Friday, August 26, 2011

Solitude 2.0

This would be the third week I have been at home in Kuala Lumpur.

Come to think of it, this could be the longest period I've ever been at home since my undergraduate years, where usually the semester break may reach up to more than a month and a half long. Life after graduation saw me living by myself in UTP as I continued my study back in 2008, where I mostly spent my days in laboratories and the likes, very less likely at home. 

And this three weeks could be the longest three weeks in my life. 

Nothing much happened at home, really, other than me completing my thesis writing every sleepless night all by myself. Although I've tried to make my life here rather interesting, it seemed not to happen as I most anticipated. Following a few surprising failures, I started to think that maybe this place is not quite right for me to be at this current moment, or perhaps for long.

Maybe this isn't where I belong.

Perhaps I live better alone, no? Come to think of it again, my life in UTP wasn't all bad. No, it wasn't bad at all. Apart from the setback that I live all by myself, I feel freer there. Not to say that I am imprisoned here at home, but there are some things I usually did in UTP but I cannot simply do here i.e. blasting the speakers, reading all day long etc. Well I don't know. Perhaps I prefer living by myself better. 

No people. No commitment. No worries. No need to please and be pleased. No need to lie and be lied upon. No need to communicate. Utter silence. No words. No smiles. No frowns. No love. No hate. Just stillness. Coldness. Long darkness. Unfulfilled. Empty. No good feelings. No bad feelings. Indifference. Endless coffee stream. Flaming cigarette burns. Tantric music in the background. No surprises. No promises. Nothing. Nothing at all. I can do whatever the hell I want without subjecting to anybody's criticisms nor sensitivity. 

What is wrong with me? I don't know. 

Maybe I think too much. Or maybe I worry too much. I lost my calmness. I lost content. Maybe I know too much. Maybe I tolerate too much. Maybe I care too much too. Well what do I know, what do I do? Everything seems to always be wrong to you. Maybe I don't deserve this. Well who knows? Maybe I deserve worst than what this life so far shows. 

I miss my small, decent crib in UTP. 

That place doesn't have much, anyway. But it has so far supplied me with generous happiness to ease my endless sorrow, and a wholesome of companion to fill my lonely days. Strange, just when a lot of people miss home, I miss my room. Perhaps to me, that room is home? Maybe it is. I hardly feel sick there. Let alone getting heartbroken. There's nothing else I crave for now than the love that place usually has in reserve for me. Because they said home is where the heart is. 

Well, maybe it's about time to finally head home.

* * *

We have done a lot of growing up,
We were never meant to be together.
Without You by Hinder; Universal Records; 2008.

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