Sunday, January 15, 2012


In myself, there is hell. 


In there my anger burns. Along with my disappointments, my frustrations, my despair, my sadness and my sorrows. My love, my hatred; mixed. Every day they burn in sky-grabbing fire, hot like always. Char after char of disappointment fuel the soaring flames. Broken dreams and shattered hopes remain witnesses. Ashes of never tomorrows laid upon the barren soil of my deserted plains of extreme emptiness. 

Slowly it consumes me from within, turning me into one cold bastard that cares less about everything. About the suffering of others. About the love of others. About the existence of others, and as well, the totality of others too. 

There were times when the fire burnt so intensely that some of the heat broke loose. 

When that happened, I saw myself being somebody else. At rage. Extreme amount of energy came bursting out from inside. I became awfully quiet. Surrounded in silence. My rational dissipated in my own fiery emotions. And when that happened, especially these days, I had to channel the energy out to keep my sanity in check. 

I had to drain the energy out before the monster in me gets unleashed. 

So I ran. I went to the gym and started lifting weights. Pulling, pushing, punching, kicking. Bucketful of sweats remains a friend. Endless bandages and menthol creams for injured tendons and torn muscles. At times I physically bleed from all the accidents I got. My body was in pain, but I couldn't stop, I pushed over the limits. I pushed till it hurt, and I pushed it till it hurt no more. 

The fire in me, it may never cease. 

I ran till I drop. I lifted weights till I couldn't feel my fingers. Numb. Blue spots around my flesh. Even brushing my teeth in the morning was too painful. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw some other cuts and bruises appearing. Another swollen joint. Another pain to bear with. And I saw my eyes. They were once shining. What happened? My lips, why aren't they smiling no more? And I felt it. I felt my anger burning again, deep inside me. I felt my lips trembling. I felt my face heating up. 

The monster was back again. 

So I put on my running attire, and I ran again. 

And the hell in me, they keep on burning. 

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