"Dan ketahuilah kalian semua bahawa hamba ini baru berhadapan satu malapetaka yang amat dahsyat sekali..."
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It seemed that my being missing has been heartfelt by many.
As much as I wanted to assure you all that I have been taking care of myself well since we last met, much to my conscience too to inform you that, despite I am physically alright, I am emotionally not.
There has been something bothering my mind, and still.
In life, there are some stuffs that you may get to know and some other that you need to leave them be without knowing. Just as much as God has told us not to investigate into matters too much for the amount of unrevealed knowledge might be just too extreme for us to handle, I did break through the barrier just to know just a little bit more, only to find that in the end I am in a position where I knew too much. And The Prophet was all right about when one knows too much, one goes nuts.
Therefore I am.
Revealed beyond the eyes of mine who wanted to know just a little bit more beyond my ability, the hidden knowledge of the past that should have instead stayed buried deep within time. And made before my own eyes the real story; the big picture, the real chain of events that brought out my most and only fear, of knowing what I should not be.
What I know does not matter.
But what it does to me do. Since knowing it I have seen myself sitting at the corner of my bed in the dark since the past few days, shivering, not from the coldest of night rain outside nor the flickering street lights that shone through the wet window glasses, but from my own fear. I have seen myself placing my palms on my sweating face, cursing, damning, blaming my own curiosity, my cravings that caused me to know too much, just way too much.
If I could travel back in time, I would have stopped myself from stepping into the matter, because my life could have been better without knowing what I already knew now. But that could not be done, at least not now. And henceforth I am left with no choice but to endure the fact that I have known, and I shall forever be that way.
What I am currently going through right now, come to think of it, could be more worst than The One-Year Depression I went through in the period between 2009 to 2010. And even more worst, there is no possible way to reverse the effect of knowing, except by either losing my memory or my head, or perhaps both.
When I got to know about this thing that currently bothers my mind so much - the thing I should have not known at all - I felt like I was punched continuously by a jackhammer in the stomach, got hit twice by a 3-ton truck, got run over by a one-kilometer long passenger train back and forth, thrown into a pool of burning gasoline, and back to the jackhammer series of punching, and repeat.
It's like, it's like a lightning bolt coming and hit you right at your face and blew your head up so bad even the coroner won't take a second look at you once you hit the morgue.
At the time this entry is written, I still am struggling against my own mind; the battle I foresee might last for some couple of years or so, unless, of course, I lose my mind, or my head in that very long course of war. And by the look of it, my raging mind has most of the advantage, leading in position against my own conscience, pushing me all the way down into a clear sense of defeat.
Or probably a bullet in the head tomorrow would do.
* * *
"Dan ketahuilah kalian semua bahawa hamba ini baru berhadapan satu malapetaka yang amat dahsyat sekali, sehinggakan jantung yang berdenyut di dalam dada hamba ini seakan direntap dengan kasar sekali.
Tiadalah mampu hamba bernafas dengan sempurna, apatah lagi melangkah dengan tertib. Gelap pandangan mata hamba ini tiada berkehujungan, berbasahlah hamba dek hujan yang berpanjangan. Tiadalah berselera hamba untuk bersuap nasi, apakan lagi merasai rasa riang dan ria, dek gundah gulana yang bermaharajalela di hati.
Namun sekiranya itulah yang tersurat buat hamba, tiadalah hamba mampu melawan lagi, tunduklah hamba kepada segala yang mendatang, demi rasa bahagia yang kekal abadi."