Thursday, December 15, 2011

And That Is All

In every broken heart, there's always still some words left unspoken.

Now these words, if left unspoken and kept within, will progressively consume the soul of the owner of the broken heart. Therefore, for the best of self, one must decide to pour all of them out before more damages are done. In the hopes of my well being, I must let out of most of the things I previously kept within me, and by luck, I hope that what I am going to convey will ease myself in the pursuit for inner peace. 

And I hope this will be the end of all suffering. 

* * *


The past 495 days were the most wonderful time I had in my whole life. It was the longest and most serious relationship I have ever had, and nothing I could repay you for the kindness, love and care that you have shown to me beyond your every capability. All the times spent together, I truly enjoyed and remembered as our experiences and memories for all these days and nights. Bittersweet, doesn't matter. Every story has two sides of perspective, one or another. Every dream and hopes, every laugh and smile, I treasure them greatly. Every good moments shared together will be remembered, and so will the fights and arguments we had that in time brought us even more closer as days went by.

Feelings grew fonder when we were separated for a while, and even more stronger when we were together.

All the dates we went for, all the diners we went to, all spoken words and promises, I treasure them all. All the songs I sang for you, all the notes I wrote, the gifts, the flowers, all the hugs and kisses, and all the love I showered for you, they were all sincere and without prejudice. All the tears shed for you, they were all from my truest feelings, nothing left hidden. How lovely you were to me. And how I missed all our conversations.

I honestly miss you. How I missed your voice.

Life was very difficult when you left. With fading hopes, I woke up every morning and slept every night thinking of you. Emotions got the best of me, and drowned in my own fears and disappointments I buried myself deep in my own pit of sorrow begging for miracles to happen. Every minutes or so looking at the cold iron gate of home, hoping that you will, for every good or bad reason, appear there like you used to. Every second staring at the still and silent phone, hoping that it will ring with good news from you. And as much as hoping for rocks to form into butter, none of these happened. 

I had only hopes. 

Loneliness came blanketing. I don't know how you are doing. Maybe you have had moved on. Maybe you don't suffer at all. Perhaps feelings have faded. Perhaps feelings have changed. A real sad case to examine, knowing that we used to be so close, now that we are back as strangers to each other. Not even a last goodbye. Not even a single word of anything. Not even a single chance to look at you for the last time. As you drove away into the darkest night, I stood by myself watching you go, at a place where our love first bloomed, the same place where our love finally shattered. I didn't have the chance to wave at you. 

You left so early. I had so much to say.

Mistakes were made, and we learned from them. Being a human myself, I could never be the perfect man you desperately wanted. Hours passed, thinking of what went wrong. Perhaps I didn't show how much I loved you. Perhaps I didn't let you know how much I valued your soothing presence. Perhaps I never did let you know just how much I love your smiles and the way you laugh. The way you looked at me and uttered those lovely words. Perhaps I never showed you how much I missed you through my stormy nights. Perhaps I wasn't being the man you ought me to be. Perhaps I wasn't the man you thought you'd marry. 

Loneliness. Unloved. Perhaps our story was just a plain lie. 

Strange, just how I am at the lowest part of my life when I am actually achieving in a lot of things. The dreams I shared with you, the futures we planned together, the life we wanted to have, none of them become a reality. The names of our sons and daughters that we never going to have. Around me the smell of you still lingers. Fresh as if it was from just last night. I could still feel the warmth of your skin, and your voice whispering into my cold ears. I could still hear you calling for me, and as I turn around, you are not there. Hoping for the impossibles, could never really hit me that well. 

Hardest were the days without you.

But I can't be like this forever. I can take a few tears and pretend as if things are alright. Confused and lost, I have nothing else to lose. I've got to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer here, and that I am to walk this road alone again, carrying my hopes and dreams to unknown futures. I have loved you within my best capacity, and I have expressed myself so much by wanting to marry you. I have taken care of you sincerely with pride and responsibility. I have cared for you and your whole family, and all I wanted was just the best for us. Perhaps those were just not enough to satisfy. Perhaps I was so wrong I could no longer be right. Perhaps everything I did and anything I do now never really matter at all. Perhaps the love I had for you worth nothing of expense.

I still love you you know. 

But I have to let you go. I have to let you go. Although I can still see you everywhere, I've got to move on. It hurts the most. Maybe there are better plans for us in the future. Maybe we'll meet again. Maybe we'll end up with somebody else. Maybe one day in a few years we'll look back again and wonder about each other. Maybe we'll never look back at all. Maybe we'll remember, maybe we'll just forget. Maybe we'll smile at what we have ever had. Maybe one of us will leave this world first, and all I've had for you are neverending prayers. Maybe we'll never move on. Maybe we will. Maybe we will never love again. Maybe we will. Uncertainties. Regrets. Sorrowful sorry. Come long miseries. 

I wish you all the best in life and in whatever you do. I hope that you will finally find the man you really wanted to spend your whole life with. I hope that all of your dreams will come true, with or without me. I hope that you will take a good care of yourself. I hope that you will study hard and achieve what you work for. Thank you again for all the cherished memories. I had good times with you. All my smiles, laughs and tears, I regret nothing. I forgive you, and you know where to find me comes one day when you need me the most. But for now, Autumn, I'm letting you go. I have to let you go. I'm sorry, and I let you go. I never did leave you, but when you did leave me, I have no choice but to let you go.

Don't worry about me, I will be alright. I hope I will. 

One day I will.


pinksky82 said...

so... you broke up?

hmm.. takpe. u ensem. nnt jumpa lah yang sesuai utk u.

PointBlankShot said...


im glad you didnt tell me the whole story on the bloody timeline.

i got no comforting words for you. just stay alive and be strong bro.

Ze_Mhis said...

be strong.

*read almost half of your entries here, too much to say yet dun think it is good enough to be written in every comment box of your entry. Thus, this represent all of it. Gonna continue reading tonight coz got work to do now*

Qiez AR said...

Yeah, stay alive big man.

Noora Darmawan said...

what happened?

Mohamad Nazmi Zaidi said...

Thanks people. May Allah bless you all.

NiSha said...

As long we are in list of ur friend then dont keep much worry.. keep smile..and move on as u could...

Anonymous said...

you will.

Nurul Intan said...

please be strong.
Allah knows best :)