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Mighty Jacksparrow is an Earth-based sub-intergalactic blogger who enjoys writing and in the same time entertaining his ever-amusing will-kill-to-read fans with sensationally hilarious and at times dramatic musings. This blog offers endless ideas and results; they might be charming most of the times but could be offending in some others. Therefore, it is always noble to remind that if you enjoy the pieces, carry on reading, but if they upset you, do quietly leave like the evening breeze and not like exploding diarrhea, which exactly what you will look like if you ever lose it on me. Enjoy! :D

Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Legend of The Middlefinger's Bear


The bear went amok again. 

"We've gotta do something, damn it," said one of the young lads in the group. There were more than fifty people there in that gathering that took place at the little town hall. They were the citizens of Middlefinger, a secluded small town quite a distance away from the capital of the Faraway Kingdom. They were gathering to discuss over one of the biggest challenges the town was facing; an even greater event since The Big Bra Bombard that took place some time back that caused the market price of bra worldwide to plummet due to excessive production of bra in Middlefinger, which was at the time the world's biggest bra producer, where all children, adult and oldies there were world-certified bra makers. The Big Bra Bombard refers to the event where the large bra production facility owned by the town was bombarded with rocks launched from catapults operated by angry mobs of bra makers from other sides of the world in a desperate race to gain back their controls over the worldwide bra market price. 

To which they successfully did.

"Yeah, we have to do something," another young lad broke the silence that had since becoming to annoy many there but none had the guts to say something up, and what a relief somebody else did. "We have to kill the bear."

Surrounded by thick forests, the town of Middlefinger was, due to that, surrounded with many dangerous  and deadly beasts. Among these and happened to be the most troublesome is The Bear. With a weight of almost a ton, The Bear always hit the city at night and threw big rocks into rooftops directly above the bedrooms, or more specifically the area directly above the belly of the people who slept in the bedrooms. This so far had caused many people to suffer from very terrible pain right at the lower part of their abdomens, whereby some others, due to the incorrectness of the trajectory calculations done by The Bear, had died when the rocks landed on their heads instead of their belly. And this had made many people angry.

"Kill The Bear!" the first lad screamed in anger, followed by many other angry people, since this had been the easiest way to make ad-hoc decisions in Middlefinger - by majority showmanship. "Kill The Bear! Kill The Bear!" they all screamed.

But native to everyone's perspective, when it comes to making decisions, there has to be someone who has to be the spoiler by placing a benefit of doubt in that decision. And this person for this event happened to be the Town Mayor, who also happened to be the most pessimistic fellow ever alive in Middlefinger. 

"Well, sure, that's very" the Mayor said. "But who, among all you cowards, me included, would do it? Who'd kill The Bear?"

And so the town hall went quiet again, as fairly expected. It stayed like that for almost an hour until suddenly the hall's door was opened with pitching creaks, to which everyone looked at instantly. And there stood a tough-looking young man with a physical appearance so excitingly gorgeous that many women flushed in seconds when they looked at him. He dressed like a big-time hunter, and at the back of him hung a long-range big-bore twin-barrel rifle, strengthening the initial idea that he was indeed a big-time hunter. 

"That's the guy!" screamed the first lad with his finger pointed at the hunter. "He's our guy! He'll kill The Bear and save this town from future miseries!" And so everyone else did the same thing to support the idea, except the Mayor who at the time spit at one of the hall's pillar to show his disapproval, for whatever reason that was. 

Although in the mind of the hunter he did not have any damn idea of what was going on, he quickly decided to take the job, firstly because he heard the word 'kill', which happened to be his favorite job and past-time activity, and secondly because he heard the word 'The Bear', to which he assumed must be his next victim of his favorite job and past-time activity. And therefore, the idea 'to kill The Bear' pleased him very much. He nodded in style, showing his agreement in helping the citizens, and therefore put an end to their miseries, whatever their miseries were. 

And the people of Middlefinger cheered in excitement.


* * *

The morning was foggy. 

The hunter walked slowly into the forest with his rifle in hands, all locked and loaded. He paid a lot of attention to his surroundings and look for any sign of The Bear. Other than a few groups of young town lads raping some damsels, to which he did not do anything about because it was not a part of his job scope, he did not find anything so far. The day seemed not to be so productive, and it was only his first day on the job. He was quite frustrated and wanted to return to the town when he suddenly heard some noise from behind a small hill in front of him.

He threw himself onto the green moss on the forest floor and crawled towards the sound. From beneath those little shrubs he saw The Bear throwing pebbles at a circular board with a red dot in the middle, hung on a tree. The Bear was definitely perfecting its art of throwing to increase its throwing accuracy. What a damn luck, the Hunter thought. And so he aimed his rifle at The Bears head, unlocked the rifle and took a long breath before re-aiming, and after he was sure of all things he pulled the trigger. 

The forest was shaken by the sound and smoke the gun made. 

After the smoke settled, he looked for The Bear but found nothing. He was puzzled. He raised his head to find a clearer view, when suddenly his shirt was pulled from the back hard. Seconds later, he found himself hanging in the air by his shirt, and as he rotated he ended up looking into the eyes of The Bear. The Bear's ear was bleeding, indicating that the Hunter missed his target, and The Bear did not look very happy. Within seconds The Bear stripped the Hunter's clothes down to nothing, and by looking at the angry and somewhat lusty look on The Bear's face, the Hunter knew that he's screwed. 

"Prepare, human," The Bear said. The Hunter was entirely surprised: first, The Bear could talk; second, he definitely was gonna get screwed, literally. 

And the silent forest again by noises, this time long, painful screams. 


* * *

The second morning.

The Hunter again walked into the forest with his rifle and a cane. His lower back was still burning in pain from the event yesterday, where he was sexually assaulted and raped by The Bear. And this pulsating pain from his lower back burned him in anger, and this time he swore he'll kill The Bear even with his bare hands. No one should know that he was raped. No one.

He went passed three groups of men each raping a lady, a female goat and an oak tree, and still didn't give a damn about them. In his mind was to kill The Bear. He checked his rifle every now and then to make sure that it was locked and loaded, as he walked slowly with the help of the cane until he reached at the place where he first saw The Bear, and where he was later raped by, well, The Bear.

He slowly approached the small hill, and as expected, The Bear was there, still throwing pebbles at the circular board. He did not wait long this time. He aimed his rifle straight to The Bear's neck, and tried hard not to move at all. As his confidence emerged, he unlocked the rifle and fired upon the beast, and the forest was again shaken by the sound and smoke the gun made. 

When the smoke settled, the Hunter was sure that it was finally over. He stayed still for a while to make sure that there was nothing else moving, to make sure that The Bear was really dead. And he did not hear anything. The Bear was dead. It was finally dead. He let out a long relief. The long day was over. 

It was not long until he was pulled hard from his back and hung in the air by his shirt again. He went pale as he rotated slowly to face The Bear, that at the time had another ear bleeding from the Hunter's shot. And The Bear did not look happy at all. 

"Why you!" the Hunter tried to punch The Bear but the beast was merely being faster than him, catching his arm with his big paw and within seconds again the Hunter was stripped naked. The Hunter's face depicted the horror he was facing. All of a sudden, the pain in his ass started to remind him of something. 

"Please," he said. "Please, no, I beg you, please."

"Prepare, human."

And the silent forest again by noises, this time longer, more painful screams. 


* * *

Third time.

The Hunter navigated his way with two arm crutches through the forest. In all hardship he made his way while pulling a semi-sized bronze cannon on wheels, all armed and powdered. His plan this time was clear: he will shoot The Bear in pieces with the bombard, and he was pretty sure the bombard could, since the device was designed to bomb a hole through a thick castle wall with a single shot and destroy the whole structure with the second. The cannon was just the weapon he needed to kill the bugger who had raped him twice. 

The pain in his ass pulsated hard.

He pulled the cannon with so much hardship. Fueled with determination and anger, he went all vendetta. He wanted his revenge. That bastard must die.

When he reached the place, passing all the same three groups of rapist doing a cow, a manatee and a freshwater fish, he settled his cannon and calculated the cannonball projection. He loaded the super-bomber detonating cannonball he bought for a fortune specifically for this job for more killing power. Once ready, supported by his crutches he fired the cannon and the forest shook so bad at least some small animals and trees died instantly from the shock. 

Once the cannonball landed, it exploded with a bang so loud more animals and trees died. The detonation created a crater the size of a medium pond and sent everything flying in the air. After the explosion, things started to settle down, flying things landed, and one of these things was The Bear's target practice circular board that landed exactly in front of the Hunter.

The hunter shed a tear and said his gratitudes for the miseries of the small town of Middlefinger and his were finally over. There was no way anything could survive that explosion. He felt relieved and joyful. 

But not for long. 

When he turned around to walk back towards the town, he was suddenly pulled back hard by his shirt and hung in the air again. As he rotated in the air he found himself again eye-to-eye with The Bear, that at the time was covered with dusts. 

Oh no, said the Hunter again in his heart. Don't tell me I missed again

The Bear looked at him in confusion. The human hanging in its paw was the best hunter the world could ever offer, with such bravery, determination and strength to kill, with such firepower that could rattle a small city in a simple attack, but why did he missed his target so many times? As it tried to generate some very rational answers in its mind as the Hunter rotated in its paw, it could only come out with one very strong conclusion.

"Human," The Bear said, as he proceeded to undress the Hunter before it smiled at him and continued:


"You weren't really here to kill me, were you?"


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