Life is full with mysteries. To those who have lived long enough, they will realize that there were a lot of things that often went unexplained by means of logic and science. And often too these unexplained mysteries bore a lot of speculations; some were correct, some were not.
I have went missing for a period of two weeks.
Sometimes being honest with self is the hardest, while being honest to others in second hardest thing to do. After taking two long weeks to be honest with myself, I today take the courage to be honest with all of you who often come and visit this blog in a regular basis from time to time. And as I carefully arrange my words in order not to offend anyone nor myself, my mind runs like a failing clockwork. My sore eyes try hard to open, and my trembling fingers work their way to convey what I am going to say next.
Hardest were the last two weeks.
Love is a delicate matter. When two souls love each other, they start to float to up above the high clouds in happiness and joy. Life seems to be so easygoing and practically charming to deal with. Nothing seems to matter at all but love; love that completes one another and perfects the imperfections of each other.
But as love starts to fade, there comes the falling rain and thunder. There comes the windy storm and tormenting typhoon. Everything seems to be so wrong in order. Bit by bit the holding hands give away, and the two lovers are thrown away from one another, often so close, yet so far away. And the eternal flight ends immediately, as these two lovers fall fast from the sky and smash into the ground, deep into the deepest pits of sorrow. Alone by self in the dark.
Miserable best describes what I feel inside.
It has been two long weeks since I smiled widely. Since I was ever so bloody happy. Since I was so much in love. Since I was so at the peak of my life. Since perfection was perfectly perfect.
But now, nothing was more lonely than my late nights and my early mornings, and very much in between. Nothing was more empty than my heart now, if there is still any bit of it left, and nothing is more broken than my heart now, if there is still any other bit of it around. Gone were the days of everlasting love; the shared smiles, laughter and dreams. Gone were the warmth and the protective shrouds of shelter. Thunderstorms over my head, breaking grounds below my feet. The future seems so cloudy now; confused, uncertain, indecisive.
As much as I wept over what had happened, deep inside I know that there is nothing else that can be done to undo all these mess. Needless to say, there is still so much explanations to be done to a lot of people who are anticipating the incoming big day just a few more weeks from now. Whatever it is, what has to be done has to be done, and with a cold heart I walked from one person to another to inform that there will be no such thing anymore. And the receptions I received were mixed; some were shocked, some were sympathetic, some were neutral, some were supportive, while some other laughed. People being people. Being an imperfect man I am, I take all the blame and responsibilities from what happened.
I have to.
Looking at how my mom cried and how my dad reacted to the news, my almost-healed heart torn apart into so many pieces. If only those empty door gift boxes could cry too. The long lists of guests. The gloomy walls of despair and sorrows. And almost everything else. I have to be strong, because if I don't, I will only cause many other heartbreaks.
Never mind my heart. Never mind my heart anymore.
Had I a chance to turn back time, no matter how physically impossible, I would have had. I would have looked after our mistakes and mend them before they went beyond control. Had I a chance to love better, I would. Had I a chance to be a man that makes everything perfectly, I would have. Had I a chance to love again, I would have. Blame it on me, I take all of them with open arms and open hearts, and may I will be strong and patience in order to walk through yet another Allah's test to me. May my eyes one day stop weeping, and may one day my nightmares stop haunting. May the readers accept this as Allah's fate and please do not blame anybody else but myself. May all be well again, insya Allah.
You left so quickly. I had so much to say.
I am so very sorry my all dear friends, but there will be no wedding for me this time around.
p/s: I will remove all the posts once I am strong enough to face all these. In the mean time, they will stay as they are. Please kindly understand.