Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The more I think about it, the more disturbed I became.

I placed both my arms in between my head and the plushy feather pillow in that bed for one. My eyes stared at the empty ceiling. The plaster carving seemed to be so dead. The air-conditioning unit blew cold air gently onto my dry face. The little wall clock ticked punctually, and its ticking sound filled the room just like the emptiness did. The rays of streetlight outside made shadows again on the plain white walls. The radio sat quietly at its place.

The room was dead. So was my heart.

If only I knew that she belonged to someone else. If only I knew that her heart had already been taken. If only I knew that I was never the first, only second. Had I knew all those, I won’t be so dead in my bed. In my mind were her smiles. Those precious moments when she threw me those heartwarming glances and that looks she gave when she was jealous, and that reactions when I made her laughed when she was mad over something. Memorable moments, they all were.


I still remembered all. Just like how calm she was when she told me that she was already in a relationship with someone. Someone that she called ‘Sayang’. Imagine, that I had to listen to all of these while in the same time controlling my raging emotions that I found troublesome to keep inside. The moment when she explained about the person whose call I saw when she was sleeping in the LRT that night, I felt like the entire sky blew open and crashed exactly on me. I felt like I was hit in the head with a baseball bat that swung at the speed of light. I felt like, gosh, I had so many of painful thoughts in mind that time that at some point I just hoped that I would drop dead for the sake of ending everything.

And then the shame and embarrassment.

Oh how shameful it was, thinking about all the plans in life that I secretly had in mind when I was with her. All those futures that I had planned for. The dream house that I was designing in my head. The names of our kids. My, the more I thought about it, the more frustrating it became. Even more frustrating, Min just stood there without a single word of comfort to offer. But I realized that she too was having problems explaining everything without letting a single tear out. Maybe she loved me. Maybe she meant what she said. Only that, well, too bad, she was someone else’s and I belonged to no one.

I sat down on my bed and thought about all that Min told me last evening. I checked on my feelings and I knew right away that I was in trouble. You know that feelings when you were about to cry (you know you want to) but you cannot shed not even a single tear? I had that. In fact I had that since the moment Min excused herself from the table because she needed to leave, for her Sayang was already waiting for her by the restaurant. I didn’t even turn around to look at her leaving. I was surrounded by dire coldness I could barely move.

I miss you Min.

I put on my glasses and reached for my phone on the bedside table. I pressed the wakeup button and it came to live again. I logged on into the inbox and saw endless trail of sweet messages between me and her. Oh how beautiful yesterdays were. I pulled my courage and guts together and I looked for the ‘Delete All’ feature. Upon being asked for the confirmation to delete, I closed my eyes and pressed the ‘yes’ button. As I opened my eyes, the inbox was empty. There, nothing else left to remember. At that point my body trembled but I still couldn’t quite shed a tear.

Just when I placed the phone back at its place, it beeped. I knew that tone. It was set exclusive for that particular someone. I took it and checked it out. There was a message waiting to be read.

“I’m sorry.”

And I wept.

...To Be Continued.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

[Auto-published, as set on 8th of May 2012]

"Was it even necessary?"

The restaurant was quite full with customers that hot evening. The smell of frying roti canai on the neraby hot pan filled the warm air generously. The Indian waiters went back and forth, taking orders from customers and delivering their orders to them. The overhead ceiling fan above my head rotated as if it was about to pull the concrete block out from its hanging place. On my table was a pack of 20 Mild Seven Light cigarette, my old Zippo lighter, a tall glass of iced coffee and a tall glass of fresh orange. And sitting in front of me was her.

"Eddy. I'm asking you."

I took a chance to stare at her face and into her round, hazel eyes, in the effort to find the truth behind them. They look tired, somewhat. Was it because she didn't sleep properly? Well what caused her to lose sleep, I wondered. Her crooked eyebrows showed that she needed the answer to her question previously as quickly as possible - something that I planned not to do the way she wanted me to. Let the question hang for a while now, I supposed, for one reason I didn't know how exactly do I to answer it, and another because I was, for some certain reasons, afraid of how exactly she will turn out to be when she hears my answer.

Waste the time, Jack. 

I pulled my glass closer and sipped some of the drink through the slim, black straw. Way too thick, the coffee was; almost undrinkable I shall say. It was too sweet while in the same time too bitter - precisely matched the expression on Min's face at the time: bitter from her little anger, and sweet from, forgive me God for saying this, her little anger too. It fancied me just how she could look so scary and sweet at the same time. She kept on staring at me while I tried my best to stay as calm as possible even when my feet were at the time already tapping against the floor from being way too nervous. From the corner of my eyes I could see Tiara and Bob looking at us from another table across the restaurant. They too were way too anxious. I could hear Min tapping her fingers on the plastic table.


Strike one.

"Eddy I'm talking to you."

Strike two.


In horror, I looked at her face turning from all sweetness into some kind of fierce cat when she grabbed my left arm and pressed her nails into my flesh. I could feel the bites on my arm right away. I pulled my arm instantly and rubbed it gently to shoo away the pain.

"Ouch!" I shrieked. "Calm down already, will you?"

"That's what you get for ignoring me."

"I didn't ignore you."

"You didn't answer my question."

"Correct," I said. "But I didn't ignore you."

She folded her hands and leaned back on her seat. Her face was still as fiery. I shouldn't have said that smart-ass last line.

"Were you following me?" she asked.

I let out a nervous laugh. "Of course not. Why would I?"

Her eyes shut a little and they gave me that one hell of a scary stare. I felt as if a thousand swords just stabbed me right on my face.

"Alright, alright," I said while letting out a long sigh. "It wasn't my idea." 

"I see. Whose was it?" she asked.

I turned my head to where my two best friends were sitting, and so did Min. Tiara gave a nervous smile and waved at Min, to which Min replied with a sleek smile, while Bob pretended as if he was listening to the Tamil song on the speaker even when his nervousness showed up pretty obviously - he was stirring an empty glass with a teaspoon. Min pulled her view back to me.

"And why did you guys follow me for?"

"Because I missed you?"

"Sweet," she smiled a bit before turning back to her sour face. "Don't lie to me Eddy."

"Why would I..."


"Okay. We wanted to know who your Sayang is." Damn it, if she was with the Police Department, the cops won't have any problem at all getting criminals to confess everything. 

Her face changed slightly. Suddenly the world went white and static. A long, ringing sound appeared in my ears. There, I said it. I wanted to know who your Sayang is. I was being jealous. I was way too curious. I was too bloody insecure. Why, you have a problem with that?

And my world went completely static.

Maybe in your mind you thought that I was being way too childish, or perhaps way too nosy, no? Perhaps all I should do was just to zip it when we happened the other day? Or maybe, just maybe, that by saying hi to you for the first time was the biggest mistake I ever did? Perhaps by having this little, no, all too enormous feelings for you deep inside me was the vital move that in the end hurt none other than me myself?

If only you knew just how hurtful it is, knowing that you have someone else to love, when I already did love you, Min. If only you knew how my nights and days went ultimately incomplete, just how my thoughts revolved around you at all time, never mind if I was awake, let alone when I was asleep. Imagine, just how my life went entirely upside down since the day we last said goodbye to each other. But then again, I had no one else to blame, my dear Min, other than my own self, for taking you as someone so much special, someone so much dear to my own heart, without knowing that you, please tell me that it's not true, that you already have for yourself your own Sayang.

"And why do you need to know who my Sayang is, Eddy?"

And at that point, it was my turn for my face to change completely.

...To Be Continued