eyes flamed in her anger. He looked at her quietly, waiting for more to come. But she just couldn't say not even a single word in her fury. This was not the first time he did this. This definitely was not the first time.

Not the first time at all.

* * *

As she could barely recall, they both met some three years back at a wedding of a friend where she was serving as a bridesmaid, and coincidentally, he was the best man of the groom. After spending a few long minutes alongside the newly-wed, they exchanged glances and then words and then phone numbers. And from there they went on.

But the thing was that, he was a shy man. He didn't talk much, nor he did ever made the first move. It always embarrassed her to think that she was the person who asked for his phone number and later called him for the first time. At first she thought he was being an absolute arse for not showing even the slightest sign of affection for her, for she was, in other men's perspectives, a hell of a catch. 

Maybe probably he himself was quite a winning trophy. Almost hitting 180cm tall, he has a wide chest and quite an athlete body. His arms were muscular, and so were his legs. His skin was dark, showing that he had been spending time under the sun, and this brought her attention to the most for she never liked fair-skinned me, for she thought that these kind of men spend their times only at home like girls do, becoming as pale as a Cullen. His hair was thick and nicely put to appearance. And this made her heart beat like a crazy, ramming engine. 

Every time her eyes laid on him, she felt a little bit, no, a lot, hot in her. 

She had tried much for his attention but failed miserably. There was one time that she was so pissed, she stopped calling him for about a month before he, miraculously, called her and asked her out for coffee. Unfortunately, even though she did go out with him (note that this too was also the first time they went out together), she realized that he never really had herself in him. To him she was invincible. And this caused her to undergo some long months of depressions, unknown to him due to her great theatrical play whenever the went out again after that, as friends. 

As friends.

Despite her state of devastation, she decided to let him go and stopped hoping for the best, for the best did not always happen. In the time frame of three years since she first knew him, she ended up with three men she thought he would be happy to spend her life with, only in the end that they all turned out to be a bunch of absolute arse, only at a higher degree than the man she was currently looking at - the man she had always wanted, but lost in the most painful way. In the end, she resorted back to seeing this man here she always adored, but still as a friend. It broke her heart quite badly.

On the other hand, he, in the course of the same three damn years, stayed as single as a daffodil.

However he did tell her about two girls he liked the most, one at a time, but he didn't have quite the guts to approach, let alone do anything further than just observing them from far away. And this surely pissed the hell out of her. He just didn't know how to approach a woman properly, even though he had what it takes to bring down a lion in a single blow. How lucky those girls were to have his attentions, and how unlucky they were for he was much of a chicken. But in a way or another, she was glad too. 

Because he was still single.

But today he asked her out, again, to discuss on the third girl he had his eyes on for a while now.

* * *

"Alright," she said. "Tell me about this third girl."

He coughed a little. "What third girl?"

The girl you are currently wanting, you dumb ass. She wanted to say that but she held herself back. Instead, she replied, "the lady you like."

"Oh," he said. "There is no third girl, nor there was a second. She's still the same first girl."

Oh, great. He was always in love with this one girl. She felt a little bit shaken from these two events: to know that all these while there was only one girl, and to know that he was in love with that lucky one. She felt like punching him in the stomach.

"You have to tell her that you like her and stuffs, you know" she said in a controlled voice. "Or you'll lose her for the third time."

"And how do I say that?"

"Just say it to her. Call her up or something. Ask her out. Tell her your feelings."

"My feelings?"

"Yes." Yes you piece of sorry sweet pie. "Tell her how you feel for her."

A silent pause. He looked confused. She started to boil.

"Okay, okay," she said. "Let's do it like this as a practice. Pretend that I am the girl, and that we both are now on a date. What would you say to me?"

"Err," he replied monotonically. "It's going to rain?"

She looked at him with her eyes enlarged while slowly clenching both her fists in frustrations.

"Alright, alright," he said. "Let's try again, okay? Let's try again." 

"Okay." She said. "Hold my hands," she instructed him, and awkwardly he did. She felt warm as his skin touched hers. Rain started to pour and the wind blew gently. 

"Okay." He cleared his throat and looked at her in the eyes. She felt slightly embarrassed. 

"Awak," he said. "If there are only words that could describe my feelings for you. A little too long of a time has gone through since I laid my eyes on you; on your beautiful smiles, your long hair, your charming eyes and your heartwarming laughter. It has been too long of a time too since I first felt this urges in me, trapped and struggling to escape, but failed I have all along these devastating days, to tell you exactly how I feel for you, how I craved to see you smile and how badly I wanted to hear your laughter. I have hurt myself in loving you from far away, and I can barely take this pain anymore, for it is unbearably difficult for me to live each day so far away from having you by my side. And I ought you to know that my love for you is real; unchallenged, strong, warm and big, all for you and only you. It took me long enough to be here in front of you as a man I am, as long as it took me to arrange these humble words of mine, for your kindness to consider, beyond all you can, to take me as your man."

Her jaw dropped. She looked as if she was just being electrocuted. She froze in moments. That has got to be the most beautiful thing she ever heard since the day she was born.

"You?" he asked her. "You alright?" He shook her hands a little. 

"Ah," she pulled her hands fast. "Yes. Yes I believe I am."

"So how was it?"

How was it? Was that even a question? You almost caused me a damn heart attack! 

"Well," she replied. "It was great. I think you should tell that to her."

"I'm not sure what her reactions would be like."

"Well you have to try at least, don't you? At least she knows. Whatever happens after that, don't bother yet."

"I'm a little bit afraid, honestly."

"I doubt it that she will reject your proposition."

"What if?"

"Then it will be her loss. Why are you so much of a chicken? Go and tell her that."

"Look, it's not that I am a chicken whatsoever. It's just that I'm a bit cautious."

"Look," she raised her voice as she was losing her mind. "You've got to TRY. Go out and try! You'll never win anything by sitting and wishing for better things!" 

"I know. But..."

"But what?!" She stood up. By now it was only a matter of time before she would slap him. "There are no promises in these things! There are no promises in love! Look at me! Look at how I lost my loved ones! All the men I loved!"

Including you. And this caused her tears to start to form in her anger and frustration.

"Don't be like me. Don't believe that love will end in fairy tale. I have loved. I have let love go. All I did was to try. I lost them all, yes, but at least I tried!"

He sat in silence. The rain started to pour heavily, just like her tears to flow down increasingly more, endlessly.

"Now," she pressed on her tone to give him some sort of a warning. "Will you go and tell her that? Tell me now!"

Will you go and tell her that girl how precious she was to you all these years, and put an end to my sufferings from seeing you not seeing me, from hating the way you did not love me? Please, I beg you, end all these. End my sleepless nights. End my flowing tears. End my everything, end my me. Will you, will you now, end me, and tell her that girl that you love her?

He looked at her in silence, his mellow eyes made her tears flowed more as she helplessly trying to hold them back. Time seemed to freeze around that table under that large cafe umbrella, surrounded with pouring rain. He admired her for a little while in utter surprise, before he carved a smile along his masculine lips.

"Well I just did."

Friday, March 18, 2011

[This entry is scheduled to automatically publish on 18th of March 2011 at 1.45pm so that Rahman Rosli will not notice the appearance of this entry for certain undisclosed reasons.]

To some people, Rahman Rosli is just another guy.

But to some other people, he could be everything else.

Slightly younger than me by 2 years, Rahman Rosli was born on the 17th day of the third month of the 87th year of the first millennium, or simply March the 17th 1987. Having the opportunity to celebrate his 24th birthday yesterday, Rahman Rosli foresaw to have a single slot for himself in this particular blog, from which the writer is very particular in choosing only particular people to appear in this particular blog, particularly.

The Man, the Bass, the Legend

With a possessed Bachelor Degree of Engineering in Mechanical with Honors, Rahman Rosli is now working in Chartis/AIG, an insurance company presumed to be within the vicinity of the capital of Malaysia. As a certified mechanical engineer as I am, he is assumed to be carrying with him all the necessary fundamentals of engineering everywhere he goes. With this ability, he is henceforth assumed to be able to make up to quite a desirable amount of wage per month - one of the main criteria why this person has to appear in most female's little black book.


Despite his heavy involvement in the engineering academics, and for certain reasons he is now working at an unknown position in his current insurance office, Rahman Rosli has quite an entertaining side in the love for art. He plays the bass guitar and has been performing for quite a few times in the campus music arena, and has since developed a cult for his music band lovers. As he is not just another guy, he is also not just a bass guitar player. His showmanship is pretty powerful and his notes are impressively accurate as his fingers dance on the wooden fret of bold metal strings, sending mellow tunes to the unsuspecting crowd. People cried when hearing him played. It was rumored that one time some females in the audience did not only throw their panties on the stage to keep him moving but as well as everything else they wore within seconds of listening to his tunes. And he just never stopped. With this very powerful ability, he made John Paul Jones of Led Zeppelin looks like a goddamn amateur trying to make tunes out from a string of rubber attached to a fishing rod. 

As to comply with the strict orders from the Ministry of Homeland Security to avoid mass hysteria and spread of cult movements, Rahman Rosli is barred from performing at any music performance at national and international levels.

While every other males who resort to playing guitar to enhance their positions in the Scale of Coolness, Rahman Rosli took another leap to godlikeness by getting involved in flying. Real flying. Not the sort of those makeup stories about you being able to fly a jumbo jet through a series of very turbulent storm that you told to every chick you met, when the truth is that you chickened out from very tiny turbulence each time you took a plane. This is SO not Rahman Rosli. As the image below suggests, Rahman Rosli is currently an able pilot and is registered under the wings of the Royal Selangor Flying Club. This fact makes every other guy on the planet 5,000 feet - the usual altitude which Rahman Rosli usually cruises at - lower than Rahman Rosli in the Scale of Coolness, and at each time Rahman Rosli flies. The way he speeds on the plane makes all Mat Rempits worldwide seem to move at a velocity almost equal to being stationary. This caused a large portion of total Mat Rempits to degrade into lifelong depression. Many died while trying to match the speed of Rahman Rosli, and so far his speed record remains unchallenged, despite the fact that he only flies a propeller-driven plane.

A pose before taking the plane for dinner at the usual mamak

As to add more insult to the injuries of all other males who do not have even the slightest idea in handling a baby, Rahman Rosli proves to be highly adequate in taking care of children from age 0 to 5 years old all by himself. He is also rumored to have the secret technology to produce highly-nutritious human milk from a strike of his bass guitar at a correct series of note, where milk starts filling the bottle at each strike, making Rahman Rosli the largest threat ever to not only baby milk formula producers all over the world but also breastfeeding moms. The picture below dictates this fact strongly, justifying on the fully-satisfied facial expression shown by the toddler in his arms - the phenomena which naturally occurs only to 1 in 50,000 babies.

Rahman Rosli makes Walt Disney a sore pain in the ass for kids

This legacy of Rahman Rosli is told from one generation to another in traditional Malay families as to boost the morale of the springs, despite the known fact that to be another Rahman Rosli is strongly impossible. There is only one Rahman Rosli and there could never be another. There could only be one 'The Chosen One' in every generation, and there could never be two at a time since this will bring chaos into the force. Should that very unlikely event occurs, one of them must die in order to bring balance and order back to the force, and that could never be Rahman Rosli.

Despite all these very exaggerated facts about Rahman Rosli, there is one more fact that can further throw this guy flying in the air: dearest females, Rahman Rosli is at the current time when this entry is written, is single. Therefore, do not hesitate more to flash your boobs say hi to Rahman Rosli to attract his attention. This will make him very happy. This sort of chances do not come everyday, so grab it fast and grab it now. 

I end this entry with this very special wish to my very special blog follower Rahman Rosli:

"Happy birthday darling bro! All the best and good luck to come! Prosperity and happiness all year long! And thanks for following my blog so far!"

And sorry for this entry. I just got a little too carried away, and I don't want to throw this out either. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The answer is yes.

But not from the Fukushima Daiichi power plant. 

There has been a circulating SMS recently about the acid (and later radioactive) rain to occur in Malaysia today, slightly more than 2 days following the second explosion at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. This SMS of course led to a mass-messaging activity by mobile phone owners to warn each other about the unfortunate incident at the Fukushima Daiichi power plant, and the side effect that soon will hit Malaysia following the misfortune. 

The question is, will the released radiation from the nuclear power plant be carried by wind all the way to Malaysia and form acid rains? Tough question. Before we try to look into the matter, we might look into the fundamentals first. 

So here goes.


Acid rain is essentially the normal rain - falling water droplets from the sky due to water condensation in the clouds - combined with certain concentration of acids. The concentration of acid within rainwater molecules is so significant that low pH can easily be traced in collected rainwater samples when tested. The formation of acid rain typically involves the release of acidic compound in the air, most commonly sulfur dioxide and oxides of nitrogen which can be produced in heavy industries that include open and untreated combustion processes in their systems. These released compounds will remain suspended in the air until formation of rain occurs in clouds, causing them to fall back to earth with rainwater.

Although normal rainwater is slightly acidic - pH 5 to 6 - due to the formation of organic carbon compounds in rainwater due to interactions of carbon dioxide and water in the air, acidic compounds may lower the pH up to pH 3 and lower. 

Acid rain may also be associated with other types of wet atmosphere release - snow, dew, fog et cetera. 


Of course it is. It's acid, man. Well not really, just pulling your legs around. 

However, the diluted acidic compounds in rainwater causes no direct effect on human health. Despite the common beliefs that people can get acid burn from being exposed to acid rain, it does never occur. The worst that might happen is that, people might find difficulties in breathing due to the presence of particulates - small, suspended particles in air, similar to fine dusts. Other than that, acid rain does nothing of such direct impact to human lives, despite its capability to destroy hectares of crop due to rapid pH change in groundwater reservoirs where the plants get their water supply from.

However, prolonged exposure to acid rain is not recommended. 


People are just becoming way too hyped. 

There could not be any direct relation between the acid formation in Malaysia and the explosion of the nuclear power plant in Japan. One thing is that the explosion releases radiation and not acidic compounds the air, and another the distance is just way too huge. If we are to expect anything, radiation rain might accurately fits the expectation. But will it ever occur in less than a day from the explosion? In Malaysia?


Consider this: the distance between Kuala Lumpur and Tokyo is over 5100 km. According to the SMS, acid rain (acid rain?!) will form in Malaysia airspace the next day, which we can safely assume a 24-hour period following the incident. This means, whatever compounds that were released in the airspace of Tokyo has 24 hours to get here in Malaysia.

Now we do the math: 

KL - Tokyo distance: 5100km
Time to Acid Rain Formation: 24 hours
Speed of Wind Required to Carry the Compounds from Tokyo to Malaysia:
 5100km/24h = 212.5km/h

The calculation above shows that the wind has to be constantly blowing from Japan to Malaysia at an air velocity of 212.5km/h. This means that the wind has to match the speed of that of a major hurricane and a super cyclonic storm that commonly strike at 220km/h. If that is to occur, then we better be more worried about the hurricane than the acid or radiation rain. 

But then again let's look at the global wind current pattern below. Click for a larger resolution image.

There is no major breakaway wind that flows from Japan to Malaysia. And if it does, the people in Taiwan, the Philippine, and China will be sweating much by now, because before the radiation ever to come by to Malaysia, it has to pass these countries first. 

It has to pass at least a quarter part of Japan first before it leaves the contaminated area. 

So before you worry about the acid rain to form above your head, you'd better be worried about those industries at your backyard that releases flue gases nonstop, and the recent volcanic eruptions in Indonesia that released huge amounts of sulfur in the air - major component and cause of the formation of acid rain.


1. No acid rain.
2. No radiation rain either.
3. Can stop SMS people now.

That's all for today, folks! Any question? No, of course not.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Hello and welcome to Jacksparrow's educational 101 series program - a series dedicated to educate the non-technical people on some very technical things expressed in a very non-technical manner. This course is essential to those who want to know about technical aspects of things but do not have sufficient knowledge about them in a very short period of time. This course is elaborated in such an approach that it introduces fun and exciting way to learn things, my way.

Today we will be learning about a nuclear power plant. 

In conjunction with the issues currently going on up in the far East where the Land of the Rising Sun is located regarding a failing nuclear power plant following a tsunami attack some days back, this course is very informative to those who want to know just what the hell is going on right now. 

This course will introduce you all you need to know about a nuclear power plant, how does it commonly fail and the relation with the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant that recently suffered the second explosion on its main structure.

So here goes.

* * *


Contrary to certain beliefs, a nuclear power plant is a not a powerful, mutant radioactive vegetable nor any type of mighty green plants. This statement will crush many kid's imaginative thoughts and cause them to be very angry.

A nuclear power plant is a facility where the energy from radioactive materials is harvested to produce electricity just so that the customer can enjoy electricity to light their houses, watch the TV or surfing the internet just like you are currently doing now. Before we go further, let's take a look at the image below:

Now as you can see, there are a few key components of a nuclear power plant. There are the reactor core, the steam generator, the steam turbine and the electric motor generator. We now split these four components into subchapters for better learning, to avoid confusion and to avoid sparks of rebellious movement against the academic society just because some people cannot understand certain things in life and in the same time are clouded in the fog of confusion:

1. The Reactor Core
The reactor core is where the fuel rods are housed. These fuel rods contain radioactive fuel, such as Uranium-235 and Plutonium-239 that undergoes nuclear fission when reacted. Nuclear fission produces heat. That is why a place where thermal generation takes place from chemical reactions (fission, gasification, combustion etc) is called a reactor. The key information here is: nuclear core reactor produces heat. This heat is used to heat up circulating water that goes into the reactor up to its boiling point and above, in the state of steam. If this is hard to perceive, try picture the core reactor as your common electric kettle heating coil. Both of them does the same thing - heating water up. 

2. The Steam Generator
The steam generator is essentially a tank of water with a separate pipe in its gut. This separate pipe channels the steam from the reactor core to heat up the water in the steam generator into steam, hence its name steam generator. So the point is, the steam from the reactor core is used to produce steam in the steam generator. This concept can also be seen in daily life of a university student, where sometimes one will boil water in the kettle and pour the boiling water over a can of sardine or baked beans or 'Instant Curry' wrapper in a desperate measure to have a warm dinner. Don't anyone tell me they never did this, nor ever had the idea in mind to do this.

3. The Turbine and Electric Generator
The steam from the core reactor helps produces another steam in the steam generator. Now where the hell does this steam go? In your neighbor's toilet every time he (or she, gosh I'm tired of this) flushes the toilet? Well of course not. The steam will follow a series of pipeline into a steam turbine, where the steam will move the turbine well enough to move the electric generator connected to it to produce electricity. The closes example of this electric generator motor is the dynamo set people during the old days usually attach to their bicycle wheels to generate electricity when they cycle at night, just so that they won't bump into some wild boars that are having some very hot and sexy party in the middle of the road, for unknown reasons. From hereon, the electricity is wired out to the user.

So, pretty straightforward and simple, eh? Good. As a bonus, let's take a look at the structure of a common reactor core in the image below. 

This reactor is 4-story tall and is equivalent to any building that is 4-story tall - a perfect choice for someone with suicide intention in mind. Click on the picture for larger resolution.  


Simple. Throw a curious 5-year old kid in the control room of a nuclear power plant and the reactor will melt before you are able to yell at him (or her, goddamn it this is ridiculous). 


Anyway, since most nuclear power plant operators do not let any children (and some adult too for some certain reasons) into the control system, it is safe to say that the failure of a nuclear power plant could come in two types: internal problem and external problem. 

Internal problem consists of problems created within the plant that can put the blame on the plant when it occurs. The variety includes: operators mess things up by not doing their job right, structure failure, someone forgot to close a valve while leaving another one completely open, that kind of thing. External problem includes all the external factor that can affect a nuclear power plant, most commonly in terms of a sabotage. For instance, someone, for some reason, detonates a nuclear warhead next to the power plant. But the biggest culprit of sabotage works on a nuclear power plant is also the biggest bitch that has caused many people since the dawn of men many sorts of trouble - Mother Nature. 

You don't believe me? Well who recently attacked the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant? Exactly.


Everyone will experience certain uneasiness at the lower, rear part of their body.

Lets look at the reactor again as a large kettle. Suppose that the reactor core is the heating element of your average electric kettle, you have to ensure that when you boil water in it the level of water has to be above the heating element, just so that the heating element remains submerged during operation. if you keep the heating element exposed during boiling, you will cause the kettle to fail due to overheating, unless your kettle has a prevention measure that cuts out electricity should an overheating occurs. Otherwise, when you come back to the kettle after leaving it to boil water with its heating element exposed, you might find your kettle already melted. 

Melted. That's the word. 

The same goes with out large water kettle. The nuclear reactor core has within it so much energy that if not cooled will cause overheating. That is why fuel rods are supposed to be kept submerged below water level at all time during operation. This rods will continuously undergo fission that steams keep on being generated. And to shut down fuel rods operation is not as easy as turning off the power button on your small kettle. Prolonged overheating will dry out the liquid water and slowly expose the rods to air. By this time the operators will become very nervous, and the scientists who know about this will already be waiting for the next flight to places 25,000 miles away.

The overheated reactor will proceed to empty the water surrounding it and start to melt the surrounding concrete and graphite walls around them. This will result into a pond of lava. And this lava will keep on melting everything around them that until one point it is so hot that the reactor will explode. The best example of this explosion was the explosion experienced in the nuclear power plant in Chernobyl, where it sent the roof of the reactor flying 1 kilometer above its original position. 

And when that happens, it will release so much radiation that declaring a state of emergency won't help much. A perimeter hundreds of miles surrounding the plant will be affected, and many will find themselves dying in a very painful manner within hours to months from the exposures to the radiation, depending on their received radiation dosage. 


Well, first Mother Earth, over some very unfamiliar case of female angriness shook the land at 8.9 Richter scale. Everyone went upside down before it stopped. Even before these people were able to remove the stuffs that landed on their heads and trying to recover themselves after the unforeseen quake, Mother Earth sent them a huge wave from the sea, best described by these people and everyone around the world who borrowed the word as a tsunami. 

This tsunami swept and slammed on everything in its way, including the nuclear power plant. The huge amount of water caused the plant's electricity to fail. This means the pumps that pull the cooling water into the reactor stopped working. Furthermore the pipelines that channel the water were damaged, causing another trouble to resume the cooling operation. Uncooled reactors started behaving like monkeys on fire - they produced extremely huge steam from the remaining water surrounding them. The thing is, since the water pipelines were damaged, this steam did not have anywhere to go to exit the system. Since there was no way out the reactor, the steam decided to make one itself. 

When you boil water, expansion happens. This too means there is an increment in pressure. If you don't believe me, try boiling the water in your kettle with all openings closed. You will find yourself covered with boiling water and steam as the kettle explodes due to this increasing pressure that builds up during the boiling stage.

And this is what happened to the power plant. Generated steam did not have any way to go out, so they made their way out through the roof, sending roof segments flying at all directions following an explosion.  So the Japanese saw this and they decided to let seawater into the reactor to keep the reactor cool and below water level. Somewhat, another explosion as shown in the image below, took place where again it was caused by superheated vapor or steam at elevated pressures making their escape from the reactor.

Now, the reactors have to be cooled sufficiently to prevent meltdown from happening. The question whether the state of Fukushima Daiichi will face a declared state of emergency for the highest nuclear disaster alarm cannot be confidently answered. The game is to do whatever that can be done and hope for the best. 

The second explosion this morning has caused a lot of people to become very very nervous, including coming out with statements that tomorrow there will be acid rains all over Malaysia, and whoever gets exposed to it will catch cancer. 

So my question to the readers is: how does acid rain be formed here in Malaysia, when what happened has nothing to do with acidic disaster? Shouldn't we be expecting radioactive rain or something?

But don't worry. Despite the major disaster currently going on in Japan, we will hardly be affected physically except on the economic part and a few other small parts of shared benefits with Japan. If there ever is acid rain tomorrow, it will not going to be formed from the radioactive materials released in Fukushima Daiichi. Most probably it is formed from that industrial factory at the back of your house.

So stay calm, and thanks for learning with me!

Anyway.....any question? Hah.


Today is quite so far an interesting day for me. 

I was earlier on the phone with some few guys I know; some are in the engineering field, some are in the scientific field and the rest come from various others. Mostly, the issues being discussed were the possibility of the meltdown of the reactor core of the recently washed-up Japan's Fukushima Daiichi thermal nuclear power plant by a monstrous wave from the open sea best known as tsunami.

Coincidentally, the word tsunami originated from Japan. 

The issues discussed was pretty simple - will, or will not the reactor explode?

The main concerns for this particular issue in question were the flying concrete roof of reactor no. 1 of the power plant, released steam into the air due to this explosion and the ever-rising reactor temperature that could lead to a possible meltdown. There are three main reactor core in the power plant, where 2 of them, reactor no. 1 and 3 received the most attention, whereby reactor no. 2 remained docile for the current being. 

The explosion was due to the rising temperature and pressure of the trapped water and hydrogen mixture within the concrete structure of the plant, where after some time the superheated steam generated from the trapped liquid at elevated temperature caused pressure to build up and later sent the concrete roof of the reactor flying from quite an explosion. 

Soon when the aftermath smoothed off, it was realized that due to the tsunami the cooling water circulatory system was down due to electrical issues and damage pipelines from the previously rampaging tsunami. So now the plant has no power to keep the cooling water circulation to cool down the heating-up cores, and even if they did, the pipelines to channel this cooling medium were fatally damaged that no water could simply pass through. And this has caused a lot of Japs to be rather nervous.

Then they found a solution - channel in the brine or saltwater from the neighboring sea to cool down the reactors before they finally decided to explode from extreme temperature hike. The good nature of this selection of the classical way of heat transferring is that brine has pretty decent properties as effective heat transporter. Another attempt to mix the incoming brine with boron, chemical element #5, made the choice became even better, since the formation of the acidic compound of boron, best known as boric acid, will greatly help to reduce further chain reactions at the time dynamically occurring in the fuel rods. 

However, there is a catch to this. Everything does, actually.

The saltwater that circulates into the reactors might bring with them traces of radioactive materials with them, and due to no water treatment system whatsoever, this thing will be back in the sea as soon as they make it out of the reactors components. Furthermore, the formation of steam from this cooling effort will cause radioactive vapor to freely being distributed in the ambient without any pre-cleaning method whatsoever. As to add more insult to the injury, boron does not come naturally in its prime state. It has to be produced in industry through some major pain-in-the-ass production manner. To supply this fission-halter element too introduced a major headache, where the shoreline has been washed up with so many things that landing party might find it inaccessible at the immediate, whereby land roads too could be facing the same problem. Considering air transport could quite make it, but by the look of it we are not talking about a handful, or boxful, or bagful of boron. 

We are talking about hundreds of kilograms, or worst, tons of boron. And if it ever could be transported to the main site, the production of boric acid might be just another time-consuming event. If a decision is made to transport a whole bunch of boric acid, well, then more provocative measures are to be taken up, because the reactivity of boric acid towards carbonic formations of elements are pretty undeniable. 

This, however critical, may be obliged for the sake of preventing larger scale of catastrophic and major nuclear disaster. 

So these close friends of mine were discussing among ourselves and we gained pretty much of very technical knowledge on the matter. This is of course not the hardest part since I myself have been indulged in the thermoenergy field for almost 5 years, whereas the guys are respectively from the fields of particle physics, advanced fluid mechanics, nanoparticles, advanced material, thermal engineering, heat and combustion field, pure and statistical mathematician and other related fields that may appear to be relatively relevant to this case of probable nuclear disaster. Few of them are doctorate holders, and one of them are currently in the possession of the title of professorship in his particular area. 

In a layman term, these guys are no bullshitters, and they know what they are talking about.

The way we see this is simple. There were predictions that they reactor may have been affected, despite all the claim that there are no leakages of radioactive elements from the reactor even when it had been shaken by an 8.9 Richter scale earthquake, got washed up by a giant wave, had a roof flown off and currently at the time had rising temperature as we spoke.  

As to cut things short, it is fine that I'd say we talked so much of boring technical things that it was so boring that if I ever going to write it down here this blog will evolve to become so boring that the readers will find themselves to be so bored that the boredom sparked from the boring technical stuffs may somewhat appear to be less boring than what they cause. 

Interestingly, I and a few friends who were in my room discussing online with some chaps we know all the way in the land of the rising sun and other energy experts from some academical establishment while getting ourselves updated with technical information from the disaster, I saw a Facebook update that said the melting of the reactor may appear to be higher than ever anticipated. One came and commented that the problem has somewhat been resolved. So simply I came and said my thought that, 'there is no way a nuclear-related disaster could be handled in a matter of hours'.

One thing led to another that the argument somewhat went quite into a heated one, matching the temperature of the melting rector no. 3 of the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant, with added amplification from the heated debate going on behind me at the time between my postgraduate friends who one of them is a pure mathematician, fluid expert and a statistical-oriented researcher, while another is a high temperature and high pressure catalyst expert from the Chemical Engineering department of UTP, best associated with one of the most highly-profiled professor in the mentioned department for many years. 

One thing I learned today is that, do not interfere with undergraduate students while they are in their process of learning. It will be a grave mistake. Despite that this may sound underestimating, it does not - the main reason why interference are to be avoided is that the gap of the level of knowledge, understanding, wisdom and perception on certain things in the undergraduate students and postgraduate researchers like us and other friends who have been in the academic and research fields for so long are so wide that it may exceed the exceptionally wide butt crack of Mr Joseph Harrington of Essex (sorry Harrington, we all still love you despite that very disturbing fact of yours). 

Picture this: how do you teach to a small child simple arithmetic when he (or she, again, to answer the cry from anti-sexist movement) keeps of getting it wrong, and you for certain reason is a professor of mathematics with defined capabilities in correcting the major error in the first derivation of the first general theory of relativity and has the fundamental of logic at the back of your hand. Over time, frustration will grow over you, and sooner or later you will find yourself struggling in making the child understand of why the hell 1 + 4 = 5 and 5 x 6 = 30. 

Even worst, we (because the two bastard friends o' mine and I were looking at the same status update on the same monitor) were seen as idiots. Can you imagine that? We all have our expertise on our own fields, and we were seen as idiots, by someone who is not even close to the pure engineering field, let alone posses an engineering degree. This does not mean that we are all proud bastards who practice holier-than-thou attitude nor we see others as pure lunatic idiots who worth not even a single molecule of oxygen on this earth. No, we are not the kind of people. I mean, hey, sometimes we were wrong too, see. And we admit it. We were kids too. But when we were kids, we dared not to fuck with anyone with higher scholar title than us. 

But to be trashed by someone who's not even in the field, and some more with inaccurate information, well what can we say? It's like telling your mom that she cooked the most elaborated pasta ever wrongly, when you yourself cannot even have the slight possibility to fry a goddamn egg without setting the whole kitchen on fire. 

Well maybe time has changed. Today, even Spongebob can obtain an honorary degree from Wikipedia, your online encyclopedia. Today, everyone is a genius behind the computer. This is what we call information at a mouse scroll and touch of a button. 

We were however lived our childhood without a computer. Computer was so alien to us just like a kangaroo is so alien to the penguin in the arctic circle. We spent our childhood reading from books and articles and newspapers and everything else on hard copy edition. Even until today, we still do the old school way of reading by the hard copy, and even posses our own huge collection of books on wit and wisdom, philosophy and knowledge, when other people have been reading from ebooks and stored them in their hard drives rather in dusty book racks like we do. We are just way too old school I guess.

But there's a catch to this: -

"During a power outbreak best exampled by the offline Fukushima Daiichi power plant and a computer may not be available for information, we'd still have our books easily accessible in our hands." - T.S.B., as told to the writer, March 13th 2011.