The more I think about it, the more disturbed I became.
I placed both my arms in between my head and the plushy feather pillow in that bed for one. My eyes stared at the empty ceiling. The plaster carving seemed to be so dead. The air-conditioning unit blew cold air gently onto my dry face. The little wall clock ticked punctually, and its ticking sound filled the room just like the emptiness did. The rays of streetlight outside made shadows again on the plain white walls. The radio sat quietly at its place.
The room was dead. So was my heart.
If only I knew that she belonged to someone else. If only I knew that her heart had already been taken. If only I knew that I was never the first, only second. Had I knew all those, I won’t be so dead in my bed. In my mind were her smiles. Those precious moments when she threw me those heartwarming glances and that looks she gave when she was jealous, and that reactions when I made her laughed when she was mad over something. Memorable moments, they all were.
I still remembered all. Just like how calm she was when she told me that she was already in a relationship with someone. Someone that she called ‘Sayang’. Imagine, that I had to listen to all of these while in the same time controlling my raging emotions that I found troublesome to keep inside. The moment when she explained about the person whose call I saw when she was sleeping in the LRT that night, I felt like the entire sky blew open and crashed exactly on me. I felt like I was hit in the head with a baseball bat that swung at the speed of light. I felt like, gosh, I had so many of painful thoughts in mind that time that at some point I just hoped that I would drop dead for the sake of ending everything.
And then the shame and embarrassment.
Oh how shameful it was, thinking about all the plans in life that I secretly had in mind when I was with her. All those futures that I had planned for. The dream house that I was designing in my head. The names of our kids. My, the more I thought about it, the more frustrating it became. Even more frustrating, Min just stood there without a single word of comfort to offer. But I realized that she too was having problems explaining everything without letting a single tear out. Maybe she loved me. Maybe she meant what she said. Only that, well, too bad, she was someone else’s and I belonged to no one.
I sat down on my bed and thought about all that Min told me last evening. I checked on my feelings and I knew right away that I was in trouble. You know that feelings when you were about to cry (you know you want to) but you cannot shed not even a single tear? I had that. In fact I had that since the moment Min excused herself from the table because she needed to leave, for her Sayang was already waiting for her by the restaurant. I didn’t even turn around to look at her leaving. I was surrounded by dire coldness I could barely move.
I miss you Min.
I put on my glasses and reached for my phone on the bedside table. I pressed the wakeup button and it came to live again. I logged on into the inbox and saw endless trail of sweet messages between me and her. Oh how beautiful yesterdays were. I pulled my courage and guts together and I looked for the ‘Delete All’ feature. Upon being asked for the confirmation to delete, I closed my eyes and pressed the ‘yes’ button. As I opened my eyes, the inbox was empty. There, nothing else left to remember. At that point my body trembled but I still couldn’t quite shed a tear.
Just when I placed the phone back at its place, it beeped. I knew that tone. It was set exclusive for that particular someone. I took it and checked it out. There was a message waiting to be read.
And I wept.
...To Be Continued.